Parents Carpooling question

[cbifoja]

Several of the older team moms (gymnasts were older, not the moms...well, maybe they were but that's not how I mean it) were sitting in the lobby this evening talking about a situation. I found myself listening to them because it was interesting to hear their discussion.

They were talking about a mom who has asked another mom to transport her child to gym several times a week. A couple of the moms were saying that this mom should offer to pay for gas occasionally while one of the moms was saying that the driving mother was heading to the gym anyway so it wasn't costing her any extra in gas.

In my mind, I feel like the moms who said the mom should cough up some gas money every now and then are right but for the life of me, I can't verbalize why I feel that way because the mom who said it isn't costing the driving mom anything is also correct.

So what are your all's thoughts on this subject? If you were the driving mom, would you resent never having the first mom offer to help with gas? If you were the "asking" the mom, would you feel obligated or that there was no reason to help with gas?

Like I said, I can't verbalize why I feel the way I do and ultimately, it doesn't really matter since I don't have a dog in this fight.

 

[Quadqueen]

Yes, the mom should offer gas money if someone else is giving her daughter a ride to the gym several times a week. It's not about whether she's going there anyway...assuming they aren't next-door neighbors, the woman probably has to go out of her way to pick up the other child. Even if the mom dropped her daughter off at the driver's house, I'd consider it a "convenience fee" if someone was doing that for me. The driving mom is doing her a big favor, whether it's costing her anything extra or not.

Yes, if I was the driving mom, I would probably be annoyed if the mom didn't offer money for gas, or SOME kind of gesture or favor in return. We are talking about regularly driving her daughter after all...not just a one time or occasional thing (which I would have no problem with and would not expect any $ or return favors).

 

[claudidoll]

it might not be costing the driving mom anything, but it s saving the other mom time and money, so pitching in would be fair

 

[clrmom]

I think I would expect the mother to offer something, either to drive the driving mother's daughter sometime, to pick up or gas money. Of course the driving mother is going anyway (and maybe she would say that it is ok and won't take the money) but it is always nice to offer in order to show appreciation.

For my son's school basketball team, there have been a few games that were farther away and there wasn't a bus. The parents would meet at the school and carpool with some parents going and others not going to the game. I always go to the games and took a few boys in my car. They always offer me money for gas. I always responded that it was ok since it didn't cost me anything extra and thanked them for offering. Even though I didn't take their money, I appreciated the offer. It is always nice to know that other parents appreciate you when you help them out.

 

[cbifoja]

Not to hijack my own thread but your little girl is adorable in your little icon under your name, Claudidoll.

 

[bookworm]

I have been in many a carpool in this sport and any carpool I was in had some give and take built in so money was never exchanged because we all pulled our weight because if others aren't driving , then there is no "pool". And it's not that the driving has to be all equal, but it has to work for the people in the pool. I remember one year in my carpool, I asked one of the parents if they could drive to the gym on Mondays, because that was the day I could not do...she ended up doing the Mondays and picked up the Wednesdays but it worked for me because I needed the Monday coverage..

With that said, if the mom who asked for the ride does not plan to contribute to the "carpool" by driving, then she should contribute to the driver in some other way because basically she has hired a driver for her kid...she could do it with gas cards, money or even gift cards to a pizza place/restaurant...and it should be done on a regular basis. From the sounds of the exchange, the women were not friends and the driver is providing a service and should be compensated.

 

[gymgal]

I carpool several girls to gym a couple times each week and have never thought to ask or expect gas money. maybe it's just the southern way (though I'm not originally from the south)... If I can help out another family (or several), I'm more than happy to do it. Many families in our gym share carpool duties but some parents just can't arrange their schedule for afternoon drop off (especially those with gymnasts at two different level schools (elementary, middle, high).

I don't know - I guess I'm just of the thinking that what you give comes back to you in other ways. In our case, dd has had a great time carpooling with her teammates, giving therm a chance to interact outside of gym - if only for a short time.

 

[Faith]

I carpool several girls to gym a couple times each week and have never thought to ask or expect gas money. maybe it's just the southern way (though I'm not originally from the south)... If I can help out another family (.

I wouldn't expect, nor ask, but it would be nice if they offered. Technically over time it will cost more money, extra weight in the car, small detours to pick up/drop off, sharing snacks in the car....

if it were my daughter getting the rides to gym, then I'd offer. If they turned me down (I would), then I'd try to make up for it along the way- help out in the holidays, buy an extra pack of chalk when I'm getting dd some, a book I know the kid wants, hand down Leo's or gym kit if size allows...

ive just offered to take a child from dd's school to her rec class as I'm going anyway. The mum is dithering as she feels awkward as she might not be able to reciprocate, but I know she'd do her best to help out if I need dd2 minded in an emergency, so I'm more than happy...

 

[Bajanswife]

I carpool with another mom, and we split the driving - we each do certain days. I wouldn't feel right if she did all the driving and i couldn't reciprocate in some way (if not by driving, some other way). If I know I cannot reciprocate then I do not even ask for help except in an occasional emergency. If they offer to help, I would make sure they know I cannot help in return. So far this hasn't happened - I have always been able to find ways to give back my time to help them, if not in gym runs then in birthday party runs etc.

I would also feel odd about the payment of money. Money is always a bit of a touchy topic, so I try to reciprocate in kind so I never feel like I have to bring up money.

 

[gymmomtoo]

If I were doing all the driving and the other mom wasn't doing any, yes, I would expect she would offer to help pay for gas. I am doing her a favor and saving her time and money, she should help out. That's if it's a regular thing--if it's just now and then, I wouldn't expect anything.

And while it doesn't cost any more in gas (assuming, the carpooling gymnast lives right next door), it does cost time and energy. We carpooled (they drove there, we drove home) for a year and I HATED it. They were late all the time (drove my daughter crazy to be late to practice), would cancel out at the last moment (but still expect me to drive her daughter home) and it was just generally a pain to always have to drive someone home after practice and never be able to make any other stops.

Sorry--off on a tangent there ;-). But yes, I think the non-driver should offer to help out.

 

[kwnative]

I am in a couple of different arrangements involving carpooling/driving kids. I am a stay at home mom. One of the other moms on our street works, and she asked me at the beginning of the year if I could give her son a ride home from school every day, and we also have late arrival one day per week, and I take him on that day. She did offer to give me money for gas, but I told her it was not necessary, because I am not going out of my way at all, since this boy lives just a few houses down from us. She did, however, give me a rather large gift card to a great store for Christmas, which was not at all expected, but very much appreciated.

The other one is to gymnastics. My daughter goes four days per week, and our gym is a 15-20 minute drive from our house. We carpool with another girl on her team, but we each just take two days. That mom also works, but her schedule is very flexible. We have a set schedule, but if she needs to switch days because of a work obligation, it is no problem. That one is different than the first because I do have to go a little out of my way to pick her up, although not a ton, but it probably adds 7 or 8 minutes onto our gymnastic commute each day. Also, one of the things I love about carpooling is that I am saving money on gas by not having to drive over there every day. So, with that situation, I would definitely want to be compensated in gas money if I were doing all the driving.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that I think it depends on how far they are having to drive, and how close these families live to each other.

 

[Kiwi]

As I am usually working full-time I am not able to get my DD to gym, so she has been going with a team-mate who goes to the same school. There is no extra time or distance as they go straight from school. Her mum sometimes gives my DD snacks as well and generally looks after her. They are a lovely family and I consider them friends. I am very grateful to them as DD would not otherwise be able to get to training. I haven't given them any money, but have given their DD a few nice leos over the years.

 

[srsjbs]

If it was a prearranged thing, with set days that she was carpooling then I guess it isn't over the top to be expecting at least an offer of money to be made. On the other hand I would never expect somone to pay me for giving their daughter a ride to a place I'm going anyways. We live in a small town and the most I would have to drive is maybe 5 minutes more. Our gym is like a family and the other moms and myself are at the very least friendly. We don't hesitate to ask for help if we have a conflict that won't allow us to pick up/drop off our DDs in time to ask someone to do it for us. It's rare that it happens though, we have such a small town that our school district arranged a bus stop at the gym so the competitive girls can ride there directly after school, so most of us only have to pick up 4 days a week.

 

[gymdog]

Of course she should offer something for a favor, unless they are extremely close/relatives, or there are extenuating circumstances for the family so the other mom made a "whatever you need..." type offer. Otherwise, it is obviously the polite thing to do not to take advantage of another person. But I'm not sure if any of these people were involved, and if they weren't why they would assume none of these circumstances apply...if the carpool moms are close there may a family issue others at the gym don't know about leading to this arrangement.

 

[GymGirl's Mom]

That's a sticky situation. I am one who usually contributes to gas money if someone is repeatedly taking my child somewhere. I am not sure about asking for it or expecting it though. I think it's one of those situations where some people do things one way and some people do things another.