Parents DD having a tough time lately..What to do?

[ellabella]

Gymnastics has been all fun and happiness up to this point. DD has been leaving the gym and saying she wants to quit or go back to her old class for the past 2 weeks because she's afraid to do one skill. She's afraid to do her handstand on the high beam by herself. I watch her stand there and stand there and stand there and she won't do it. Her coach will eventually come and spot her, but is really pushing her to do it by herself.

DD looks happy at practice and seems to have a blast. She leaves happy, but as soon as we get in the car she says she wants to quit. I tell her that's fine and tell her we'll go back and let her coach know. At that point she says, "No I don't really want to quit. I just want to go back to my old class so I don't have to do handstands on beam."

If I really believed she wanted to quit, we would quit. I do not believe this is the case. Going back to the old group is not an option in my mind. too many problems with that class.

How do I help her work through this?

She's in Level 4, but won't compete until Fall of 2011 because she just turned 5. I want to just tell her coach there's no rush. Spot her or let her go to the low beam until she's ready, but I don't want to be one of those parents telling the coach what to do. She can't spend all her time spotting one kid and the low beam isn't always available.

I hesitate, but I thought about asking for a private lesson so she could work on it. I don't care if she can do it, I just don't want her to be upset about it.

 

[bogwoppit]

I don't think that telling her coach is telling her coach "how" to coach. I would just simply let her know that your little one keeps telling you how afraid she is of the HS on beam and that you are not sue if your little one has let her know. Leave it at that and see what happens. A smart coach will work out what to do.

A private will just put more pressure on little one to perform, she just needs more time without too much pressure, she will get it when she wants it more than she doesn't want to do it, if you know what I mean.

 

[mommyof2]

Little kids don't often communicate clearly with the coach. Find out what part of the handstand is really bothering her and let the coach know.

I've got to admit--I've tried handstands on a LOW beam, and I was scared of them even there--they really are pretty scary!

 

[gym law mom]

I agree with Bog about talking with the coach(without dd around) and just tell her about her fear of doing a hs on the high beam. Maybe you could ask if she could work them on low beam until she gets some confidence. Pushing skills like this can cause a fear factor that could take a long time to undo.

Not sure what the rush is to do handstands on high beam since that skill is not required until L5. L4s don't have to hit and hold the hs although they do have to bring both legs up.

You're probably right that she doesn't want to quit, but the fear of this skill has her panicked and she's feeling backed into a corner.

I wouldn't get into doing a private at this point. She's under some pressure already and may feel "pushed" by you and the coach into doing this skill.

 

[ZJsMom]

At this age, where she's not even old enough to compete, there should be no pressure. If she's afraid of something, I don't think she should be pushed at all. I would talk about it with the coach. Don't tell her what to do, but let her know that your dd is becoming increasingly fearful and asking to quit or move back to her old class.

 

[Shelovesthebars]

My 4 year old is training level 4 also and she doesn't like these on highbeam either. I totally disagree with the posters that say doing a short private won't help. When my dd started with her group there were so many kids up on the high beams that my daughter looked like a deer in the headlights with these. A short private later to explain the steps really did the trick.
She also walks herself through the steps of high beam handstands too. It is a lot to remember. Lunge, hands together, arms by ears, lever, down to hit handstand, feet together, toes pointed, one foot back down on beam, arms back up while still together, second foot down in lunge position. Hard huh? Remind her to look at the beam through her hands as she comes back down so her foot lands back onto the beam.

 

[ellabella]

The reason I was thinking of a private is not to pressure her in any way, but to give her the individual help she needs in order to not be afraid. In her old class they didn't do handstands on beam AT ALL by themselves. In this level they do, but there has been no progression because everyone can do it but her. So she's never done them on a line on the floor, then the low beam, higher beam with a spot and then slowly less spot. She's exactly like a deer in the headlights. Half the group did Level 4 last year and the other girls started 2 months before her. Either they worked up to where they are or they came with this skill already.

What she does right now is just stand there and do nothing. She's too afraid to even try. I don't blame her. I'd be terrified too. I think it's a bit more than fear, it's really a lack of really knowing what to do. The coach IMHO needs to go back a few steps in order for her to be comfortable. I don't expect that to happen at the expense of everyone else so that's why I thought a private would let her get that time she needs. Then the coach would also understand exactly where she is on this skill and not force her to do it when she's not ready.

I'm going to try and have a word with her today and let her know that it's really causing DD some grief. Once they move on from beam DD is as happy as a clam so I don't expect the coach to be a mind reader and know how much it's upsetting her.

Otherwise Level 4 has been great. DD has been happy and doing very well. There is still that difference in her being 5 and the 10 year olds, but I've been impressed with how well she has fit in. The older girls have really helped her a lot.

 

[MamaofEnS]

HS on beam can be really scary, so I get why your dd might be afraid. When she does it with a spot, how does she do? Is the spot really helping her a lot, or just a little. It sounds to me that a private might help, at least with the 1 on 1 attention. It doesn't have to all be on beam either. You could combine it with another event so she doesn't feel pressure.

Keep us posted on how she does.

MamaofEnS

 

[NotAMom]

Alright, I'll be blunt (again).

She just turned 5. She's clearly not ready (in this case likely mentally) regardless whether she has done it before. What's the rush? A competitive sport takes a lot from a young child -- a lot more than toilet training, let's just say. So, when was she potty trained (don't answer that!) and how much did you force her when she relapsed even after she started going?

Also, I know I didn't say it outloud the last time but I vote no private at this age and I don't care how much anyone think it helps in confidence, etc. Time is the best remedy for a child this young (more so if he/she is younger). If I have to spend the money (which we didn't), I would get the child a tutor to get a headstart on the school work instead. Again, I'm just saying.

 

[nevertooold]

Quick ways to make a 5 yr old hate gymnastics:

1. scare them
2. put them w/ kids 5 yrs. older
3. put them in a level that they will not be ready to compete for 1.5 yrs

just my opinion

 

[gymnut1]

In her old class they didn't do handstands on beam AT ALL by themselves. In this level they do, but there has been no progression because everyone can do it but her. So she's never done them on a line on the floor, then the low beam, higher beam with a spot and then slowly less spot. She's exactly like a deer in the headlights. Half the group did Level 4 last year and the other girls started 2 months before her. Either they worked up to where they are or they came with this skill already.

This is very worrying. They moved her up but haven't noticed or don't want to bother that she hasn't had the progressions for this skill. They either should not have moved her up (it honestly doesn't sound like she is ready for this class - are they just filling an empty space in it - be honest - she is far too young for it to be necessary to push her) or they should give her the attention and progressions she needs to get this skill. AND they should give her these during training not in a private. As a coach I think it is a disgrace to move her up and then not help her. It is difficult if you get a child join who need something the others don't.. How inconvenient! But as a coach that is your job. To coach each and every child given to you wherever they are and whatever they need. If this continues your child will dread going. And I am shocked that she can't even compete for 18 months. Why can't she do her handstand on a line or on a floor beam. It makes me angry to push a 5 year old into something she isn't ready for , hasn't had the training for and doesn't even need yet! I hope it is resolved soon. I feel so sorry for her.

 

[Aussie_coach]

Definitely have a word with the coach, the coach may be unaware of what is intimidating her, sometimes kids are excellent at hiding their fears and making them seem like something else. Once the coach knows he/she can make the decision to either allow her to do it on a low beam, give her a spot, build up more mats under the high beam or do something to make the skill more comfortable. The coach can also look for ways to encourage her and make her feel like she is doing well. But while the coach isn't aware that she is afraid the tactics they may be using could be making the problem worse.

I don't think privates would help, the privates would be to focus on this one skill that terrifies her and that can turn into the whole situation of privates terrifying her. A kid her age may refuse to come to gym again altogether after experiencing a private based on getting her to do something she is so scared of.

Maybe you could have some fun with her at home, a makeshift low beam from a large piece of timber, or one of those beam floor rolls. Again if you do this be careful not to push her, or even suggest she do the skill, instead provide her with the opportunity and encourage her if she does it.

Kids this age can have their mind changed very easily by something very small. Her whole fear could be based on something very minor like seeing a kid fall off on the skill once, or being told she wasn't good at it once. But on the positive side her fear can often disappear as easily, if she did it once or twice and got a really positive reaction she will probably stop being afraid.

 

[ellabella]

Thanks for all the helpful advice. There are definitely some strong opinions which I'm open to hearing.

We went to gym Thursday and I talked to one of the coaches before practice and the other after practice. They were glad I let them know she was upset. They indicated they noticed there was some fear and would try to give her some time on the low beam if it was open. Because it's often being used by the optionals she was welcome to come in a little early and practice on low beam if she wanted. They didn't do handstands on beam that day so we'll see how it goes next time. We are often there early anyway so I'll tell DD she can go play on the low beam if she wants and leave it at that.

There are strong opinions about whether she's in the wrong group and you are definitely allowed your opinion. First, we aren't some uneducated gym family that got roped in by the gym to pay more money and fill a spot. Dad was an elite gymnast, national champion and international competitor in his country. He coached the junior national team in his country and now coaches at a high level in this country. He plays no part in her coaching, but certainly has an educated opinion that I trust.

Second, the gym she goes to is very small and there aren't many choices as where to put her. When you are at a very small gym there will be age differences. There's another mega gym 45 minutes away where they have a whole group of kids her age and ability level. They do TOPS and have 2 elites on the US National team. We thought about it, but to me driving that far for a sport she may quit next week, month or year is silly. She's not old enough for a regular level class and she had outgrown preteam. The coach of preteam was not doing a good job. Not only was she teaching things wrong, but she didn't care about the kids. You may think putting her in level 4 will make her hate gym, but that coach and class were making her hate gym. Her new coaches are so positive and we both love them.

I know there are other parents out there that have young kids who don't quite fit in a particular class, group etc. You make the best choice you can for your child. Spending another year in preteam learning things incorrectly and having a teenager be ugly to you because they don't understand how 5 year olds act would have been the wrong choice.

 

[gymnut1]

I know there are other parents out there that have young kids who don't quite fit in a particular class, group etc. You make the best choice you can for your child. Spending another year in preteam learning things incorrectly and having a teenager be ugly to you because they don't understand how 5 year olds act would have been the wrong choice.

So true - rarely is a fit perfect. You have to pick what is best from what is available. Glad the coaches are being supportive. Hopefully they will help her out now.

 

[nevertooold]

Second, the gym she goes to is very small and there aren't many choices as where to put her.

I thought this was probably the case. We are also a small program and struggle sometimes with placements both with students who are young and advanced, and also ones who are older and less advanced than age mates. The coaches have to look at each situation and make the best decisions they can. But that said, that is no excuse any child to be on a HIGH beam doing a skill that they have not done the proper progressions for. If I saw my child at that age on a high beam doing a skill I knew they had not done the progressions for I would be very wary of the entire program.

As far as what you can do about it, I would ask the coaches what plans they had to take my child through the skill progressions that the other children had already completed in order to bring her along safely. She has to do it on the high beam b/c the low beam is being used is not a good reason, neither is coming in early to work on her own in my opinion. They can drag some mats, they can spot her, or they can have her stand in line at the low beam with the big girls and call for the coach when it is her turn, for example.

 

[gymnut1]

But that said, that is no excuse any child to be on a HIGH beam doing a skill that they have not done the proper progressions for. If I saw my child at that age on a high beam doing a skill I knew they had not done the progressions for I would be very wary of the entire program.

As far as what you can do about it, I would ask the coaches what plans they had to take my child through the skill progressions that the other children had already completed in order to bring her along safely. She has to do it on the high beam b/c the low beam is being used is not a good reason, neither is coming in early to work on her own in my opinion. They can drag some mats, they can spot her, or they can have her stand in line at the low beam with the big girls and call for the coach when it is her turn, for example.

I agree - when you have a new child join a group you have to be extra careful with what they can and cannot do until you know exactly where they are. Especially when they are only 5. This would make me wary of the coaches. I would have thought that knowing your husband is such a high level coach they would be extra careful to do things right.

We often send girls to wait in line to have a turn on equipment being used by other groups if it is what they need. I keep forgetting she is 5 - having her work this out on her own is not acceptable.

I hope things are going well.

 

[ellabella]

I agree - when you have a new child join a group you have to be extra careful with what they can and cannot do until you know exactly where they are. Especially when they are only 5. This would make me wary of the coaches. I would have thought that knowing your husband is such a high level coach they would be extra careful to do things right.

We often send girls to wait in line to have a turn on equipment being used by other groups if it is what they need. I keep forgetting she is 5 - having her work this out on her own is not acceptable.

I hope things are going well.

The head coach knows husband, but these coaches don't. I don't bring it up and don't intend to. I want DD treated just like everyone else. I especially don't want her to have expectations that are not fair.

The older of the two coaches actually said DD CAN do the handstand fine and when she spots she is just barely touching her. It's confidence and they are fine with spotting her if that makes her happy. She said most girls will get to a point where they are offended if you try to spot them because they want to do it alone. So all is well. On Wednesday she tried a few on her own and actually did okay. She fell, but they put one of those huge mats under the beam and that made DD more comfortable.

I really love her coaches. They are so caring and easy to talk to. Unfortunately alot of coaches in gymnastics act like you are committing a crime if you ask a question.