Parents Didn't make State, how to handle

[LuckyMommy]

Hi,

Here's our situation: DD1 is toward the older end of her L4 group. Has been slow to progress. Did okay in L3 last year and won a first place on an event at L3 state. Barely made it into L4 this year, but improved tremendously this season. Had our last meet and she missed State by 0.2 (we require 34.50). She is the only one on the team who didn't make it, and is embarassed and devastated. Having a hard time sleeping. We are talking positive, and she separately told me she is "not ready yet" to stop doing gymnastics or to move to Xcel. She's going to have a long road to L5 and wants to keep working for that goal. Gym is definitely interfering with her ability to have time to read for school, but so far her school performance is good. The only trick is that DD1 has very low self esteem already and tends to hide her feelings. This is a very hard sport for her, yet she stays at it. This is her only activity as she doesn't have time for anything else. There are no girls from her gym at her school (except DD2), which is nice, so those are two separate worlds.

Now for DD2, who is much younger but is on our gym's L3 team. DD2 just made State. We are supporting DD2 and being happy for her.

The next 2 weeks will be very hard for DD1 as practice time will be all about STATE. Any words of wisdom on how to help our girl are welcomed. I never did any sport as a child so don't know how this feels. We don't care if she stays in gymnastics or not, so it's not about pushing her, just her emotional well-being. Figure we'll let her stay on Team till she hits her own wall of skill level versus effort (probably pretty soon, not sure if she'll get to L5 or repeat L4). Excel would be a great alternative, so hoping she'll go that way at some point.

Thanks,
LuckyMommy

 

[wallinbl]

I never did any sport as a child so don't know how this feels.

It feels awful to not make the playoffs or get cut. It's hard to describe because it is a mix of painful emotions - not feeling good enough, being embarrassed, second guessing your prior actions, disappointment, etc.

There are several famous related quotes that won't be much consolation, but contain good insight into she should view it.

"It's not how many times you get knocked down that count, but how many times you get back up" - General Custer

"It's not whether you get knocked down; it's whether you get back up" - Vince Lombardi

"It ain't about how hard you can hit. It's about how hard you can GET hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep - moving - forward" - Rocky Balboa

But, those are practical responses. Right now, give her a hug, because the emotions are really hard.

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

Wow! HUGS to you and your family! You are in a tough spot. I don't have any real advice...just like any parent, you are going to be loving and supportive as your heart breaks right along with hers. But do keep this in mind..as long as her self identity is defined by her more than gymnastics, she will be fine. She will hurt for a while (depending on her age, maybe a long time), but ultimately she will come through. If she knows she is loved unconditionally by her parents and others, she will have a deep pool to in which to find strength.

If it were Kipper, I would schedule a painting class for the two of us, or something else she hasn't had time to do. The activity would remind her she has other loves and interests, it would separate my love for her from my enthusiasm for her participation in gymnastics, and it would validate that she is important enough to have my undivided attention.

If anyone's child came with a manual, please share!

 

[MaryA]

Ugh. Yes, maybe a special trip or something the weekend of States? Something fun that she wouldn't get to do otherwise? In most states, a 34 would have gotten her there. I realize that's not much consolation, but knowing that her state has one of the highest state requirements (based on a recent thread on this topic) is something, at least.

 

[Quadqueen]

This is a hard one. I agree with Mary about telling her how high of a requirement that is...and am I understanding that she skipped old level 4? If so, that's a big accomplishment in and of itself.

 

[happychaos]

It's gonna be okay. First, even if she had made states, I am assuming she would have finished very near the bottom. That seems like it would be very hard as well. Perhaps deciding now to repeat L4 would take some pressure off. If she's scoring above 34, which you said she is, than she HAS all the L4 skills, she just needs to strengthen and polish them a bit more. Then she can work to learn the L5 skills for "fun" with no pressure to get them by next season.

For the next two weeks, would her coaches be on board with having her do some uptraining while all her teammates are running endless routines? If she's the only one "allowed" to train back tucks or cast to handstands, maybe that would take some of the sting out.

 

[GymMomXcel]

That's a really tough situation. Especially given that her sister will have States. I agree with the other posters about doing something fun that she hasn't did in a while. Maybe a fun day with just the two of you. Then when younger DD's State meet comes up..Have her invest some loving sister energy into something to get her mind off herself. I would definitely remind her that the requirement was high and if she feels like she didn't do good enough.... Show her videos from the first meets of the Season to now and let her see just how much she progressed and remind her to just keep on going and work hard. Then... Try to let it go and not mention it unless she brings it up. Read her cues, though... She may need to talk to you. A real tough thing. Something to learn to get through as a family.

 

[LizzieLac]

So sorry - that really does stink. Just keep reinforcing what she did well, where she has improved, etc. Have her do something completey different, for a special occasion. But also encourage her to make goals and look to the future. The worst thing would be for her to think she has failed in some way. All this experience does is teach us that we have to work hard and that we should appreciate even small accomplishments.

She will get through this and will be a better person as a result!

 

[skschlag]

We had a boy on our team last year that was the only one that didn't make regionals. Pretty tough as it was the first time in 10 years a kid didn't make regionals (ended up with 2 total, but it was tough on them!)

First, our coach did not overly focus on Regionals. Each practice was pretty much as it was before. YOu did your routines, checked them off, worked on something that needed fixing on moved on to the next skill. It was never hounded into the boys taht regionals are coming, etc . This enabled everyone to still feel welcome, and didn't put extra pressure on the ones that did make it!

Now, in the older group it might have been discussed abit more, but they are older, they get it. But I still think the key is in how the coach handles practice in general. Honestly, not much should change just because states are coming.

 

[Flossyduck]

Ah, big hugs to you. As a loving mummy you are probably even hurting more than she is.

My daughter's first competition there were four girls from her team/club. Three of them got the three medals and she was the one who didn't. I knew by her body language that she thought she had done well when they marched out and it broke my heart to watch her sit there through the presentation and clap for each of her team mates and have to stay smiling whilst they collected their medals. And of course each team had a slight gap between them, so once the other three girls had stood up she was very much on her own. Only the first three places are awarded. She managed to keep smiling until we left the building and then the tears came. She was conflicted between wanting to be happy for her team mates but desperately disappointed. In some ways yours dd will go through similar with her sister.

That happened again a few weeks later. Same outcome. She was ok that time, shrugged it off.

It's so tough, but it will pass. You sound like a sensitive mum and I'm sure you'll get through.

 

[LIGYMMOM]

When dd was 7 she tried out for team and didn't make it. It was the first time the gym had done tryouts rather than just picking from the classes. The rest of her friends from her group made it. When she found out she just cried and all I could do was hug her and tell her I'm sorry. I get sad just thinking about how crushed she was! We ended up switching gyms where they put her on the team and she has even better friends.
I think, though, that they do gain a certain amount of strength from these kinds of disappointments just from having to pick themselves up and try even harder.
Sorry about States, that does seem like a crazy high qualifying score!

 

[dynamicduo]

Both of my DDs didn't make it to State last year and they were the only ones who didn't qualify in the whole gym! It was a bummer and they cried about it but only for a day. They both had a weird season (old 5) where one got a mental block on the squat on & the others scores went down instead of up for the whole season! There was a 2 week period between the last meet & states & the coach kept practice pretty much "normal". They would just keep working routines but would't get a lot of feedback because they really didn't need to work on just routines.

A few times, the coach had them working on level 6 skills just to keep it different for them so they didn't feel so left out. Also, during that 2 week period, they got grips and got to break them in before everyone else. So they were really excited about that!

Their whole team ended up repeating (now the new 4) because no one had the new 5 skills & my girls are beating everyone else on the team that beat them last year! I think by not making it last year really helped them push and work hard to make it this year! And, they did, 1st meet of the season they both got over 35AA and our qualification score is 34.5 also! So, just tell her she'll come back stronger next year!!

 

[shelovestoflip]

Hi,

Here's our situation: DD1 is toward the older end of her L4 group. Has been slow to progress. Did okay in L3 last year and won a first place on an event at L3 state. Barely made it into L4 this year, but improved tremendously this season. Had our last meet and she missed State by 0.2 (we require 34.50). She is the only one on the team who didn't make it, and is embarassed and devastated. Having a hard time sleeping. We are talking positive, and she separately told me she is "not ready yet" to stop doing gymnastics or to move to Xcel. She's going to have a long road to L5 and wants to keep working for that goal. Gym is definitely interfering with her ability to have time to read for school, but so far her school performance is good. The only trick is that DD1 has very low self esteem already and tends to hide her feelings. This is a very hard sport for her, yet she stays at it. This is her only activity as she doesn't have time for anything else. There are no girls from her gym at her school (except DD2), which is nice, so those are two separate worlds.

Now for DD2, who is much younger but is on our gym's L3 team. DD2 just made State. We are supporting DD2 and being happy for her.

The next 2 weeks will be very hard for DD1 as practice time will be all about STATE. Any words of wisdom on how to help our girl are welcomed. I never did any sport as a child so don't know how this feels. We don't care if she stays in gymnastics or not, so it's not about pushing her, just her emotional well-being. Figure we'll let her stay on Team till she hits her own wall of skill level versus effort (probably pretty soon, not sure if she'll get to L5 or repeat L4). Excel would be a great alternative, so hoping she'll go that way at some point.

Thanks,
LuckyMommy

Does your gym have any other meets before States that she could qualify at? .2 does seem so close!

Our State tends to schedule a 'last chance' meet if you didn't qualify for states. A few years ago there was one girl on her team who didn't qualify at the last meet but then they went to one other meet and she qualified.

You might ask the coach about it.

Good luck!

 

[vagymmomma]

Lots of great words of wisdom already. L4 (which I assume is old L5) is a tricky level -- especially for a child who doesn't have a solid kip. Only thing I can tell you is that I know of a number of girls who didn't qualify for states at that level, stuck with it, and qualified for states the next year and levels beyond. It's a high state qualification level for that level, so she really should feel proud.

This may be a big stretch, but I'll throw it out there. Have her coaches asked whether they can petition to get her in to states? I know of examples at meets where girls were really close to qualifying for states or regionals and the coaches asked for their all around score to be increased. It was usually a score within .1 for AA and there usually was some discrepancy in the judging (say one judge gave a gymnast a 8.6 and another 8.1 - the difference was in range but higher number would have qualified). It may be too late because I've only seen it done before meet scores were finalized, but I thought I would throw it out there.

Good luck! More than anything she has to want to stick with it.

 

[bookworm]

This may be a big stretch, but I'll throw it out there. Have her coaches asked whether they can petition to get her in to states? I know of examples at meets where girls were really close to qualifying for states or regionals and the coaches asked for their all around score to be increased. .

That has to be done AT the meet, not after ...and generally the judges of the last event will kind of know what a kid needs to qualify. I'm surprised her coach didn't file an inquiry over one of her scores..even if he/she got denied, you'd be in the same boat

 

[gymmomof1]

Hugs to you both. That really is hard to take but her determination and sportsmanship is just as valuable so let her know that she still shines. Doc Ali is also a good resourse that we have used in the past and you can find information here at the Cb and online if you Google her.
Also how she does one year doesn't mean she wont have a better year next year as hard as it may be right now. Saying a prayer for you too- hang in there and congrats to your other dd making States.

 

[Azgymmiemom]

If she loves gymnastics, don't let her quit over this. Hard work and determination WILL show in time. I think the kids that don't win easily at first turn into the hardest workers. They are driven by their passion! My dd missed her (old) level 4 state qualifying score by .075!! (Coaches cut off, not the state cut off) and he still wouldn't let her go. She was heartbroken. But, she just kept working. Now she's getting ready to compete L8, and started her L7 season last year with over 36aa at her very first optional meet. The parents of our current L3 team (who are just learning about judges and scoring...some the hard way) want to compare my dd to theirs and say..."she does so well...she is a natural" and they are amazed when I tell them she didn't qualify for states at that same level their kids are in now.

We went to that state meet (the one she didn't qualify for) to cheer on her teammates that did. My dd's choice. I don't know if your dd would want to go or if she'd rather avoid it. Just follow her lead.

 

[seoulmama]

ugh-hugs to you both, that is so rough. I agree with other posters about finding something really special to do together-maybe a mani/pedi day since she can put polish on now? All you can do is offer your support and let her know that you think she's amazing. Hopefully, time will help heal this hurt.

 

[2G1B]

I agree about checking to see if there is one more meet that she could do. We had one girl on one of my DD's teams that didn't have the scores for states so she did a meet this past weekend so that she could have one more chance. She made the score and then some. She has to have 2 qualifying scores, so the hope is that she will get the other one at our meet this upcoming weekend. If she does, then she will be able to go to state. I really was impressed with our gym that they did that for her.

 

[gymdog]

I would really encourage her to try Xcel. She may really love it and find it to be such a better fit. The unknown of different teammates is hard, but it will really help cater to her strengths and hopefully boost her self esteem. Does she know anyone on the Xcel team? Could you spend some time with them? Can she just try a practice - tell her you aren't making any decisions, but you want her to just try one practice?