Parents Daughter says she is horrible and wants to quit after the year is up

[ivanko_campino]

My daughter is a late starter in gymnastics terms. I put her in rec when she was 7yo for one session (two months) and at the end of the session, the coaches upgraded her to the train with the 10yo in an Advanced class. Did one session of that and then quit because we had to move across country for work. So about four months total of gymnastics experience and then No gymnastics at all after that for a few years. In the meantime, she has always loved gymnastics - doing handstands, backwalkovers etc at home all day. So that's all her exposure with gymnastics. Fast forward a few years later, she is now 10yo and I signed her up for a Rec class at the new city we are in. After her very first rec class here, the head coach recommended I switch her to the competitive team as she will get more training hours and a more consistent coach. Sure, why not. She was over the moon training 3 days a week and wanted to go every day if she could. In her first year of competitive gymnastics, she loved it - made good friends and love the sport in general. She made sure all her school work was done so she can go to gymnastics practice. She, however, did not score very well - 6th or 7th place or sometimes bottom 3. For me, no big deal, I don't have a gymnastics background so whatever she was doing looked fantastic to me anyway. I let her know that. Moving along, she is now in her 2nd year of competitive gymnastics. Her 2nd competitive year, some events she scored well but on average about bottom 3 AA. She was devastated and cried in her room after the meets and said she will work harder the next round. Again, I comforted her and told her that it is ok, I still think she is amazing. I could never do what she does and be so brave to compete in front of a whole audience. Today, she is starting her 3rd year of competitive gymnastics in USAG Optionals and has told me that after the year is up, she wants to quit because she is not good at gymnastics. Haven't had any meets this year yet. I let her know that she can quit anytime she wants to. But I am torn inside. I watched this young kid start out loving gymnastics doing handstands on the couch at home to getting moved up from a 7yo Rec to a 10yo Advanced class in 2 months. And from a Rec class to a Comp team after one day. I saw how gymnastics made her truly so happy.
I don't know if the reason she was moved up so quickly through the levels is because of her age? And because of that, she missed out on all the basic foundationals compared to someone who would have started at 3yo and then trained for a few years in pre-team before competing perfecting their forms and skills?
Any opinions, thoughts, advice are greatly appreciated. Should I just let her quit because according to her "she is not good at gymnastics and doesn't want us to waste our money"? Is it a coaching mismatch? Would she do better in a different gym? There is only one gym in our city and the next one is 2 hours away. But that doesn't guarantee different results, I don't think at least. I've told her that money is not an issue for us (we both make good money, no debts and don't have any other expensive hobbies), if it is a sport you enjoy, keep fit and make friends, we will gladly pay. I am proud of her that she is sticking it out and wanting to finish the year. Just confused and would like to see a different point of view. Appreciate you all reading this long post.

 

[Janneke]

Could it be that while she loves gymnastics, that she doesn't like the competitive aspects? Some people love competitions, some just don't. Being constantly judged is very hard and if it doesn't go like she had imagined/hoped/wanted, then I can see how that could become a problem. If that is the case, perhaps recreational gymnastics is still an option. If not, there is no shame in trying a sport and deciding it is not the right one.

 

[Coach Kate]

It sounds like she's in the dev program. Maybe a switch to Xcel would benefit her. It is easier to play to her strengths on her better events and work around trouble spots on others.

It is also very possible that she did miss out on some important basics. I do wonder why the coaches keep moving her up when it sounds like she might benefit from repeating a level, just for her confidence and self esteem. Some kids don't care if they're not placing well and just want to move up. Others thrive when they're given the chance to win, despite maybe being ready skill wise.

 

[mezzamare]

I second the idea of looking into Xcel. Team (and especially optionals) can be a pressure cooker sometimes. Xcel does away with a lot of that, and you have the opportunity to train and compete in a loved sport, without all of the extra baggage.

If my math is correct, she is about 13/14 years old? This is also a tender time (as you know) that sees a number of athletes leave the sport, for a variety of reasons. Same with the move up to optionals. Of the seven girls on my daughter's L5 team, three girls decided to retire rather than move to optionals. These were talented girls, but they weren't getting the results they were looking for, and decided to move on to other sports, where they've found more of the success that they wanted.

As for how her age has affected her advancement, it's really hard to speculate without knowing how your gym generally operates and what your coaches are like. My daughter also started late (at 9) and these older girls are playing catch-up in some regards, since they may have as much as 6 or 7 years less training. It definitely adds to the pressure they feel, at least from what I can see with my daughter, when they start to compare themselves with other gymnasts their age (as young teenaged women are wont to do).

 

[rd7]

If she is competing USAG Optional levels she is not a bad gymnast. It might be that she needs to tidy up her form a little to score well. What do her coaches say? Are the other gymnasts in her team scoring well?

 

[HopefulGymnast]

I think it may be important to discuss with her why she's feeling this way, and also maybe see what her coach thinks and what can be done about it. Like others have said, if she's in optionals she's not a bad gymnast. And especially if she's had a late start and caught up, that's also impressive.

I think learning to deal with things like this is important also for outside of gymnastics. If she's going to get a higher education one day, she probably won't be at the top of her class because there are so many students. Or if she is, she may be less good at something else than academics. Or if she wants a carreer change one day, she shouldn't be holding back because others will be better at it when she's catching up.

Maybe I'm going about explaining this a bit oddly, but... I've been in academics, and I've seen so many brilliant people lose confidence because they felt they should be doing better. So with that in mind, I think learning to see your own achievements rather than looking at it like "I'm supposed to be doing this and this well" or "other's are doing much better" is an important skill in gymnastics and beyond.

I'm not saying force her to stay in gymnastics, but since she wants to finish the year anyway.... I strongly advise you to see if you can do something about her confidence. To help her realise she can be good at something and achieving things even if her scores arent what she thinks they maybe should be. Or if others score higher. It's a life skill that can pay off for sure. And a related skill that's also relevant here: you don't need to be good/great/the best at something to justify doing it or enjoying it. That's also a very important thing to learn.

Concretely, I'd say discuss her feelings with her. Maybe see if she wants to discuss her feelings about this with the coach, maybe they can help. Maybe indeed a switch to excel or staying at a level longer and working on details will show her she's not bad at this, she just needs to find the right level of what to expect. Either way it's something you can figure out by talking with your daughter and maybe her coach.

PS. speaking of insecurity: to settle my own insecurity about this post I'll add that of course these are just my thoughts and I may be reading too much into things. so feel free to ignore me, you know your daughter best.

 

[NutterButter]

I'll chime in with a slightly different perspective. I'm wondering if she has generalized anxiety disorder and it's manifesting with her belief that she's 'horrible'. Is she hard on herself in other areas of her life like school? Or is gymnastics the first time in her life that she has either really struggled with something or not been able to achieve what she thinks she should be doing? If it's more anxiety-based then quitting or even moving to Xcel isn't necessarily the answer (and she may not truly want to quit).

 

[Dahlia]

You've received some great advice. I especially think exploring Xcel might be a good idea.

The only other concern I have is if what she is thinking is coming from her or if there could be an potential verbally abusive coaching situation going on. I would make sure she doesn't have a coach that is telling her these things or something similar that she is internalizing into what she is telling you.

 

[HopefulGymnast]

You've received some great advice. I especially think exploring Xcel might be a good idea.

The only other concern I have is if what she is thinking is coming from her or if there could be an potential verbally abusive coaching situation going on. I would make sure she doesn't have a coach that is telling her these things or something similar that she is internalizing into what she is telling you.

I was also just thinking of adding something along those lines, but less specific: it may be important to see where this is coming from so suddenly. Is she having trouble with new skills, did other gymnasts say something, or a classmate, or indeed is the coach part of the reason? I think it can be good to look into why she's saying these things. Aside from that, I'll stay with my original comment, which I'd summarise as "learning to deal with these feelings and dealing with the cause of the feelings is important"

 

[ivanko_campino]

Wow, I did not expect to get so many truly great and sincere replies. Thank you. So the gym that we are in is a very small one - just a Rec program and a small Comp team. She is in the Dev program and we don't have an option for Xcel. I've never asked the coaches but I suspect that my daughter was moved up so quickly firstly due to her age and they wanted to keep her with the same age group and to keep her motivated by learning new skills. Full disclosure, our gym is not well known to be a high-calibre one, meaning most of the athletes from this gym are usually the bottom 5 in meets. The highest level currently is a Lvl 8 and then the girls drop out after, none have gone on to college gymnastics. And I am okay with this. But I think my daughter is struggling to come to terms with this and compares herself to the girls at meets who goes on the podium. There are only two coaches in the whole gym that coach both Rec and Comp. I think only one of the coaches have a gymnastics background. I will respond to the replies individually.

 

[ivanko_campino]

Could it be that while she loves gymnastics, that she doesn't like the competitive aspects? Some people love competitions, some just don't. Being constantly judged is very hard and if it doesn't go like she had imagined/hoped/wanted, then I can see how that could become a problem. If that is the case, perhaps recreational gymnastics is still an option. If not, there is no shame in trying a sport and deciding it is not the right one.

I agree that being constantly judged is hard, I could never. I honestly think she thrives on competitions but just not getting the results she had hoped for. She competes in the Equestrian sport successfully. She competes in public speaking at school and then went on to states and a bunch of other competitions. We have never asked or pressured her to compete in anything. She usually initiates those herself.

 

[RTT2]

It sounds like she can't progress there much beyond level 8 based on the coaching, which isn't at all uncommon. I think a lot of gyms can coach to l7/8 but many can't coach beyond that. If she feels ready to move on after this season and has other talents and interests, I'd just make this the most fun competition season possible and the celebrate her retirement at the end of the season and look forward to new activities. If you had more gym options in your area, I'd suggest trying someplace else, but that doesn't sound like a possibility.

 

[ivanko_campino]

It sounds like she's in the dev program. Maybe a switch to Xcel would benefit her. It is easier to play to her strengths on her better events and work around trouble spots on others.

It is also very possible that she did miss out on some important basics. I do wonder why the coaches keep moving her up when it sounds like she might benefit from repeating a level, just for her confidence and self esteem. Some kids don't care if they're not placing well and just want to move up. Others thrive when they're given the chance to win, despite maybe being ready skill wise.

She is in the Dev program. I do suspect that she missed out on some very important basics but her coach said she can catch up and I am leaving it to the pros. No Xcel program at this gym. I think the coaches moved her up to keep her with the same age group and to keep her motivated. I don't think they place a lot of importance on scores and more to ensure the child is challenged. I've never seen a kid repeat a level here. As long as they meet the minimum score, they move up.

 

[ivanko_campino]

It sounds like she can't progress there much beyond level 8 based on the coaching, which isn't at all uncommon. I think a lot of gyms can coach to l7/8 but many can't coach beyond that. If she feels ready to move on after this season and has other talents and interests, I'd just make this the most fun competition season possible and the celebrate her retirement at the end of the season and look forward to new activities. If you had more gym options in your area, I'd suggest trying someplace else, but that doesn't sound like a possibility.

Very interesting. What is the reason a lot of gyms cannot coach beyond Level 8? Yes, we'll have to see at the end of this year. If she is done, then we will close this chapter.

 

[ivanko_campino]

I'll chime in with a slightly different perspective. I'm wondering if she has generalized anxiety disorder and it's manifesting with her belief that she's 'horrible'. Is she hard on herself in other areas of her life like school? Or is gymnastics the first time in her life that she has either really struggled with something or not been able to achieve what she thinks she should be doing? If it's more anxiety-based then quitting or even moving to Xcel isn't necessarily the answer (and she may not truly want to quit).

Very good points. I would say gymnastics is probably the first time in her life she has really struggled. I mean the scores at meets are so close and so competitive. Deep down, I feel like she does not want to quit but maybe she is feeling discouraged because of her scores.
In all honestly, I think if her scores were to be bumped up a little bit by better coaching, form, technique etc, she would never let me let her quit the sport.

 

[ivanko_campino]

I second the idea of looking into Xcel. Team (and especially optionals) can be a pressure cooker sometimes. Xcel does away with a lot of that, and you have the opportunity to train and compete in a loved sport, without all of the extra baggage.

If my math is correct, she is about 13/14 years old? This is also a tender time (as you know) that sees a number of athletes leave the sport, for a variety of reasons. Same with the move up to optionals. Of the seven girls on my daughter's L5 team, three girls decided to retire rather than move to optionals. These were talented girls, but they weren't getting the results they were looking for, and decided to move on to other sports, where they've found more of the success that they wanted.

As for how her age has affected her advancement, it's really hard to speculate without knowing how your gym generally operates and what your coaches are like. My daughter also started late (at 9) and these older girls are playing catch-up in some regards, since they may have as much as 6 or 7 years less training. It definitely adds to the pressure they feel, at least from what I can see with my daughter, when they start to compare themselves with other gymnasts their age (as young teenaged women are wont to do).

Ah, your comment hits close to home. She is 13 going on 14. It is definitely a tender time for girls these age. Still learning how to navigate these tricky waters as a parent.

 

[ivanko_campino]

If she is competing USAG Optional levels she is not a bad gymnast. It might be that she needs to tidy up her form a little to score well. What do her coaches say? Are the other gymnasts in her team scoring well?

In my eyes, she is talented and so are the other girls at her gym. Her coaches are always very positive and tells me she is doing very well. Her scores improve at every meet. Only thing is, her and all the other gymnasts on her team usually place bottom 5.

 

[ivanko_campino]

I think it may be important to discuss with her why she's feeling this way, and also maybe see what her coach thinks and what can be done about it. Like others have said, if she's in optionals she's not a bad gymnast. And especially if she's had a late start and caught up, that's also impressive.

I think learning to deal with things like this is important also for outside of gymnastics. If she's going to get a higher education one day, she probably won't be at the top of her class because there are so many students. Or if she is, she may be less good at something else than academics. Or if she wants a carreer change one day, she shouldn't be holding back because others will be better at it when she's catching up.

Maybe I'm going about explaining this a bit oddly, but... I've been in academics, and I've seen so many brilliant people lose confidence because they felt they should be doing better. So with that in mind, I think learning to see your own achievements rather than looking at it like "I'm supposed to be doing this and this well" or "other's are doing much better" is an important skill in gymnastics and beyond.

I'm not saying force her to stay in gymnastics, but since she wants to finish the year anyway.... I strongly advise you to see if you can do something about her confidence. To help her realise she can be good at something and achieving things even if her scores arent what she thinks they maybe should be. Or if others score higher. It's a life skill that can pay off for sure. And a related skill that's also relevant here: you don't need to be good/great/the best at something to justify doing it or enjoying it. That's also a very important thing to learn.

Concretely, I'd say discuss her feelings with her. Maybe see if she wants to discuss her feelings about this with the coach, maybe they can help. Maybe indeed a switch to excel or staying at a level longer and working on details will show her she's not bad at this, she just needs to find the right level of what to expect. Either way it's something you can figure out by talking with your daughter and maybe her coach.

PS. speaking of insecurity: to settle my own insecurity about this post I'll add that of course these are just my thoughts and I may be reading too much into things. so feel free to ignore me, you know your daughter best.

I wholeheartedly agree that the speed she has moved up levels in a short amount of time is impressive. It's funny, I actually tell her all the time after gymnastics meets that this is a learning opportunity to help her be more resilient which is a life skill she needs. I do think she sets her standards really high and loses confidence after always scoring the bottom 3 AA or so the last 2 years. I feel that with the expectations she has, she needs the kind of coaching where they are a little bit more strict on form and technique. But ah, what do I know. We are starting our 3rd year of competitive and this still seem like a new world to me.

 

[ivanko_campino]

You've received some great advice. I especially think exploring Xcel might be a good idea.

The only other concern I have is if what she is thinking is coming from her or if there could be an potential verbally abusive coaching situation going on. I would make sure she doesn't have a coach that is telling her these things or something similar that she is internalizing into what she is telling you.

Very valid points. I will bring this up with her sometime. Personally, I think her coaches are the sweetest people ever, but now you make me wonder. Is more going on that I don't know of.

 

[Pineapple_Lump]

Some more points to consider.... A little bit of competition usually makes everyone better - given that there is no other gym near you, the coaches don't really need to change the way they are doing things to keep customers who may want a more competitive program. This is not a criticism of them as these types of programs absolutely fill a niche that many families do enjoy. Sounds like they have got half of the equation correct, but for an ambitious kid, this is not going to make them happy.

Given that your daughter has rushed through the levels the bulk of her 'competition' is most likely comprised of girls who are very seasoned competitors. She probably has more raw talent than most of them - but raw talent doesn't win without good form.

I would guess she is competing against girls who started a bit later and physically can't progress quickly or girls who have repeated multiple levels. They have had years to master the art of competing, they have the confidence of past success, they likely have really really good basics and form because that is the only way a gymnast who lacks natural ability can progress.