Parents team sportsmanship

[imagymparent]

ok, very sticky situation.We have a gymnast (lvl 8) who's mom is a coach of the compulsory teams. The gymnast does a lot of "bragging" for example, "you know, I cant wait for this weekends meet, because then after that I will be moving up to another level!!" then at meets she says " Did you SEE my bar score A 9.4!!!" Can you beleive it!!" " You know, I was THE ONLY ONE who didnt fall on my beam routine !!" then the kicker, she sends texts to level 9 girls saying that she made the "real regional" team , and the other 2 only made the mixed state teams. The father let it slip at a meet one weekend, that " Well, I guess all those extra weekends spent in the gym have really paid off !!", so.....ok, she gets perks because her mom is a coach, and we all actually had a clue she was getting extra practice, it really showed. But HELLO, dont admit that your kid is getting free practices !! As parents we as a group have decided long ago to let the kids take care of her, as only 11-12 yr olds will, but it seems to be getting worse. And yes, the coaches of the optionals did come down on her, but it seems to have fallen on 11 yr old deaf ears. in fact , the "bragging" has gotten worse, hence the involvement now of the older optional girls. We hear from the "coach mom" of why doesnt anyone like her daughter, and she wants to hear the truth, but when some have told her the truth, of course, it hurts, and she blames US, the other parents, and gymnasts, for being jealous, or downright mean to her daughter, and that she is just fighting back. That may be true, I have learned long ago, to drop and run, I dont hang out with the other parents, or in the lobby, as its A LOT OF DRAMA, so I dont know what the kids say, we do have some pretty interesting personalities on the team, some are shy, and quiet, most just ignore the gymnast, Any help would be greatly appreciated, I try to stay out of it, but of course everyone talks.

 

[gymjoy]

I'm thinking, and my gymnast dd agrees, that the head coach needs to step in here and put an end to this - especially the bragging. It will destroy the team eventually. I always, always feel that bragging and putting down team-mates should be dealt with swiftly and harshly. The girl and her parents need to be brought down a couple of pegs - publicly (IMHO).
I also feel that if this girl is allowed to come in for extra time free, then all the girls should be extended the same deal. If not than this girl and her mom should either be cut off or made to pay for their gym time. I know thing are not always fair in gymnastics, but they should be as fair as possible within a single gym.

However, it is probably best to keep doing what you are doing by staying clear of it. Unless it is directly affecting your dd. Then I would direct any complaints or worries to the head coach only.

 

[bookworm]

Unfortunately there are girls like this in every gym...not always to the degree you describe though. We had a very similar situation where one of the gymnasts was always bragging about her accomplishments etc and guess what? ..she doesn't really have any friends in the gym. Her mother (who works at the gym but is not a coach) wonders if people just don't like her daughter because they are "jealous" of her but a few of us (at her request) have told her exactly how her daughter behaves and that is why the girls don't really want to be around her. Of course , the mother has multiple excuses ("the girls must have misunderstood what she was saying" etc) so the behavior continues. I don't know what you can do ,especially where the mom is a coach, other than ignore her. When she doesn't get the feedback she craves, maybe she'll just stop talking...

 

[Pickle's Mom]

It always seems like there is so much drama around coach's kids.

I feel for everyone in this situation. It’s hard to be 11 and really excited and told that you need to be confident in order to win and understand that behavior is not going to serve you in the long run. She’s like the Reality TV contestant who says “I didn’t come here to make friends…â€￾ when clearly it’s that she doesn’t know that value of friends.

And I feel for the Head Coach too. I am a total Mama Lion and if anyone looks at my kids cross-eyed I want to bite their heads off. She’s doing her child a disservice, but she got the best intentions at heart.

In a perfect world, if all the planets aligned, here’s what I would do… Have the mom HC, her daughter, a girl on the daughter’s team who is kind and mature (and sort of popular), and that daughter’s mom all go out together for something fun (Ice Cream comes to mind). Sit around and talk and during the conversation talk about the gym: what the girls like and what they don’t, how they feel about things. Turn it to the other girls in a positive way (“how important is it for you to have friends?â€￾ “what do you do when you are competitive with your teammates?â€￾“how do you think X feels making the mixed state team?â€￾ “Do you think you hurt her feelings?â€￾)

This child is going to have a life after gymnastics and these are great skills for her to learn for all aspects of it.

 

[imagymparent]

thanks for all the great advice, I don't feel so alone. In this sport, you always think the grass is greener, its not. He is a GREAT coach, as far as building skills and getting the kids to acheive, however he has no idea what to do with the social aspect, he also puts NO regard in what parents think, we are just a nuisance to him. I certainly don't totally blame the mom, I would defend my child until I die, as we all would, however, she asked for us to be honest with her, and she didn't mean it, or at least she wasn't prepared to hear the worst. That's the problem, to this family, there is no life after gymnastics, they eat, breathe, and live it. We all do, you cant help it, but when the parents say things like, second place is the 1st place loser, something is wrong. Bookworm: you hit the nail on the head, I can bet she thinks everyone is jealous of her. ONe of the moms fave comments is "we are just so misunderstood" I do feel really bad for her, and I am afraid of her very fragile emotional state, I don't want to push someone over the edge. Thank you my new CB friends, I feel better knowing I am not alone !!

 

[cathiann]

Oh my--I can see where that daughter gets her attitude with the parents talking like that! If the HC won't handle it, really not much you can do except continue to ignore her. It's too bad her mom can't see it.

 

[Aussie_coach]

It sounds like this girl just really lacks social skills. Usually excessive bragging is caused by a kid who is actually very insecure underneath, kids who are truly happy and confident don't need to brag so much. And by the sounds of it her father lacks social skills as well which would answer why the daughter does.

 

[Swiftli]

These girls and their mom's exist everywhere. I have recently seen this in our gym as well.

I think it is the nature of our sport and how it is designed. We pit gymnasts against each other for that coveted top spot in events and AA, team awards are nice but they don't have the impact a top AA award gives the gymnast.

It is a fine line between feeling proud of your accomplishments and screaming it to the world versus bragging about them to make others feel bad. If this girl puts in the hard work and it shows, she should be able to share her excitement with others especially in the gym but she also needs the social skills to realize when shush and use her excitement to help others boost others on her team.

I agree with letting the kids work it out but I also would be a continual voice in my daughters ear about what is right and wrong with the things the girls says to others...falling back on the Queen Bees vs. Wannabes story.

 

[gymjoy]

I also would be a continual voice in my daughters ear about what is right and wrong with the things the girls says to others....

Absolutely!! As well as helping my dd know what is the right and wrong way to respond or not respond in these situations.

We have been through similar situations as well (haven't we all) Unfortunately, my dd did not handle herself well once in responding to some snide comments and came off looking like the trouble-maker at first. Luckily the coaches talked to several of the gymnast to get to the bottom of the situation, and things turned out okay. However, I did reprimand and punish my dd for her actions so she would never think of acting like that again - not matter how angry or frustrated.

It is so frustrating to deal with these situations. I thought as I got older it would stop - but even as an adult it happens. It can be very dispiriting if you let it get to you on a personal level. So much harder when you are a young girl.