Parents Teamates and drama

[imagymparent]

hello everyone, just need some opinions and advice on how anyone handles in inevitable drama with 11-14 year olds. I need some ideas for building team sportsmanship, and support of one another. Do you as a parent interfere? Let them work it out? or have a team parent get together to discuss issues that have been allowed to go on for years. I belive coach wants them to police themselves, however, it has not worked in 4 years. We get a lot of segregation of this group (they do train in 2 groups, as there are 11 of them) they pit one kid against another, "coach" each other ect, and have gone as far as belittling others at birthday parties. Lately we have had one kid want to take a team picture "only with the girls she particularly trains with in the picture" . Then this child wonders why "no one likes her" She also has told other teamates outright "I secretly wish you fall on your beam routine" did I mention this is a coaches kid?? I dont really want to stir the pot, if this is "just the way it is " It just makes me sad to have them look back on what will be the majority of their childhood, and have all these bad feelings, feelings of being bullied ect. We as parents have kinda talked to the coach (hes not too particularly warm and fuzzy, thinks parents are just a pain in the ....but a great coach non the less) I would love to hear from some upper level optionals, these girls are level 9, and wondering if you are going through the same thing?? HELP ! Maybe I'll just have a glass of wine.

 

[flippin out]

That situation really stinks! We had this problem a few years ago (all revolving around 1 girl). The team (and parents) of this level all got along great and loved to hang out. But, 1 girl would make snide comments to the other girls....usually if she was jealous that someone else was doing better than her. She would try to pit 1 girl against another girl and stir up animosity.....luckily that never truly worked. When this girl left the team, that atomosphere left as well. The rest of the girls are still there (this was a few years ago) and are still a very close group. They support each other, cheer for each other. It's so great to see.

Sorry.....I got off topic. I'm afraid that we never figured out what to do about this girl while she was there. The problem fixed itself when she left. I'm afraid that if you go to the coach....she's his kid and he won't want to hear it, and it might just make it worse. Is there anyway that the rest of the kids can 'ignore' her? Maybe if no one is listening to her....she'll see that she's wasting her breath. I think most kids who do that type of behavior, do it for an audience....and if there is no audience, she'll get the point and stop?..hopefully!

Hope someone else has some better ideas on how to handle her and will post for you. I really feel for your situation

 

[Granny Smith]

I understand your position and can say that I've seen it myself at my dd's gym. This is not currently the case, but have seen it in the past. What I found to be the problem has been a "few" of the girls being the bad apples. The coach has had on occasion when it has gotten real bad, like one girl outright saying in front of the entire team that she does not like another girl to her face, taken the girls and has had meetings with just them (the higher level middle/HS girls.) This has helped in the past. I will say though the coach has admitted on occasion that she does like a little competition between the girls. She always states "we're a team, blah, blah, blah" but doesn't always want to be the one to step in and deal with it!

We, as the Moms, try to plan activities for the girls and we invite basically everyone. This does promote team building and lets the girls be girls outside the gym. We have done pool parties, corn mazes, amusement parks in addition to traditional birthday parties. I really think it makes a difference. Some of the girls who were "not so nice" all of a sudden were thrilled that they were invited to do these activities and have opened up some to the other girls (being more friendly.)

The girl who secretly wishes that the other would fall off the beam will still think that, but maybe she will get to the point where she feels she doesn't have to voice it. Also teach your dd and her friends that that's the way she is - kill her with kindness! Same with the "picture" girl. Majority of the time these girls are looking for a reaction, if you don't give it to them, they die out. Where's the fun of being the jerk when no one is paying attention to you. Ignore them and focus on the positive of everyone else. Either they will change or fade away.

 

[Ingwe]

I don't have an answer for you but wanted to let you know that we have a smiliar situation at my Dd's gym. Same as Flippin Out it all revolves around 1 girl. She is snarky, cries, and basically demands attention at all times. Unlike Flippin Out though, our 'trouble maker" is still at the gym.

In the begining the girls tried to include her in out of gym activites, but after months of hearing her run her mouth during gym they just stopped inviting her to do things. Then her parents went to the owner and coaches to complain about her being excluded,. They in turn tried to explain to the parents just what was being said by their DD at the gym but they didn't want to hear it. Things are sort of at a stand still. It really is ashame because all the rest of the girls and parents get along famously.
These girls are the same age range as your group and range from L8-L10.

If the kid in your gym is the coaches child then I am going to assume that this coach is aware of just how snarky this kid is and more then likely won't do a thing about it. Imo, I would just tell the other girls to ignore this child and maybe after awhile this kid will get a clue and change her ways.

Sorry that I wasn't very helpful but wanted to let you know that this sort of things seems to happen in a lot of gyms.

 

[imagymparent]

Thanks to both of you for the ideas. The "picture" girl is actually another coaches kid, not head coach. This can make it even more sticky. We have done group things in the past, these kids have been together for 5 years. You would think the drama would have been in check by now but...its just different. You are right about the coaches wanting a "little competition" between the girls, I remember hearing something about that come up in the past. You guys are absolutely right in saying these kids are just looking for attention. Maybe its time for a group thing again, its been a while

 

[flippin out]

Maybe like someone said in another thread ------ Coach could gather kids toward the end of practice once a month and sit them in a circle. Each kid must name 1 thing that they are proud of themselves for, AND 1 thing that they are proud of someone else for doing.

Dd's gym has done this before.....it's was a very positive experience for all the girls and the coaches. Caution though.....make sure that they can only say POSITIVE things and not turn it into a "but, I don't like when so-and-so does this" type of thing. The girls may only say something they are proud about. Dd's school does the 'bullying circle' and that is a disaster! Kids getting in a circle to tell other kids what they are sorry for........ turns into chaos. Kids 'apologizing' for things said behind other's backs, are now saying them in front of everyone in the guise of 'sorry'. I don't buy that! They are just humiliating the kid in front of the entire class.....and being praised for doing it !!! Kids' do not leave that thing thinking it was a positive experience! Do NOT let the positive circle turn into that! UGH!

 

[Ingwe]

A couple of years ago when my Dd was a L7 the gym tried this thing where they did "mock" meets and the girls judged each other. You want to talk about a disaster. Ack!! LOL! Needless to say that was short lived.

I do like the idea about the circle thing. I may suggest this at our gym.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

geesh...where do you start? leadership comes from the coach and support comes from the parents. get in line or everyone is OUT. this would not be tolerated at all in most programs. everyones poop stinks. and that child's is no different.

 

[PureTalent]

geesh...where do you start? leadership comes from the coach and support comes from the parents. get in line or everyone is OUT. this would not be tolerated at all in most programs. everyones poop stinks. and that child's is no different.

Totally agree. The first thing comes across my mind is what the heck is the coach doing about it? Obviously nothing. Like dunno said this certainly would NOT be tolerated at our gym. Coach would be quick to kick them out for a period of time, or sit them out until they're ready to respect their teammates. Either be respectful and play nice and if you can't, there's the door.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sucks. Most gyms should NOT tolerate this....at all!

 

[txgymfan]

Just a thought,

Include the coach in your positive circle. Adults respond to praise too and the better the coach feels about his/her self the better she is able to lead the team. Your coach may have some personal issues and need a bit of a boost.

 

[flippin out]

Just a thought,

Include the coach in your positive circle. Adults respond to praise too and the better the coach feels about his/her self the better she is able to lead the team. Your coach may have some personal issues and need a bit of a boost.

Yes, I forgot to mention that. Dd's coaches also participated in the circle. It was a very positive experience for all - both kids and coaches

 

[cher062]

Talk to the coach and owner with your concerns and see what their response is. Let them know you don't feel that policing themselves seem to be the solution. Unless the coaches are willing to stop the behavior when they see it, it will continue. They can't control what goes on outside the gym (that is a parents job) but they sure can control how the kids interact at the gym. Makes me wonder about other parents at your gym that they don't see this issue and stop their kids from being this way.

 

[SamIam]

Maybe I'll just have a glass of wine.

I think you nailed it right here!