For Parents Serious question for you married wimmin types.

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Tim_Dad

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Nov 3, 2008
414
Region IV (Missouri)
OT: Not gym related, but an adult topic in nature, and I trust the candid opinions of CB parents.

Say your hubby gets a call from the doctor that his latest prostate test came back positive, being a "possible" first indicator of cancer; but wants to conduct a biopsy to confirm the findings.

Would it be better that your spouse NOT mention the specifics to you until the biopsy results are in, or would it be better if he told you everything beforehand?

If he didnt say anything, and the test was negative, would you honestly be upset that you weren't informed earlier?

My wifey is bit of an emotional icon even when it comes to even "possible" bad news. A real gloom & doom, the worst will always happen to her type personality. She's a very happy person normally (because of me naturally :p), but something like this would make her an emotional wreck until any results are determined.

I'm kind of stuck, as we've always had an open and honest relationship that doesn't keep important secrets from each other. But I don't want her to dust off my 'Last Will and Testiment' just yet either.

Opinions?
 
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Linsul

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Sep 19, 2008
876
Pripyat
I'd suggest a sort of compromise of info sharing. Find out how long the biopsy results take. Get the biopsy in secret, let her know your awaiting the results the same day you expect them.

I don't think it's holding stuff back that's as big of a deal as finding out later you were awaiting results of such a thing alone. It is such a personal thing that in my opinion you should await the results in as much emotional comfort as possible, but she'll still find out the results as you find them out so hopefully no harm no foul.

**Edit** I hope it all goes well, crossing my fingers and kidnapping the newly created biopsy fairy to be at your beck and call!
 

gymch34

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Aug 2, 2008
322
east coast
I would want to know.....immediately. I would be upset if I wasnt told until after, it would make me feel like you did not feel I could handle it- emotional or not. I'm sure your wife will want to support you through this.

I do feel you know your wife best, what do you really think the right thing to do is?

Good luck.
 

MdGymMom01

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Mar 5, 2008
2,236
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I would be honest with her and try and inform her casually without alarming her (I know, easier said than done). Just let her know that it is just a test to be on the safe side and that you are not too worried. The reason I say to tell her up front is because if you hold info back and tell her after the fact, then she may end up worrying MORE about you in the future, ya know? She may end up thinking, "Well, jeesh, he didn't tell me about this...what ELSE isn't he telling me???" I may be overthinking this a bit, but I always tend to believe that being honest and straightforward from the beginning causes less friction down the road.

Good luck and I hope everything turns out okay for you.
 

vmom

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Feb 15, 2008
130
First of all good luck and I hope all goes well. Second, tell your wife! She needs to know so she can support you. I'm a worst case scenario thinker too, but I would want to know if my hubby was going through something like this. He's my best friend and I'd want to help any way I could. Besides, I think you won't be able to sneak a biopsy by her. You'll probably need someone to drive you home and make sure you're comfortable afterwards. I'm sending the biopsy fairy your way too.
 

gym law mom

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Tell her, but also with the caveat that sometimes PSAs can give false elevated numbers and the biopsy will clear all that up. Tell her what the MD told you and that worrying is just a waste of time/energy at this point----I know, I know she will anyway. Think about it this way----would you want to know if your wife had to have a biopsy for some reaon? Bet you would and if she told you later, you would be mad as --ll.

Very positive thoughts coming your way. Oh yeah---keep her off the internet and all those medical sites!
 

gymjourneymom

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I agree with MdGym mom(& vmom & gym law mom, we must have been typing at the same time!). I would be very upset if my husband didn't inform me. By not telling her you are taking a decision away from her. You may be trying to protect her. But she should be allowed to decide how to deal with the information, and have the oppurtunity to work through it. You will probably be surprised by her reaction. We woman are tougher then you can imagine! She should be able to be a support system for you & she can't if she doesn't know about it. I believe withholding information from your spouse, is the same as lying, no matter what the cirmstances. It's a matter of trust. Medical issues should be shared as a couple, something you should go through together. As the marriage vow says..."for better or for worse". To put it in perspective, how would you feel if you found out she had undergone a biopsy, got results back all before mentioning it to you or maybe never mentioning it to you? Would you have wanted her to shoulder all of that, without your support? These are the situations that make a marriage stronger when dealt with as a couple. JMHO. Good luck & I hope everything works out for you.
 
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mariposa

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Sep 25, 2007
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I agree with everyone about telling your wife. I am also the type to worry, but I usually research things and often it helps me to worry less. She needs to support you through whatever this is and I am sure she would be hurt that you didn't tell her. I also agree that it could cause her to worry MORE, thinking you might hide things in the future that are medical related.

I would definitely get some info printed out beforehand about the PSA test. They have a very high false positive rate and are actually pretty controversial in the medical arena. Prostate-Specific Antigen (PSA) Test - National Cancer Institute

Anyway, I will send you lots of positive vibes for a negative biopsy.
 

Blackie6

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Mar 1, 2007
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Having a dad who just went thru Prostate cancer AND being that I work in medical records department...spouse needs to know. Sometimes there are several tests done first (urine flow being one of them) before the actual biopsy that can come back negative, but anything that shows up positive on the biopsy and then rated on the Gleason scale will mean some sort of treatment. Anywhere from a "watch" (for low Gleason rating) to more invasive treatment. To go thru some of these tests and procedures along the way to the biopsy, means several trips to the doctors office....you should have your loved one with you. It is an emotional roller coaster and in a husband/wife situation I can't think of a better support than a spouse. You may think she is "emotional" but you may be surprised! Also, as you go thru this, having an extra person in the doctors office with you is recomended. Many times patients hear the doctor, but don't process the information and leave the appointment confused. And, in case there is anything you need to decide and discuss you have both heard the treatments and/or recomendations firsthand! My mom took my dad to every cyber knife treatment and all 5 weeks of external radiation every day. She kept track of all his appointments and kept a file of all his results...FYI always ask for a copy of your results to keep onhand at home!

((HUGS))) and wishing you the best that everything comes back negative, but please share with your wife, especially for the biopsy!
 
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ValleyGymMom

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I would want to know everything. My husband had to repeat a colonoscopy last year and I am glad he did not have to go through the waiting all alone. It all turned out just fine, thank the Lord. Please share this with her.
My prayers are with you and your wife.
 

mkr10

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Nov 20, 2007
50
I agree with everyone else. Share it with your wife and all will be easier for both of you. I know I would want to know.

I hope it turns out to be nothing but a false alarm :)
 

jls1969

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Sep 27, 2007
105
I also think honesty is the best policy.... I know it may be hard, but in the end I think it would best for both of you. You can support each other and celebrate what is hopefully a FLASE ALARM!!!!!!

My thoughts are with you and your wife.....
 

bogwoppit

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Feb 26, 2007
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I have to agree with the rest, you need to share this with the wifey even if you have to embellish a bit to take the pressure off her overactive imagination.

I am going through a bit of this myself, my parents live in the UK and I found out through a friend that my Dad is seriously ill but they don't want to tell me so I wouldn't worry. THis is way worse as now I know but I don't want to confront my parents who mean well but are dealing with a life changing diagnosis. The truth will always get out somehow and it is better to not have to explain yourself later.

Sending good thoughts your way.
 

Tim_Dad

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Nov 3, 2008
414
Region IV (Missouri)
OK OK... Got the message loud and clear. Gee you ladies all think alike, which is sort of internationally scary! But thank you all for the caring and informative nudge in the right direction.

So - I told her.

And AS EXPECTED, the first thing she did, after her initial OMG!'s, and the "I told you to get tested long ago!" reminder's, and recollections of the 'dire circumstances' about someone she read about in Good Housekeeping magazine (THE authoritative publication for everything, BTW) - was consult with her girlfriend. Her saying the same things as me apparently carried more authority. :confused: She calmed down a bit, but I know Google is on her mind.

Ah the drama. I just have to laugh.

Anyway, by antisipating her reaction, I picked up a pair of tickets to see 'Celtic Woman', at the local theator, including the pre-show dinner. She's been wanting to see that show for years anyway. (Pretty slick huh!) :)
 
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JessMom

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Mar 6, 2009
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Well, I was late to the party. Glad you told her. Sending you false alarm vibes ;-)

If he didnt say anything, and the test was negative, would you honestly be upset that you weren't informed earlier?
Honestly, yes. i would want to know. I would probably be very hurt to not be in the loop. I would hope DH would want me with him when he got the news . . good or bad. . I would want to be there holding his hand.

Maybe if you do some research and lay out the likely outcome and worse cases etc talk it out. Come at it with a positive attitude and hopefully it will keep the drama, doom and gloom away

Hope that helps!


I hope it all turns out ok.
 
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v1hebrews11

Member
Mar 16, 2009
61
Well, I would definitely want to know, but I am also not a worrier. Being a colon cancer survivor, I understand that you know this will be hard for her. I feel our experience was harder for my husband than it was for me. But I know without a doubt that he would rather have gone through that with me. If the roles were reversed, I would have felt the same.

I hope all goes well for you and it turns out to be little more than a scare.
 

v1hebrews11

Member
Mar 16, 2009
61
Anyway, by antisipating her reaction, I picked up a pair of tickets to see 'Celtic Woman', at the local theator, including the pre-show dinner. She's been wanting to see that show for years anyway. (Pretty slick huh!) :)
You're a very smart man. :D
 

gym law mom

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Dec 23, 2006
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Tim_Dad, you are one slick dude!! Keep your sense of humor---it will carry you both through this time.

Ok, I mentioned keeping her away from the internet---forgot to add to burn all the women's magazines!
 
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