WAG When to quit over fear?

[Gymmamabear]

I know everyone says they would never let their child quit over fear....but what about when the fear is paralyzing and affecting every area of their life and has been doing on for months? My poor kid wants to quit but loves gymnastics more than anything in the world. She wishes more than anything she just wasn't afraid and could continue but she doesn't feel she can. (She's 12, a level 8). She cries about going to practice but cries about quitting too. Fear across ALL events from bars to beam. Is it time to encourage her to quit b/c no sport is worth this? It's been 5 months of constant fear and being upset and regression to even the most basic skills. Any thoughts would be appreciated - all the usual roads have been done, told the coaches, etc.

 

[profmom]

Are the coaches willing to take all pressure off and back her up to the skills she can do and rebuild from there? How did it start? Sounds vestibular.

DD has struggled with backwards stuff on beam now for more than two years. The trouble started when she was going from a solo BW to connecting things to it just as she was getting ready to go from old L6 to L7. For about a year, I think, she was also having issues working on Yurchenkos, to the point that the vault coach had to take her all the way back to the first progressions. She spent two years at 7 because she couldn't get her acro series on beam, but will move up to 8 and is a lot more confident and positive now, even though not everything is peachy keen. It was awful when we were in the middle of it, but I am glad she stuck it out. But that was really her. THey have to be leading the process, whatever the decision is.

 

[Muddlethru]

What does your instincts as her mon tell you? Do you think this is temporary or that she'll get over it? I don't like the word "quit". Perhaps just trying another sport and getting her mind off gymnastics for a while. I would also consider cutting practice to 2-3 times a week or even switching to excel or USAIGC where the commitment and skill progression is less intense. I think she has several options. So present them to her. She may feel confused not knowing what will happen after gymnastics. At this point and based solely on what you've written, a break may be a good idea. I know you said it upsets her to think about quitting gymnastics or losing her skills, but I feel, and I may be wrong, that since her fear is across the board in all events, it may be time to reevaluate her future in gymnastics.

 

[Gymmamabear]

My instincts as a mom tell me that mentally she cannot hack this. Her coaches have totally let her regress, but she even loses the easy skills. She has ZERO interest in repeating a level - particularly since she's lost those skills too! She has lost EVERYTHING from the simplest skills - she can't even do her flyaway on bars or her RBHS backtuck on floor anymore. When I say she has lost all her skills, she has lost ALL her skills, from the roundoff and backhandsprings on beam, to flyaway, yerchenkos, floor tumbling.....she's lost it all. It's very sad because she was very good in L7 last year but she has struggled with fear on and off since l3, but always overcame them. She seems to love to sport but hate the fear. My mom instincts tell me as much as she loves it mentally I'm just creating a monster and its time to move on. But OTOH I think how pretty she is when she performs and how much she loves it and it's a part of her and it pains me to encourage her to move on. (Though I have been encouraging that, but when she hits this reluctance it makes me question it) She's tried taking a month off and now she isn't sure if she should move on or go back. She doesn't want to let it all go because it makes her sad but she doesn't want to GO to the gym.

 

[Amelia]

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[Amelia]

There is always fear especially in gymnastics but usually this really changes the gymnasts love for gymnastics but if you love the sport you shouldn't quit. But you shouldn't have to cry about going to practice.... A lot of girls at my gym have taken a couple weeks off or try a lower less competitive team like x-cel or rec or classes. Or just quit and came to open gym. Or tried tumbling based sport (cheer or tramp and tumbling or diving) hope this helps

 

[proud-gym-mom]

If you have Xcel in your gym I would encourage her to do that. Maybe a private lesson or two to take it back to basics? With a really supportive coach? You don't want her to regret leaving the sport in a way that wasn't on her own terms. I think maybe the HeadGames WebCamp might help her? We've not done it but they have a 2 week free trial here http://headgameswebcamp.com/promotions/38/index.html

We saw Janae speak and she was really great.

 

[Gymmamabear]

Our gym does not have Excel and she refuses to go to another to try it. I think coming from JO she sees it as lesser. She also says she doesn't want to do it b/c she would still have to do scary skills. She just wants her fear gone miraculously OR to move on but she is afraid she will miss it. I tell her she can always go back if she misses it . Not ideal but it can be done. Maybe the headgames seminar would work? We could try it if I could convince her. Thanks!

 

[LizzieLac]

So after not being in the gym during that time did she come to any realization about if she really will miss it should she decide to quit?

How have the coaches been in terms of helping her get through it or deconstructing the skills, etc? Maybe there is an opportunity for them to be involved in helping her work through it?

 

[MiriamGymnast02]

I know everyone says they would never let their child quit over fear....but what about when the fear is paralyzing and affecting every area of their life and has been doing on for months? My poor kid wants to quit but loves gymnastics more than anything in the world. She wishes more than anything she just wasn't afraid and could continue but she doesn't feel she can. (She's 12, a level 8). She cries about going to practice but cries about quitting too. Fear across ALL events from bars to beam. Is it time to encourage her to quit b/c no sport is worth this? It's been 5 months of constant fear and being upset and regression to even the most basic skills. Any thoughts would be appreciated - all the usual roads have been done, told the coaches, etc.

This sounds EXACTLY what I had a couple of months ago. Here it goes:

First of all, what is her fear exactly? (afraid of getting hurt, afraid of going backwards, etc.)

Second, what started this fear? Rarely do things happen suddenly without a case behind it. (Was it getting hurt on a skill, not being able to make a certain skill and losing self confidence on all events, was it something a coach or gymnast said that was offensive to your daughter, to much pressure, etc)

I had a mixture of all of these things. I wasn't happy going to gymnastics because I was scared of doing certain skills, scared of my coaches possibly putting pressure on me, etc. On the other side, I didn't want to quit because I knew if I got over these fears I might love the sport again. My main fear was of getting hurt. I had come back from a foot injury, and had landed on my neck on a high back-handspring. I was also trying to make a giants as hard as I could, but only did it a couple of times, and hurt myself on them. This led to losing of self-confidence spreading out to all these other things. Long story short, it was a combination of things.

My advice would be to see a hypnotist, it helped a lot when I went to see one. I got over my fears slowly but surely. It also might be helpful to go to a system where she might feel less pressure to get over her fear (such as Xcel). I went to Xcel and it helped me get over my fear a lot easier. Also, make sure she communicates well with her coach about these fears.

I know I may be sounding like a psychologist here, but this is probably the best way of putting it. Hope she gets over her fear

 

[gymcoach4]

I am currently going thru this with my daughter right now. While the irrational fear has only been the last 2 weeks, she's had bouts of fear throughout her time in gymnastics. She is 9, current level 5 working 7. I am looking at it from my point of view as a former crazy gymnast I went from working on double backs on floor to one day completely scared of tumbling backwards - even standing backhandsprings. Nothing happened to me - never fell..never injured...just happened. My parents were always supportive (went to a hypnotist, sports psychologist...)and I went to a gym where the coach was also very nice and tried to work with me. While I continued gymnastics and enjoyed it, I was a mediocre gymnast at best because of my fears. Looking back, I wish that either a) I would have been pushed harder and maybe could have done something more with gymnastics, or b) had been encouraged to quit and do other sports. I probably would have been a pretty good sprinter for track, as vault was my best event and I was very fast and powerful...or maybe volleyball. I had interest in both other sports, but gymnastics took up so much time I really never had the chance. The only way I would have would to have been to quit gymnastics. While a lot of people at our gym don't agree with the way I'm dealing with my daughter now, I am basing it off my own experiences...what could have been if someone had pushed me...or if I had tried another sport...I know I enjoyed gymnastics, but probably would have liked other sports...and maybe even have been great at it. I'm hoping she will either be pushed past her fear and conquer it...or be pushed to realize gymnastics is not for her. Sounds harsh, but I'm ok with it.

 

[kandkfunk]

I feel for you. My DD struggled with fears for several years and was never able to really overcome them. She retired as a 15 year old level 8, so she was a few years older than your DD.

She went from connecting her BHS series on beam to not being able to land a single BHS, even with a spot. Competed the skill for one year and struggled through two more years. Nothing ever happened to her or a teammate, but she was so scared of splitting the beam or missing her hands that she almost made those things happen. The fear started bleeding over into other events. I don't think her coaches at the time dealt with it very well and I had no idea how to deal with it.

We tried Doc Ally (sp?), but she wasn't very committed to facing and overcoming her fear. To me, that is the biggest indicator of whether someone should continue or not. If she really wants to continue to do gym (at least competitively and at the same level) then she'll do what it takes to overcome her fears. It won't happen on its own. You either need a program or some kind of assistance, especially since she's been struggling for so long. My DD was never motivated enough to follow through with the offered help. So, I encouraged her to retire and try something new. She's now a high school cheerleader and is really enjoying herself.

Nobody knows your DD better than you do. Do you think she is motivated to face and overcome her fears? Can you provide her with a program or people to assist her? I think those are some key questions to ask yourself and your DD. It's so hard to see them struggle, especially when it's a long term struggle and it's so confusing for everyone involved.

Good luck!

 

[flippinam]

As most others have said, it's impossible to know your daughter & her exact situation, but I went through something very similar. I competed my first old level 6 season with all of my skills pretty solid. Then, everything fell apart. I "lost" my back walkover on beam, my flyaway on bars, & worst of all, my back tuck on floor. Before that, I had my layout on floor & back handspring on beam. I suddenly felt as if I couldn't go for anything because I thought I would just stop in the middle of it. Bars & beam came back, but the back tuck mind block lasted for two years! I got so frustrated with it that I would be in tears after almost every practice. After one year, I finally got it back, but then what I had feared all that time actually happened. I bailed out & landed on my neck. One week after getting it back, I was completely petrified & wouldn't even do a ROBHS. It took three months before I'd even go for it with a double spot. What helped me eventually get it back was watching the Doc Ali videos on gymnastike (not my favorite site but it helped). I still use "mental choreography" on every skill. I'm so happy that I didn't quit at that time. The mental blocks seemed to take over my life for some time (I'd find myself worrying about the BT all day at school), and working through it took immense patience but I'm so glad I did.

 

[MaryA]

No advice... just that we are going through something similar. It's not so much regression... We did go through that at the beginning of level 7 but taking some of the pressure off competing (coach scratched bars and beam from first meet) helped. (Not sure if having her train but not compete might be an option for your DD?) But she's just had a total lack of forward progress for the past 18 months or so. She's 13 and a second year level 8. She almost quit last spring, but ended up changing her mind. But I can't help but think that, if she doesn't start seeing some real progress soon, this will be her last year. Imagine spending virtually all your free time working on one thing and not feeling like you're progressing! Like your DD, she has a negative view of Xcel, even though our gym does offer it, the Xcel coach is amazing, and she has several friends competing Xcel. I can't quite figure that out.

If your daughter is miserable, maybe it's time to step in and make her take a break? Good luck! I feel for you!

 

[profmom]

From what I have heard from others and what I have experienced myself, the most important thing is that your daughter has to make a decision. Your job is to facilitate making that decision work by supporting her, talking to the coaches if necessary, and making her feel good about whatever decision she's made.

Mine made the decision to keep going, and it took me a long time to understand that I couldn't fix this for her. I talked to her about vestibular issues and she did several months of web camp. I sat with her in the basement and encouraged her to do her acro with mats so that she'd feel better about the skill. I encouraged her to do private lessons, which she didn't want to do (and never did do for beam). Through all of this, she remained anxious, defeated, discouraged, and down on herself.

Finally, I figured out that the most helpful thing I could do was step back and do nothing. I didn't ask how beam went anymore. If she approached me, I comforted her and reminded her that her struggles didn't make her a bad gymnast or an incompetent person. I also told her she'd feel better in the morning, which she always did. And eventually I started telling her that long processing sessions with were not helping her and that we should just talk mostly about the things that had gone right in practice.

It's her struggle and it will ultimately be her victory, whether she stays in gymnastics or not. Just help her to find and claim that victory on her own terms.

 

[bookworm]

I know everyone says they would never let their child quit over fear....but what about when
1. the fear is paralyzing and affecting every area of their life and has been doing on for months?
2.My poor kid wants to quit but loves gymnastics more than anything in the world. She wishes more than anything she just wasn't afraid and could continue but she doesn't feel she can. (She's 12, a level 8).
3. She cries about going to practice but cries about quitting too. Fear across ALL events from bars to beam.
4. Is it time to encourage her to quit b/c no sport is worth this? It's been 5 months of constant fear and being upset and regression to even the most basic skills

Ok a few things here...
Point #1: not "everyone" says they would never let their child quit over fear, me being one of them who would...and if as you say the fear is "paralyzing and affecting every area of her life" , well it's time to think that gymnastics just may not be the activity she should be doing, no matter how much she loves it...it is not healthy to have a sports fear that affects their whole existence vs just when she is in the gym...

Point #2: she has expressed a desire to quit , wants to continue but doesn't feel she can....she's already put it out there for you and maybe she wants YOU to take the decision out of her hands and be done with it.

Point #3: Cries about even going to practice and on all events...what a nightmare her days and nights must be...thinking that she's going to practice and crying about not wanting to and getting there and the nightmare continues because her fears are so powerful that she has regressed and cannot do anything? I personally would not want this existence for my child..she's 12 and she should be HAPPY with her extracurricular activities.

Point #4: You hit the nail right on the head here: NO SPORT IS WORTH THIS. And it's past the time to encourage her to quit, you need to take the bull by the horns here and say "you know what Susie, we're taking a break from gymnastics for a while because we need to...."....assure her that she can still socialize with her buddies at the gym but no more practices, meets etc and we'll try something new...if she really wants to try it again in 6 months to a year , then maybe but I've known a few kids whose parents have done this (for similar type reasons) and those girls have gone on to do other sports ( track, lacrosse, diving ) and been quite successful. She's been miserable for long enough and you've done everything to help her, it's time to move on...

 

[Jenny]

ditto above. Take a month off everything. Then help her choose a new sport or activity

 

[Gymdad2]

I totally agree with Jenny and Bookworm. There is more to life than gymnastics and you need to help her explore and find those things.

 

[Faith]

How would she feel about switching to a new gymnastics discipline- trampoline, tumbling, rhythmic?

Acro is also great and you can reach high levels if you are a good, well balanced, strong base.

 

[Gymsanity]

“Quitting is not giving up, it's choosing to focus your attention on something more important. Quitting is not losing confidence, it's realizing that there are more valuable ways you can spend your time. Quitting is not making excuses, it's learning to be more productive, efficient and effective instead. Quitting is letting go of things (or people) that are sucking the life out of you so you can do more things that will bring you strength.”
― Osayi Osar-Emokpae, Impossible Is Stupid
Good luck to the both of you, I know what a difficult time this must be........