MAG Coach disappointment

[Deleted member 10727]

My 7 year old (competing as a 6 year old) level 4 has always impressed his coach with his skills and he has talked about my son for 2 years about how talented he is and how well he will do in competitions. My son's top AA has been a steady 56, but his team mate (an 8 year old competing as a 7 year old, also level 4) has consistently brought his scores up and hit 60 at the last meet. Suddenly the coach is gushing over this boy and telling the other kids to "be more like" him, and to "watch" him, and he pours praise on this kid. My son has started getting depressed and he is losing confidence in his ability as a gymnast. I noticed he wasn't trying as hard and he was losing skills. I took my son aside and asked him, if there weren't levels or scores, what would you want to learn? It's like the fire lit in his eyes as he named off several things he'd want to learn. I told him not to worry about scores anymore, and how he's an amazing gymnast who works very hard. My son began to work harder and looked like he was having fun again.

Through all of this I sent the coach a txt explaining what was going on with my son, and how not only did he compete sick as a dog in 2 meets, but how his confidence is waning. I told him I understand why he is thrilled with this other boy's scores, but please tone it down in front of my kid. We've also had regular weekly private lessons with this coach simply because my son enjoys working with the coach one-to-one, but lately the coach has been flaky about them. He couldn't find time to do his lesson this week. Now, I just found out that the higher scoring kid was asked to come in for a private lesson because I think the coach thinks this kid will win states. I'm really disappointed in my son's coach. It's his job to teach my kid and if something isn't up to par, it's his job to help my kid fix it, but instead it's like he's been booted out of line for someone else who coach thinks is more worthy of his coaching.

There aren't really any other options in the area for gymnastics. I have actually thought of pulling my kid out of the sport, because I can't stand this kind of stuff, but I realize it's up to my son when he wants to quit. Is this normal coach behavior? Am I just too sensitive? I have an older level 4 on the team too, but this stuff doesn't bother him at all (his scores are also consistently improving, and he is about a 54 aa now). I thought level 4 wasn't supposed to focus on scoring, but gymnast retention instead...

 

[GymBeeMom]

This is a tough one. YOur son deserves all the encouragement he has always gotten in the past, from you and his coach. I also believe this other child should receive equal praise and encouragement, as well as every child on the team. If the coach believes this other child could win states, he needs to help that kid try to reach that goal. HOwever, the coach is human, and may go through phases of excitement with kids that he sees doing exceptionally well. Coaches enjoy the success of their gymnasts, from what I have seen. Perhaps, if your son sees this other child doing well, can agree that he is an awesome little gymnast (just like your son) and help your child to share in the coaches excitement of this other kid, maybe your son will be able to get excited about the sport in general. This other kid could be the positive motivation for your child to keeping reaching high and be a good healthy source of competition if you help him see it in this light.

YOu did a good job letting him know that its not always about the scores, and I bet you will be able to help him focus on his own growth and not allow his source of pride to come from his coaches opinion of him but rather his own opinion of himself. I have had to do this with my own dd because her coaches get excited with kids gaining new skills, and it goes in phases as different children progress. I am sure my son will go through the same experience some time, and it is a hard lesson for them to learn.

My only advise would be (for what its worth) to keep encouraging your son like you have been, give the coach a chance to enjoy this other child's successes, and help your son see this other child as positive competition. The coach has always believed in your child, I bet he still does. Good luck

 

[Deleted member 10727]

I agree, and have looked at it that way up to this past week. This coach is not only saying this stuff and acting this way toward my kids, but to all of the kids on the team. He has barely said a word of praise to my son who really needs that kind of encouragement, whereas before he did. Now he's all about criticizing my kid. I do understand the coach's excitement over this kid, as I do think he's exceptional and he's my children's best friend. Not only has this hurt my younger son's confidence in the sport he loves, but it has put a wedge in their friendship. My son *also* has a chance at states. He had an ear infection and a stomach virus for the last couple of meets which affected his scores a lot in areas he normally does well (he fell off the mushroom and pommel) and he would be where this other kid was score-wise were it not for the illnesses and his confidence getting a beating. I don't want my kid to focus on scores, but he also deserves to be coached with the same amount of encouragement this other kid is getting.

 

[GymBeeMom]

YOu are absolutely right, and I hope he gets all that encouragement and then some. Sorry you guys are going through this, I hope the coach will respond to your requests for some consideration in this matter.

 

[Faith]

Through all of this I sent the coach a txt explaining what was going on with my son, and how not only did he compete sick as a dog in 2 meets, but how his confidence is waning. I told him I understand why he is thrilled with this other boy's scores, but please tone it down in front of my kid.

I may be mis-reading but I wouldn't be surprised if the coach took some offence at this. His way of motivation and coaching may be to try and get all the kids in the group to aspire to the best in the group, rather than playing down his achievements and effectively bring the best down to the average. You've pretty much criticised his coaching and shot down this kids achievements by saying the only reason your kid didn't score as well was because he was sick, and it's Ok for the coach to praise yours but not this other boy.

I think you did exactly the right thing saying what you did to your son. It obviously encouraged him and motivated him again. Part of gymnastics is learning people will overtake you, score better, win the meets, earn the praise. But keep working, persevere, and you'll catch up and probably overtake sometime soon. Kids learn at different rates- when your kid is back on top do you want the coach holding back on his praise?

It might be worth a chat with the coach to get the relationship back on track.

 

[Pineapple_Lump]

Faith I think you are right. From the description (if accurate) I don't like the way this coach motivates. However this coach obviously likes it/uses it and the way that message was worded is sounds like an attack on the coach which could be taken personally.
I think part of the problem is that your ds was the golden child under this coaches methods and is having trouble adapting to the fall. I know the other kids get the same treatment but most have always been in that position, they haven't had it yanked away as it was never there. Personally I will praise and show attention to any kids who are working hard (regardless of skill) because working your butt off and persevering is the most important 'skill'.

 

[2G1B]

I can understand why you feel frustrated; but at the same time, I think you were wrong to basically tell the coach to not praise the other kid in front of your son. That could come across as your son is having a hard time being a good sport and being proud of his friend.

It does sound like both kids (and perhaps the entire team) are having a great year and ideally the coach should be praising all of the boys; but I also think that it is fine for the coach and kid to be especially excited about scores so high. (out of curiosity I just looked at the scores for one of our recent meets - only 6 out of 116 level 4 boys at this particular meet had a AA of 60 or higher - so IMO 60 absolutely should be something that a coach makes a big deal about.)

 

[skschlag]

I think, also, from experience, kids tend to distort what coaches say, especially if they feel sad or emotional. My ds will come out saying that the coach hates him, won't let him do something that everyone else gets to, etc etc. One time he came out and told me that the coach called him a chicken and said that he would NEVER get to do a back tuck again. After some calming down, it was discovered taht he balked on his back tuck on his last turn on floor. The coach said, you had it, you chickened out, I am not sure when we will get another chance to work on this right now.

It is important for kids in this sport to realize that scores are not everything, especially in the compulsary levels! These levels are for building the skills, confidence, technique, and form to do the bigger skills later. It is about skill progression.

I am not totally sure what is going on in workout, but do remember that perception is everything. Your son may be perceiving things this way. That is not to say that this is a bad thing, but you might have to reframe it for him.

Does your gym require privates? That is a lot of privates for a level 4!

 

[Deleted member 10727]

Actually what I said to the coach was that he (my son) is feeling depressed and like he failed you. He is feeling like he isn't very talented anymore due to the constant praise on this kid and the constant (non-encouragement) criticism he is getting. I didn't exactly say to hold back on praise to the coach. That was summarized for quick writing.

When my son and his team mates won the team award, I was mortified when the coach had them stand in front of the other team members as he lavished praise on the level 4s, criticized the other kids, and made the other team members shake their hands. So yes, I want the coach to "hold back" on that kind of praise, even with my kids. It's way overboard, and I could see the other boys felt horrible and I didn't like it. In the meantime, a couple of other levels won the team award and the coach did not lavish the same kind of praise on them as he did the 4s when they won the team award for their level.

I am very proud of the other level 4. I went up to him and told him how wonderful he did in competition and joked with him that he might as well have stayed standing during awards because they kept calling his name. I like this other kid a LOT, and I am friends with his mom. That is not the issue. The issue is the way the coach suddenly has no interest in encouraging my boys while disproportionately encouraging this one child. Of course I understand why he's excited! I was excited for this kid! Yes, I do believe my kid would have scored better if he weren't sick. Absolutely. He's better now, but I was worried his confidence was lost and that also affects how well he does. I have been talking to him the last few days and I think I have him believing in himself again. He's super sensitive and has a very strong bond with this coach, since he's worked with him since he was 4. It wasn't just about gymnastics, but my son felt as if coach dumped his friendship (almost familial in his eyes) just because this kid was scoring so well.

No, this gym doesn't require private lessons, but my son loves working with his coach one-to-one on skills that have nothing to do with levels or scoring, although lately that is all they work on. It was my plan even before all of this hoopla to have a talk with the coach and ask they go back to learning things unrelated to scores. They BOTH seem to enjoy that. Since we live in the country, I stay at the gym every moment my son is there and I witness most everything, so I am not going by just what my son says, but also what I've witnessed.

 

[JBS]

Through all of this I sent the coach a txt explaining what was going on with my son, and how not only did he compete sick as a dog in 2 meets, but how his confidence is waning. I told him I understand why he is thrilled with this other boy's scores, but please tone it down in front of my kid.

You sent a TEXT telling the coach to "tone it down". WOW...good luck.

EDIT: Go and speak with the coach in person. Your concern is valid...but not your form of communication.

 

[sjm2b3]

I'm going to agree with the info below....at his age, he is probably exhausted, he's been sick, and he may be more emotional than normal. I'm not saying that the attitude of the coach is right, that is hard to judge from just reading this. The one thing I definitely have noticed from having two kids (different genders) on team is that all kids require different coaching and a good coach can recognize that and adjust accordingly--some may need tons of encouragement, others they are harder on it seems. It may be that he's trying a different method to motivate the kids, and if it doesn't work hopefully he will readjust.

I think, also, from experience, kids tend to distort what coaches say, especially if they feel sad or emotional.
It is important for kids in this sport to realize that scores are not everything, especially in the compulsary levels! These levels are for building the skills, confidence, technique, and form to do the bigger skills later. It is about skill progression.

I am not totally sure what is going on in workout, but do remember that perception is everything. Your son may be perceiving things this way. That is not to say that this is a bad thing, but you might have to reframe it for him.

Does your gym require privates? That is a lot of privates for a level 4!

 

[Deleted member 10727]

You sent a TEXT telling the coach to "tone it down". WOW...good luck.

EDIT: Go and speak with the coach in person. Your concern is valid...but not your form of communication.

Again, I edited what I said in txt to him. I did not tell him to tone it down, but I wanted to!

 

[profmom]

As others have said, talking to the coach and listening is really important. It's hard to know what the coach is trying to do without having that conversation. I'm also not sure from your post how much you have seen of this and how much your son is reporting. Sometimes, kids see/understand things differently. (I too have a daughter whose coach hates her occasionally, at least according to her.) Regardless, if your son is sad and you think the coach doesn't know, then that is useful information for the coach to have!

What I've found is that sometimes a really motivated kid will struggle more when things are not going quite as well because s/he feels like s/he is disappointing the coach and the coach is personally hurt by the gymnast. It's very important for them to understand that, while coaches want them to do well and try to motivate them, for the most part, I don't think they sit up all night feeling disappointed and betrayed that some kid fell off the mushroom or cast over on bars at a meet. The kids tend to think that their personal triumphs and failures loom much larger for their coaches than they really do (a common human phenomenon, I should add!).

The other thing is this: the team "star" is probably going to change many times over the years and levels. But for everyone, gymnastics is an open-ended system. As soon as you master one thing, it's on to something else that you haven't mastered yet, and the reminders about form, form, form will never end. On a few events, my son is the most competent in his training group, but he still gets a lot of corrections and never gets told, "wow, that was fantastic!" Same thing goes for all these guys on their best events. But some kids will hear the praise for the other kids and the criticism for themselves.

Also encourage your son to remember that gymnastics is a marathon. It would be nice to win L4 states. It would be nicer to go to JO Nationals someday! Scores and placements won't keep them in the sport for the long run -- believe it or not, those medals do get old after a while. I do think you're right to be concerned about the perceived favoritism and you should clear the air, but also help your little guy to keep it all in perspective (hard with a seven year old, I know!). And remember that states will be over soon, and then, yay, it will be time for uptraining!

Good luck to your little guy. It sounds like he is a very talented and motivated gymnast.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

Originally Posted by GymBoyzMom
Through all of this I sent the coach a txt explaining what was going on with my son, and how not only did he compete sick as a dog in 2 meets, but how his confidence is waning. I told him I understand why he is thrilled with this other boy's scores, but please tone it down in front of my kid.
You sent a TEXT telling the coach to "tone it down". WOW...good luck.

EDIT: Go and speak with the coach in person. Your concern is valid...but not your form of communication.




i agree ^^^but you never know anymore JBS, maybe texting was the right media cause it sounds like maybe this coach is getting his drivers license pretty soon...just sayin...