Parents Help with sticky situation

[Dka]

Hello all,
my daughter and I could use a little advice. My daughter finished level 6. She had a great season scoring mostly 36-37 all season.Her best event is bars. Many first places, this season. Her season ended about a month ago and she and the other girls in her group are learning new skills. My dd has her giant, clear hip handstand, plus back hs/back hs on beam. She just got a full on floor, and is working yurchenko. The coach informed me that she will be switching groups soon. I am very worried about how the other girls will treat her. They are a tight knit group- all together since level 4( where ironically she struggled and was always in the bottom of the pack- she changed this year). She comes home sometimes and says. That the girls make her feel bad because they get mad that she gets to do new skills and they don't. But I tell her if they are still struggling with one BHS on the beam then it's not her fault. I think it will be easier once they make the switch, but I think it's great that the coaches push her in her group and not just keep them all the same. These girls are her best friends and their parents are my friends. Any advice on how to handle it? One of the parents has said to me, that it's not right that my dd gets to do this and that, that the others should get to do it too. I responded saying well, once they get x skill then they are allowed to do y... That's what my dd told me.By the way the groups would be training new level 6 old level 7 and the other would be training new level 7 and new level 8.

 

[Gymmommy71]

The other parents and girls will get over it eventually - part of gymnastics is understanding that you can't always be the best, that everyone develops and gets skills at a different pace (as evidenced here by how your DD once struggled, but is now doing great...next year it could be one of the other girls that has such a year), and accepting that there are people who are just more naturally talented than you. There are ups and downs in this sport, and limitations that you have to deal with, just like in life.

My DD and I learned those lessons early on, but these girls and moms may not have had the opportunity to go through the experience of someone who's had the exact same training as you advancing more quickly. Just be patient and friendly w/ them, and don't do or say anything to try and make things better (it will probably make things worse if you do) - if they complain to your face about how your DD is working on higher stuff and their kids aren't, just be like "I know...I get how you feel". Your DD needs to be polite too and be sure not to gloat or anything (I'm sure she's not ), and not get too upset if the girls treat her differently...and from her perspective she's going to have a whole new group of girls to work out with soon, right? So if she gets upset, remind her of this.

Congratulations on your DDs success - my DD has had a really rough year on L6 bars - she really struggles with kip straight body casts - her free hips are getting better though...lol...she somehow managed to have a higher free hip than a cast in the first half of her bar routine yesterday...smh, smh ;/.

 

[Seeker]

First of all, congratulations to your DD and her success. Sounds like she's had an amazing year!!

Dealing with this kind of thing is just part of gymnastics...my DD has struggled with a similar scenario as well. It is hard some days, honestly. My DD is the youngest by 2 yrs in her training group and also the most skilled. She is working on different things than the rest of the group and often works individually with a coach. The other girls sometimes give her the silent treatment and complain that she is getting 'privates'. I think that it is natural to feel a little defensive or jealous if someone you're close to has a sudden skills explosion and is getting to do something that you want to do...how could you not feel at least a little tinge of jealousy? But the reality is, that 6 months from now it may be one of the other girls having big gains/success and my DD will be the one struggling. It ebbs and flows and skills are acquired at different rates/times by different girls.

I always tell her it is important to be a kind and supportive teammate, even if they're not always that loving and kind to you. Lately, things have been a lot better. They enjoy being a team and are supportive of each other. Once your DD moves up, she will have a new group to work with. I'm sure there will be some impact, but don't worry-- hopefully any jealous or hurt feelings will pass with some time.

Good luck!

 

[Dka]

Thanks for the response. I keep telling her and my friends that are her best friends parents, that all kids develop at different rates. My dd may stall after this year. She is only in 4 th grade and so much can change! I am hoping once the switch happens that all will be back to normal after a day or too and the only thing that will change is who she is practicing with.

 

[iwannacoach]

You could bring this up with the coach, and suggest she/he consider sitting down every group a few times every year for a breakdown on what is reasonable to expect as the next training period unfolds. I doubt the rest of the parents would object to a forward looking discussion that stipulated, in a vague sense, the criteria for working on new skills.

For example, "Each Suzie will be required to show complete confidence and competence before moving on to the next set of drills for the next step towards any skill." An additional statement bringing about the conclusion that children will progress as their individual abilities and work habits allow, would tie it all together nicely. This would leave only the most narrow of parents wondering what's been implied, and place the responsibility on each child for their own success.

I think that would help each adult understand their child's rate of learning is based on the cumlative sum of their daughter's ability, work ethic, health habits, desire and spirit, as well as her ability to work with teammates and coaches. They may come to realize that new skills by any child in a training group is cause for celebration for that tiny "community" because it affirms, for all, that progress is possible for any who have the collective "ability" to work safely through the drills that lead to skills.

Beyond that, try not to spend a lot of energy worrying about how other parents feel when they compare *their* dear Suzie to your darling daughter. Parents who compare will usually get past "that" and become supportive friends, and those who don't evolve are probably too far into their own petty greed and acrimony to "see the light." About the only good thing to be said, about the jealous type, is you can judge your daughter's progress based upon the pitch of their whining, which frees you from having to figure out the sport to the extent they have. So consider them a resource......... that's best left ignored.

 

[MaryA]

DD is in sort of a similar situation, and was pretty devastated when she found out that her training group was splitting up, even though she was moving up. I guess I'm fortunate that I haven't felt any resentment directed at us, and, as far as I know, neither has DD. At the beginning of the year, a girl from her training group skipped a level, and I'll admit that the CGM in my head whispered "why not MY DD?" but I would never have voiced that sentiment or let it affect how I treated the girl or her mom, and DD was sad she wasn't getting to train with this girl anymore, but happy for her having the opportunity to compete up a level. Now, they'll get to be back together again. And I'm sure the configurations of the training groups and who is at the top of he podium will continue to change. I think gymnasts and parents do get used to the fact that not everyone progresses at the same speed, and we have no control over things like injuries or mental blocks or growth spurts. This sport is so all-consuming as it is. The people who are involved in it need to support each other and not let petty jealousies make it more difficult than it needs to be.

 

[Iwannabemargo]

DD is in sort of a similar situation, and was pretty devastated when she found out that her training group was splitting up, even though she was moving up. I guess I'm fortunate that I haven't felt any resentment directed at us, and, as far as I know, neither has DD. At the beginning of the year, a girl from her training group skipped a level, and I'll admit that the CGM in my head whispered "why not MY DD?" but I would never have voiced that sentiment or let it affect how I treated the girl or her mom, and DD was sad she wasn't getting to train with this girl anymore, but happy for her having the opportunity to compete up a level. Now, they'll get to be back together again. And I'm sure the configurations of the training groups and who is at the top of he podium will continue to change. I think gymnasts and parents do get used to the fact that not everyone progresses at the same speed, and we have no control over things like injuries or mental blocks or growth spurts. This sport is so all-consuming as it is. The people who are involved in it need to support each other and not let petty jealousies make it more difficult than it needs to be.

Well said Mary - with so much time, money and emotion invested in your childs progress the CGM can rear her ugly head - the difference being most of us can boot her back into the cupboard where she belongs.

 

[Muddlethru]

Well said Mary - with so much time, money and emotion invested in your childs progress the CGM can rear her ugly head - the difference being most of us can boot her back into the cupboard where she belongs.

I use chalibucket to rear my ugly CGM head. So, luckily it is back in the cupboard shortly thereafter. Then the catholic in me drowns me in guilt. Ugh!

I find a great majority of gymnasts and families are great, supportive people. It takes only one person and maybe a couple followers to cause one child grief. When we were at my daughter's old gym the head coaches told me my daughter will be progressing much faster than the others and that I may get grief from some parents. They told me to just keep quiet and stay friendly. I always played the ignorant parent and claimed I knew nothing. The coaches however took care of the gymnasts attitudes while in the gym. My daughter had no problems with the other gymnasts.

 

[kayjaybe]

I'm sure we will see some this in my gym this coming year, especially with the current L6 group. I wouldn't be surprised if some move to new 6 & some go to new 7. All have their mobility scores, so I think all will stay at least 6 and not go back to new 5.

My dd will likely be a new 6, not 7. She is lower in the rankings on her team. I'm perfectly OK with that. Why would I want her learning harder skills than she is ready for? All that will do is lead to fear & injury. I don't need her to jump levels or keep up with the pack. I've also been preparing her that this is probably the last year her group will all be together. She has 17 kids on hr L6 team. There is just no way they'll all continue to progress at the same rate.

 

[ALgymMom]

I have dealt with this for years. There is always someone in my daughters group mad that she is getting to work a new skill and always a mom mad at me and telling me she's the "favorite". It gets sooooooo old!!! I tried the whole -talk to the coach idea- and boy did that backfire on me! The coach went to practice and told the entire group they needed to worry about themselves and not what everyone else was working.....yep, that went over well!
I am still to this day getting the -"your daughter is the favorite" comments.
My latest remedy is to just drop off and go run errands and stay out of the gym as much as possible!! I don't want to hear it anymore so I will just avoid it!

 

[Dka]

Thanks again for all of the responses. I do drop and pick up, but the moms and i have become very close( well 2 of them especially) over the past couple years. I think i will just down play it, and hope for the best. I am very proud of my dd though, she works very hard all of the time. Good luck to all of your daughters!