Parents Jealous parents....advice please?

[Uglybetty]

Warning: rant imminent!

In the few weeks since my DD was selected for the novice squad at an elite gym, a mum from school has started acting really strange and I'm at the end of my tether with it all. It's worrying me to the point I'm losing sleep. To make it clear, this is not a fellow gym mum. Her DD is close friends to my DD and showed no interest in doing gymnastics when my DD was doing rec classes for over a year, until we moved her to this new elite gym (which has an excellent reputation). Around the time the gym started to hint that my DD would be moved into the novice squad this mother started to drop huge hints about how her DD really wanted to do gymnastics but they had no way of getting her there ( because she doesn't drive). After weeks and weeks of avoiding the issue, I eventually gently explained that I couldn't help because even if her DD came to the same gym, the rec sessions she'd be doing would be 2 hours shorter than my DD's and since I plan on using the time to go to the gym for a workout it wouldn't really work out. Since then she has (a) started to act really strange...very icy conversations...all the friendly banter has stopped (b) blocked me on Facebook (c) has started to undermine my DD's confidence....when she plays with her DD after school they invariably practice cartwheels etc and my DD tells me she'll praise her own DD's technique (all learned from youtube) and criticise my DD's technique.

I expected to encounter competitive mums at the gym but this has taken me totally by surprise. Especially since its someone I previously regarded as a good friend. Has anyone else encountered this kind of jealousy? It's really taken the shine off DD's achievement getting into squad if I'm honest.

 

[Deleted member 15064]

Sorry to hear this is happening. Sounds like a friend you don't need. But what to do about the girl's friendship? I dunno.
If they still get along, it may be worth keeping that going.

Sounds like you need adult friends that you can share your excitement & pride in your children's accomplishments with - and they will be confident enough to receive the news graciously.

 

[txgymfan]

I would say that the girls can play at your house but avoid having your dd play at her house. No one needs to undermine your child.

 

[cbifoja]

NO way my kid would be left under her supervision. That's emotional abuse and you should not tolerate it. Friends come and go especially at that age but low self esteem can last forever.

 

[kitkat]

I have sadly experienced one parent from our old club. My daughter was moving into level 6 for her last competition of the year. She had competed level 5 for the first two. Actually her and one of her friends in a group of 7 girls moved up.
One of the parents of the gymnast that was not moving up had the nerve to ask the head coach to keep my daughter and the other girl in level 5 until the other 5 girls hit level 6. And then she had the nerve to tell me to my face.
I have to say I was absolutely dumbfounded and I am not normally a person who is lost for words.
My daughter and that little girl are still very good friends (we are now in a different gym - and not because of this incident) but me and the mom no longer speak.
I do allow my daughter to hang out with that girl either at our house or their house.
But my daughter is not allowed to talk about gym while she is with her. The girls are at completely different levels now but I would rather her not speak about it.
I was also at another friends house last week - and I found out that a girl that recently left our new gym. Her father would sit at a gym meet and while other girls are on the apparatus he would say "fall fall fall". Seriously what are wrong with these people. Lets just say I am glad they moved from our gym. Who needs people like that surrounding you.
Good luck with your decision

 

[Kiwi]

If it was my DD, I don't think I would let her be around this other mum, I wouldn't want someone undermining her confidence.

It makes me wonder if this person has done this to anyone else - like, she doesn't drive so can't get her daughter to any activities, so maybe feels guilty underneath it all and tries to lay that on other people...

 

[GymmieC]

I may be completely off base, but maybe your friend may have been soured by your inability to help her out with getting her DD to the gym. She might just want to involve her DD in the sport That has brought success to your DD; as a means to keep the girls connected. I know you said you have your time planned out while your DD is at practice to do what you need to do, but maybe she was turned off because you wouldn't/couldn't help her and she thought as friends you might. I hate leaving unresolved issues out there ever, so I always try to talk things out with the person or people involved. Sometimes my desire to hash out an incidence may result in it expanding, but many times it lets the air out and both sides feel heard. Have you asked her Why things are as different as you say they are? She may Not be jealous but more hurt.
AGAIN I COULD BE WAY OFF! And if so I apologize.

 

[GymmieC]

I just wanted to add that her being spiteful towards your DD needs to be addressed. No matter how she feels towards you, your DD should not be the tree that catches all her arrows. Your DD is a child. She should understand that and simply stop. If she doesn't then as a mom you know what you have to do. But keep in mind your DD more then likely has to see her DD at school. Just because you and the mom can't be friends doesn't mean your DDs can't be.

 

[emorymom]

Why can't they both ride out to the gym with you and just do her homework etc. Not asking you to do anything different other than get them to the gym's neighborhood? Would that be an option?

 

[Uglybetty]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I know in my heart of hearts that the underlying issue is my saying I cannot take her DD to gym - even though she never directly asked me to....just hinted. At 9 they're still too young to be left alone unsupervised and I had felt pressurised into making such a big commitment (amounting to 12 hours a week inc driving time). I've never had a babysitter before and was really looking forward to hitting the gym for the first time in 9 years (and maybe looking a bit better in my LBD by Xmas). My DD aims to go for the elite path (which would drastically increase the hours) and I was worried that their paths would diverge and then I'd feel obliged to keep taking her (because her mum doesn't drive).
Her DD told my DD yesterday that she has signed up for rec classes elsewhere - which is good news I hope. I'm going to give it a week or two to see how things develop. If the behaviour continues I will raise it with her gently, not least because I am not prepared to let her undermine my DD's confidence.

 

[Iwannabemargo]

Don't stress, it will all come out in the wash as my mum used to say.

I have learned to be smilingly blunt when others hint about me helping them out. I ended up being co-opted onto the playgroup committee by being too polite to say no.

If you are not comfortable confronting the other mother then as has been said stop your daughter playing there. Also sit your daughter down and give her the other people may be jealous speech. I had to do it to Pink and Fluffy. I have always explained to my children that what people say is slanted by how they feel - it may not be the truth, but just an uninformed opinion. I would say, is "Mrs X a coach ? No then she is not qualified to asses your technique and is probably mistaken, don't worry about it honey."

The further up she goes the more she will have to deal with people on downers and its a good idea to equip her now with the skills to brush the negative comments aside. Also if you get upset she will pick up on it.

 

[Bajanswife]

I couldn't commit to taking another child to gym unless I knew they would be picked up after their own class. Our gym does not allow kids whose classes are finished (especially rec kids - team kids may be given a pass) to hang around the facility and do homework etc. I guess the way around that would be for you, OP, to supervise her like she was your kid, and I completely understand why you wouldn't want to be committed to that. Especially if this is a unique opportunity for you to get things done, get exercise etc. So don't feel bad about that - you are perfectly justified in your decision. You can't control how she feels about it, you can only control your reaction to her bad reaction. If she isn't treating your DD well then you have to react to that by not giving her access to your DD.

It's sad though when a relationship you thought of as a good friendship turns sour over something that wasn't wrong on your part.

 

[emorymom]

I was thinking she could take both mother and daughter. .. but I am glad ton hear they sorted something else out.

 

[iwannacoach]

Geez.... Imagine what would have happened if you offered to drive her to gym and decided to switch your dd to a gym that was a better fit for your dd, but not the other woman's child.

Aside from the possibility she didn't know she should have asked directly to allow you a chance to explain, and she's now hurt because, in her mind, you dismissed her in a moment of need....... You're doing it right, but there's one more thing you could consider with respect to your childs friendship with this woman's daughter. I'm going to suggest something that really depends on your judgement of your child's ability to absorb information...... I think she should know what's behind the changes in how she gets together with her friend.

She has possibly, or likely, sensed the tension in the relationship between you and your friend..... and may wonder what's going on and why you haven't included her in the information loop. My worry is she could ponder what role she's played in this drama, and absent your disclosure may begin to feel some of this has to be her fault, even more so because parent shield their kids and often don't let them know if they've innocently caused a problem..... so either you tell her or risk her assigning blame to herself or an equal possibility.... to you.

I'm not saying I know this will happen, but when you leave kids alone in the middle of a mess they often use the components of the mess to put together something satisfies a need. Whether that takes place in a corner of her bedroom using leftover playthings and bedding to craft an island fortress, or in her mind using unexplained fragments of relationships is impossible to predict...... but the second scenario may turn out badly should it occur.

Just consider it after looking around to see what poeces of the puzzle are out there for her to work with..... momand friends mom hardly talk ant more...... they don't smile when they're together..... she can no longer visit at her friends house..... you stopped encouraging playtime between them...... That's what I'm seeing as I casually stroll by.

 

[OzZee]

You just never know what other parents plans and aspirations are that then transfer to how they treat you. Had it recently with a long term friend getting very *****y about me talking about 'gym' (which I purposely tried not to) and then seeing *****y remarks on facebook between her and another friend (after she had asked what gym meant to my middle dd and explaining that she had no major aspirations, isn't the best out there, but loves it with a passion, it's one of the most important things in her life at the moment, that she sees herself as a gymnast not someone who does gymnastics (my older dd fits that) - so then seeing comments about 'oh so she's a gymnast then, haha' on facebook) .
I've since realised that these friends did have gymnastics aspirations for their kids and maybe their kids didn't make it to team because they weren't up to it, or their parents weren't prepared to put the time/effort/money in but then felt bad that their kids didn't have the opportunities mine did.
So I've realised you just have no idea what motivates people but the most important thing is your child isn't subjected to that kind of adult negativity. They will no doubt get enough from other competitive kids they need to be kept away from toxic adults.

 

[Seeker]

Yes...I think that we all deal with this kind of thing to a certain degree. Although I think the OP situation is a bit extreme...I can't believe someone would un-friend you on FB because you can't drive her kid to gymnastics! I do hope that she calms down and realizes she's being a bit over the top. I don't think that you did anything wrong at all...you cannot take responsibility for her DD and it you did, something would happen down the road that would sour it so it's best to just say no from the get go.

For us, it is often the snarky comments about her schedule and not inviting her to things and then saying "well, I just assumed she'd be at the gym". There is a particular friend that has made comments when my DD got the flu last year "well, it's probably because she's so over-tired from all the gymnastics". My DD also plays the violin and that seems to have created some sort of competition as well...but I just try to shrug it off. I think that many cases people may wish their child had the drive/desire/talent/whatever to do something like this as well, but for whatever reason they do not pursue it. That seems to be the case here...this friends' DD is a nice girl but very shy and sort of blah. She hasn't really found her 'thing' yet and I think that creates a sense of competition for her Mom. I just try to ignore it and move the topic of conversation to something else if it comes up.

 

[Flossyduck]

I can completely empathise. My daughter and her best friend both put themselves down on the waiting list for gymnastics at the same time, with the plan to go together. That same summer we went on holiday together and the girls were messing about on the beach trying to do back bends with an older girl who did gym. DD was pretty good and picked things up really well and her friend... not so much, although it didn't seem much of an issue at the time.
When they got their places at the gym club dd's friend's mum decided she was too busy to drive her there and wouldn't let her go. DD started alone and just took off. Two years later she trains elite track at a fantastic gym.
Well the friend's mum has behaved pretty badly. When dd went round to play she would come home with comments like "??'s mum said boys don't like girls with muscles" and "??'s mum said I could have gone camping with them but I'm too busy doing gym".
The mum is very sporty and competitive (unlike me) and I understand that the unexpected role reversal in our daughters must smart a bit, but she didn't invite dd to the last party on the basis "oh I thought she'd be at gym" (there are only four girls in the class and dd the only one not asked) so it's got beyond a bit of hurt pride.
DD does not show off or go on about gym all the time. I don't talk to my friends about it, because to be honest they think I'm mad and the more I say the more they sneer.
Some of our friends are interested and proud and encouraging. Some are envious and can be mean and some just judge. You learn to ride it out. That's all you can do, but I can honestly say you get used to it and it ceases to hurt.

 

[Seeker]

DD does not show off or go on about gym all the time. I don't talk to my friends about it, because to be honest they think I'm mad and the more I say the more they sneer.

^^^^^^
This is us too...we do not go on and on about it and I never boast about a medal or post her videos online, etc. It IS very important to her, however I find that many just do not get it. They'll either say "oh, wow...too much money for me" or "I would never make my daughter spend that much time doing one activity" and on and on....

Let's be clear...I don't "make" her do anything. She loves it and she excels at it and she will do it for as long as she wants to. And I will support her and help her any way that she needs. I'm her Mom...that is what I am supposed to do. I figure I would rather give her the opportunity to be really good at one thing rather than be mediocre at many. I always wanted that chance and never had it, so I am grateful for this opportunity for her.

 

[Bajanswife]

I post about DD on Facebook - I'm proud of her accomplishments! Other friends post about their swimmer or their surfer or their show jumper. We go to each others' kids meets when we can. It's a sad world when we cannot celebrate our kids accomplishments with our friends and family, and IMO anyone who sneers, thinks I'm mad or gets sore because of something I have mentioned about DD is no real friend of mine. No-one should feel like they have to keep quiet about their kids because of how it might make others feel. I am speaking generally of course - it's different in specific circumstances, such as when you might be sensitive to a particular friend whose child didn't get picked for your child's activity or team (within a reasonable timeframe of course, not years later!). I am also not talking about bragging. There is a happy medium, and within that your friends should be supportive otherwise what sort of friends are they??!!

 

[Uglybetty]

I'd like to thank each and every one of you for taking the time to reply....I am very thankful I found chalk bucket, because I think the next few years are going to be a roller coaster ride and I feel more than a bit lost. I always make a point of saying well done to my friends kids when they excel at sport (one is a promising tennis player, another a great long distance swimmer) and find this whole competitive/jealous thing tough to deal with. Gonna have to grow a thick skin I think!

Oh and flossy...I have a sneaky suspicion we're at the same gym. I've convinced myself so much that I look at each mum thinking "are you flossy?" Lol (they probably think I'm demented).