WAG Hey, I need some advice.

[happychaos]

There is a coach like this at my DD's gym. It is super frustrating. She is just not excited to coach my DD, and will often turn away, or even roll her eyes at my DD. I don't really understand it, since every other coach and teacher she has ever had has absolutely loved her. She is a really sweet kid, pretty quiet, and I'm always told she works hard and takes corrections well.

I have chosen to ignore it, as I feel that addressing it will make things worse. This coach doesn't like my DD, and nothing DD does will change that. I try to use it as a teaching moment, and tell her it's good practice for when she is an adult and has to get along with all sorts in the workplace.

But really, it's too bad that this kind of stuff happens. Professional adults who work with children for a living should hold themselves to a higher standard.

 

[mommyof1]

If it is a pattern then that's a different story. But in this situation--one coach mainly ignoring your daughter rather than openly berating her--I agree with those who have said that if your daughter is not actually being harmed and she will no longer have this coach once the season is over, best just to let it slide and move on.

 

[Amusibus]

We have dealt with situations like this in the past. My daughter has adhd, so multi-step instructions are a major problem. Previous coaches have not understood about adhd, and seemed to be getting frustrated and angry with her for not listening. As if it were a discipline issue, which of course, it is not. A gym change and medication tweak later, now she's doing well. We have been lucky to have coaches who understand about adhd and are patient enough to work with her needs.

 

[Anna's_Mom]

One of DD coaches isn't very thrilled to work with her either. I think it is horridly unprofessional to act in such a way that the girls notice they aren't the favorite, but it is also going to happen in other parts of their lives, so I guess it is one of those things to let slide. Probably better to have a coach walk away (assuming no safety issue) than say something nasty. I try to help DD let it go and concentrate on other parts of the workout, but it is hard to see her hurt at the behavior of that coach. She recently had to write an essay about something she believed and she chose the topic "Coaches shouldn't have favorites". I was tempted to show it to the HC but, since the same 3 coaches will be with her until she ages off the team to do high school team, I'm holding my tongue.

 

[B.Gold]

^^ this makes me crazy. Good for you for holding your tongue, that shows a lot of self control. But I would ask that any teacher or coach that doesn't have the self control to curb the impulses to single out a child and blatantly express "...not being thrilled to work with her" needs to not work with children. We all have the ability to feel one way, but act another and any teacher or coach who can't step it up and behave professionally towards a child needs to reevaluate.

I'm not sure what can we can do as parents except asked ourselves what our tolerance is for our child. I appreciate the "my child needs to learn how to deal with these kinds of people because they are everywhere" perspective, but personally, assuming my child is not a behavior case, my tolerance would be low. Im not paying what's equivalent to a car payment for someone not to give the same quality coaching to my child that other children are receiving.

 

[Anna's_Mom]

^^ this makes me crazy. Good for you for holding your tongue, that shows a lot of self control. But I would ask that any teacher or coach that doesn't have the self control to curb the impulses to single out a child and blatantly express "...not being thrilled to work with her" needs to not work with children. We all have the ability to feel one way, but act another and any teacher or coach who can't step it up and behave professionally towards a child needs to reevaluate.

I'm not sure what can we can do as parents except asked ourselves what our tolerance is for our child. I appreciate the "my child needs to learn how to deal with these kinds of people because they are everywhere" perspective, but personally, assuming my child is not a behavior case, my tolerance would be low. Im not paying what's equivalent to a car payment for someone not to give the same quality coaching to my child that other children are receiving.

I agree that it shouldn't happen. In this particular case there are a couple of factors that figure into my "let it go" response. The first is that my DD will be 12 next week -- if she were younger I would have much less patience for this. But she is now old enough to realize she isn't going to like all of her teachers and she isn't always going to be the teacher's favorite. She's been the star child perhaps too often and sort of expects every teacher/coach/adult to love her. The coach in question was the Chinese national champion in her day. Which means there are some really huge cultural differences that need to be understood and it is a good teaching moment. Plus it means the GO would never in a million years not have her coach the girls. So, overall, not rocking the boat seems to be the best course. But that doesn't mean I think it is always the best option!

 

[berrisweetness]

I didn't see that in thel original post either. You may want toile it a habit of talking to your DD after practice and ask questions. It may or may not be starting up again. A suggestion for next time to try; tell dd to wait until the coach steps back up before she attempts to complete the skill. Tell her to wait for the coach each time. You may be able to see if the behavior is starting again. Some people don't want to believe that a coach could behave in that manner but believe me from personal experience it does happen. Not saying this is the case, just want you to be observant.

 

[Judybird]

^^ , assuming my child is not a behavior case, my tolerance would be low. Im not paying what's equivalent to a car payment for someone not to give the same quality coaching to my child that other children are receiving.

The quote above reflects a feeling that I have had a few times and has def brought on CGM feelings/emotions. Once I made the mistake about talking to the HC's and expressing that I felt my child wasn't being challenged as much as a handful of other girls in her level 3. All that it succeeded in doing was making them think I was a CGM. The only real solution I see to favoritism is to quit or leave. Either of these 2 options would upset my DD. Therefore, we as parents seem to have no other choice than to accept. I've been counseled and coached on the art of acceptance by being told to detach. Right or wrong, I don't know what else to do.

 

[COz]

The coach in question was the Chinese national champion in her day. Which means there are some really huge cultural differences that need to be understood and it is a good teaching moment.

Ah. OK. This changes the picture enormously.
Yes, there are huge cultural differences.
It is actually highly likely that the coach thinks your kid is doing just fine and is happy with her progress and that is why they are walking off.
I wish they'd give chinese coaches a little handbook with tips on things like. Give the child a little smile and a "that's looking better" comment before you walk off. There are a whole bunch of little social niceties that unless they've been not only in the country for a long time, but having to spend time with and deal with non-chinese parents out of a gym context that they seem particularly bad with.

There are these little things that we expect and they just don't do them. I've found chinese coaches to be a lot less likely to have obvious favorites and to generally be very professional and fair and good at managing different levels. Parents of kids in the same group however have at times felt their kid was being ignored and refused to believe that it wasn't happening. People used to a warmer coaching style generally have trouble with the far less emotive chinese coaches

 

[B.Gold]

The quote above reflects a feeling that I have had a few times and has def brought on CGM feelings/emotions. Once I made the mistake about talking to the HC's and expressing that I felt my child wasn't being challenged as much as a handful of other girls in her level 3. All that it succeeded in doing was making them think I was a CGM. The only real solution I see to favoritism is to quit or leave. Either of these 2 options would upset my DD. Therefore, we as parents seem to have no other choice than to accept. I've been counseled and coached on the art of acceptance by being told to detach. Right or wrong, I don't know what else to do.

Yup, it's very interesting that, when it comes to gymnastics, the usual rules of being a consumer don't really apply, do they? This occurs to me a lot. My DDs joy of gymnastics is tied directly to her gym, her coaches and her friends. And my DD's joy is my biggest motivator. I have accepted that maybe it's a good thing that it's not so easy to walk out on a gym, because I'm fickle enough I would probably have switched her at least 3 times by now if my DD would have allowed. Sometimes she is smarter than me...

But favoritism is, and always will be, a hot button issue for me... And not because of jealousy, like someone suggested in an earlier post, but simply because of righteousness. And it's a shame you were made to feel like you were doing something wrong by asking your DD's coach for help with this issue.