Overly Involved Parents

[Coacharella]

There is a father of one of my 5 year old pre teamers. After every practice, he sticks around to talk. He is there every moment of every practice. 9 out of 10 times, he is complaining his kid isn't working hard enough, encouraging me to push her harder. This has started to worry me for the kid's well being and bother me, because it is making me feel incompetent as a coach. She has only been doing gym 7 months and has done amazing so far.

She is 5 and one of the top in her group. In my opinion, she is doing very well, and tends to goof off / not work her hardest from time to time (like any young kid). She is still getting all her skills and all of work completed though in the mean time. I never would notice these "behaviors" if the Dad didnt mention them.

What do I do? It has gotten to the point where he pretty much suggested he wants me to push her so much that if she ends up hating gymnastics, too bad so sad. This is worrying me!!! I have brought it to my head coach's attention and he says a meeting with these parents will be necessary.

 

[Bella's Mom]

Poor little girl. That's rough.

We have a set of parents on our L4 team who aren't quite that bad but still make me sad. They BOTH stay for every minute of every practice which means 6 hours a week. They are constantly asking all the coaches, not just her instructor, to critique their daughter. This child is not a naturally gifted gymnast and works very hard to be average. But she smiles and laughs and seems to enjoy it.

It broke my heart to hear her dad ask the cheerleading coach if he ever thought his daughter would be a gymnast. Before I even realized it popped out I told him his daughter already is a gymnast. Must get better at biting the tongue but dang it......

 

[Linsul]

I'm going through the same thing with the parent of a pre teamer. If it's ingrained in the parent enough, it never goes away fully. I called the parent to explain the goals of the group and lay out specifically why their kid was doing so well. They were also told that killing her love of it is the worst thing they could do for her advancement. We need them to come in and be joyful at the prospects of that day. What they do is hard, and sometimes scary. To approach it with a great attitude and all the curiosity a 5 year old has is the only way to get through it.The parent I spoke to was told that if she starts dreading it, we'd make the call to put her back to rec since her happiness means more than how many leg lifts and cartwheels she can do pre level 4. The idea is to have them physically and mentally ready for competition. To pressure her or push as hard as being suggested will make her dread it, and you don't get good skills from that place.

Try it on the phone, not in the gym. Hopefully that will keep any possible emotional outbursts to a minimum if that's a worry. If it doesn't get better, have the HC do it. Good that you let the hc know, having someone there to verify or debunk your worries is always nice. If he ends up having to make the call, all the better that he's got the situation on his radar.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

There is a father of one of my 5 year old pre teamers. After every practice, he sticks around to talk. He is there every moment of every practice. 9 out of 10 times, he is complaining his kid isn't working hard enough, encouraging me to push her harder. This has started to worry me for the kid's well being and bother me, because it is making me feel incompetent as a coach. She has only been doing gym 7 months and has done amazing so far.

She is 5 and one of the top in her group. In my opinion, she is doing very well, and tends to goof off / not work her hardest from time to time (like any young kid). She is still getting all her skills and all of work completed though in the mean time. I never would notice these "behaviors" if the Dad didnt mention them.

What do I do? It has gotten to the point where he pretty much suggested he wants me to push her so much that if she ends up hating gymnastics, too bad so sad. This is worrying me!!! I have brought it to my head coach's attention and he says a meeting with these parents will be necessary.

breaking up...is hard...to dooooooooooo (neil sedaka). bye bye, dad! if he's acting this way now, when his daughter is 5, you don't have to be a rocket scientist or a crystal ball to know what is to come. bye bye, dad!

 

[Coacharella]

Linsul, thanks for the post. I always love your posts.

And dunno, if only it were that simple to just say bye bye daddy, haha. I don't want to have to do that as the kid is great. I am wishfully hoping a talk with the father will change his ways for the benefit of his daughter's future. Feasible??

I am just sad, bummed out, discouraged, annoyed. I have worked soo hard the past 7 to 8 months to get the kid where she is. She has had a great start and is full of potential. Pushing her any more is not necessary right now. Why can't he see that?!

 

[LizzieLac]

Our gym has a policy that parents are not allowed to sit and watch every practice in their entirety. But the gym has a very relaxed culture so no one is watching on a surveillance camera!! The idea is "sure come a little bit early and watch a little of practice, but don't stalk your child."

Maybe if your gym came out with a policy, that might make him spend a little less time in the gym. Also, parents who have been around this a while, start spending less and less time at the gym becuase it becomes too much of THEIR lives spent in the gym.

 

[Gymdad2]

Right on, LizzieLac! Most of the crazies are parents of 4's and 5's in my experience. By the time dd got to optionals these parents had either mellowed out and realized that this is their dd's sport and they need to leave it up to her and coach or they have killed dd's interest in the sport and she is no long doing gym. I have see a lot of these over the years, and I feel sorry for the girls, but it is a fact of life in kids sports, not just gym. It might help if HC would sit down with this person and explain a few things to him.

 

[cher062]

All the gyms I know have a viewing policy for team parents to prevent just this. They can watch the firs 15 min and the last 15 of any practice and the last practice of each month they can watch the last hour of a practice. My old gym enforced this and if a parent was hanging out too long the owners would deal with the send off.

My new gym all the parents understand the rule and I never see any of the parents say beyond the viewing times.

Maybe you might want to talk to the gym owner about having something like this in place so daddy will go bye bye.

 

[Coacharella]

HC is having a meeting with him. Crossin my fingers he gets through to him!

 

[Bella's Mom]

I would feel a little weird if a gym told me that I could NOT stay at the gym with my daughter. I don't like stuff like that.

Now I must admit that I stay during the entire two hour practices twice a week right now but it's because Bella's gym is in the next town over and it is hard for me to justify all the driving back and forth given the time frame.

Now when/if she makes team and goes to 3 hour sessions, it is more feasible but right now, I would not be a happy mom if I was told I had to find somewhere else to go during practice.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

HC is having a meeting with him. Crossin my fingers he gets through to him!

don't lose sleep over it. some people never see the light.

 

[emorymom]

Well, when my daughter was 4 and in rec classes I did ask the gym to push her and if she ended up getting out of gymnastics YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!! Just to give you another perspective. Though it sounds like a very different situation. My 4yo, who started Mommy and Me at 15 months and was begging me for gymnastics every day of the week (and going about 3-4 times a week at age 4) and telling me she wanted to go the team route ... well when something was difficult, she would either not-try or pretend to try. Thus she was never going to get out of rec classes. She is not a precocious gymnast either. So the HC said "if we hold her accountable for not trying she will leave gymnastics" and I said "it is my experience as her parent with a bit broader view of this child than you, that she enjoys hard coaching as well as less demanding coaching" and I was more than willing to take the risk. Gymnastics is not my favorite sport and sitting through those darn one hour rec classes was really getting old.

Anyway they started coaching her a bit harder, and everything works out in the end, except the quitting gymnastics part, which I am still waiting on and she is turning 7 soon.

Gymnastics has grown on me by now, and I actually require my son to go as part of his home school curriculum, though he loves it once he gets there, because they are so fit.

In my experience preteam and team coaches do coach plenty hard enough, and it sounds like the OP has things covered and the dad is out of hand, but I think there are some situations where if a parent is saying "ask more of my child" it's valid, particularly in the rec classes.

I do not often get to watch practice, but I do like to watch it as much as I can when I get the time. I'm not aware than any gym around here really bans it, but some do not have great viewing areas for team gym.

What I would like is a ban on attending meets ... can I get that? LOL just pick her up and bring her back eight hours later please.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

truth be told, that's how us coaches feel sometimes too!

 

[MdGymMom01]

I agree with LizzieLac. Our gym has somewhat of a policy about viewing the entire time also. The handbook (when kids are asked to join team) states that it is highly recommended that the child build that trust with the coach and the parents not stay and watch the entire time. Most of our parents will stay for the first 15 minutes or come a little early and watch the last 15 minutes or so. Our coaches (MDL and USAG) are also very good about communicating with the parents on the kids progress and often will come out to the waiting area after practice and give the parents an update. I think this communication helps the parents "let go" a little and puts the coaching in the coaches hands (where it should be).

And I totally agree with Dunno in the fact that some parents just won't get it and see the light no matter how much you try and explain it to them. It's sad but many of these parent's kids don't last in the sport too long because gymnastics is a very patient and unpredictable sport--you have to just let go and go with the flow most of the time as a parent.

 

[Coacharella]

The viewing policy will not change at our gym, it has already been discussed a bunch of times before even this pushy Father. I think it is part of the reason we are so popular as a gym, we have a great viewing area.

So, I actually feel alot better now... I am comforted in the fact that this complaint does not seem to be a reflection on my coaching but rather on this Dad's pushy nature towards his child.

Still, feel really badly for the kid though...it's just not right.

 

[NGL780309]

I just have to say that I would not take my DD to a gym that didn't allow you to view. I stay for a lot of practices and I don't really care if coaches think I'm an over involved parent. I like watching my DD, I like watching DD's friends, I love talking to the other mothers etc. I've made some great friends in the last year. We don't sit and watch our child's every move, heck half the time we don't even watch them because we are too busy talking and laughing. Personally I'm not ready to just leave my child for 10.5 hours a week without me. She's 5 years old and I like to be there just in case something were to happen or she needed me.

 

[MdGymMom01]

I just have to say that I would not take my DD to a gym that didn't allow you to view. I stay for a lot of practices and I don't really care if coaches think I'm an over involved parent. I like watching my DD, I like watching DD's friends, I love talking to the other mothers etc. I've made some great friends in the last year. We don't sit and watch our child's every move, heck half the time we don't even watch them because we are too busy talking and laughing. Personally I'm not ready to just leave my child for 10.5 hours a week without me. She's 5 years old and I like to be there just in case something were to happen or she needed me.

I totally agree with staying and watching practice when kids are as young as 5. I stayed for dd's cheer practices when she was 6 and 7. Most of the kids on team at our gym are older so for that reason the parents don't stay. But for the little ones on pre-team, I do think that most of those parents stay, but I am not sure since I am not in the gym at that time.

 

[SkiBumGymMom]

I used to stay for whole practices when it was my turn to carpool, but that was only because our gym was a trecherous hour away and I did my work the whole time.

That said overtly involved parents are hard. I'm a public school teacher and we often had the balance the difficulties of overtly involved parents with uninvolved parents. Unfortunately neither just fall out of sending their kids to school like they might fall out of gymnastics. What's worked best for me is sending a strong, consistent message to parents and kids. You know what you're doing, you can control your class, etc. Sadly you can never change these parents. With kids in that situation I always try to make sure I acknowledge and am proud of when they try hard, focus, treat other kids nicely, do something correctly, etc.

 

[lilgymmie7]

I totally agree with staying and watching practice when kids are as young as 5. I stayed for dd's cheer practices when she was 6 and 7. Most of the kids on team at our gym are older so for that reason the parents don't stay. But for the little ones on pre-team, I do think that most of those parents stay, but I am not sure since I am not in the gym at that time.

I struggle with this from time to time. DD is 6 and a level 5, but she was 4 when they moved her to team as a level 4. DD's gym has had a long standing policy about parents watching, and it basically says once on team parents can not watch. We can watch the last 15 min. of practice, but I have stretched it to almost 30 on occassion. I don't do too often though. My little one is so little but really independent. Level 4 was 9 hrs, while 5/6 is 16 hrs. per week. She has never batted an eyelash. However when she bounds out of the gym, I always get a huge hug and "Mom guess what I got today?"
As her mom, I love her energy and independence. But I still feel so guilty at times because I am not there for her like I was for her older siblings at this age. I really hope I am doing what is right for her. She is such a happy, easy going kid, with a lot of determination. I guess I will see as she ages. Fingers crossed she meets success in all her endeavors in and out of the gym.

 

[Linsul]

Linsul, thanks for the post. I always love your posts.

Why thank you!


We have a lot in common at the moment with aggressive over involvement. I had a situation come to a breaking point today. Well, earlier in the week, but it culminated in an awesome message to the gym by the parent. I thought we were finally on the same page, we had our conversation, a very open honest one. A few classes later the parent actually told me she saw what I was talking about. Then I got asked to cross punishment lines with her that I just will not cross for a 4 yr old, I don't care what level they are. I'm not going to practically scarlet letter a kid just because a parent wants me to. I do not negatively reinforce behavior or run fear based preschool classes. Just won't happen, I don't care if JFK, Jesus, and the Pope all tell me to, nuh uh.

Next thing I know there's a message about that child dropping. A lengthy one that was emotion based fantasy and deliberate misinformation. So our private conversation got made public to the powers that be. On the gym side, our attitude is 'so be it'. Nothing you can do to appease the punishment loving push hard-harder-hardest crowd MUCH of the time. You can cut their drama off at the pass though! This is a drop that won't be resisted in the slightest.