Parents When would you step in?

[Ex member]

My dd (7) is making progress in her group and is doing well as far as I know. There is one small niggling issue that dd is having that keeps cropping up every so often. Dd told me that she is having issues's on the strap bar, according to dd the coach has been telling her off for not doing her swings correctly saying dd is not listening and threatening to not let her go on the bars if she doesn't do it right, dd says she is listening and is trying to do what the coach says but can't quite get it. I have asked dd if she can handle this issue and let the coach know she is trying but doesn't quite understand how to apply the correction and doesn't feel like she can ask the coach for help.

Dd is younger then her team mates and only in year 2 (first grade in the USA) and doesn't always know how to deal with things like her older team mates could, she told me that she is frightened that she will get kicked out of the group, Her coach isn't horrible but is young and I think she sometimes forgets that dd is so young (I hope that is the reason), dd said no one else has got threatened like she has.

Dd is not as emotionally mature as some girls can be at the age of 7 and can get easily upset but tries to hide it.

I am quite happy for the coach to tell dd off in the correct way if needed and for the coach to give her corrections but not to bully or threaten my dd when it might not be her fault.

I have tried to get dd to try and sort this out but I don't think she can handle this on her own yet, I have offered to have a chat with the coach with dd present to find out what has been said and if she has threatened dd (I hope not and that dd has gotten the wrong end if the stick) and I will get her to tell the coach her views. Do you think I should request to speak to the coach or just leave it?

 

[cbifoja]

Leave it. Your daughter and coach need to build a relationship where your daughter trusts her coach. If she were being yelled at or demeaned, my answer would be different. But this sounds very normal and that you are worrying about nothing.

My other thought is did you hear what the coach said or is this your daughter's interpretation? Unless you are in the gym and hearing everything, you don't really know what the coach said and are probably worrying about normal coaching.

I know that you've mentioned in other posts that you are a worry wart. I know that you often are concerned about little things that are pretty normal. I would really only approach the coach about things that are major issues for your daughter. Nothing that you've said in your posts indicates anything major or even out of line.

My daughter has had some pretty insane things said to her. She has been chased into the parking lot by a coach yelling at her after I made the decision that she was leaving for the day. She's been told that she "stinks as bad as roadkill". Those are the things that might warrant coaching intervention, not being threatened to be left off of a rotation.

 

[Ex member]

Thanks, I want my dd to build up a relationship with her coach, but I do think it is a bit extreme at her age to leave her out of a rotation for something that is not her fault (the only fault being too afraid to speak up) if my dd is correct with what the coach has told her then I cannot see how making dd sit out can change things - maybe I am being too sensitive over this.

I did not see or hear what happened and I am only going by what dd has told me. I will leave it and see what happens.

 

[Rapunzel]

To give my completely honest opinion, I wish I'd had figured out what was bothering dd1 at the gym a month before she quit. You've mentioned a couple of times that she's looked sad in practice - could it be linked?
I'm only saying this with hindsight. Dd quit, I think it was down to the mental pressure and confidence battering, the pressure intensifies. But anyway - I wish I'd have said something to her coach.
If you think as an adult the amount of times you don't stand up for yourself ( eg receiving poor service), but at 7, it's really tough, especially speaking up to the boss.

 

[Iwannabemargo]

gymnastics requires them to be pretty grown up. Mine got sent to the changing room today for tutting on beam when asked to do walks. A lot of the strictness is a safety issue. She needs to learn to communicate with her coach on her own, and remember that they are very subjective at this age, how they tell something can be very different to the actual situation. The best thing to do is equip her with phrases to let the coach know when she doesn't understand.

 

[Ex member]

Thanks Iwannabemargo for the advice, what you say does make a lot of sense, the bar thing can be a safety issue as dd swings pretty high,she is nearly parallel with the high bar when she swings.

I have advised to dd to try and work it out on her own with the coach and tell her to tell the coach she is trying to do the swings the correct way and she just can't get it and ask for help. I guess it is me as much as ds that needs to learn lessons when it comes to gymnastics but it isn't easy when your "baby" is feeling unhappy.

Going back to my dd looking down during the past few weeks we gave figured out what was going on, dd said she looked down and unhappy as she was feeling tired after warm ups and conditioning - the first hour of practice, that combined with a school day must make her feel tired. You can tell the difference in dd when the warm up and conditioning is over as she has a spring in her step and looks happier, the past few practices dd has made more effort in warm up and conditioning and doesn't complain, she is just quiet until that part is over.

 

[Ex member]

I know that you've mentioned in other posts that you are a worry wart. I know that you often are concerned about little things that are pretty normal. I would really only approach the coach about things that are major issues for your daughter. Nothing that you've said in your posts indicates anything major or even out of line.

My daughter has had some pretty insane things said to her. She has been chased into the parking lot by a coach yelling at her after I made the decision that she was leaving for the day. She's been told that she "stinks as bad as roadkill". Those are the things that might warrant coaching intervention, not being threatened to be left off of a rotation.

I have been trying not to worry too much and just go with the flow, for the most part things have been ok, it is just tonight's hiccup and how dd wanted to handle it, I am not worried just wanted to know how to help dd handle things and wondering if I needed to strap in, I know realise that dd can be encouraged to handle this, it is not the first time this had happened to dd, dd has mentioned this to me a few weeks ago and it keeps happening so I thought it was time to get it sorted one way it another. Like I have said I will encourage dd to deal with it alone.

 

[CanAmGymMum]

Perhaps dd is trying to do everything she can to swing high, and in doing so, is sacrificing her technique. Let her know that it's more important to practice proper shapes, even if it means swinging a little bit lower. Eventually, these good shapes will lead to bigger swings and good giants.

 

[Becauseisaid]

gymnastics requires them to be pretty grown up.

I actually completely disagree with this. (Still love ya' Iwanna!)

I believe that gymnasts tend to be seen as more mature than their actual age because of the focus, drive, and passion they have for their sport. HOWEVER, at the end of the day, this is a 7 year old. Almost every single elementary age child I know has been taught over and over to NOT question an adult. So they don't. Kids don't want to get in trouble. They also don't really know how to talk to adults.

Regardless of the sport or maturity of the child, it is our responsibility as a parent to help our children through these things. Learning experience right here. I love the idea of arming your DD with phrases on how to ask for help in this situation. But I wouldn't bet the farm that she'll either do it or do it correctly. Personally, I see nothing wrong with dropping a quiet word in the coach's ear to say "DD wanted to let you know she hasn't quite been understanding your corrections on the strap bar. I wanted to make sure she was able to get that across respectfully."

You may be surprised with what you think your DD is telling the coach, what your DD thinks she is telling the coach, and what the coach is actually hearing.

 

[Becauseisaid]

Coaches also need to remember that not every child is necessarily going to "get" a particular phrase or correction.

For example - teammate of DD's kept being told to point her toes. Over and over the coach would get on to her about pointing her toes. The poor girl would practically cry saying that she WAS! One day another girl happened to mention pointing her FOOT. Problem solved.

Sometimes even the coach needs to go back to basics.

 

[gymdog]

Hmm, I think the coach probably said or meant your daughter would be left off that drill/station. Not sure how it would work for her to not go to bars. I would just clarify that and hopefully you'll get some more information about it.

 

[cbifoja]

Having kids ask another gymnast is a GREAT strategy and one I've told my DD to do before. Gymnasts talk to one another differently and they understand how other gymnasts think. Asking an older or higher level gymnast to explain something you don't understand is a great tool for a gymnast to have in their toolbox.

 

[Gymgem05]

I have tried to teach my daughter that it is ok to disagree and defend your self to an adult. I believe kids feel like this is "talking back" and will be viewed as disrespectful. I've always encouraged dd to speak openly and honestly in a respective manner to adults. I've even helped her find the right words before she went to her coach/teacher. Maybe encourage her to speak up and explain to her what would be an acceptable approach.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

Sounds like sound coaching.

 

[Ex member]

Having kids ask another gymnast is a GREAT strategy and one I've told my DD to do before. Gymnasts talk to one another differently and they understand how other gymnasts think. Asking an older or higher level gymnast to explain something you don't understand is a great tool for a gymnast to have in their toolbox.

Dd told me that she watches one of her older team mates to see how they are doing it and try and copy their shape.

Why do gymnastics seem so much older in the gym, when they come out of the gym they all look so small. Gymnastics is kind of a crazy sport where being 7 seems quite old but in the real world they are only babies (if you know what I am trying to say).

I am sure dd is is blowing things way out of context and things will work out fine, I will keep an eye on the situation though.

 

[Flossyduck]

I think you need to choose very carefully when to speak to the coach because as the skills get harder it will take your daughter longer to figure things out sometimes. Sometimes it's because she doesn't quite understand the instruction and sometimes maybe she does but can't quite put it into practice.

The coach may take her off something if it isn't going well - maybe for safety if it's not being done right, also maybe because repeatedly doing something the wrong way is counter productive and she/he thinks a break would be better all round.

My daughter wasn't timing her vault right one session and it was scary to watch. She was given corrections and a couple of chances to try and correct it before her coach sent her to work on roundoff drills. Yes it was a bit like punishment and dd wasn't happy about it, but better than hurting herself or her coach.

So it happens and it will keep happening and I've been where you are and wanted to try and help my dd communicate with her coach but I agree that it's better if you can help her to speak up for herself. That's a process that takes a little time and trust, but I'm sure she will get there.

You worry because you care

 

[COz]

If you feel that you absolutely must say something to the coach, perhaps something like "DD says she's been having trouble with bars. Is she sufficiently stuck that you think she needs a private session to help her through this?" might be nice and non-confrontational and give the coach an opportunity to say how much of an issue (or not) it is whilst also making them aware that DD has said something to you but you're not panicking/worried just offering to do something to fix it.
(That sentence may have been a bit too long...)
Chances are the coach will then be a bit surprised and say that there's no need for a private, she's making progress and will get it in her own time

 

[Noideaaboutgym]

The coach may take her off something if it isn't going well - maybe for safety if it's not being done right, also maybe because repeatedly doing something the wrong way is counter productive and she/he thinks a break would be better all round.

This definitely happens in DDs group, it has taken a while to work out why some were sent to work RO on floor etc but it tends to be when someone is consistently not doing something right eg BWO on beam, the ones left working it were the ones doing it with better form, the girls struggling for whatever reason after a reasonable number of attempts went to practice front flicks and RO.

From what the OP has said this has happened once at one session, I would give it a week or so and if your DD is still having the same issue have a chat with the coach. DD one week was one of the ones sent to practice RO, the following week was left on the beam practicing as one week her form was terrible and ne next week was good.

 

[Ex member]

From what the OP has said this has happened once at one session, I would give it a week or so and if your DD is still having the same issue have a chat with the coach. DD one week was one of the ones sent to practice RO, the following week was left on the beam practicing as one week her form was terrible and ne next week was good.

This has happened a few times before over the past few weeks, this is something that dd is not getting the hang of all the time (sometimes she gets it right), dd needs to let the coach know that she is finding it hard to try and do what is asked, I think that leaving dd out of the bar rotation is not going to help her learn unless the coach gives her shaping exercises to do to help her "get it" and then moved from there, that might be what the coach has in mind is I will take a back seat and try and watch dd next time she is on the strap bar with the coach and see what happens, if the coach just has dd sitting at the side watching then that is a different story (unless the coach wants dd to watch the older girls who are doing it right to see if she copy them, but dd already does that)

 

[Noideaaboutgym]

It is definitely tricky to work out when/whether to say anything. As you say sitting out may be the worst thing for her, or if she is watching and learning it could be for the best. If it has been going on for a while then speaking to the coach may be the best thing, if only to understand if there is a way you can help her to understand what is required of her.