Parents When confidence isn't there

DON'T LURK... Join The Discussion!

Members see FEWER ads

GymMom4

Proud Parent
We switched gyms earlier this year from a place where it was the norm for kids to be treated badly if they messed up, be sent to climb the rope if a skill was missed or to be sent to condition if they didn't get something right.

Since the switch my dd has felt she can't make mistakes, gets upset when she messes up, and feels like she isn't any good. She has been crying at practice when she can't get something even though coaches have talked to her about how it's ok to make mistakes and that everyone does.

Season starts next month and we are at a loss as to what to do/say to help her.

Any advice?
 
As the parent, don't talk to her about it unless she initiates. If she does initiate, simply reassure her that you are proud of her, that you love her, and everybody has bad days in the gym.
These athletes already create internal pressures with themselves, and then the added pressure from coaches and peers. As her parents - you have to do everything to eliminate these stresses or at least minimize them. Gymnastics is supposed to be fun.
 
Age and level matters a lot here. I tend to disagree with the approach that discussing things is taboo. If her teacher told you she was crying during science or math everyday, you’d address it with her and this should be no different. Building confidence where there is little is a long journey, but you can help by teaching her coping mechanisms, help her process her emotions (for all things, not just this), work with her to set tangible, achievable goals and celebrate her hard work and progress (not her victories). Season starting may help her shift her focus — how prepared do you think she is?
 
Yes, I completely agree.

She's been freaking out over skills she has and is overly harsh with herself while thinking no one else messes up.

I guess a better question would be what things have helped your child to cope/get past frustrations so that they don't impact the rest of practice?
 
And she is almost 12, repeating her previous level after the gym switch (we are all for her repeating, and I think it has taken some pressure off of her). She is better prepared for season than she has probably ever been.

I see her progress, her coaches do, other kids do, but she doesn't.

I just need help to help her learn how to not let a mess up impact the rest of her practice, meet, etc. She knows others mess up but doesn't allow it for herself.

I'm looking at a Doc Ali program to start with.
 
My DD is like this. Unfortunately, in my experience it's going to take time and patience for everyone and maturity on your DD's part to be able to control her emotions better and also to realize that mistakes and bad practices are just part of the sport. I use a lot of humor to try to lighten the load for my DD. For instance I may make a comment about how annoying it is for a skill that's gone missing (and have even asked if she 'called' for her missing skill in looking for it). Often this gets met with an eyeroll but I don't care and I usually get a very slight crack of a smile. I also had my DD tell me something good that happened at practice so that she got in the habit of being able to identify the things that went well. I can say that after a few years of this, my DD is better equipped to deal with the negatives and can put things into perspective more easily.

Sounds like you have positive communications with the coaches and that they are supportive in a healthy way. Leverage this. Don't be afraid to check in with them from time to time to give them insights on what's going on in your DD's head. My DD is 15 and I recently had to do this! She was super stressed about her first L9 meet and also had a couple of stressful weeks at school. The coaches and I did what we could to help and DD got over this rough patch.

As far as talking about it...I've found it's a fine line on helpful discussions vs spinning wheels and being 'stuck' on the bad practice or whatever. I am my DD's sounding board. She likes to share a lot of information about her practices and talk through it. She's like this with school and talking about friend problems too. Part of her process to figuring it out is to talk through it. It's not healthy to dwell though. This is where humor can help and where it's helpful to identify positives and hopefully get that all important healthy perspective.
 
Age and level matters a lot here. I tend to disagree with the approach that discussing things is taboo

@Seeker I would tend to agree with you on this quoted statement for most things such as school and health. However I guess my statement above was made assuming the athlete wants to do well in the sport, but there there being no end-goal such as the Olympics/ no scholarships are riding on performance.

For most athletes, gymnastics is just an extra curricular, and as parents I think its their job to create perspective for their children - because at 9,10,11-18 years old, it is SO easy for these athletes to get wrapped up in it, and their 'fun' activity become a huge stress in their life. It is supposed to be fun, these kids have a whole life ahead of them to work and perform and produce what is 'expected' (working a job). Let them learn & let them be kids for the few short years they have to do so.

Speaking from experience, I would get really upset if pressure came from my parents, as I felt I was disappointing them. Early on, my mom realized that she was there to support me in my extra curricular, and it was up to me and my work ethic to determine how far I progressed. When my mom stepped back, I was able to enjoy practice and competing and thus gymnastics (Dance & Cheerleading) was truly enjoyable for me.

I guess it depends on the kid, and only you know your children best. There is no 'one size' solution for parenting right?
 
Of course there’s no one size fits all — everyone has to evaluate their own situation and figure out what works. The “don’t talk to your kid ever” does not fit my style at all and it definitely would not fit my child. I don’t see how a parent would be able to create the perspective mentioned if they’re not allowed to speak about it. Obviously, I don’t advocate pressuring or punishing a child based on what happens in gymnastics. But like it or not, it is a big part of their lives. There doesn’t have to be anything riding on it for them to want to do well and feel stress at certain times. Not speaking of it or allowing a space to talk about it can also backfire — your kid may wind up thinking you don’t care.
 
And she is almost 12, repeating her previous level after the gym switch (we are all for her repeating, and I think it has taken some pressure off of her). She is better prepared for season than she has probably ever been.

I see her progress, her coaches do, other kids do, but she doesn't.

I just need help to help her learn how to not let a mess up impact the rest of her practice, meet, etc. She knows others mess up but doesn't allow it for herself.

I'm looking at a Doc Ali program to start with.

She sounds quite similar to my DD. When younger, she had a few Doc Ali sessions but didn't seem to respond completely. Then again she may have been too young. That said, at 11, she was open to the experience again and I found a new performance coach. Named Rebecca Smith at completeperformancecoaching.com. I promise promise promise this is not an advertisement. She has had four sessions and her attitude has changed dramatically.

First she helped her through her flyaway block. Next she helped her make an adjustment in her mindset. She had been going to the gym scared and defeated and convinced everyone was better than she was. She decided that she wanted to change everyone's perception of her - to try to become more confident, bolder, less scared, and definitely less fragile. It's been a month and the change is dramatic. That said, all is not perfect - she still has a BWO BHS fear and some meet anxieties. But according to her, not as bad. I'll take it.
 
Of course there’s no one size fits all — everyone has to evaluate their own situation and figure out what works. The “don’t talk to your kid ever” does not fit my style at all and it definitely would not fit my child. I don’t see how a parent would be able to create the perspective mentioned if they’re not allowed to speak about it. Obviously, I don’t advocate pressuring or punishing a child based on what happens in gymnastics. But like it or not, it is a big part of their lives. There doesn’t have to be anything riding on it for them to want to do well and feel stress at certain times. Not speaking of it or allowing a space to talk about it can also backfire — your kid may wind up thinking you don’t care.
Yes, better for them to say, "You just dont understand" rather than "you just don't care." It is really rough at the tween age, i feel you! Any chance you could try the one positive thing befire anything else is said in the car ride home, or better yet, journal it?
 
She sounds quite similar to my DD. When younger, she had a few Doc Ali sessions but didn't seem to respond completely. Then again she may have been too young. That said, at 11, she was open to the experience again and I found a new performance coach. Named Rebecca Smith at completeperformancecoaching.com. I promise promise promise this is not an advertisement. She has had four sessions and her attitude has changed dramatically.

First she helped her through her flyaway block. Next she helped her make an adjustment in her mindset. She had been going to the gym scared and defeated and convinced everyone was better than she was. She decided that she wanted to change everyone's perception of her - to try to become more confident, bolder, less scared, and definitely less fragile. It's been a month and the change is dramatic. That said, all is not perfect - she still has a BWO BHS fear and some meet anxieties. But according to her, not as bad. I'll take it.

Thank you for that! I will look her up and appreciate your insight.
 

DON'T LURK... Join The Discussion!

Members see FEWER ads

Gymnaverse :: Recent Activity

College Gym News

Back