WAG Help! My Lvl 9 wants to quit!

[ninjadragon]

My level 9 daughter came to me quite unexpectedly over the weekend, just after a 2 week vacation from the gym and said she needed to talk...long story short, she told me she wants to quit, that she doesn't love it anymore, that she is burnt and feels the pressure of the coming deadlines. She was upset and I sensed that she was worried about me getting upset with her, so the first thing I did was calm her down and tell her whatever happened it was okay. I was shocked. We agreed to talk the next morning, because I happened to be leaving her for a sleepover at that very moment. Yesterday we talked, and the gist of the discussion was the same...she wasn't "loving it" anymore, she feels pressure, it's not fun. She was balking at going in last night to train, which would be her first night back after those couple weeks off. I spent the next several hours talking with her coach, with my husband, and then to her. Because of her gym's "exit policy" (30 days, in writing), and on the advice of her coach I was able to convey to her the need to get in there, face the coaches, talk to them and sort of see what happens...
Here's the thing...I'm sure I'm not alone, that many parents have seen this. I feel like I have been, inadvertently, part of the "pressure" that she's referring to. She's 13, very talented, minimal injuries so far (knock on wood) and has worked really hard over the last several years to get where she is right now. It just feels very "out of the blue" to me--I have had no indication, other than her telling me that she couldn't wait for vacation, etc., that she was burnt out, neither have her coaches. Now, a day later, she has had a good talk with the head coach, she is going to work out for a couple weeks and just see what she feels like after that. I am going to be effectively, sitting on my hands for the next several weeks. I don't know if there is anything I should do, not do, say, don't say, or what. I feel like I should be doing something more, and it's very frustrating. Advice?

 

[gymmomof1]

Wish I had some words of wisdom but only have a hug . It's not easy at that level and especially difficult if her heart really isn't t in it. Just be supportive and see how it goes the next couple weeks.

 

[kandkfunk]

I feel your pain. You are in a tough position. I've been there. First, and foremost, you are her mom and it's important that she feels like you support her no matter what she ultimately decides. It is her sport and it has to be her decision in the end. Otherwise, you are adding to the pressure and probably throwing money away.

That being said, 13 is a tough age for female gymnasts. They are really starting to feel the pressure of growing up...the pressure to socialize, being a part of the school community, more homework, etc. Add the pressure of preseason and the focus on new skills and you have a perfect storm of feelings and emotions that make young teens want to quit.

When my DD first talked about quitting, it was important for me and her coaches to ensure she wasn't quitting because she was scared of something. We didn't want to let her fears force her out of the gym. We got her to agree to one more season and if she still felt the same way she could quit. It was about this time last year that we had the discussion. This last May, she decided to quit.

I was sad, but I felt like she really was ready. She worked hard and faced fears (didn't necessarily beat then, but faced them) and she was ready to say goodbye. It was hard, but it has ultimately been very positive. She is now cheering with her high school team and exploring the idea if Tumbling & Acrobatics in college.

After this two week period, I would let her follow her heart. Who knows? Maybe she will change her mind. But, if not, it's better to go out with a fondness for the sport instead of feeling resentful that she is doing something she no longer wants to.

Good luck!

 

[cftmoonlight]

Is she trying to move up in levels? Sometimes that is a lot(especially trying to get to 9/10) and if they get confirmation from coach/parent that its ok not to move up at this point, it can help them to relax and just enjoying learning without pressure of new skills for the upcoming meets/deadlines. I always tell my gymnasts that I don't care if they move up or not, as long as they work hard and are fun to be around they can repeat as many times as they need.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

Happens at that age. Hopefully she can work through it. My usual questions, Do you watch workouts? Is a certain skill bugging her? Does she have a weak event? Was she scoring well last 2 seasons. Did anybody pressure her to move up, (you or dad). ?

 

[ninjadragon]

Is she trying to move up in levels? Sometimes that is a lot(especially trying to get to 9/10) and if they get confirmation from coach/parent that its ok not to move up at this point, it can help them to relax and just enjoying learning without pressure of new skills for the upcoming meets/deadlines. I always tell my gymnasts that I don't care if they move up or not, as long as they work hard and are fun to be around they can repeat as many times as they need.

No, she is going into her second year of 9, so there was no "move up" pressure. Actually her coaches have told her the same thing...Don't worry about anything right now, just get in there and do her training and enjoy herself. What you tell your gymnasts is essentially the message she got last night from her coach. It did help her feel that he understood where she is at...don't know beyond that.

 

[ninjadragon]

Happens at that age. Hopefully she can work through it. My usual questions, Do you watch workouts? Is a certain skill bugging her? Does she have a weak event? Was she scoring well last 2 seasons. Did anybody pressure her to move up, (you or dad). ?

I only rarely watch workouts any more. Yes to the next two questions and both relate to bars, which is the only event she really struggled with last year. Last season was the first really tough season she had with scores and it was only on bars. In terms of move-up pressure, she wanted very badly to go 9 so she worked like hell to get her skills. It was a toss-up whether she stayed 8 or went 9 and the coaches let her go 9. I have to say, at the time I was excited about that and she and I have a very open relationship so I can say that she probably felt that... But I would never have said anything like "you NEED to go 9 next season". I told her to try hard and see what she could do and that I believe in her.

 

[MaryA]

My DD is 13 and a level 8. We just went through the exact same thing. Totally out of the blue and you wonder, "Is this something she's been thinking about for months or is this just an 'in the moment' thing?" After meeting with the coaches, she decided to stick it out, but I don't know for how long. Feel free to message me if you want to commiserate.

 

[happychaos]

I don't think I would let a 13 year-old, second year L9 quit on what appears to be a whim. Now if she'd been obviously unhappy for a while that would be different. Of course her feelings must be respected and listened to, BUT as an adult, you can recognize that there is a very good chance that she will regret quitting. Especially if there are a couple of skills that are frustrating her. I would ask her to give it 3 months. You said that you and your DD have a very open relationship, and the fact that she's never mentioned quitting before makes it seems like there is some new skill or issue that is frustrating her.

 

[djemme]

My daughter went through the same thing last year. I pulled up to the gym and she burst out in tears and said she wanted to quit. For her, the problem was that she's a perfectionist. She wants to make everyone happy and she was just getting overwhelmed.

Our solution was to take her out of school and homeschool. It's taken a tremendous amount of pressure off and she can sleep in on the mornings when she needs the rest, etc. I would explore the possibility of her just not having the words/incite to be able to verbalize this internal pressure. Even if you can't homeschool, you might be able to help her learn tools to manage what can be a very grueling schedule.

My daughter is happy to be training L9 and had an excellent L7 season. She's got her goals set high and has no intention of quitting now.

 

[iwannacoach]

Very well done!!!