WAG The culture of abuse is still existing

[profmom]

I agree with you, GT, but as a realist, I want my children to be ready to exercise agency themselves when they face these situations. I can't raise a child who I can guarantee will never get into an abusive situation, but I can raise a child who will walk out AND take action against the abuser the first time it happens.

And Faith, you absolutely did the right thing, and by doing so, encouraged your daughter to value herself and her emotional integrity over "career rewards." Because you set this example, she is much less likely to be the person who doesn't report the harassing boss because she's worried she'll lose her bonus.

I'm not saying parents have no role here, but I am saying that we need to encourage our children to play some role. On one of my children's to-do list today is to contact the school's media center to complain about how long it is taking to fix his school-required and -issued technological device. I've been a mere spectator in this entire drama, and I'm glad he is gaining this experience in advocacy for himself. I probably could have called the school myself last week and gotten this issue resolved, but there is important learning going on here, even if it's a completely inadvertent lesson on the part of the school.

And on preview -- MIL, your DD's situation was so heartbreaking! I think we need to do a much better job of recognizing this kind of treatment as wrong, abusive, damaging, and over the line. I'm glad you were able to see it for what it was and deal with it.

 

[Faith]

And you pulled her. You didn’t stay.

You sent a very important message to your child this is not OK.

I hope you are right. Because we are two years down the line and she still thinks we did the wrong thing. I still think we did the wrong thing some days. And I am fairly sure if she doesn't reach her goals she will blame us for pulling her from a club where she was happy, being pushed, and was absolutely at the top of her game to one where she trains half as much, hasn’t really progressed, and has become much less consistent in competition.

She sees girls from the old club catching up and in some cases overtaking. Not because they are better, but because 30 hours a week with a perfectionist coach (vs 14 dd is doing) will polish the roughest stone. Those girls are telling her coach x is really nice, and only gets cross if you can’t do something. They don’t see it, and neither does dd. And unfortunately neither do the NGB, who are seeing the rapid progress, and dd’s apparent lack, and are selecting those girls over her, despite them never beating dd in competition.

Which makes another point about why parents put up with it. If your child isn’t seeing it, do you make the decision to pull them on a suspicion, and risk your child never forgiving you for ruining their gymnastics? The chances are if they don’t make the decision themselves they will always think if you’d have let them stay they’d have got that scholarship or made the national team.

 

[John]

@Faith your last post is a punch in the stomach. I wish there was something I could say. I have had these thoughts myself, many times. If you ever feel like discussing it I would be open to a discussion. I do not know if we could answer the question but maybe there is something to be done to help you and your daughter.

 

[RTT2]

I hope you are right. Because we are two years down the line and she still thinks we did the wrong thing. I still think we did the wrong thing some days. And I am fairly sure if she doesn't reach her goals she will blame us for pulling her from a club where she was happy, being pushed, and was absolutely at the top of her game to one where she trains half as much, hasn’t really progressed, and has become much less consistent in competition.

She sees girls from the old club catching up and in some cases overtaking. Not because they are better, but because 30 hours a week with a perfectionist coach (vs 14 dd is doing) will polish the roughest stone. Those girls are telling her coach x is really nice, and only gets cross if you can’t do something. They don’t see it, and neither does dd. And unfortunately neither do the NGB, who are seeing the rapid progress, and dd’s apparent lack, and are selecting those girls over her, despite them never beating dd in competition.

Which makes another point about why parents put up with it. If your child isn’t seeing it, do you make the decision to pull them on a suspicion, and risk your child never forgiving you for ruining their gymnastics? The chances are if they don’t make the decision themselves they will always think if you’d have let them stay they’d have got that scholarship or made the national team.

One of the things that stands out to me about all of the brave young women coming forward is just how prevalent abuse is in this sport, and how many girls internalized the abuse and accepted it until they were old enough to see just how wrong and damaging it was. Your daughter may not see it right now at 14, but I hope as she matures and gains perspective she realizes just how fortunate she is to have a parent who put her emotional, physical, and mental well-being ahead of winning trophies.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Which makes another point about why parents put up with it. If your child isn’t seeing it, do you make the decision to pull them on a suspicion, and risk your child never forgiving you for ruining their gymnastics? The chances are if they don’t make the decision themselves they will always think if you’d have let them stay they’d have got that scholarship or made the national team.

It’s not unusual for the person in the thick of it to see it. Way back in my young adult days everyone else saw my ex for $ss he was way before I did. But I wasn’t a minor. So they did what they could But it was up to me to leave.

For kids in general, we all make lots of decisions that they aren’t happy with. And anyone of them that could be the ones that cause lifelong regrets or resentment.

We can only do the best we can.

Me,for my kid, there are somethings with my daughter where I’ve made the conscious decision, I’d rather she mad I did too much then not enough on some things.

She doesn’t have big gymnastics aspirations. We have assessed this over the years and she knows if she did we would do whatever it takes to giver her the best shot.

We also have conversations about honoring your ick factor. The importance of boundaries. Really she would tell us when she was barely 2 she didn’t like being tickled. There was no tickling, not by her parents, her brother, not grandpa. She has always been told and shown her boundaries are hers. No one has the right to make you feel bad. People who truly care about you wont make you feel bad about yourself. She also knows that while I’m the responsible for her, I’m not going to let her stay in environments that are bad for her. We will move to where ever we need to, to be safe.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

One of the things that stands out to me about all of the brave young women coming forward is just how prevalent abuse is in this sport, and how many girls internalized the abuse and accepted it until they were old enough to see just how wrong and damaging it was. Your daughter may not see it right now at 14, but I hope as she matures and gains perspective she realizes just how fortunate she is to have a parent who put her emotional, physical, and mental well-being ahead of winning trophies.

This too. Sometimes it takes well into adulthood and even becoming a parent themselves, to see the “whys” of our decisions.

 

[LJL07]

I hope you are right. Because we are two years down the line and she still thinks we did the wrong thing. I still think we did the wrong thing some days. And I am fairly sure if she doesn't reach her goals she will blame us for pulling her from a club where she was happy, being pushed, and was absolutely at the top of her game to one where she trains half as much, hasn’t really progressed, and has become much less consistent in competition.

She sees girls from the old club catching up and in some cases overtaking. Not because they are better, but because 30 hours a week with a perfectionist coach (vs 14 dd is doing) will polish the roughest stone. Those girls are telling her coach x is really nice, and only gets cross if you can’t do something. They don’t see it, and neither does dd. And unfortunately neither do the NGB, who are seeing the rapid progress, and dd’s apparent lack, and are selecting those girls over her, despite them never beating dd in competition.

Which makes another point about why parents put up with it. If your child isn’t seeing it, do you make the decision to pull them on a suspicion, and risk your child never forgiving you for ruining their gymnastics? The chances are if they don’t make the decision themselves they will always think if you’d have let them stay they’d have got that scholarship or made the national team.

Ugh. I could have written this myself. It's so hard. But more than likely, in the long run, most of those girls won't make it because of how they are treated.

 

[Faith]

She doesn’t have big gymnastics aspirations. We have assessed this over the years and she knows if she did we would do whatever it takes to giver her the best shot.

I think the reason we have found it so difficult is DD is so good. She genuinely has a shot at whatever height she chooses. The standard she is now would earn her a D1 scholarship. We took her to a club that should have been able to support her, but post 2016 has had many athlete/coaching changes and has been in flux for two years. She has been floating about ticking over, and her talent and previous training have kept her up there with the best her age. But she is healthy, her body is strong, and she is happy. She has a new coach now, inexperienced, but big on welfare, so hopefully she will get back on track.

Ugh. I could have written this myself. It's so hard. But more than likely, in the long run, most of those girls won't make it because of how they are treated.

This was the basis of my decision. They will either quit because of the emotional side- some will take on board the message they are no good. Some will injure training so hard, so long. But that is a long term view, and is a gamble. Of the 15 or so girls that have been through that squad in the last 4 years, there are 3 left, and one who joined two years ago. The original 3 are nursing injuries and blocks, but are still managing to compete and get national selection- One has been earmarked for 2020- is being nursed as a specialist, but if she can make it fit she will be selected.

 

[CuriousCate]

@Faith I sent you a PM

 

[gasrgoose]

I’m sorry to say that equally terrible things happen at gyms in the US. I have seen it with my own eyes. It really makes me appreciate the good coaches that are out there. I hope more people will be willing to report physical and psychological abuse so the whole gymnastics culture will start to shift.

You don't elaborate on what was done, if anything, when you saw this type of behavior. BUT, if you(or anyone else) saw this type of behavior and did nothing you are part of the problem. I'm not arguing that it hasn't happened, just that it should invoke an immediate reaction of rescuing the child.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

This was the basis of my decision. They will either quit because of the emotional side- some will take on board the message they are no good. Some will injure training so hard, so long. But that is a long term view, and is a gamble. Of the 15 or so girls that have been through that squad in the last 4 years, there are 3 left, and one who joined two years ago. The original 3 are nursing injuries and blocks, but are still managing to compete and get national selection- One has been earmarked for 2020- is being nursed as a specialist, but if she can make it fit she will be selected.

So 80% are gone and the 20% left injured/blocked to varying degrees. And one looking at a possible shot of 2020, not for sure but just possible.

Sounds like you did the right thing. And hopefully down the road, your daughter will understand that.