Parents Crying if I Don't Stay at Practice

[agympro]

My daughter is a 6 year old level 3. She has been on team for 9 months and is nearly done with her second competition season and doing great. She absolutely loves it. Her team practices 3 days a week, 3 hours at a time and she is very well adjusted to it. When she first started she wanted me to stay for the whole practice. Since it was new and she was 5 years old I did. After a few weeks I started to leave for about an hour in the beginning and run and errand or something then would come back for the remaining time. She was reluctant but knew I would be back soon so did not seem to be too upset. Over a couple weeks I worked up to leaving for 2 hours and then coming back for the last hour and have been doing that ever since and she has been fine. No tears but definitely lights up when she sees me come back.

All of a sudden about 2 weeks ago as I was about to leave as usual and was talking to someone and she ran out of warm ups and came crying to me saying she did not want me to leave. She seemed very anxious about it so I agreed to stay for that time. After practice I asked her if what was bothering her, was she scared of a skill, was someone being mean, was she not feeling well, etc and all I got was no. She has no problem going to school and has been "off track" (year round school) for 3 weeks so she hasn't even been at school for anything to have happened there. Literally there has been no change in any situation at home or unsettled situations in her life so I'm boggled. So we talked about how she can't do that every practice. Long story short, 2 weeks later it is still happening. I leave even if I see her crying during warm up stretching just so she doesn't think she can do that to make me stay, but have just been going for about an hour and going back. Once she ran OUT of the doors to the parking lot crying for me to stay. Of course, we talked about that being dangerous and never leaving the gym. After I leave I have called another parent that is there and the tell me she is still crying like 20 minutes later. She is fine by the time I get back though. I don't like to leave her crying and I am worried the coaches are going to grow tired of it but I also don't want to think crying will get me to stay all the time, nor do I really want to be there 9 hrs a week.

I'm just not sure why she has regressed after she was fine with me being gone for most of the time. Has this happened to anyone else's child? I thought maybe giving her a "buddy" to be stay by or getting a hug from one of the older girls she looks up to would help but she says no. She says she feels more comfortable when I am there and sometimes she "just needs s hug from mommy" during the breaks. In talking to her I know her emotional reactions during conversations well enough to sense that she is frustrated with herself because she doesn't want to be doing this and is not sure why its happening. So if she has developed some anxiety without me being there I don't want to make that worse by being tough about the situation and telling her to "suck it up" in not so many words, but I also don't want to enable this behavior. She's doing great in meets and has no anxiety in meets, is placing really well in all events and is very proud of her accomplishments so I don't think its meet related. Any advice? Should I just ask the coaches to be patient as we work through this? Thank you for reading this looooooong post.

 

[Galadriel]

Definitely tough for you! (hugs)
Dont know what the consensus will be. But - it happened to dds team mate - she had to have mom there every practice until she was 9.
Her mom worked night shifts and she knew she wouldn't see her until next day.
It was okay and coaches were supportive. I know this wouldn't work for every situation but in this case if mom wasnt there Suzy wouldn't have been at the gym.
Hope you get a resolution that works for you x

 

[Quadqueen]

How long has she been doing the 3-hour practices? It may be that she was excited about them at first but now it's all catching up to her...3 hours may be fine for some kids, but might be too long for yours. ?? It may be a sign you need to have her leave early one or two days a week.

 

[mommyof1]

If she has been out of school for 3 weeks and this has been happening for 2 weeks, could it be related to the disruption in her routine?

 

[cbifoja]

I can seriously empathize. My daughter has a really hard time separating. I am at every practice for all three and a half hours each day. It is exhausting. It helps that I work in the office. I also am BC prez so there is lots to do with that. The rest of the time I grade papers.

I know for my daughter, she has bowel issues and is terrified that she will have an accident and I won't be there to help her hide her accident and to help her clean up, get a new leo, etc. I hesitate even putting this out in the open just in case some people here go to my gym. It would embarrass her to death.

I am hoping that if she goes up to optionals next season, she will realize that I simply CAN'T spend that much time at her gym. I have a house and a dog and two cats. IN the summer there is grass to mow, gardens to weed, pools to clean. It does worry me because sometimes she really does NEED my help. It isn't just being whiny or immature or a crybaby (things she has been accused of by other parents).

Has something happened to make this happen? Is it bad enough that she would hide it from you? I only ask because my child is a "hider". I feel like I spend most of my life trying to get information out of her. *sigh* Did another parent speak crossly to her, making her afraid to come to the lobby "unprotected." Is she using you as a shield from harsh coaching? Are her teammates teasing her?

 

[nameless]

i'm a little hard core, but first off i would make clear that crying and running off during practice is just not acceptable for a 6 year old unless she is physically hurt or emotionally pounded on. i stay all 7 hours each week with my 5 1/2 yr old (2nd year L3), well except here and there to grab coffee or drop off a sibling. she gets pouty when i leave. once i left longer than usual and returned to find her crying in another parent's arms.. for no reason, just like you said! i cannot not guess why this happens and why it's only at practices. with dd i explained that this cannot happen if she's going to be on the team.. explained that she is there a very long time and if she expects that i can be there every minute then she'll just have to do rec.. i explained it nicely in a kid friendly way, made it her choice on what was best.. like not crying so you can have fun the entire time you're there- cuz if you are crying you are missing out on fun and you look a mess!.. asked her if she ever saw someone having fun while crying? no? well is gymnastics fun? yes? well how can you have fun and cry at the same time? and do you want to go to gymnastics once a week or more times? things like that.. and if all that talking and reasoning doesn't work i'd go with the old fashioned "if you don't cry for the entire week i'll buy you a (fill in the blank)."

dd hasn't cried since because i left, but she asks me not to leave like clockwork.. and if it's one of the days i have to leave i just let her know in advance and she "man's up".. it also helps if there's a big girl there that she feels like she can go to if she needs a hug, but those are hard to sneak in out on the floor.. good luck!!

 

[alsmom]

My DD is a 5 year old level 3 who practices 7.5 hours a week. She also does this from time to time. I think that developmentally it is appropriate. It makes me crazy, and I often have to remind myself that she is 5 and in a program with girls who are at least 2 years older than her. I always let her know that we are at the gym to practice, and if she is not going to settle down and practice we are going to go home. She never want to leave, so she is usually able to settle down and get back into class. Her coach is also great with her, which helps a ton.

I am sure it is a phase and will pass.


Trying to figure out this gymnastics thing!

 

[LoriLou]

If it was me, I think I would stay until she seems comfortable again. The coaches may be supportive at first, but after a while I'm sure a child crying for that amount of time can be a little draining. I know it sucks to have to sit there for that long, but she may just need a little of that for now. And I agree, as well, that it should pass.

 

[Krystan]

I also would stay, if at all possible, until it is worked out. Or try saying you will be back in 5 minutes, then when she's good with that, do 10 minutes, etc on up. Or would it be better if you left once practice was already under way instead of right at the beginning (be honest and say, "I'm going to leave when you go to bar so I can get some shopping done, but I'll be back in 30 minutes," and then really come back in 30)? I am assuming this is not attention-getting behavior and she is *really* upset. Try not to seem too stressed about it, otherwise she'll get the feeling that *you* think she can't do it. As someone who has dealt with pretty severe anxiety with my dd, I feel like something else must be going on. Ask the coach - is there a new skill giving her trouble? Is she having fears? Is there an issue getting along with some of the other girls? It seems likely that something is going on she doesn't want to tell you about and she does not know how else to deal with it. Be gentle as you question her, firm as you tell her what will happen, and act like you're not really troubled, angry, or anything else. Honestly, it just amps up the anxiety level.

6 is young, but I can't imagine a coach dealing with the daily crying for very long. Even if you can't figure out exactly what's going on, I'd stay and trust that she'll be okay with your leaving when she's ready. Otherwise (or if you can't stay), I'd get some help for the anxiety. Just because she has no anxiety at meets doesn't mean it can't appear elsewhere. I know my dd has no problem at meets - she is performing skills she has down solid in routines she knows very well. It's new skills, uncertain situations, and embarrassment that will trigger issues for her.

I hope it works itself out soon! Good luck and hang in there.

 

[agympro]

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to read and reply. As I read replies I am feeling relieved that no one thinks I am "babying" her if I stay because that is what my mommy instinct tells me to do. I guess I've tried the "I'm not staying because your crying" thing to try to change behavior long enough and its not working so I need a different approach. I like the idea of just leaving for a few minutes, like "I have to make a phone call but I'll be right outside and back in a few minutes" or something like that and then very slowly work up.

BellasMom- Yes, she is definitely a "hider" and I have had to get things out of her before. But from the beginning I can tell that she is not telling me the truth and it just takes a while for me to gently, but eventually, get it out of her. In this case, the only thing I can tell is that she truly having anxiety when I leave and she is frustrated about it herself. I think she would actually like to give me a reason and just doesn't know.

I'm willing to do whatever I need to do to support her. At 6 I'm willing to be patient with her since she can't necessarily tell me what is bothering her even if there was something specific that was wrong. Sometimes they just don't know.

I'm so glad I found this forum! Seems like a great, supportive place to come with questions and concerns.

 

[LoriLou]

As I read replies I am feeling relieved that no one thinks I am "babying" her if I stay because that is what my mommy instinct tells me to do.

At age 9 that would be maybe considered "babying", but at 6.....there is almost no such thing. She's still practically a baby.

 

[gymdog]

First I would make sure the routine is predictable to her. She obviously has anxiety over this issue and an unpredictable routine is too much for her to deal with. So I would explain exactly when you will stay and when you will leave (I will stay until you are done with your pullups and then go get groceries down the street. My cell phone is on and the coaches will call me if you need me for emergencies. I will come back when you are working on trampoline).

Then work with the coaches to determine a predictable routine to address the crying. When she starts crying, without excessive fanfare, she should go to a "safe spot" and calm down until she can rejoin class. Not a time out, just determine with her and the coaches where she can rest until she is ready.

 

[GymBeeMom]

My ds just turned 7 and he is turning the corner of not caring whether I stay or go. When he was just turning 6 he always wanted me there, over many months I could leave for longer periods of time, and now he likes me to stay for one practice each week to see what he is working on. It took time and I was willing to stay. My dd never went through these phases, but my ds is much more sensitive and needs more security from his environment than my dd does. The practices were long and hard for me to stay through, but I did it for him. I have been accused of babying my ds, but he is my baby and I know he won't need me for these things forever, so I am okay with a little babying now and then

 

[KimmeeA13]

My DD is almost 9 and she still has days where she doesn't want me to go. She's always had trouble separating and sometimes I think it all catches up with her: being gone at school all day, then coming home only to go back out the door for gymnastics practice. I'm very clear about the days when I need to run some errands but if she's upset then I will stay if at all possible. If that's babying her, then so be it. She is also adopted and some of the separation anxiety is related to that, I believe. It sounds like something has triggered this for your daughter, and it could be something as minor (to us) as a dream. I've always figured that if my daughter was upset about me leaving she wouldn't be getting the full benefit of the practice. She watches for my face in the observation window to know that I've come back after running errands, and she waves to let me know she sees me. If that makes her feel more secure, then I'm all for it.

 

[Krystan]

Good for you for listening to your momma instincts! People are quick to judge what they don't understand. You are only "babying" someone when you are doing something they can clearly do for themselves. If you told her you were going to "stay so she didn't have to worry about anything" even if she had no problem with you going, that would be babying. If you sensed (knowing your child) that she was being manipulative, that would be different. But even assuming that can be a slippery slope. If your children need to manipulate you to get more attention and security, then maybe... they need more attention and security and don't know how else to get it. These serious, anxiety-prone kids are generally the last ones to "fake" being upset. They already feel things so deeply and have trouble unloading it. YOU know your child best. Don't worry about what others say and carry on doing what YOU think is best for her.

 

[sleeping judy]

My dd also cried when she was younger and would beg me to stay. If I could I would. If I couldn't I would explain to her that I couldn't and when I would be back. I do try to sit through one practice a week. Our gym has big sisters and it is really great. Dd adores hers and they support each other by going to their mets and getting each other little gifts. Dd practically runs out of he car now to see her big sis.

My dd is 9 and still occasionally has days where she wants me to stay or she doesn't want to go, but they are much fewer and further between. She had her first of the season Monday. She went in and started running with the girls. After two laps she came out almost in tears and said she wasn't feeling it. I said don't cry, you can be tired, but you don't need to cry about it. We got backin the car, went home and watched a movie. She went back Wednesday with no problems. She was just having an off day and I was following her lead.

 

[Faith]

This is where I'm glad our gym don't allow parents to watch! They don't know if you're there or not

I had this with my youngest and dance class. I found if I had to leave (usually to take DD1 somewhere), it helped if I nominated another parent- X's mom is staying and she'll watch you for me until I get back.

DD2 was much younger at the time (3.5), and I have to say in the end we stopped dance. She started saying she didn't want to go as soon as we got up, crying going in. She loved it, and was happy once she got in there, but I think she felt she was missing out being *left* in dance class while DD1 and I went somewhere.

If you can stay, and are happy to, then I don't see why you shouldn't. More than likely she'll grow out of it soon enough. I know older DD used to like me staying for her other sport, but now she constantly tells (aged 8) me I can leave and she can get herself changed/be fine by herself. It came with making friends to hang with at break, knowing her way round the facility better, and being more confident in knowing what to do in a problem- she has phone numbers and knows to go to reception and ask them to call, usual emergency advice. Give it a few weeks and she might not mind you leaving occasionally..

I don't care if people think I am "babying". I had all those lectures when DD's were babies- picking them up if they cried was making a rod for my own back, I should leave them to cry it out, carrying them round with me was wrong, letting them co-sleep was wrong, I'd have trouble breaking the habits. Well guess what? It doesn't last forever, they no longer need constant cuddles, they sleep well in their own beds, and they're now well adjusted, independent children. So . They're children, and need security.

 

[Krystan]

I don't care if people think I am "babying". I had all those lectures when DD's were babies- picking them up if they cried was making a rod for my own back, I should leave them to cry it out, carrying them round with me was wrong, letting them co-sleep was wrong, I'd have trouble breaking the habits. Well guess what? It doesn't last forever, they no longer need constant cuddles, they sleep well in their own beds, and they're now well adjusted, independent children. So . They're children, and need security.

Totally agree! Independence children grab for themselves when they're ready is so much more empowering than "independence" that is thrust upon them when they're not ready.

 

[GymBee97]

she is only 6yo. If the 3 hours is fairly new hours then she needs time to adjust to those hours. I also didn't sit where they could always see me. We had a loft with tables. So they knew I was there but just couldn't see me. I would bring bills to pay, crafts I was working on and so on. I would show my kids where I was sitting before they went down and let them know I needed to work on this stuff but I would look over as much as I could and still get things done. I didn't want them to feel like I didn't want to watch so I let them know tonight that this was my job to try and get this done and doing their practice was their job. both kids were ok with that and when I did watch I made sure they saw me every now and then. then when they came up for snack I was always there. By a few months both kids were just fine with it and I could go out for an hour or so and they never even knew I was gone because they really never saw me until snack time so I made sure I was back for that time.

any change in schedule will make them unsure so things like not being at school, grandma visiting and staying over, special events that take a day or more (mini vacations) will all create some unsure feelings.

Heck My DD is 15 and she still need those mom and me moments of hugs and cuddling in on the couch (even if she says she doesn't and there are practices she askes me to stay for to "see her do her stuff".

 

[shelovestoflip]

My thought is maybe 9 hours is too long for your 6 year old (K or 1st, right?)
She's done a full day at school (I know you said they had a break right now, but generally, a full day) and then 3 hours of practice pretty soon after school. That's close to a 10 hour day for a very young child.

I'm a teacher and I see kids who are tired at school because they have too much going on at home after school. (yes, I have a few team/preteam girls in my class).

I know you want her to do team and love it and I'm guessing she does. But perhaps, really, it's just too much time for her. Not every kid can handle the go go go type of situation.

I don't think you are babying her by staying but maybe it's her way of telling you she's not ready to be away for so long.

Just a thought.