Parents Daughter doesn't want to quit...

[claudidoll]

DD loves gym, breaks down at the thought quitting but is terrified of a couple of coaches at our gym. She just can't get past the door.

I'm at a loss

 

[notthatmom]

It sounds like a coach problem, not a gymnastics problem.

What is it that makes her so terrified of them?

 

[Gymmommy71]

How old is your DD? - my gut feeling is she needs some though love in the sense that you got to tell her if she doesn't go in she's done w/ gymnastics for a certain amount of time. And stick w/ it if she won't go in.

These types of freak outs will only get worse as they age if they don't learn boundaries. You can't always chose your coach, and if there is no abuse going on, she's gonna need to learn to deal w/ coaches who aren't her favorites if she wants to be a gymnast.

If you are allowed to watch practice - go watch (provided you can get your DD to go in). If the coach isn't doing anything noticeably wrong, put your foot down w/ your daughter. If the coaches are in fact bullies, then take it up w/ the gym.

 

[bookworm]

Are you paying for this "not going through the door"? Whatever the issue, be it coaches or her, I would put my foot down at paying for non-participation... I would tell her "you either go in a do the gym that you love or we go home and are done here"....I would ask her exactly the reason she is terrified and if it couldn't be worked out at your particular gym, I'd try it somewhere else , with the absolute understanding that she either participates, or she is done. I get that she is afraid and maybe she just needs a break, but I wouldn't keep paying if she won't go in.

 

[cadybearsmommy]

Could you elaborate on why she is afraid.....a child so afraid of a coach that she won't go through the door even though she loves gymnastics raises all kinds of red flags to me. It sounds like this might go beyond just a child being an uncooperative kid.

 

[caligymdad]

We changed gyms when my 5 year old feared a coach so bad that she didn't want to go on days when she would be forced to work with her. The coaching fit is very important in our opinion. My DD has no problem with firm or hard coaches but she doesn't nor should she have to do mean.

 

[GymDad9.9]

Could you elaborate on why she is afraid.....a child so afraid of a coach that she won't go through the door even though she loves gymnastics raises all kinds of red flags to me. It sounds like this might go beyond just a child being an uncooperative kid.

My daughter had a similar problem of not wanting to go through the door when she was elevated to team. Lasted about two days. Fear was of the unknown and intimidated feeling out of place not knowing any of her teammates. Two years later I can't get her out of the gym.

 

[cadybearsmommy]

My daughter had a similar problem of not wanting to go through the door when she was elevated to team. Lasted about two days. Fear was of the unknown and intimidated feeling out of place not knowing any of her teammates. Two years later I can't get her out of the gym.

And I could understand that, we have a girl on our team who was scared like that when she started team, she would barely speak for weeks but she was really shy too. She came around. But what worries me in this situation is that the fear seems to be specific to the coaches mentioned, not just intimidated by the new experience, feeling out of place etc. A little anxiety about working with new coaches, or a sterner coach is one thing. But a fear so strong they won't go through the door? Makes me wonder what the reason is..... It could be nothing that the coaches did in particular but on the other hand it could be reason for concern.

 

[claudidoll]

DD is 8, we have been in the team program going on four years now. There are three coaches that she is just scare of. One is her personal coach this summer and the other two are support for her coach.

As far as I can tell they are all lovely and kind and caring, though they are also tough in the gym. None of them want to see her sad or to see her quit the sport.

As for paying for it, we pay Sept-June, so for now not an issue but it will be soon.

Right now I bring her, she gets there, refuses to go in, even hyperventilates when she sees one of them, but still doesn't want to go home.

Today I took her home and told her I need to be her parent and put an end to this, I had thought maybe she really wants to be done but doesn't know how to tell me. We told her that we won't be bringing her back. She was upset for a long time, and eventually came out and said I'm not ready to be done. So we'll try again.

Maybe I'm a sucker

 

[Mom2Chickadee]

Are you able to stay at practice? We've gone through this with DD in the past. I would stay in the viewing area until she gave me the thumbs up (meaning she was good). A little different for my DD as she had separation issues, not fear of coaches, but it may ease her uncertainty with the coaches if she knows you're close by.

 

[cadybearsmommy]

DD is 8, we have been in the team program going on four years now. There are three coaches that she is just scare of. One is her personal coach this summer and the other two are support for her coach.

As far as I can tell they are all lovely and kind and caring, though they are also tough in the gym. None of them want to see her sad or to see her quit the sport.

As for paying for it, we pay Sept-June, so for now not an issue but it will be soon.

Right now I bring her, she gets there, refuses to go in, even hyperventilates when she sees one of them, but still doesn't want to go home.

Today I took her home and told her I need to be her parent and put an end to this, I had thought maybe she really wants to be done but doesn't know how to tell me. We told her that we won't be bringing her back. She was upset for a long time, and eventually came out and said I'm not ready to be done. So we'll try again.

Maybe I'm a sucker

Is she able to tell you why she is so afraid of them? It's possible that it could be something that happened that has stuck with her, perhaps a day that they were more harsh than normal on her and said something that stuck with her? Kids are funny that way, they don't forget, and they can tend to internalize things like that even if it wouldn't come across as harsh to a parent, it could be a huge deal to them and stay in their head. Maybe there is a skill she is being pushed to do that she is afraid of? It's also possible that they are more tough on them at times where they aren't as visible to the parents.

Would she be comfortable going in for a meeting with the coaches (with you present as well of course) ? Perhaps them talking to her, telling her they have her best interests at heart, etc would make her feel better.

If she is hyperventilating, etc, I would say it is beyond her control at this point and there is a reason, whether it's legitimately a cause for concern, or if it's just some kind of misplaced anxiety, it is real and punishing her isn't going to help.

Have you asked her about how she would feel about a week off to just think about things? Or is trying out another gym a possibility? Even if the coaches have not done anything out of line, every gym and coach is just not a good fit for every gymnast.

If I were in your shoes I would most definitely make her take a week off to regroup and then ask her if she wants to go back, try another gym, or try something else all together. Either way it sounds like she needs some time to think about this.

I'm so sorry you guys are going through this, I know it must be frustrating for everyone involved. Hoping it passes and you have a "good news" update for us next week!

 

[claudidoll]

Is she able to tell you why she is so afraid of them? It's possible that it could be something that happened that has stuck with her, perhaps a day that they were more harsh than normal on her and said something that stuck with her? Kids are funny that way, they don't forget, and they can tend to internalize things like that even if it wouldn't come across as harsh to a parent, it could be a huge deal to them and stay in their head. Maybe there is a skill she is being pushed to do that she is afraid of? It's also possible that they are more tough on them at times where they aren't as visible to the parents.

Would she be comfortable going in for a meeting with the coaches (with you present as well of course) ? Perhaps them talking to her, telling her they have her best interests at heart, etc would make her feel better.

!

The only thing that sticks out would be her saying the coach said , "Do you even want to get your kip?" And she says that they are very picky and mean about how they give corrections.

She had a little talk just her and head coach today and it seemed to go well, lots of positive you are doing great, we really want you here...she went into the gym but 10 min later was back at the door, trying to decide if she should go in and train or go home.

Tomorrow is our last day of summer training, then Wednesday is physical testing, Thursday is a day off and then the team camp which we did register and pay for back in June.

 

[gymdog]

DD is 8, we have been in the team program going on four years now. There are three coaches that she is just scare of. One is her personal coach this summer and the other two are support for her coach.

As far as I can tell they are all lovely and kind and caring, though they are also tough in the gym. None of them want to see her sad or to see her quit the sport.

As for paying for it, we pay Sept-June, so for now not an issue but it will be soon.

Right now I bring her, she gets there, refuses to go in, even hyperventilates when she sees one of them, but still doesn't want to go home.

Today I took her home and told her I need to be her parent and put an end to this, I had thought maybe she really wants to be done but doesn't know how to tell me. We told her that we won't be bringing her back. She was upset for a long time, and eventually came out and said I'm not ready to be done. So we'll try again.

Maybe I'm a sucker

I think you should first try ways of dealing with anxiety. You may need a therapist who specializes in this initially to help support her. Right now she is showing classic symptoms of anxiety and "the pressure is on" because she has to figure out how to deal with it or quit. Most likely if you think this is just garden variety team coaching then this problem will manifest at school or other activities in the future so you may need ways of dealing with it.

 

[mariposa]

I think you should first try ways of dealing with anxiety. You may need a therapist who specializes in this initially to help support her. Right now she is showing classic symptoms of anxiety and "the pressure is on" because she has to figure out how to deal with it or quit. Most likely if you think this is just garden variety team coaching then this problem will manifest at school or other activities in the future so you may need ways of dealing with it.

Yes, this. I have a kid with anxiety and she might desperately want to do something, but when her anxiety kicks in she can't. New levels, any newness (new training group, new skills) and she gets anxious. If you are sure nothing else is going in that could be the cause of her anxiety (coaches actually being mean, mean girls), then you might want to consider anxiety as the issue.

My daughter hasn't seen a therapist or anything, but I got her a book about anxiety and we have discussed different ways to deal with what she's feeling. I gently (and firmly) talked to her about how it is her sport (she's not my gymnast) and she doesn't have to do it. She insisted she likes it and wants to continue, so I said I needed her help and she can't cry all the way to practice, etc. I also don't stay in the building when she first is having transitional issues, I do tell a trusted mom what's going on and I sit in my car. Not seeing me makes it less easy for her to breakdown and freak out when she's having a hard time. We make the car ride fun and light hearted, she picks the music, and she colors or we talk about anything but her class. She's almost 11, so it might not work with a younger kid, but so far, it's worked. It's always a rough transition with anything new she does (or anything in her sport that's new), but usually she gets past it.

She liked this book.
What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety (What to Do Guides for Kids) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1591473144/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_Mp7UxbJJF5HWH

And I found this article helpful.
http://www.gozen.com/49-phrases-to-calm-an-anxious-child/

 

[ladybird]

Yes, this. I have a kid with anxiety and she might desperately want to do something, but when her anxiety kicks in she can't. New levels, any newness (new training group, new skills) and she gets anxious. If you are sure nothing else is going in that could be the cause of her anxiety (coaches actually being mean, mean girls), then you might want to consider anxiety as the issue.

My daughter hasn't seen a therapist or anything, but I got her a book about anxiety and we have discussed different ways to deal with what she's feeling. I gently (and firmly) talked to her about how it is her sport (she's not my gymnast) and she doesn't have to do it. She insisted she likes it and wants to continue, so I said I needed her help and she can't cry all the way to practice, etc. I also don't stay in the building when she first is having transitional issues, I do tell a trusted mom what's going on and I sit in my car. Not seeing me makes it less easy for her to breakdown and freak out when she's having a hard time. We make the car ride fun and light hearted, she picks the music, and she colors or we talk about anything but her class. She's almost 11, so it might not work with a younger kid, but so far, it's worked. It's always a rough transition with anything new she does (or anything in her sport that's new), but usually she gets past it.

She liked this book.
What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety (What to Do Guides for Kids) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1591473144/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_Mp7UxbJJF5HWH

And I found this article helpful.
http://www.gozen.com/49-phrases-to-calm-an-anxious-child/

I can speak from experience. The first book mentioned above is amazing and worked for my dd for things both inside and outside the gym.

 

[claudidoll]

Found the book online, looks amaxing

 

[gracyomalley]

I agree, that's an amazing book for this age group - DD used it some (along with counseling and tons of time...) and I have had many patients find it helpful.

I also agree that this sounds like its not "just about gym", and at age 8, stepping back and working on how to deal with stress and anxiety, with gym being secondary seems the way to go. Is she looking forward to the team camp? Does she still find camps fun, or is she the kind that finds them stressful? Hopefully the fun type....at that age DD loved camps and didn't feel pressure to "show off" but later hated them. She also had performance anxiety with music and school, etc - all, by the way, which is much better now, so there is hope!

I do know that if she is an anxious kid then its often helpful to have the coach take a "when you get your kip this will happen" approach rather than a "none of this can happen until you get your kip" approach...same coaching standard, but world of difference to that kind of kid. For my oldest kid either approach would have been interpreted as exactly the same message "get your kip", but my DD thrived with "when you get..." and fell apart with the second - even when the end result (repeating a level, working drills, sitting out an event, whatever) was exactly the same. For some kids the physical anxiety that comes with feeling an ultimatum paralyzes them - and the coach may not even realize that that is what is being interpreted by the child.

You wouldn't expect an 8 year old to master their times tables faster because they were told they couldn't do such and such if they didn't, you'd drill, figure out different approaches, etc until that particular kid got there - same with learning physical skills for some kids. Now its a completely different story if you DD really doesn't want to do gym - but that would be something you would have noticed over the years already ( my youngest has always been fairly non-commital about gym, never passionate about it but has fun and likes to move - my DD always really loved it, every bit of it, until anxiety hit. DS the younger cries and gets frustrated when he's struggling, but its a whole different level of panic and drama when they really love it but can't at that time figure out how to do it...)

Can you work something out with the gym where you don't have to commit to paying for an entire season until you can help her get to the bottom of the anxiety? I realize comp season is approaching, but pushing her to decide right now, as gymdog mentionned, is likely increasing that anxiety. Also, I guess I'd check with her to make sure there are no issues with the other girls - sometimes even at that age "bullying" (I hate how loosely we use that term) can be going on and if your DD is getting called names, pushed, having turns taken and the coach not intervening that also could be interpreted as a reason to not like the coach...

 

[CuriousCate]

Are you able to stay at practice? We've gone through this with DD in the past. I would stay in the viewing area until she gave me the thumbs up (meaning she was good). A little different for my DD as she had separation issues, not fear of coaches, but it may ease her uncertainty with the coaches if she knows you're close by.

We've done this as well. My DD is 6 1/2 and seems to get nervous everytime a new coach jumps on board (not new to gym but new to her level) . We've made it work with the "stay until I got the thumbs up." Sometimes they just need to know that someone who love them has their back?

 

[Tlynn]

I feel for you. My daughter had a really hard time with a new coach. It turned in to lots of stomach aches, etc for my anxious kid. It was the same time as school starting, and we did a lot of work on her anxiety through books, workbooks, etc. Usually I made a deal that she had to go in and try for 10 minutes, and if she still felt too ill, she could come back out. Most of the time she stayed, but a few times she came back out, and sometimes she refused to go in all together. She got to know the coach, became better friends with the other kids in her group, and it worked itself out in a few months. I am so glad she and I persevered- she is the kind of kid that wouldn't stick with anything without some gentle pushing. However, I do know there are certain coaches that she just probably couldn't handle at all, in which case we would be going to another gym. Before doing that I would be talking to the head coach about moving training groups. Good luck.

 

[Tlynn]

Found the book online, looks amaxing

We liked that book too. Other recommendations are : https://www.amazon.ca/Feelings-Book...&qid=1471982772&sr=1-6&keywords=american+girl
And this is the one that is probably most helpful (a manual and workbook): http://odinbooks.com/index.php?page=viewitem&itemId=7708 and http://odinbooks.com/index.php?page=viewitem&itemId=4649