Parents Moving to Level 4... hurt feelings

[ellabella]

DD is going to move to Level 4 starting today. The coaches asked previously and I declined, but changed my mind. That was about 6 weeks ago when I thought it wasn't a great idea. After weighing our options I thought I'd go ahead and let her try.

She has a close friend at the gym and I'm pretty close with her parents. When I told them DD was moving they were upset. They tried to get their DD moved a few weeks ago and were told the group was full and nobody else was moving. So now it looks like my kid is getting some special treatment. I never told them I declined before. I knew their DD wasn't moving so I figured why tell them DD was asked? When I told them they started questioning me on what my kid has that there's doesn't. They see the girls as being pretty equal skill wise. It was very uncomfortable and though I didn't do anything wrong I feel bad. I don't want them to be mad at me or my child and I hope they were just upset last night and will be okay with it.

 

[Bobby]

Since they tried to get their DD moved up weeks ago it's obviously something they wanted. I guess they just badgered you with questions on the assumption you'd either know the answers or that by comparing notes it would help them figure it out. They're probably not upset with you or your DD at all - just finding it difficult to hide their disappointment especially since their DD will miss yours.

 

[BlairBob]

It's never a good idea for parents to start comparing other children to theirs.

 

[gymnut1]

But if we are honest so difficult not to sometimes LOL.

 

[Obeg]

It's never a good idea for parents to start comparing other children to theirs.

True - but not realistic since that is what gymnastics is... a judged sport that is all about comparing one girl to others. In making a determination of which girls will make team and which ones won't, the coaches are making those comparisons - so it is only natural and probably ultimately useful to do so yourself so you know what to work on.

I agree with HFT - they probably are not upset with YOU or your DD but just disappointed with the situation and somewhat put off by the coaches saying the team was full when apparently it wasn't. You might want to just come clean with the other parents about being invited beforehand and explain you did not tell them then because you did not plan to move so you didn't think it should be discussed. That should make them feel better about the coaches.

 

[cathiann]

True - but not realistic since that is what gymnastics is... a judged sport that is all about comparing one girl to others. In making a determination of which girls will make team and which ones won't, the coaches are making those comparisons - so it is only natural and probably ultimately useful to do so yourself so you know what to work on.

I agree with HFT - they probably are not upset with YOU or your DD but just disappointed with the situation and somewhat put off by the coaches saying the team was full when apparently it wasn't. You might want to just come clean with the other parents about being invited beforehand and explain you did not tell them then because you did not plan to move so you didn't think it should be discussed. That should make them feel better about the coaches.

I agree with this--If it comes up again, I'd let them know that she had been invited before. I would be disappointed in the coaches too-they should give honest feedback to them about what their daughter needs to be invited to move up. If they ask you again or bring it up again, I'd mention to them that maybe they should ask for a meeting with the coach to see what skills their daughter needs to work on.

 

[MamaofEnS]

It seems like you are getting some great answers.

I also know how upsetting it is for your friends. It can be painful when your child's friends are moving up, but your child is not. It doesn't seem fair to the child.

I don't think I would want to know if my child's friend had already been invited to move up. It depends on the age of the child, but this can be heartbreaking to the child who doesn't get the invitation.

I have two dd's in gym. One is training level 7, the other is still doing recreational gymnastics. They both have been training the same amount of years. The one in recreational gymnastics usually stays at her particular level for 2 years before barely passing the test to move up. Constantly other girls reach her level, and then move out again months later. That is very hard for her. She is now doing other sports than gymnastics, that she feels more successful at, but she still does gym.

My point is to be very careful as a parent about what you say to other parents. I agree that if parents have questions, they need to speak to the coaches.

MamaofEnS

 

[ellabella]

I had a long conversation with the girls mom and feel better now. I explained we had been asked before and I just never said anything. They have decided that they are going to ask for their daughter to be allowed to try Level 4 or they will be changing gyms. They think it will just be too hard for their DD to deal with my DD being moved. DD isn't old enough to compete and their DD is and wants nothing more in the world to compete. I will be sad if they leave, but I completely understand. I might even make the same decision if the situation was reversed.

On a happy note DD loved her first night of Level 4. I was prepared for the tears and a minor meltdown because all of her friends that moved up before went through it. It's a big change for a 5 year old to go from a 2 hour practice to 3.5 hours. Much to my shock she did absolutely fine. She even came home and was practicing more. I was so worried that it would be too much, but I feel good about it now. I have not always been happy with her coach and the new coach is great so far. She really knows how to work with kids and is all about the details. Interestingly enough they actually worked more on the easier skills, but making them absolutely perfect. She was doing cartwheels on beam and all she did last night was work on her hands, knees, toes, posture while walking. Every event was less skills, but more details. It seems like DD is going to have to relearn a lot of things. The other coach was really just letting them throw things with sloppy form.

 

[mariposa]

Glad that you got to talk to her. Abby has a really close friend that is really really talented and a year younger than her. We actually left her current gym WAY before team was even something I thought she would even do, because her friend was moved to the developmental track and my daughter was bored in her class, but not moved. At the time, my daughter was miserable because she didn't understand why her bestie that was a year younger (they were 4 and 5) could do stuff she couldn't, etc.

We went to another gym and Abby found a great coach that really took to her and brought out a lot of things in her in their developmental program. It was great because Abby wasn't really seen that way at the previous gym. She quickly progressed and was on team (probably too early, but she was there) within 6 months of being at that gym.

Fast forward to 1 1/2 years later, we are back at original gym and she is on level 4 with her very talented friend. She knew that going back to her current (and hopefully forever if we stay in this state) gym, but she had matured a lot and understands that all girls progress differently. Some get things easy and right away, others have to work their booties off and it takes forever to get the same skills. She has learned to appreciate her friends amazing talent and is proud the level of talent that she herself has. She has seen girls older than her struggle with skills she already has and realizes that every kid is different and you can't compare yourself. She gets frustrated sometimes when she is really tired and can get down on herself, but the majority of the time, she is just happy to be doing what she loves and is very proud of her friends that get skills even if it is before her.

I think sometimes as parents, until you really realize and accept that EVERY kid is different and on their OWN path and also that there will ALWAYS be kids that are more talented, etc, than your kid, it can be rough. It is also really hard to have your kid trying as hard as they can and still not getting things and have to see them hurt and disappointed in themselves. Eventually when you accept the reality of gymnastics, things change and the drama of it all disappears.

Glad your DD had a great night her first level 4 practice! Form is HUGE and it sounds like they stress that. Awesome!

 

[Gymnasticsgirl521]

We were in a simular situation when DD was invited to a "special" class. The mom put it to me that it was "team" for 3-4 year olds. She was very compeitive and actually requested privates to aid in her daughter being added to the roster. Her dd finally got approval after a months worth of privates and then quit because she couldn't handle the class. The mom was very snitty when she was talking to us about it. Now we have just all gone our seperate ways. It is very sad but may like to look through rose colored glasses. I am sure it will all work out. I would just suggest to your friend that they need to talk to the coaches you don't understand it all your self. Easier to play dumb.

 

[gymnut1]

Yes if you can always refer people to talk to the people that make the decisions! How is it working out?