Parents Somewhat OT, but an interesting parenting article...

[MaryA]

A fairly long read, but interesting...How to Land Your Kid in Therapy - Magazine - The Atlantic

 

[MdGymMom01]

Very interesting MaryA!! Thank you so much for posting this. It was a fairly long article but definitely worth reading it!! I found the part about giving too much praise and increasing self esteem very interesting and quite true. It makes sense that many 20 and 30 somethings feel so empty and "not happy" and always like they are missing something in their lives.

PM me MaryA if you want to discuss this further and more in depth. I want to re-read the article now, because there was a lot of info that I can't recall riht now, but caught myself nodding and saying "a-ha" and "yes!" when I read it the first time.

 

[MaryA]

PM me MaryA if you want to discuss this further and more in depth. I want to re-read the article now, because there was a lot of info that I can't recall riht now, but caught myself nodding and saying "a-ha" and "yes!" when I read it the first time.

Will do... off to drop off at Woodward and dance camp tomorrow... but when I'm done living vicariously through my children's happiness I'll reread the article and we can discuss!

 

[AlexsGymmyMom]

I also found the article very interesting! I also found myself thinking about how alot of the ideas make sense. I have a college student and he is very confident but does not ever seem satisfied. I feel I will be reading this article many times in the future.

 

[lhmom]

I read "Blessings of a Skinned Knee" and felt it made a lot of sense. I am the parent of a child who had a life threatening illness at a young age (not my gymmie but my son). As hard as it's been not to "hover" now that he is past the illness, I know I'd be doing him a great disservice always saving him from any discomfort. Same goes for my gymmie. Some of her best lessons learned from gymnastics have been from the meets that did not go well. Thanks for the link! I just bookmarked it for future reference.

 

[jdf]

That was a great article. I look back at all the meets that my daughter didn't medal in, and at least she's building her resilience! I'm going to send that article to some friends and bookmarking it as well.

 

[thefellowsmom]

I really enjoyed this article and have shared it with everyone I know. Thanks so much for posting! I think we can all see ourselves somewhere in there, but at the same time it makes me feel a lot better about some of the parenting choices I make that some people question (like letting her commit so fully to one thing at such a young age or letting her be upset and work it out for herself when she doesn't get her way) - Oh, and less guilty about yelling "knock it off!!!" across the house now and then.

 

[GymGirl's Mom]

A friend of mine posted this on Facebook. I LOVE it! It made me think of this board- I am glad you shared it. I think it's something all parents need to read.

 

[bogwoppit]

Very interesting, and very timely. I was reading a similar article, this one focusses on young men. A topic close to my heart.

Society's lost boys: 'Child-men' delaying adulthood

Raising kids also has to include standing them on their own two feet and giving them a shove. Closing the wallet and setting boundaries that are never to be crossed.

Both articles have a lot to offer. Feel free to discuss the issues raised here, unless there are private reasons not to of course.

 

[lilgymmie7]

Very interesting, and very timely. I was reading a similar article, this one focusses on young men. A topic close to my heart.

Society's lost boys: 'Child-men' delaying adulthood

Raising kids also has to include standing them on their own two feet and giving them a shove. Closing the wallet and setting boundaries that are never to be crossed.

Both articles have a lot to offer. Feel free to discuss the issues raised here, unless there are private reasons not to of course.

As a mom of a college-bound DD, I oh so well understand the 'closing the pocket book' mentality. It is tough let me tell you to think that in order to have her mature she has to understand that the 'funds' from mommy and daddy have run out. My DH is having an easier time with it because that is exactly what happened to him. I chose to move out and fend for myself. I am the middle child and needed freedom. MY DD is the first for me, I'm sure my experiences with her will make it easier as I move along with her two younger siblings. This child NEEDS a job, or she will starve in college.

Actually because I noted that I contributed to my older DD's shyness, I have parented the younger ones with the mentality that they have to 'do-for-themselves' more. This post really has me thinking if I am doing enough to NOT do it all for my DS however. THis child is always on my mind. Thanks MaryA for such a thought provoking post! I read it while at a wrestling tourney with DS and luckily I had read it previously to DS's semi-melt down after a key lose. I let him come to terms with what happened while 'just-sitting' there.

 

[mndl]

Just read the "child-men" article and it was so timely; this morning I was yelling at my 10yr old DS for never practicing the guitar he got for his birthday in March(he'd been begging for one since he was 4). I was going on and on about the lack of follow through, how he would never get good without practicing, how if he thought a 45min lesson once a week would make him a rock star was woefully wrong and then segued into how life doesn't hand you things and you have to work hard and start low if you want to succeed. Now having read the article, I just want to give myself a big pat on the back. Now I must read the other one.

 

[CanAmGymMum]

Thanks for the link. Great article. Had to post it on my facebook page

 

[Danica76]

I am also posting it on FB. Thanks so much for sharing! I work in social services & intellectually know all of the theories, I even work with school-age children...but, when it comes to my OWN children, I couldn't be more clueless!!! This is the kind of stuff I need! So thanks again!

 

[Bella's Mom]

This article is very educational to me personally and I will be printing it out for frequent reference. I don't think that I am a helicopter mom but I think that I hover some and need to let go. I can see a lot of truths about my life in this article. I am a single mom with an only child and I suppose on some level, even though I know she must grow up, part of me wants her to stay with me forever. Of course, that isn't fair to do to her and I just need to "get my own life" rather than letting hers consume me.

Thank you so much for sharing this article. I didn't even know that I needed my eyes opened but I'm so glad to have my mistakes pointed out so I can fix them before I grow an insecure/unhappy child despite wanting the total opposite for her.

 

[Bajanswife]

Whew, according to this article I'm doing a lot of things right! I am not a natural nurturer (in many ways I think I could have been just as happy without kids and living a different kind of life - not that I don't love my kids now that I have them!) ..... so I haven't done everything for them, or coddled them, or hovered. I couldn't wait for them to learn how to look after themselves - in fact I have actively taught them how to do things from ages much younger than most of my friends' kids. I try to let them sort out their own problems if they can, but I do also advocate for them on occasion if I feel it's warranted. My kids get honest feedback, including criticism when it is warranted. They don't get to do everything they want, and they certainly don't get bought everything they want. I am a working mother with a busier husband, and sometimes they have to wait and be bored at their siblings' activities or in after-care at school or at my office because I have no choice - they have to suck it up and deal, preferably without complaint. I told the school from day 1 that whatever punishment they thought was deserving for my kids, feel free - I was never going to be one of those moms to come marching in complaining about my poor little darlings' treatment. I also allow them to get demerits for forgetting things that they are old enough to remember. I am not afraid of competitions in which they lose - we will talk about those times objectively afterwards, about what they did right and what they could have done better. They don't get "good job" after everything, but if I can find something truly positive to say I will. I also stress that doing their best is all they can do - there will always be kids better and worse at things than they are, but if they tried and they enjoyed it then it was worth doing, regardless of the result.

If anything, I guess I have worried from time to time that I am not attuned enough, or loving enough even. I wonder if my kids will grow up wishing they had had a different kind of mom. I wonder if I have boosted their self-esteem enough. But after reading this article I am not as worried any more - I think my kids will probably be OK.

 

[kimskids]

Great article! Thanks for sharing it!

 

[MaryA]

I think, after reading the article, I do feel like I'm doing some things right. One of my favorite parenting books (which I've mentioned before) is "Growing A Girl." I read this when my twins were very young, and I think it truly affected my parenting (FYI: the other book I feel really affected my parenting style is "How to talk so your children will listen and listen so your children will talk"). Anyway, Growing A Girl talked a lot about making sure you get your daughters to "exercise their struggle muscle." In other words, let kids struggle with something... whether it's something as simple as getting the top off of a jar or something more complex, like the way she interacts with a classmate who isn't treating her kindly. And also letting her see US exercising OUR struggle muscle too... like getting the top off of the jar ourselves, even if it means banging it on the counter and running hot water over it or whatever... rather than just handing it to our husbands. The message: Some things are hard and take hard work to overcome. The more you get used to struggling with things, the more likely you are to be comfortable with that feeling AND the more you come to believe that you CAN do it... you don't need to have someone do it for you!

Anyway, after reading "Growing a Girl", I tried really hard to practice this. I let my kids (who were around 2 at the time) try to climb the monkey bars, even if it meant seeing them fall. And then, not rushing to them the moment they DID fall (unless, of course, I thought they may have actually damanged themselves...). And to not take things from them and say, "Here, let me do that" while they were struggling with them. I reminded myself to "let them exercise their struggle muscle."

When I dropped the girls off at camp on Sunday... well, I'm not even sure Kathy noticed that I left. She was already too involved with her friends and activities to pay me any attention (and still, not a single phone call). Tory was harder. They stay in a lodge and it's only 2 to a room. Her roommate wasn't there yet, and while there were girls running up and down the hallway, Tory was still holding back. I know she would have liked it if I had stayed until her roommate got there. I would have liked to have stayed until then too. But I thought that, if I left, Tory might join the girls running in the hallway. She would be uncomfortable and shy at first... hanging out in the room with me would have been less stressful. But ultimately I thought it was better for me to leave.

Now, as for the things I'm not sure if I do so well... am I overly involved? I mean, just being a parent who posts actively on this website obviously means that I'm more involved in Kathy's gymnastics than just dropping her off at the gym door and writing the checks, right? What am I adding to Kathy's enjoyment of the sport by posting on here? Wouldn't I be better off taking up a new hobby of my own rather than posting on this site every day? Am I living vicariously through my children? Probably. I could never do the things that either of my daughters do. I was/am overweight and akward. I love seeing my children's lithe, healthy bodies as they dance/do gymnastics.

And I told my husband the other day that our girls had better turn into holy terrors in their teenage years or else I just don't know how I'm going to deal with them growin up and moving out. It is not my goal to be my kids' buddy... certainly not to the extent that I don't make them clean their room or punish them when they deserve it. But I truly do enjoy their company, and love spending time with them. Which is a good thing, right? I guess I don't know how to decide where the line is between involved and overly involved.

 

[NGL780309]

Can I forward this to the principle at my school? Joking, sort of. As teacher I see so much of this. I feel like our school system strives to make everything as easy as possible for kids. We have a principle that when a kid has serious misbehavior we are told to give them a hug and ask what's bothering them. Are you joking? How about march them down to the office for some good old fashion discipline. When they just hurt another kid I'm not about to tell them how special they are and act like they are the victim. Just my opinion, but I see way too much of that.

I think gym is a sport that is good for our kids. It's harder than heck, it's a constant struggle and not everybody wins.

 

[NGL780309]

I think, after reading the article, I do feel like I'm doing some things right. One of my favorite parenting books (which I've mentioned before) is "Growing A Girl." I read this when my twins were very young, and I think it truly affected my parenting (FYI: the other book I feel really affected my parenting style is "How to talk so your children will listen and listen so your children will talk"). Anyway, Growing A Girl talked a lot about making sure you get your daughters to "exercise their struggle muscle." In other words, let kids struggle with something... whether it's something as simple as getting the top off of a jar or something more complex, like the way she interacts with a classmate who isn't treating her kindly. And also letting her see US exercising OUR struggle muscle too... like getting the top off of the jar ourselves, even if it means banging it on the counter and running hot water over it or whatever... rather than just handing it to our husbands. The message: Some things are hard and take hard work to overcome. The more you get used to struggling with things, the more likely you are to be comfortable with that feeling AND the more you come to believe that you CAN do it... you don't need to have someone do it for you!

Anyway, after reading "Growing a Girl", I tried really hard to practice this. I let my kids (who were around 2 at the time) try to climb the monkey bars, even if it meant seeing them fall. And then, not rushing to them the moment they DID fall (unless, of course, I thought they may have actually damanged themselves...). And to not take things from them and say, "Here, let me do that" while they were struggling with them. I reminded myself to "let them exercise their struggle muscle."

When I dropped the girls off at camp on Sunday... well, I'm not even sure Kathy noticed that I left. She was already too involved with her friends and activities to pay me any attention (and still, not a single phone call). Tory was harder. They stay in a lodge and it's only 2 to a room. Her roommate wasn't there yet, and while there were girls running up and down the hallway, Tory was still holding back. I know she would have liked it if I had stayed until her roommate got there. I would have liked to have stayed until then too. But I thought that, if I left, Tory might join the girls running in the hallway. She would be uncomfortable and shy at first... hanging out in the room with me would have been less stressful. But ultimately I thought it was better for me to leave.

Now, as for the things I'm not sure if I do so well... am I overly involved? I mean, just being a parent who posts actively on this website obviously means that I'm more involved in Kathy's gymnastics than just dropping her off at the gym door and writing the checks, right? What am I adding to Kathy's enjoyment of the sport by posting on here? Wouldn't I be better off taking up a new hobby of my own rather than posting on this site every day? Am I living vicariously through my children? Probably. I could never do the things that either of my daughters do. I was/am overweight and akward. I love seeing my children's lithe, healthy bodies as they dance/do gymnastics.

And I told my husband the other day that our girls had better turn into holy terrors in their teenage years or else I just don't know how I'm going to deal with them growin up and moving out. It is not my goal to be my kids' buddy... certainly not to the extent that I don't make them clean their room or punish them when they deserve it. But I truly do enjoy their company, and love spending time with them. Which is a good thing, right? I guess I don't know how to decide where the line is between involved and overly involved.

You sound like a great mom. Funny, somewhat related story. DD had an older gym friend spend the night last year. 8 to DD's 5. OMG, this child was so clingy and needy. I was exhausted. She needed constant entertainment and help with everything. When she left I told my mom that either I was a really horrible parent or a really great one. Horrible because I don't tend to DD's every need or great because I don't tend to her every need. LOL.

It shouldn't have surprised me with this child because there were definitely signs. I love her mother, sweetest person on earth seriously, but way too nice to her DD. She was the type of mom who would let her DD leave gym on a regular basis if she got tired. I'm talking about at least once a week she'd leave before conditioning because she didn't like it. Her mom would also text me to say she wasn't coming to practice because she didn't feel like it. I'm more the finish out your committment type of mom and the eat whatever I give you or don't eat at all type.

 

[NGL780309]

This article is very educational to me personally and I will be printing it out for frequent reference. I don't think that I am a helicopter mom but I think that I hover some and need to let go. I can see a lot of truths about my life in this article. I am a single mom with an only child and I suppose on some level, even though I know she must grow up, part of me wants her to stay with me forever. Of course, that isn't fair to do to her and I just need to "get my own life" rather than letting hers consume me.

Thank you so much for sharing this article. I didn't even know that I needed my eyes opened but I'm so glad to have my mistakes pointed out so I can fix them before I grow an insecure/unhappy child despite wanting the total opposite for her.

I'm a single mom too, excpet 2 kiddos. I'm overprotective as far as where she goes, who she's with etc, but that's because this world is full of crazy people.

I often worry that I don't do enough for my kids. I'm tired so I'm often telling her to get it herself and I feel guilty for that. I guess it's a good thing afterall. Basically I'm just lazy lol. When she says she's hungry I don't jump up and fix her a full meal. I say, "I'm busy on CB, make yourself a PB&J or starve." LOL She does chores and sorts her own laundry, loads the dishwasher etc. My biggest guilt is that she helps her little sister so much. She dresses her for me, makes her sandwhiches, helps her.

I was raised this way though. I came from a big family and had to do a lot for myself and my younger siblings from a young age.