WAG Can she move past her Anxiety?

[littlegirlsdream]

My DD is a kid who has a certain amount of general anxiety. She is hard on herself and has a lot of negative self talk. So in gymnastics first she will gain new skills then she become anxious, hesitates, gets in her own head and spends a while fighting through it. She worries: what will coach think, what will my parents think, will I let them down, will I disappoint people, will I fail?
This holds her back and makes her life much more difficult than it needs to be. Coach sees she can do skills with no problem but then she regresses.

So my questions are has anyone experienced this that could share some insight, personal experiences or helpful tools she could use? Will it get better with age? Will it ultimately hold her back to the point of quiting? She hasn't mentioned quiting ever but her ability and head don't match

 

[wheezy]

I think that you could help a lot here. I don't know how old she is, but my DD is very tough on herself and is a perfectionist. She wants to please her coaches, and us because she is 9.
I make sure to tell her not to worry about skills, or about messing up, or about being scared. Just to take it slow when she gets stressed out. If I push her, it usually just backfires because a she gets stressed out to the point of not being able to push through the fear. It becomes too much for her.
Now, I just tell her to relax. It will come. To take a step back if she needs to and that there is time. If her back tuck isn't working today, the try it tomorrow. Sometimes it's just not a good day for bars, it's OK! Of course, my DD is not going to Nationals, or the Olympics, so I must keep it in perspective. I also goof around and joke with her when I see her stressing in practice. I have a face I make that means 'lighten up'. The coach knows how she is and he knows that if he yells or gets angry with her, she will shut down. But DD also appreciates when her coach takes a deep breath, and gives her a few extra minutes of calm and patient explanation on something. She will really try her hardest when this is done.
Find out what way works best for her, try and listen to her stress and work with her because all kids are different. Let her unload her negative thoughts, but then end with a positive note, 'tomorrow will be better' or 'every day, I get better' or even, 'messing up is teaching me important lessons'. Positive visualization, and above all, be as calm and reassuring and possible. Gymnastics needs to be more fun, than not.

 

[littlegirlsdream]

Thanks
She is 10 years old and training lvl 8. One of her coaches (head coach) knows that yelling shuts her down, she will literally just stand there and stare blankly. However, because we are all human coach will occasionally lose it with DD and kick her off event. Today DD was sent to the bleachers for not doing her series on beam (which she was doing just fine 2 weeks ago).

This is a bit of a repetitive theme with DD she does it almost every year with one skill or another. It's hard to hear about when she comes home (I don't watch practice) and as a parent, I would like to help her. So thanks Wheezy I appreciate the advise and experience

 

[wheezy]

Well, L8 is a bit different! the same principles apply anyway, positive talk and visualization. But she is clearly doing some hard stuff. The only thing I can think of is just to add time to the equation if possible. Even 2 or 3 months add loads of maturity....but I truly think all people can overcome their weaknesses. Gymnastics is the best way to learn this lesson. Yes, she can learn to control her anxiety with your help, hugs and kisses.....
Good luck!!!!

 

[hawaii_gymnast]

YES she can!

I had anxiety, but it affected me differently, it was more prominent when I was younger, but it still affects me today.

When I was little I refused to talk to very few people outside of my immediate family, I didn't talk to lots of aunts and uncles, teachers, kids at school and at gym. Through the years though I really came out of my shell, and became much more comfortable being in the gym. It helped being with some of the same kids each year and getting to know them really well and being with the same coach for a long time, but honestly I think it was mostly just time.

Know that with time and hard work these things can get better. I internalized a lot, and still do, I am not comfortable talking to others about it, but just let her know that you are there if she needs anything. As I got older I got better with talking to teachers, peers and family. But still in new situations I am very uncomfortable and get anxious.

Make sure she knows that her coaches just really want the best for her and develop strategies with her and her coaches for when she is breaking down. Whether it be take a 5 minute break to go get a drink or go to the change room and gather herself, or just take a deep breath and move onto something else. Whatever you come up with that seems to help ensure the coach is on board too.

 

[Gymsanity]

One of her coaches (head coach) knows that yelling shuts her down,(a real perceptive genius I guess) she will literally just stand there and stare blankly. (yeah, and who wouldn't) However, because we are all human coach will occasionally lose it with DD and kick her off event. (that's not because they are 'human', they are stupid!)
For what it's worth, I got anxiety just reading this post! Is there hope for me, will I get better, will I quit, am I going to be able to cope?? I don't know, but stuff like this doesn't help, just as I know it doesn't help your daughter. Good luck to the both of you.

 

[Gymnastisism]

If her problems persist it might be helpful to see a sports psychologist (or even a regular child psychologist). It might appear that it's just a skill blocking her, but there might be another cause that you're not aware of? Negative self talk isn't nice, maybe talking to a professional stranger might be beneficial, because maybe she doesn't feel like she can talk to you about it since she's worried about what everyone thinks of her.

 

[MILgymFAM]

Thanks
She is 10 years old and training lvl 8. One of her coaches (head coach) knows that yelling shuts her down, she will literally just stand there and stare blankly. However, because we are all human coach will occasionally lose it with DD and kick her off event. Today DD was sent to the bleachers for not doing her series on beam (which she was doing just fine 2 weeks ago).

This is a bit of a repetitive theme with DD she does it almost every year with one skill or another. It's hard to hear about when she comes home (I don't watch practice) and as a parent, I would like to help her. So thanks Wheezy I appreciate the advise and experience

My DD (10) doesn't handle criticism well, at all. When her coach would yell and say something looked awful, or tell her she wasn't trying hard enough, she would shut down, like your DD. I had a one-on-one with the coach and explained to him that DD responds really well to positive reinforcement (words of affirmation is her love language) and negativity will only hold her back further. We talked through the kind of corrections that work best at home and school, and discussed DDs sensory processing disorder (she has a real issue with the foam pit). Since then, he talks to her differently, and there has been a huge difference in her skills. Sometimes laying it out there plainly for a coach isn't a bad idea.

 

[Tumbellina82]

I tend to think this is in some senses a very gymnastics problem. I think gymnastics is a very appealing sport to people with control-freak tendencies because the whole thing is about controlling your body and movement and you don't have any of those pesky unpredictable balls, team mates or opponents like you do in more stochastic sports, just you and the apparatus. In a game of rugby or badminton none of the individual players can feel that they have total control of the outcome or that they should have. In gymnastics you do have sole control of your performance but that also creates it own pressure to be in total and complete control and since I think the sport attracts those with a craving for control it is hardly surprising if you get them exhibiting anxieties around it.

I'm sorry to say I don't have a neat answer to it. I bet that you, I and your daughter are among tens of thousands who'd love to know the magic formula for surmounting this sort of problem but I don't really think it has a simple solution.

Sometimes I have seen where kids have these anxieties and they are not really about gymnastics at all but some other situation that is upsetting for them and creating anxiety, like parental illness or bullying at school. That's not to say this is the case here but it is something to consider. If she does not feel secure in other, non gymnastics, contexts that is obviously something you want to address, not just because it affects her gymnastics but far more importantly because it affects her general emotional wellbeing. I agree with Gymnasticism that seeing a psychologist or a (qualified) counsellor might be helpful.

Other times it is just a combination of gymnastics and personality. I agree about trying to take pressure off but it is difficult because gymnasts tend to create pressure for themselves and to an extent it is intrinsic: You have to do the moves well and have control or you could fall and get hurt. Working back up to skills through drills and progressions can help gymnasts feel more in control and regain confidence. Visualisation can also be a very helpful tool for the same purpose.

I do think that feeling in control is very important in gymnastics but conversely I also think it is healthy to accept that we can't be in complete control all the time. Maybe it would be helpful for your daughter to do some other activity in which she takes more risks or forfeits control in a safe environment? I'm not sure what the best example of that would be. For me I think learning to drive has helped because you are cooperating with all these other drivers you don't even know and you can only control your own car so you have to be prepared to let go at little. Not helpful for a 10 year old though, but perhaps others will have some suggestions if they think the idea has any merit. Riding rollercoasters perhaps?

Personally I'm not keen on negative feedback as a coach, even with gymnasts who aren't sensitive to it, simply because I've found it is like saying, "don't think of an elephant." So I think it is usually better to use positive language and say, "I'd like you to do (whatever it is) more," rather than, "I'd like you to do (whatever it is) less."

 

[Dr Maleficent]

I know that fears and anxieties are complex and there is no easy fix, just patience and slowly working through things, and trying not to expect too much too soon, but as someone who has done a lot of public speaking and dozens of extremely stressful exams, I do have two things have helped me with things I get very anxious about doing - the first is imagining that I'm someone else - for example she says to herself 'I am not xxx, I am (insert name of her favorite gymnastics hero here). Now, since her favourite gym hero would not be getting anxious, she tells herself that she isn't either, since she is that person. The other is Rescue Remedy by Bach Flower Remedies (this is more for particular situations such as before a competition) - it is a natural herbal remedy which is really effective (you can even use it for pets before they go to the vet). I am not generally someone who is into alternative medicine but this really does work. Personally I shall be using both for a piano concert I am playing in on Sunday that I am reaaaaaaally stressed about! So whilst she is working on the long term management of her anxiety, these are things that she could perhaps try. Good luck to her, and you as you try to help her with this!

 

[profmom]

One of her coaches (head coach) knows that yelling shuts her down,(a real perceptive genius I guess) she will literally just stand there and stare blankly. (yeah, and who wouldn't) However, because we are all human coach will occasionally lose it with DD and kick her off event. (that's not because they are 'human', they are stupid!)
For what it's worth, I got anxiety just reading this post! Is there hope for me, will I get better, will I quit, am I going to be able to cope?? I don't know, but stuff like this doesn't help, just as I know it doesn't help your daughter. Good luck to the both of you.

Yeah, to kick a 10 year old who's training L8 off of beam because of a fear issue on something she's just upgrading seems crazy to me. Fear issues on acro series on beam are as common as green grass around here, and it's not uncommon for girls to have to downgrade for a few weeks in the middle of the season while they are working back up to what they're capable of doing. Trust me -- beam fears don't go away if you yell at them enough! You'd think a coach capable of getting a girl to L7-L8 by 10 would know this.

None of this, of course, helps your child, but my advice as the parent of a fairly anxious gymnast is to let her come to you and when she does, do everything you can to lower the stakes. She's got plenty of time, and optionals means options for skills!

 

[Faith]

I also think telling them it's OK to make mistakes is a good thing. To learn, and get better, sometimes we need to find out how wrong feels so we know what right feels like.

Also reinforce that others don't think badly of them or dislike them if they make a mistake. Put themselves in that person's shoes- if they see someone fall off beam, do they suddenly think the gymnast is rubbish, or a horrible person? Of course not, they see someone giving it a go and trying to get better.

Also, shutting down isn't always the best option. It can mean the problem isn't sorted, and they worry about it. If they can learn to ask "how do I fix this", they can avert the problem or at least know they've tried. Beam series for example- can she ask her coach to go back to low beam or floor lines- something simple like "Can I do reps on floor line just to get my confidence before I try low beam…." If the coach is yelling, saying she's not confident on skill x and is there any drills to help might give them both something to fix the problem rather than getting upset.

I always tell DD that talking over a problem can help. It can seem a huge thing to you, someone else might help you see it's not such a big thing, or see what you can do to make it smaller or even go away.

Have a google on introverts and raising an introverted child.

 

[Iwannabemargo]

That exactly what I tell P&F @Faith I also point out how far she has come, and how only a few years ago skill X was impossible and now you are great at skill Y.

 

[Iwannabemargo]

I also think that introversion is a nature thing and cannot be changed, but behavior can be modified.

 

[gracyomalley]

DD had a terrible time with fear at the same exact age /level - ended up repeating L7 because of it, and we did to some counseling with a child/sports psychologist. There was/is a lot more than gymnastics involved in my DD anxiety. She downgraded from BHS-BHS to BWO-BHS for her second L7 season and I'm not sure what she'll do for L8 - we just had her switch gyms to be where her brother's train - and they are more flexible about what skills the kids do at the new gym - she may still try BHs-BHS (which she's had on and off for over 2 years - just afraid off and on) or BHS-BT or even BWO-BHS and thow in a BT and round off-back full dismount to increase her difficulty - I don't know yet - but I do know that the worst thing her previous coach ended up doing (for DD at least) was fixating on that particular series to the point where DD stopped doing any other uptraining her whole second L7 season...

Point is - fears are normal and part of the deal for some girls at this age. I don't always know what the answer is - DD got a lot of "extra" emotional attention at her previous gym this last 2 years - and although it was positive in general, it actually made gym about the feelings and not always the gymnastics. I am hoping that at the new gym there will be less focus on the fear, although still an understanding environment - if the anxiety affects more than her gymnastics I'd definitely try to address it from a non-gymnastics point of view - feeling stronger and less anxious in life will bleed over into gym, not sure if it always goes the other way...

Sitting out instead of working on things may not be the answer, but standing on the beam crying for 20 minutes while all your friends try to make you feel better definitely isn't - I think looking of other things (work up from floor, change events, etc) and down play the fear (you'll do it when you feel ready, now lets not waste everyones time with this) seems much more productive.

Lastly, with such a young one, I have mixed feelings about never watching - I didn't during all this due to coach and DD wishes - and I understand that to a certain extent - but 10 year olds can't always express themselves, especially with authority figures - and I wish I had known how much time DD spent NOT doing stuff this last year - I don't think watching is healthy much of the time, but as a parent if your kid is struggling at this age its important to have your own (not just their and the coach's) perspective. Some middle ground perhaps?

 

[littlegirlsdream]

Thanks for all the thoughtful responses. There is a lot of helpful advice to be gained on this forum.
To Gymsanity, wow...so I realize the post is full of questions with no concrete answers. I post it here on a forum with coaches, parents and gymnasts that have maybe had similar experiences and can shed a light on it for me. I do so in order to present it to an audience of adults. I of course do NOT express this to my DD in any fashion. I was not and am not a gymnast or coach but rather a parent who loves and cares for her children.

Seeing your child struggle is not easy and feeling upset when it occurs is not abnormal. Her coaches are not "stupid". She has been brought down to floor or low beam in the past. Prior to being sent to sit down she was given panels and put on a lower beam. Point was it was a skill she has and it wasn't going well. I am not questioning the way the coach handled it but rather what as a parent I can do to support her and perhaps vent my feelings a bit.

 

[littlegirlsdream]

As a side note her coach is very well known in the gymnastics world and though a lot might be said about her coach I don't think stupid is one of them

 

[Fliptwisttumble]

Hi there,

DD is 9, competed L8/9 this year. She seems ALOT like your daughter. Suffers from General Anxiety Disorder, is super smart, and super self critical. Killer combination for a gymnast, especially a relatively young one at a higher level.

There is a fine balance to be found, that relies on three parties. You, your daughter and her coaches. It has taken our group a long time to get to where we are, and although there is room for improvement, it works.

DD never wants to try new skills. Once she tries, works it a few times, it's all good, but she can balk for weeks if she's allowed to. Coaches asked her to try a double back dismount into the pit (from bars) a ways back, and finally after a month of "are you ready?" Even I had to chime in and say, look if they think you are ready, you are ready. They're not known for unnecessary pushing. One day she did it..... She said after because she couldn't live with another day of knowing she balked. That was about 10 days ago. Yesterday she was doing RO BHS double backs into the pit on the rod floor .

I can't tell yu what will work for your daughter. But for us it is a constant "work in progress".

Good luck to you both. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to chat at all.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

i hate to simplify...but you must explain to her that every living, breathing human has a 'negative committee' that resides in their head. some more than others. you have to convince her to tell her 'negative committee' residing in her head to take a hike.

 

[Ex member]

Reading the posts on this thread has made me think about my youngest dd (7). My dd has had to overcome fear issues on the beam while doing forward rolls, she has managed to overcome this and has come to like the beam a little more than she used to.

Dd has had some small issues during conditioning, one of the exercises she doesn't like very much, they have to hang over the pommel horse and lift themselves up while the coach holds their legs, she says her legs hurt while she does them (dd is quite small for her age and maybe she cannot get in the right position on the horse). Dd thought that they were doing this conditioning exercise during her last session, when she came out after warm up (quick drink break) she told me she had a belly ache and felt sick, I asked her if she wanted to go home and she said no, she went back into the gym and had no issues (they didn't do the exercise she disliked) and was fine and dd said her belly ache got better.

Dd said that her coach shouted at her during one of the conditioning exercises (they had to push a large block up and down the floor 8 times) dd said that her coach told her to do it faster (the block was large and heavy). Dd is quite sensitive when people tell her off (she hasn't cried at gym as far as I know but she does get sulky), dd is the youngest in her group with the other girls being 9 , 10 and 11.

Dd's coach is quite young and she treats all the girls the same but maybe dd doesn't quite understand that the coach is not being horrible and it just trying to encourage her and push her further, dd often complains that while on the strap bar working with the coach, the coach gives her some corrections that dd tries to apply and sometimes can't and the coach tells her she is not listening and that gets to dd as she said she is listening but cannot always do what the coach tells her to do.

At what point do you need to have a chat with the coach and say that dd is a bit sensitive and doesn't take to being shouted at (haven't seen this happen, just going by what dd has said) and how much do you need to leave alone and let dd work through it?