Parents New gym....mean girls

[RosieMom3]

We switched gyms at the beginning of summer this year, mainly to experience some different coaching. My daughter had an amazing group of friends at her old gym, had been there for 5 years....the very sweetest girls. When she made the final decision to switch gyms (and we let her make that final choice) we knew leaving her old team behind would be hard. The new coaches are great, but the team is not what we are used to. The girls are snarky behind each other's backs, seeing some bad attitudes, not very inclusive outside of the gym (birthday parties and sleepovers) and just not super welcoming anymore....at first they were very nice, but that has seemed to die out. I know gymnastics is not about the team, but I feel like we had it so well with the other friendships with the girls and moms and now it feels very very different. My kiddo is strong and she seems okay, but I have seen a little spark go away in her and I wonder if that is because she misses her old teammates. Anyone else been through something like this? Does it get better or did we make a mistake by switching gyms for coaching reasons? This kind of stuff keeps me up at night!

 

[GymDadWA]

Hopefully she can make a connection with one of the other gymnasts and things will get better from there where she at least has one other person to look forward to seeing, but getting a whole group to welcome her in might take a lot of time if it ever happens.

 

[Aussie_coach]

Gymnastics is about the team in so many ways. While they compete individually, they spend more hours together with their teammates than almost any other sport or activity.

It’s never easy to be the new kid, things may ease as she gets to know her teammates better.

Are there one or two who seem nice? You could invite them out together or over for a sleepover.

 

[WV Gym Mom]

I think gymnastics is absolutely about the team. I know my daughter's friendships are what keep her going on hard days.

I would worry about being at a gym which seems to have a culture of snarkiness/competition/mean girls. I am sure the coaching team has to be aware of it, and if they aren't working to actively change that culture, I'd be afraid they might be fostering it to increase comptetiveness. I know my daughter would be miserable in an environment like t

 

[BusyMomof2]

Gymnastics is 100% about the team for my daughter. We recently moved gyms for similar reasons (wanted a different, more positive coaching environment) and she misses her old teammates terribly. They remain in touch but it isn't the same. Her new team is nice, and they are welcoming. I haven't heard of snarky behavior or anything similar. But...she is struggling with her love of the sport and I know it's because of the team. We are planning a team get together/sleepover at our house to help - maybe try something similar?

 

[NutterButter]

I would say give it some more time. Maybe as the team nears competition season the girls will become more inclusive of your DD. You could also mention it to the coach too to see if there's anything they can do on their end to help (I'm thinking of possibly mixing up training partners or doing some more teambuilding games/strength contests). Also, all it takes is one or two more immature kids in the group to create an undesirable dynamic. In time, this usually solves for itself.

With that said, it could just be the vibe of the gym, especially if you are in a gym of status in your area. You have moved there for solid coaching....how many others are there for the same reason? Once you have a critical mass of families there 'for the coaching', this kinda becomes part of the gyms identity...you know, a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. Strong coaching + families who value this = less attention to aspects that equal the warm fuzzy you had at your prior gym.

Finally, I don't know the age of your kid but in my experience it gets better starting in L8 and/or after the majority of girls have started puberty. Middle school aged kids are the worst for cliques. If you haven't reached this yet, give it time. The annoying kids/families often leave the sport and the increased demands of the higher levels usually encourages bonding among the athletes.

 

[NutterButter]

I would say give it some more time. Maybe as the team nears competition season the girls will become more inclusive of your DD. You could also mention it to the coach too to see if there's anything they can do on their end to help (I'm thinking of possibly mixing up training partners or doing some more teambuilding games/strength contests). Also, all it takes is one or two more immature kids in the group to create an undesirable dynamic. In time, this usually solves for itself.

With that said, it could just be the vibe of the gym, especially if you are in a gym of status in your area. You have moved there for solid coaching....how many others are there for the same reason? Once you have a critical mass of families there 'for the coaching', this kinda becomes part of the gyms identity...you know, a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. Strong coaching + families who value this = less attention to aspects that equal the warm fuzzy you had at your prior gym.

Finally, I don't know the age of your kid but in my experience it gets better starting in L8 and/or after the majority of girls have started puberty. Middle school aged kids are the worst for cliques. If you haven't reached this yet, give it time. The annoying kids/families often leave the sport and the increased demands of the higher levels usually encourages bonding among the athletes.

 

[RosieMom3]

Hopefully she can make a connection with one of the other gymnasts and things will get better from there where she at least has one other person to look forward to seeing, but getting a whole group to welcome her in might take a lot of time if it ever happens.

We never had this issue at her former gym....very welcoming, open arms.....now I hear the coaching is better and they are letting her come back if she wants to....I don't know what to do....give the new gym more time, or send her back to her friends and her "home away from home" so she feels good and positive again. I worry being in a gym with an unsupportive team will being her spirit down, I am seeing a little of that happening and it worries me. I also don't want to tell her that when the going gets tough to just go back....it's a hard place to be right now.

 

[RosieMom3]

Gymnastics is 100% about the team for my daughter. We recently moved gyms for similar reasons (wanted a different, more positive coaching environment) and she misses her old teammates terribly. They remain in touch but it isn't the same. Her new team is nice, and they are welcoming. I haven't heard of snarky behavior or anything similar. But...she is struggling with her love of the sport and I know it's because of the team. We are planning a team get together/sleepover at our house to help - maybe try something similar?

Have you thought about switching back for her to be back with her friends? That has gone through our minds as the old gym is happy to have my daughter back (we left on very good terms).

 

[BusyMomof2]

Have you thought about switching back for her to be back with her friends? That has gone through our minds as the old gym is happy to have my daughter back (we left on very good terms).

No, because while we left on good terms and liked her former coach, the coaching environment in general is old school - threats, humiliation and the like. I don't know the long term impact of that coaching but I am not willing to risk it just for her to be near friends. We did move her from optionals to Xcel at the new gym and that has helped a bit - it seems like the Xcel girls are more friendly / "just want to do gymnastics" compared to the girls on her initial L6 team. So we'll see what happens. I wish you the best, I know how hard this is!

 

[GymDadWA]

We never had this issue at her former gym....very welcoming, open arms.....now I hear the coaching is better and they are letting her come back if she wants to....I don't know what to do....give the new gym more time, or send her back to her friends and her "home away from home" so she feels good and positive again.

If the old gym will take her back with open arms I'd run back today. In the end when your DD looks back on her gymnastics journey she should have enjoyed it, and not feel like she did her best but she was just tolerated by the people around her.

Honestly most girls are not going to make it to 10 and beyond so make sure they are in a place where they want to be for as long as they can do it. She'll know you were doing everything you could to get her there, but it sounds like she is not in place she wants to be right now and that will stop gymnastics as much as a bad coach. There are other ways to work on progress like camps and privates if she wants extra coaching.

 

[RosieMom3]

No, because while we left on good terms and liked her former coach, the coaching environment in general is old school - threats, humiliation and the like. I don't know the long term impact of that coaching but I am not willing to risk it just for her to be near friends. We did move her from optionals to Xcel at the new gym and that has helped a bit - it seems like the Xcel girls are more friendly / "just want to do gymnastics" compared to the girls on her initial L6 team. So we'll see what happens. I wish you the best, I know how hard this is!

It's so hard, you want your child to flourish and just be happy, but while things seem hard you want them to persevere through the tough stuff too

 

[Kara]

We never had this issue at her former gym....very welcoming, open arms.....now I hear the coaching is better and they are letting her come back if she wants to....I don't know what to do....give the new gym more time, or send her back to her friends and her "home away from home" so she feels good and positive again. I worry being in a gym with an unsupportive team will being her spirit down, I am seeing a little of that happening and it worries me. I also don't want to tell her that when the going gets tough to just go back....it's a hard place to be right now.

Go back to the old gym; if your daughter isn't happy at the new gym it doesn't matter how good the coaching is.

 

[RosieMom3]

Go back to the old gym; if your daughter isn't happy at the new gym it doesn't matter how good the coaching is.

Thanks...I kind of needed to hear that.....I want to be a good parent and help her get through the hard stuff, but this seems to be not worth the stays even if it's only been a few months

 

[Dahlialover]

Life is too short to spend your time in the company of unpleasant people! I’d let her go back to her old gym with her friends, if that is what she wants.

 

[mark031111]

It's natural to worry about the changes she's experiencing now, especially if she seems a bit different since the switch. Many parents have faced similar situations, and while it might take time, things can improve. Her adaptability and strength will serve her well in the long run.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

You should report these things as per safe sport

 

[3rd_time_around]

my daughter recently made a switch because of several reasons, but one of the big ones was friends. The group she was in was mostly new-to-the-gym girls, much younger than her and very cliquish. She begged me for the switch, and I agonized over it for weeks. I finally relented and after just 1 night with her friends and girls mostly around her age, she is very happy with the decision. So yes, the team and the friendships do matter a lot, especially to teens.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Folks should discuss with the coaches because this shouldn’t be allowed. It’s a safe sport issue.

 

[LarvaeRabbit]

If the old gym will take her back with open arms I'd run back today. In the end when your DD looks back on her gymnastics journey she should have enjoyed it, and not feel like she did her best but she was just tolerated by the people around her.

Honestly most girls are not going to make it to 10 and beyond so make sure they are in a place where they want to be for as long as they can do it. She'll know you were doing everything you could to get her there, but it sounds like she is not in place she wants to be right now and that will stop gymnastics as much as a bad coach. There are other ways to work on progress like camps and privates if she wants extra coaching.

Knowing what I know right now, I could not agree more. If my daughter had the option to be with friends doing gymnastics, even if its less skilled coaching (but still good coaching I assume?) I'd do it without hesitation. I think its natural to want to provide the best option for them to go "as far" as they can, but if your athlete can work out at a quality gym with people they enjoy being around in a positive environment, in my opinion that's really what youth sports is all about.

You're lucky to have the two comparisons. Your daughter's current scenario is where we're at now, but we don't have another good local option to try. I personally don't see anything wrong with switching back and saying, hey, we tried, it wasn't a good fit. I feel really terrible for the girls this age that are already dealing with so much of this garbage at school, and in their personal lives, they don't need it at the places (run by adults by the way) where they want to blow off steam and enjoy themselves. Its heartbreaking to have to watch them go through it and not know the best way to help.