Parents Daughter asked to leave gym - devastated

[fmrgymmom]

Need to vent. My daughter had been at the same gym for 9 years, team track for 6. She had a conflict with one of her teammates (bullying) that I notified her coach about, please keep an eye out for this type of behavior. Her coach forwarded my email to the other girls parent with comments about my daughter indicating that she did not believe the incident happened (other girls confirmed). I was very upset at what I view as a violation of privacy. I do not believe a private email between a parent and coach should be shared with anybody. I angrily confronted her about this. She asked us to stay which my daughter wanted and I went along with it. Big mistake, about two weeks later the coach requested a meeting and told me there is no place at the gym for my daughter anymore. My daughter is beside herself. Her schoolwork is suffering, she calls herself a loser, won't even consider going to another gym (not that any will call me back!). We are going to find a therapist for her, I feel so awful for how this all played out and I feel that I really failed to protect her. I know that being in that gym would have been worse, but how do I make lemonade out of these lemons?

 

[AlexsGymmyMom]

Thats horrible! Very unprofessional and yes a violation of your privacy. Does the owner of the gym know about this situation? I would send a letter to him at least letting him know what exactly happened.

I would think in time your DD will be more willing to look at another gym. Right now she is probably very hurt by what happened but she will start to miss gymnastics and hopefully have a more open mind! Best of luck!

 

[bookworm]

Was your daughter the bully or the bullied? If she was bullied then this is just awful but seeing how the coach acted, would you really want her going there? Especially if you feel they didn't believe her... You don't say where you are located but there must be other gyms in the area...research them and go see one or two for yourself, unannounced , and see the kind of vibe you get off them. Listen to the parents in the waiting room , ask about their team program etc and then ask if you can meet with coach and/or owner about bringing your daughter there. You say the gyms won't call you back...do you feel that the old gym is bad mouthing you to others? If so, i would just take the bull by the horns when you visit these other gyms and say "we left XX gym on bad terms, my daughter was being bullied and when I brought it to the attention of management there and asked for some intervention to stop it, WE were asked to leave...it has been devastating for my daughter on two fronts: being bullied and then thrown out of her gym that she's been at for 9 yrs because we asked for help...we are interested in moving on from this in a positive manner" ...I think if you put it out there then you'll have a better response to it versus the other gyms just thinking she's a bad apple because your old gym said so...

Unfortunately, I have seen this happen in more than one gym and just as you describe...the bullied is the one who has always ended up leaving the gym because the coach and/or owners couldn't or wouldn't deal with it and basically said to the parents, if you don't like how it is here, there's the door. In today's economy, you'd think they'd want to retain their gymnasts but sometimes they take the path of least resistance...

 

[Gymmonkeymomma]

I'm so sorry this happened to your daughter. Bookworm has great advice above about checking out new gym(s).

My Little Monkey was bullied at her old gym, by a girl 6 years older, who had been a teammate of my other DD's since they were 7. This girl was nasty to coaches and kids, but for some reason the owner always catered to her and her parents. In my last email requesting something be done, I specifically stated that I wanted the girl and her parents spoken to and not just talking to the entire team about "being nice to each other" because bullies just don't get it, or they don't care, that you are referring to them! We left (on our own) shortly after because of alot of other issues but it was easier for the gym management to sweep things under the rug than to confront parent/child.

 

[MaryA]

You will be amazed at how quickly your daughter will adapt to a new gym. We switched gyms this year, for a variety of reasons, and DD went from "No, I'm not switching gyms ever!" to "I don't miss the old gym at all because the new gym is so much better." once she gets a little distance from it, she'll be able to see the old gym for what it was.

No advice on talking to other gyms. Do you think they're not calling you back because they've spoken to the old gym and you are somehow "blacklisted" or do you think they haven't gotten around to it yet? Maybe, if you think the former is true, write a letter or an email so you can really think about what you want to say. I would avoid making a laundry list of all of the things that were wrong with the old gym... In fact, try to say some nice things about it and the part is has payed in your daughter's life for the past 9 years. Then you can say "That's why I was so surprised when... " and then briefly and generally outline what you told us. Say how hurt your daughter is and how anxious you are to get her back into a gym program.

Good luck, and let us know how it all turns out. Probably, in the long run, getting out of there is a good thing.

 

[Galadriel]

Can totally relate and wish you the best
Years ago at about age 8 my dd was bullied by the owner/headcoaches teenage daughter
We left, and she left gym totally for about 18 months, went back to recreational, then ended up on team again at a different gym (which was much better in all respects!)

 

[cher062]

Your DD is upset right now but keep telling her this was not her fault. Like bookworm said I would contact the owner to have a talk with him/her or a letter or something to let him/her know how it is from your side of the fence. Then look around at the other gyms. Keep telling your DD how great she is and that you really want her to at least go and look at some other gyms.

After a week or two of not going to the gym your DD will either find some other activity she loves to do instead of will at least give another gym a try but you might have to make the appointment and take DD as opposed to waiting for her to ask.

We were "kicked off the team" because supposedly my DD at L7 didn't have any gym talent what so ever (not true of course) but we found a new gym and it was the best thing that could have every happened to her. She is more confident and I think a better gymnast with the new gym. She had friends within 2 weeks of starting and now she is absolutly thriving. So there can be a silver lining if your DD reallyl wants there to be.

So sorry you are going through this. Good Luck and let us know how it goes

 

[NGL780309]

Just wanted to say that is awful and I'm so sorry for your DD.

 

[bookworm]

So interesting to read Galadriel's and Gymmonkeymomma's posts...basically that their daughters were bullied and THEY left their respective gyms...like I said, I've seen this happen before unfortunately, and the bullied leaving is usually how it goes down...but the silver lining to their posts is that they're happy they left!!

 

[monkeysmom]

Sorry this is happening

I am so sorry this happened. I hope you find another gym where both you and your daughter can rediscover the joy that is really what all this stuff is supposed to be about. I am really sensitive to bullying because I have a nephew with OCD, and it breaks my heart knowing how some people in the world treat him. I also saw his suffering with OCD from the very first signs which started at his 12-year old sister's (my niece's) funeral. She had heart problems all her life, and he was so very protective of her and watched her come home from long hospitilizations less "whole" after strokes and terrible infections. He was rubbing and rubbing his eyebrow at the funeral and three months later it was rubbed off and the OCD problems started in earnest. It's particularly hard for me to think about knowing the pain and struggles this kid has been through and that ignorant bullying people are just utterly clueless about who he really is. I started with my daughter as soon as she went to kindergarten and let her know that standing by silently is the same as being the bully and that she should always kindly and gently speak up when she is being bullied or she sees someone else being picked on, and that she should try to role model kindness. Once last year there were a bunch of moms kind of tittering by the "viewing window" upstairs saying that some girls on my daughter's team (some of them were proabably their daughters) were being "terrible" making fun of the high school team that was practicing. They were saying it like it was funny. I asked if my daughter was one of them (thankfully she wasn't) and then said rather assertively that if I ever hear my daughter acting like that at gym or anywhere else she will be grounded so fast she won't have time to argue. I didn't win any friends that day, but I didn't really care at the time. None of of are perfect (I'm sure not), but it's amazing how in some environments nasty gossip and mean spiritness fester like a cancer.....but the opposite can also happen too, so all gotta keep trying! Good luck to you and your daughter!!!

 

[emorymom]

If your daughter was happy doing gymnastics, you need to put her in another gym or a related sport immediately. Do not worry about her consent. Just tell her she needs to go for 6 weeks and then you'll talk about it. Gyms are busy. You may need to drive around a bit in the late afternoon.

She is possibly situationaly depressed. She has received a devastating blow. She needs to see that if you pick yourself up and move forward, life does return to good. This is a life lesson.

Therapy is awesome and also a tried and true method for kicking the blues is a good workout -- with friends, old or new, as a bonus.

Best to learn this now before the adult blows -- a hard breakup, getting fired, etc.

 

[Deanna]

I really do not have any advice, that hasn't already been given. I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your daughter. Please do keep us posted on how things turn out. Best of luck

 

[LizzieLac]

I am so sorry this has happened to your DD. Bullying is such a terrible occurence and often times kids don't really understand that what they are doing can be so devastating. I hope your DD gets over this incident and you guys find a good gym to switch to. In the meantime, I think there has been some really good advice given here. You might also consider signing her up for a different activity while you are looking a gym. Keeping her busy and getting her mind off of this can be helpful and might find she is good at something else and really enjoys it...maybe a dance class or an art class. Best of luck!

 

[fmrgymmom]

Thank you so much for your kind words and support.

My daughter was the one being bullied. The bully also left the gym, the former coach helped her find a place on another team. I do know which gym she is at so we won't be going there.

We have signed our daughter up for a soccer clinic which she seems to enjoy, but I can tell she is a bit antsy. I hope with some time she will start being more open to looking for a new gym.

 

[flipper's fan]

My Dd has been bullied at school and at gym in the past. What I have always told her when she screams and says she is not going back, is that she cannot allow the bully to keep her from her school, her gym, doing what she loves. I think it is best to stand up for yourself, in your case, going to another gym. She has to see that a bully cannot take away her dreams. I'm sure soccer is fun, but it's like the bully chose that for you. If she goes to another gym and is not thrilled to be back in a better environment within a couple weeks, then it will be HER choice not to continue.

 

[sportsmommy]

I had this problem at my dd daycare. She didnt get along with the daycare providers son. I felt it was minor stuff but my dd was upset about an incident. He called her a name and my dd called him one back. My dd was punished harshly. I went to the provider to discuss it with her. She told flat out that she didnt like my dd and didnt want her to come back!! She then told every other provider in our area that she was a bully. I had never had a problem with any other daycare provider or at school or at the gym with her. After the incident i went to her teacher and her coach to make sure she wasnt bullying anyone else. Her coach laughed at me. She thought the idea of my dd bullying was funny because she got along with everyone so well. Some people are crazy!!

 

[mtbmom]

I wish I had advice to add. I'm so sorry this happened to your DD. So unfair and mean.

 

[MaryA]

I know that you want to take your daughter's feelings into consideration, especially when she's been through so much heart-ache, but if you find a gym that you think would be a good match for her (and you), see if you can do a 2-week (or month, or whatever) trial period. Chances are, once your daughter gets through the door, she will be thrilled to be back in the gym, even if she doesn't think she will be. And it gives the gym a chance to find out that you and/or your daughter aren't the "troublemakers" the other gym wants to make you out to be.

 

[EmmasMommy]

How horrible I'm sorry to hear this. I don't know much of anything, but I guess my advice would be to have her TRY another gym. Tell her she doesn't have to stay, but to try it for a while and see what she thinks first, before writing it off. I'm sorry this happened.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

i hate cancer...