Parents DD BWO block and MY Frustration!

[CCGymbug]

So, I need help from experienced parents. My DD continues to have a fairly significant Beam BWO block. I stopped at the end of practice and watched her spend more time sitting and staring into the abyss that doing her drills. I was irate!
First, I am not upset that she isn't getting the skill; but upset at her lack of drive to work on said skill. I understand there is a fear issue but she will find any and every excuse not to practice at home and is not trying nearly as hard as she could at the gym.
How do I, as a parent, stay calm when I feel she isn't making an effort to work and overcome her fear? One can not get comfortable if one avoids the beam and Arial skills.
Like most parents here, I drive an hour round trip 4 days a week to the gym. In addition to driving, it cuts away all family time and takes a majority of our funds to keep her at that gym. I did not mind when I knew she was giving it 100% effort.
DD in general is a very hard worker and does give the other 3 events her best. So it is very obvious by her lack of interest. I have told her maybe xcel or T & T would be a better fit if she isn't willing to work hard on beam. One can not continue to progress through the levels when lacking in an event. She only wants the JO course, period.
DD also has inattentive/mixed ADHD. Is this just how girls are with a fear? AdHd personalities avoid things they do not want to do. How do I figure out if it is a block/fear or avoidance? I have tried not even speaking gym etc and she just stopped practicing on her home beam. Her coaches are frustrated to the point of giving her homework assignments.
I expect DD to work and try and I am so angry I want to pull her and make her do gym near home or make her repeat 4 if she isn't going to try.

 

[kayjaybe]

First - why is she practicing at home? I would stop that now. That is just adding pressure she doesn't need.

Second - kids that have blocks don't have them because they aren't trying. They want more than anything to be able to go. They just....can't. My kid has had blocks on EVERYTHING. BWO on beam, then BHS on beam. Then BWO-BHS connected, then BHS-BHS. And we won't even get into the whole "giant on bars" fiasco.

What I've learned over the past 4 years watching these struggles is --- stay out of it. Do not focus on it. Don't ask about it. She will work through it in her own time. Or she won't and she will quit. But she will NOT work through it any quicker with you becoming irate or the coaches telling her to work them at home. In fact, that could make it last even longer

The best solution is to take all the pressure off. If she can't get it, then she will likely repeat L4. And if she does repeat, it won't be the end of the world.

Gymnastics is a LONG journey. It took me a while to realize it is HER journey and that I should be there to support, encourage, and write the checks. She is the one out there doing incredibly scary things and she needs to do them in her own time.

I will say - one benefit to a kid that gets blocks early is that if they stick with the sport, they DO learn how to work through them. Kids that have a block like this appear for the first time in higher levels often have a much harder time because they have no practice working through them. My dd has LOTS of practice, LOL!

 

[skschlag]

So, from my experience with blocks, she IS trying. And if it is a real block, it is more exhausting standing there thinking about it that those kids that can do it.

Story: A girl at my son's gym developed the same block. She could not go backward on beam. Started with BHS, went to BWO. Nothing. Coaches said she wasn't working hard enough, mom said she needed to try harder. She was sent home a lot. Took a 2 week break. nothing. In fact, the block them moved to floor, and to her flyaway on bars. She worked hard on everything else in gym. All the time. But not on backwards.

Then, the mom stopped talking about it at all. The coaches worked around it. They worked other skills to put in place, and took deductions as needed. She started doing bwo again on floor. She started doing standing back tucks. Finally, now, a year later, she is working BHS on beam with a spot.

It truly took everyone letting her work through it for her to get over it. She is an amazing gymnast. But really, fighting through a block can seem like not trying.

Now, I dont know your dd, but that is my thoughts.

 

[CCGymbug]

I am confused. To me trying would be to get on the beam not sit on the floor till the coach sees u and then get up again. She has a beam at home to, practice jumps etc so that she can feel more comfortable with just being on it. So I am really lost.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Can't be anything but tough love on this.

Stop.even.talking.about.it.

Practice at home. Home should be her safe harbor. Stop.

JMO, the amount of money I spend on my kid is my choice. The time I spend is my choice. I don't write the check or drive with a she owes me POV. But then any thing I give I don't attach strings to.

She has an injury, a mental injury. What if she sprained her ankle?

Do you honestly think she is staring at that beam and space thinking, yep I can do it but it's much more fun ticking my parents off and wasting their time and money.

What would really help is knowing that her parent is Ok and loves her and makes the drive whether she flips the BWO or not. I'm sure she would like to hear her parent say, relax, you'll get it I know you will. But really I love you if you do or don't.

And if she repeats she repeats. It shouldn't be a punishment just a natural consequence of where she is at. And it should be between her and her coaches.

 

[needcoffee]

Leave her alone, seriously don't even think about it. The pressure is unnecessary and won't make it come back any faster. Trust me.

 

[flippingtogether]

There is excellent, excellent advice above. Your DD really has an injury- fears and blocks should be treated as such. She can't help it!
Everyone has to back off and let it be - the more you focus on this, the worse it will get. Believe me, I know.
My DD is the queen of blocks - 2 years to get her BHS on beam.... 2 years to get her giant. That's just the start.

I have to get to bed but look at the recent thread:
'Another thread about blocks'

There are some great posts and excellent insight in that thread. Check that out and I will come back to this thread tomorrow!!

 

[raenndrops]

Her sitting on the floor "staring off into the abyss" doesn't mean she isn't giving 100%.
When OG decided to come back to gym after a 2 year break, we went to open gym beforehand. Just STANDING on the low beam was scary for her. She was completely shaky. Her first team practice, she walked on the big beam and did pivot turns and a few half turns and that was it. She WANTED to try a cartwheel, but was frozen. HC got her off the beam after a couple minutes of that. She got a drink and went back to the low beam and started with walking steps again. After that, anytime she froze on a skill, a coach would say "take a walk" and she would walk the big beam until she felt ready to go.
She had thought about a comeback the year before, but drama and pressure from a well-meaning coach during a private lesson ended that comeback 4 weeks after it started.
She competed L6 this season. Beam still scares her, but she is getting better. This weekend, she placed in the Top 12 on beam in her biggest L6 meet to date.
She still can't do a handstand on beam, but can do a cartwheel. She WANTS L7 next year. She WANTS her beam BHS. She WANTS a beam handstand so she can do HS-BHS. It will be a question of whether or not her mind will LET her do it.

Your DD will get past her block on her time. The pressure needs to go away. Let her succeed where she can so, hopefully, the block doesn't spread. OG started hers originally with Beam BWO and it spread quickly to BT on floor and Flyaway on bars.

 

[momof2gymmies]

Don't talk about it. Period. My DD got a block on her bt. That she had been competing for a year. I talked, I bribed, I threatened to pull her from gym. Her coaches screamed, scratched her from meets, told her she wasn't moving up. Nothing worked. It go worse. She then got a block of her bhs, then on her round off. She could do nothing on floor. Nothing! She could do a bhs on beam fine, but as soon as her feet hit the floor she was frozen. It was beyond weird.

It took her a year fo no one saying anything. For a long time she competed a robhs. Then added bhsbhs. Finally, she was tucking again, but only if her coaches stood 2 inches away from her. She still doesn't like them. She often refuses to warm them up at meets, but she is now doing layouts. She will get over it, but in our experiance talking just made it worse.

 

[profmom]

If you don't remove the pressure, you will have an ex-gymnast soon. There is a lot of good information on this site about vestibular problems, and they particularly tend to crop up with backwards skills on beam. As everyone else has said, you need to let her take the time SHE needs for her vestibular system to mature. I have this teeshirt, courtesy of a daughter who worked successfully through a two-year block on her beam series. Your focus on this and your anger will do nothing constructive and everything destructive, and the destruction will extend beyond gym.

 

[CCGymbug]

Can't be anything but tough love on this.

Stop.even.talking.about.it.

Practice at home. Home should be her safe harbor. Stop.

JMO, the amount of money I spend on my kid is my choice. The time I spend is my choice. I don't write the check or drive with a she owes me POV. But then any thing I give I don't attach strings to.

She has an injury, a mental injury. What if she sprained her ankle?

Do you honestly think she is staring at that beam and space thinking, yep I can do it but it's much more fun ticking my parents off and wasting their time and money.

What would really help is knowing that her parent is Ok and loves her and makes the drive whether she flips the BWO or not. I'm sure she would like to hear her parent say, relax, you'll get it I know you will. But really I love you if you do or don't.

And if she repeats she repeats. It shouldn't be a punishment just a natural consequence of where she is at. And it should be between her and her coaches.

Let me be clear. We have said we love you, proud of you, relax, it will come eventually. I could go on..... yep, there are strings. If my kid is not giving their best effort and no longer wants to give 100% we can move to a closer, less expensive gym. I teach life lessons. If you do not perform well at your job, you do not get rewarded.
I never said she has to get x skill. I said I need to see she is giving her best effort. I do not understand why holding my child accountablle is an issue. Is it fair to my other child who sits though hours of gym and also has an hour in the car drive. Some things effect a family. I am ok with a block. I am not ok with avoidance. If my child sprained an ankle I would still expect her to condition. So yes, I expect to at least see her standing on the beam vs sitting on the floor. I asked the question because I was trying to understand a block vs inattention and avoidance.

 

[gymmomtotwo]

I will try to make this brief, cause I don't have alot of time. I agree with all about backing off. But also some practical advice at how it can work if you have a flexible caring coach and a child with a major back walkover block. The coach substituted a back extension roll for a back walkover for Level5/7. DD scored very well on beam that year and won beam in her age group at the state meet. Level 7 this year, she did a handstand back extension roll for her series and a back handspring on it's own. She won beam at several meets this seasond and placed 4th at state. She now has a beatiful back extension roll back handspring combo for Level 8 next year. She said that for her, learning the bhs on beam was way easier than the walkover. There are alot of girls that find this to be true. Back extension roll is a B skill, bwo is an A skill. Just a thought. Maybe have a private talk with the coach about finding alternatives to the bwo for DD I'm glad she hasn't spent alot of time doing the BWO as it can be very hard on your back.

 

[needcoffee]

Just FYI, standing on the beam frozen unable to make yourself do a skill is NOT a good thing. And it has nothing to do with effort. In our case, it was better to let her get up when she's ready.

 

[gymmomtotwo]

Also, to gain empathy, put yourself in her shoes and try and think what is going through her mind when she is "staring into the abyss" at practice. The anxiety she must be feeling. The fear of the skill, the fear of disappointing you and her coach, possible embarrassment in front of teammates. This is your beloved child. Noone wants her to do it more than she does. When you are feeling frustrated, try to remember that. She is not being lazy or not trying when she is sitting there, she is trying to work things out in her head.

 

[skschlag]

So, what I am hearing you say is that you don't think this is a block, but a behavior. Is that correct?

I guess I would have a hard time believing that a kiddo that gives 100% on every thing else would just not even try on one. Especially kiddos driven like most gymnasts are. Have her coaches told her to just sit? maybe they are trying to take the pressure off. Standing on the beam and not going could be more detrimental. I do agree that there are things she could be doing, but maybe her coaches are workign thru this their way.

She is your dd, of course, and you can do what you want. I do think pushing or putting ultimatums on her could result in her quitting altogether. I have seen it happen.

From experience, the more you don't mention it, the quicker it is likely to resolve. And then she learns the life lesson of perseverance, and how to push through a difficult task and challenge herself to get it done.

 

[lhmom]

If she is still giving 100% on the other events, I agree with the others and just back off talking about it. Mine had a block for a while on the back step out on beam. Kept my mouth firmly shut. If she brought it up, I would just say, "it'll come back" and changed the subject. I saw first hand from another parent what pressuring your kid to get over a block did. DD had a teammate who was a talented little gymnast. She got a block on a back handspring on floor. Mom constantly went on and on about it, even moved her kid to another gym because she thought the block came from her daughter not being challenged enough. The kid lasted for half a season at other gym and quit gymnastics altogether. That was a lesson well learned for me. When my DD left gymnastics last June, it was because she was ready to move on not because of fear.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I teach life lessons.

Me too. Sometimes when dealing with my kid the life lesson is for me to learn.

She has an injury. You want to be punitive to an injury. You are having a battle for control and making it about winning and you want to win.

The life lessons and natural consequences in gymnastics are in the gym.

So move her closer. Probably won't help the skills come any quicker, likely to make it worse. So that war will continue. There likely be a hit to your relationship with your kid. And I'm sure she will learn something, not necessarily what you would like her to learn. But you will have won the battle.

Again, your kid, your family.

But for me, the life lesson I have learned as a parent, especially of a gymnast, is patience and to let go. I smile. I ask how was practice? I get good or OK or a shrug. And we move on. If she tells me something is an issue I say, you'll get it when you get it. That's it.

She does skills that many can not do, including me. She leaps and flips on a piece of real estate 4 inches wide. She has flipped on the floor and crashed and she keeps at it. Watches other kids get injured, has had her own and keeps going. So who am I to decide what is quick enough to get them. She gets them when she gets them.

If her crash has taken a bit of power from her tumbling for a bit so her floor score has taken a hit and she moves down in placement. But she keeps going. That is her life lesson.

Mine is patience and support. Her BHS comes and goes. I figure until I'm ready to work BWOs and BHS on a beam, I need to stay out of it.

And I would put the home beam away and out of sight.

 

[profmom]

Let me be clear. We have said we love you, proud of you, relax, it will come eventually. I could go on..... yep, there are strings. If my kid is not giving their best effort and no longer wants to give 100% we can move to a closer, less expensive gym. I teach life lessons. If you do not perform well at your job, you do not get rewarded.
I never said she has to get x skill. I said I need to see she is giving her best effort. I do not understand why holding my child accountablle is an issue. Is it fair to my other child who sits though hours of gym and also has an hour in the car drive. Some things effect a family. I am ok with a block. I am not ok with avoidance. If my child sprained an ankle I would still expect her to condition. So yes, I expect to at least see her standing on the beam vs sitting on the floor. I asked the question because I was trying to understand a block vs inattention and avoidance.

By continuing to put pressure on her to force her way past a vestibular block, you are doing the equivalent of demanding that she tumble on the floor with a stress fracture. A child with a vestibular block cannot be forced, cajoled, bribed, or encouraged into doing the skill where it's not ready to happen. If her coaches are smart, they will take her back to where she can do the skill and work it there, even if it is only on a line on the floor. That will do more to get her through it than having her stand on the freaking beam and reinforce the blocking behavior by trying to go and not being able to go. Seeing a child standing on a beam and not going repeatedly is seeing FAILURE and poor training, and it is seeing a future ex-gymnast.

How do you know your child is not trying? From the behavior you describe having observed and your child's gym career history, that is 180 degrees away from the conclusion I would draw.

Oh, and do not push this at home. At all. It will only make things worse.

 

[Tigtimes]

First off none of us here know your kid, we can really only offer you advice on our experiences. Avoidance is a byproduct of a block or fear they go hand and hand. Inattention could be coming from the stress of the block/fear.

I will be blunt here this will in no way be your last dealing with this type of issue. It is a part of the sport. Most kids will deal with these issues, some more than others. As the levels get higher the skills get scary. Stress from a block in one area can/will bleed to other events - yes that happened to my kid everything shut down till stress was removed over one beam skill. Don't be fooled it takes major effort just to show up at practice during one of these cycles.

I tried to explain to a friend once, imagine if her kid woke up and was afraid to kick her soccer ball, that ever time she grew a fraction of an inch she had to relearn how to run and kick that ball - how many kids do you think would still be playing soccer? You are at the very beginning here and it is a long road ahead. I get the frustration many of us have a drive and it gets very old and tiring on the good days let alone the bad stretches.. All you can do is sit tight and ride it out, leave it to the coaches in the gym, say nothing.

 

[kayjaybe]

You asked for advice of those that have been there, done that. And you've gotten the same thing from everyone.

She IS giving 100%. Right now, on this skill and event, this is her 100%. It might look like nothing to you, but she is killing herself inside for not being able to do it. And standing up on the beam not being able to do it is NOT going to help. It will make it worse. Telling her you love her, but if you don't do this skill on my timeframe then there will be consequences, is not supporting her.

So push, make her stand up there for 30 minutes crying in front of everyone. Make her start to hate gym...and her coaches....and you....for not understanding. But mostly she will hate herself for not being able to do what everyone thinks she should do. This is the worst part - my dd went through a period of self-loathing that was becoming unhealthy. I almost pulled her from gym NOT because she couldn't get the skills but because she was beating herself up so badly that it wasn't a healthy place for her.

Punish her (because that is what it will feel like to her) for something she can't control and move her to the other gym, where the issue will continue or get worse. Then in a year, she will be done. You will be "right" and she will be done. Hopefully she will find another sport or activity that means so much to her and that she loves, until you kill that love, too.

Or, listen to the many wise parents here that have been going through this for years.