Parents Parents of kiddos with anxiety, I need your help!

[bluesocks]

I am not sure exactly what I am looking for here, maybe just venting. My dd, 7, has issues with anxiety. Last night practice ended in tears because she was embarrased she could not get a new skill right away and she was right in front of the parents. She felt the parents were laughing at her for not getting it right away (nobody was laughing at her). I don't really know the best way to handle this. We talk all the time about how my only expectation is that she tries hard. We often talk about how some skills take a long time to learn. But, somewhere along the lines she has decided she should get skills on the first try and have them right. This isn't going to happen.

Part of the issue, I think, is the coach who was working with her at the time. This coach often relates to the kids in a sarcastic way. She does the sarcasm thing in an over the top sort of way, so the kids do get it. But, I think my dd loses sight sometimes of this. Part of me thinks I just need to work with my daughter on understanding and interpreting the sarcasm. Part of me thinks I should talk with the coach so that she understands how it can affect my daughter who seems very confident, but really is not confident at all.

I don't know. Thoughts? Suggestions?

Blue

 

[Monkeygirlsmom]

If you find anything to help let me know!!

my 9 yr old dd was in tears at her last meet since she was last on the floor (she is in tears quite often due to small things)
I really belive it is all anxiety issues (well not all but a big part of it all)

 

[Gymdad2]

I would reccommend patience. Your dd is 7 and just beginning to find her way through the world around her. She will adapt as she learns. If you do decide to take action, I would suggest you talk to the coach. Good luck.

 

[misshoneybee]

My daughter developed generalized anxiety disorder at the age of 8. Her symptoms were very similar and it started interfering with her ability to sleep, focus on homework etc. Good luck with it, I don't have any advice other than hang in there and if she starts showing signs of anxiety at home call your pediatrician. BTW - my daughter didn't show any signs of anxiety at school, just at home and in sports.

 

[bluesocks]

She does have issues with anxiety and we do see a dr about it. At this point, I have chosen not to medicate, but these moments break my heart. I know she has to learn strategies to deal with it, and we are working on that. I just do not want it to interfere with her participation in sports. I know others have BTDT with their child. I guess I am looking for words of wisdom.

Thanks, all for reading and replying!

 

[bluesocks]

My daughter developed generalized anxiety disorder at the age of 8. Her symptoms were very similar and it started interfering with her ability to sleep, focus on homework etc. Good luck with it, I don't have any advice other than hang in there and if she starts showing signs of anxiety at home call your pediatrician. BTW - my daughter didn't show any signs of anxiety at school, just at home and in sports.

She must still be invovled in sports? How did you deal with the anxiety? Do you just work through it as it happens or????

 

[busymomof4]

Hi, sounds like your DD is very hard on herself which many gymnasts are. My DD who is 8 y.o. is also very hard on herself which causes her to occasionally have anxiety (stomach aches) when she is having trouble at practice with a certain skill. Sometimes I have to give her stomach medicine such as zantac which was approved by her Dr. to help her (her anxiety is not severe so other medicine is not necessary for my DD). I try to talk with her and assure her that no matter how she does that I am still proud of her and that if she chooses to stop gymnastics then that is o:k but she always says "NO, I will never quit gymnastics. " My DD seems very confident also but she really isn't. Gymnasts are always being "critiqued" on their gymnastics and this can be hard on girls that don't have a lot of self confidence. Hopefully the coach can tone down the sarcasm and try to encourage her more when she is doing a good job. I also limit the gymnastics talk at home so as not to add pressure to her. I usually ask it she has had a good day at practice and leave it at that. It sounds like you are doing everything you can do except maybe just talk with the coach about the problem. Good luck.

 

[mayestra12]

Thanks for this post as I was afraid to talk about it here. Yes, my dd has anxiety and she has been seeing a child psychologist since September which has helped a lot. Her anxiety comes out as tears and also in the form of negative self talk. She works really hard not to show her anxiety at school (something I have to address with her teacher at a conference this week) but it comes out at gym as tears. She just got through her first meet last Friday and she did great! Phew...we weren't sure what we were going to do if she couldn't handle it.

.Worrywisekids.org - improving the quality of life for anxious children and their families by providing parents, educators and mental health professionals with comprehensive, user-friendly information on the full range of anxiety disorders.

Very helpful website. I also recommend reading Freeing Your child from Anxiety by Tamar E. Chansky

I'm currently also reading Freeing your child from negative thinking by the same author

 

[UnoMas]

There is also a book called "Up and Down the Worry Hill" by Aureen Pinto Wagner. It is a book for kids (maybe 2nd grade reading level) who have OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) but I think it really appiles to anxiety too. My younger DD has had lots of anxiety symptoms throughout childhood...things are settled down now which is good but you never know when things will flare up again. Lots of kids deal with anxiety and even OCD...and when you think about the perfectionism needed in gymnastics...you can understand why some gymmies are prone to anxiety. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Who knows...

I also might have a word with the coach if you think it will help. Depends on the culture of the gym and how parent input is received and/or your relationship with this particular coach. Sarcasm for a 7 year old is in my opinion probably not the best tactic...but I am just a mommy!

 

[mumoftwogymnasts]

My paediatrician once compared the tears from my anxious child as being like an overflowing bathtub. He described it as all day the child is bombarded with thoughts, stresses, the need to rush, situations that make them anxious, afraid, angry or nervous. In an infant or toddler this often results in instant tears and/or tantrums... but older kids "store" all this stuff, they have learnt not to immediately cry or rant and rage, but the storing of emotions is liking filling a bath tub. Water is pouring in all day, all week and in the end it overflows, either with tears, acting out or other anxious behaviour. His point to me was that with the bathtub we don't notice the overflow until the very last, drop, when it all spills out onto the floor in a huge mess... but the first, second, third drops of water, way back at the beginning are also contributing to the spillage.
It helped me to really look at the big picture with her, and to understand why she could cope all day at school and then a seemingly small insignificant thing (the final drop in the tub) could set her off at the end of the day.


Sounds to me like you are doing all you can to help your daughter through this, I would definitely have a word with the coach so that he/she is aware what is going on.
Maybe talk to your dd about things that she finds calming. In my dd's case she needs some quiet time to allow her to destress and regroup. She also finds it calming to touch and stroke something soft and furry. We have a thirty minute drive to gym straight from school, so the ipod goes on with soft classical music, in winter she snuggles under a blanket, in summer teddy, soft and strokeable, is always waiting in the car. I try to create a "bubble" of calm for her as much as is possible in the car.

 

[lilgymmie7]

My DS who wrestles has struggled with anxiety since he was 6. He is 12 and a half now. I used to think that my job was to reduce his stress. I thought I had to be his rescuerer. I have since learned that he needs to be equipped with coping skills to handle his own anxiety. I have also learned to be very consistent with him. DS sees his counselor weekly. He also sees his Phsych. monthly, and is medicated. I really struggled with the meds. But they have made a difference. I would talk to your DDs coach. These kids are already self critical. Sarcasm doesnt work with them. I was up front with my sons coaches and they have been instrumental in helping him gain coping skills. Most importantly, do know that it gets better. My son may be riddled with anxiety but he is my joy. He really knows how to make us laugh!

 

[lilgymmie7]

My DS who wrestles has struggled with anxiety since he was 6. He is 12 and a half now. I used to think that my job was to reduce his stress. I thought I had to be his rescuerer. I have since learned that he needs to be equipped with coping skills to handle his own anxiety. I have also learned to be very consistent with him. DS sees his counselor weekly. He also sees his Phsych. monthly, and is medicated. I really struggled with the meds. But they have made a difference. I would talk to your DDs coach. These kids are already self critical. Sarcasm doesnt work with them. I was up front with my sons coaches and they have been instrumental in helping him gain coping skills. Most importantly, do know that it gets better. My son may be riddled with anxiety but he is my joy. He really knows how to make us laugh!

 

[bluesocks]

The overflowing bathtub is exactly it. This describes what happens with her!

I think I might need to address the sarcasm as it does make things more challenging for DD.

I am happy to report, though, that she showed me the skill she was struggling with last night at practice (it was a dance skill) and she did it with a big smile on her face. So, maybe I don't need to be as worried as I was this morning. Maybe!

Thank you all for sharing. It helps so much to hear advice from those parents who have BTDT.

Thanks!
Blue

 

[jdf]

My daughter had a lot of anxiety and tears, and so didn't even start gymnastics until 3rd grade. Now she's in sixth grade and sometimes just breaks down and cries about the pressure, but loves gymnastics and does not want to give it up. What is really funny about it is that she doesn't get stressed at meets, just at practice.
I try to take the long view, and see how happy she was in the gym over the week, and not to get caught up in her minute to minute emotions, which is exhausting for us both.
Just because she hates everything at a given moment doesn't mean that she is unhappy over all, and doesn't mean that she needs a talk about if gymnastics is too hard and does she want to quit, honey?

 

[Deleted member D3987]

good time here to point this out. good post JDF. they come home venting that they hate gymnastics. and that's IF...a BIG IF...if they will talk to you in the car on the way home after a bad night.

so you ask them why...they reply "i just can't get my..." "i keep peeling off the bar on it"..."i'm tired of eating my face in the mat"..."the coach keeps saying i'm lacking mental effort on it"..."how many more times do i have to keep doing this before i don't feel like a spaz"...etc; etc; etc; (yul brenner )

so you ask them to start from the beginning of practice cause you can't quite get a handle on how awful it was and for so long and what sounded like the entire practice!

he/she replies..."oh mom/dad your weren't listening!" "i was only having a problem with one skill. i was talking about 1 thing when i was at bars and it's really...really...really making feel like i wanna quit!!)

the rational and composed parent will ask..."so then, how was the rest of your practice?"

and what do they reply??? "it was awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

the parent then ponders if a night in a mental institution (where all coaches go when they retire and i hear the food is great with lots of TV) would be money well spent...

 

[Optionals United]

The bathtub comparison is great. Really that is exactly how it happens! Im a very quite person sometimes meaning i dont share my out lound, and then i just fill up and then one day I burst. No one ever knows why, because normally it is over a small thing like getting hit by my brother or something really stupid. but it is from all the time my "tub" has beeen filling up that is just what sets me off and i cant stop and it is an endless cylce.my tub fills up i bust, it fills up a burst ect. It is getting better but I still have trouble sharing my feelings and it is something that I have to work on.

Normally Our car drive home consist of how was gym?? ohhhh it was good. and im thinking even though I had to stay on beam for 3 hours because i wouldnt do my series(they still dont know about that...) Or getting yelled at because my brother didnt do his dish and my dad thought it was mine. all those little things that become drops in my tub untill i overflow.

 

[mumoftwogymnasts]

so you ask them why...they reply "i just can't get my..." "i keep peeling off the bar on it"..."i'm tired of eating my face in the mat"..."the coach keeps saying i'm lacking mental effort on it"..."how many more times do i have to keep doing this before i don't feel like a spaz"...etc; etc; etc; (yul brenner )

so you ask them to start from the beginning of practice cause you can't quite get a handle on how awful it was and for so long and what sounded like the entire practice!

he/she replies..."oh mom/dad your weren't listening!" "i was only having a problem with one skill. i was talking about 1 thing when i was at bars and it's really...really...really making feel like i wanna quit!!)

the rational and composed parent will ask..."so then, how was the rest of your practice?"

and what do they reply??? "it was awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!"

^^^^ Oh wow Dunno, you just described a typical drive home from practice perfectly !!!

 

[Kiwi]

I'm glad I found this thread, my DD (just turned 8) is having similar issues at the moment. She is very hard on herself and tends to focus on the negative and catastrophise. She believed the coach was 'yelling at her' and it was making her feel frustrated and inadequate. Last weekend she even insisted she wanted to give up gym. I know she doesn't want to give up, I think she just couldn't figure out how to deal with the problem and the only option she could think of was to run away.

She has also recently started to become anxious about other things (dying and so on) as well. It is definitely about more than gymnastics with her, she is very sensitive and has a worrying kind of personality (well, she is my daughter, so no surprise there).

I spoke to her coach and let her know how sensitive DD is and how she needs encouragement and asked her to please go gently with her, the coach seemed quite receptive and practices have gone a lot better since then.

I'm also working with my DD to try to help her to learn healthier thinking patterns. I have asked her to come up with at least one thing each practice that went well, so we can focus on something positive. I may search out those books people recommended. I will not ever medicate her, I've been the medication route myself and while it works to suppress symptoms in the short term, in the end it really solves nothing and creates even worse problems in the longer term. I survived an anxious childhood, and I didn't have my parents helping me with it as they were anxious people themselves and I guess they couldn't teach me what they didn't know. I will help her to be better equipped than I was. If it gets beyond my capabilities I will look into getting some professional help but only from a suitably qualified child psychologist.

I am a bit concerned about your coach being sarcastic with the gymnasts. Is it just a bit of tongue-in-cheek teasing, or is it a more nasty kind of humiliating sarcasm? This would be bad enough with adults, it is a no-no with children.

 

[lovofu]

Hi...have a very intense daughter/perfectionist who went through this stage...We talked about only have good thoughts in her head, that only good thoughts, GOD and her mom could put live in her mind and the worries, embarrasment and frustration had to move out and live somewhere else....Made a world of difference...She is 7 also...

 

[MdGymMom01]

My dd was like this when she was around 8 or 9 years old or so. She has a perfectionistic type personality and gets frustrated at times when things don't come easily for her as she would like. What I have done to help her cope with this is to reassure her that no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. I also explained to her that giving your best effort (whatever that may be) is the only thing that is expected of her. She was devastated one day when she brought home a B for the first time. I had to explain to her that as she progesses through school (or any activity) it will get harder and she will need to put more effort into it. I told her that "B's" are just as good as "A's" if she put her best effort into achieving that B.

So, now instead of focusing on grades, scores and placements so much, I reinforce that it is more important to put the effort into it and if she thought that she tried her hardest on something then she should be very proud of whatever grade or score she received. I also try to explain to her that everyone has off days and no matter how hard you try, things just don't turn out the way you want.
With the schoolwork, what helps her ease the anxiety, is organization and effective planning with her homework and projects. This helps spread the work out over time so she doesn't find herself being overwhelmed if things are due right around the same time.

Hang in there with your dd OP. Things will get better!