Parents Negative "motivation" from coaches?

[mai_lin]

Hello all!

I don't post often although I do read!

My level 3 gymnast is trying to work her way back from an injury. She's been on "light duty" for a few months now and is now, hopefully, finishing PT and able to get back to doing what she loves! She's ready on 2/4 events and is hoping to add the last 2 soon. She hasn't been able to tumble so we're hopeful she can get back to it ASAP - its sad watching her friends do what she can't. She hasn't missed practice and is working hard on what she can do.

However, she has had some days when she comes home pretty upset by something one of the 6 coaches in the gym has said to her. They'll accuse her of faking her injury and mention she shouldn't be able to do "X" so she must be faking it. This makes her SO mad and because its happened with 4 of the coaches at various times during her recovery process. I'll be honest that it makes me mad too. I'm not sure what they're trying to get from her by saying those things but I would react just as negatively as my daughter does.

Am I looking at this wrong? Thankfully her main coach has been totally supportive and never said anything to her like that, so she still wants to go to gym and participate but she's formed very negative opinions of the other coaches - most of whom she would have to work with has she moves up.

Thoughts?

 

[Mish]

I have no wise words, just a similar story. When my daughter was coming back from an injury last year one coach in particular had this attitude and accused her of cheating and lying about ability to do skills.My dd (9 at the time) would come home so frustrated and upset. One time she said," why would I not try my hardest, I'm already behind and trying to get my skills back." My wise words to her were to keep trying her hardest, listen to her coaches, but if she felt like cursing that one coach out in her head, I would be OK with that

 

[Dr Maleficent]

My son gave up gymnastics because of this kind of behavior by coaches. If possible would consider new gym.

 

[TumbleTimes4]

I never want to be the mom that interferes with my DDs team and coaches, however I believe that there are times when it’s appropriate to go to bat for your daughter.

Over the summer, my daughter was experiencing lots of anxiety and stomach pain. She loved gymnastics but she would have meltdowns when I dropped her off at practice and was having terrible anxiety and stomach pain. There were some coaching changes that had happened and DD was not responding well to the coaching style.

We set up a meeting with the head coach and made her aware of what DD was experiencing and then simply asked about the changes. We just explained that DD does not respond well to the style of coaching that was being used and simply asked if some adjustments could be made. The head coach was wonderful. She talked with DD’s main coach and together they tweaked the style of coaching to one that DD has responded very well too. The pain and anxiety were gone and DD is doing great and making lots of progress. Every kid is different and responds differently to different coaching styles and they recognized that.

We have found that if there are concerns, we have had lots of success meeting with coaches. We don’t go in to the meeting with demands and accusations, we just explain what we see happening at home, ask if they notice anything at the gym during practice. Sometimes kids can exaggerate or perceive things differently than what’s actually going on, and so we always want to give them the benefit of the doubt and we want their perspective. We’ve then been able to identify the problem and come up with a solution together. I know that we are fortunate to have good coaches that really care about DD and want her to be the best that she can be.

 

[mai_lin]

I have no wise words, just a similar story. When my daughter was coming back from an injury last year one coach in particular had this attitude and accused her of cheating and lying about ability to do skills.My dd (9 at the time) would come home so frustrated and upset. One time she said," why would I not try my hardest, I'm already behind and trying to get my skills back." My wise words to her were to keep trying her hardest, listen to her coaches, but if she felt like cursing that one coach out in her head, I would be OK with that

That's my feeling too - it's not like she WANTS to be hurt. She's trying hard, even doing private sessions to catch up, weekly. I'm hoping it stops soon.

 

[flipping_girls]

I am so sorry. Coming back from an injury is always so hard. It shouldn't be made worse with comments that add to the frustration, but alas it seems to be a common experience. We also have had a similar situation this year with my oldest, who had to have surgery earlier this year. Comments made by coaches questioning the length of her injury heal time were made out of frustration by the coaches, and were taken personally by my daughter.

Eventually the coaches told my daughter that they are not frustrated "with her"... but is frustrated "for her."

For whatever reason, when we (our family) talked about that particular comment, it seemed to help my daughter understand that her coaches care so much about her and her experience in this sport that they are feeling some of similar emotions to my athlete. It didn't make some of the comments right by any means, or the emotions my daughter felt any less real, but it did help get my daughter to a point where she isn't taking comments like that as personally.

I hope your daughter has a wonderful comeback! Wishing you all the best!

 

[cadybearsmommy]

That would really bother me. If it persists, I would suggest a meeting with the coaches and make it very clear that your dd has an injury documented by the doctor and that she is following the doctor's orders in order to make a complete recovery, and to not re-injure herself. Bring all of the documentation (radiology reports, visit summaries, treatment plan, etc) from the doctor and explain that your dd feels like she has to defend her injury to them, when it shouldn't be an issue, as she is doing what the doctor told her to do, and that they should be enforcing that, not questioning it. The last thing you want is them encouraging your daughter to try skills she is not yet recovered enough to do.

If the behavior persists after that, I think I would re-evaulate whether this gym is going to be the best place long term for your daughter. Chances are this won't be your daughter's last injury (it's just a fact of life in gymnastics) and when she is working with different coaches as she progresses, will she have to deal with this every time? It honestly just blows my mind that a coach would think this is ok. Unless they are an MD themselves, they don't need to be questioning doctor's orders and certainly not accuse your daughter of faking! Gymnasts hate being injured, I don't know of any that would fake an injury anyway!

 

[honu]

Do all those coaches work with your DD or are some of these coaches for other levels that know your DD? I am hoping they don't work directly with her, because any coach who works directly with her needs to be fully on board with the doctor's plans. Injuries are frustrating for everyone, but rushing recovery often leads to a longer recovery and more issues. Most importantly your DD needs to be comfortable following her recovery plan. If these coaches do work directly with her, perhaps a reminder of where she is in the recovery process or providing an updated note from the PT that clarifies what is appropriate for her to be doing or not doing at the gym will help. Not at all fair to your DD to have coaches questioning her injury when she is following a doctor's plan.

 

[triplethreat+1]

That would really bother me. If it persists, I would suggest a meeting with the coaches and make it very clear that your dd has an injury documented by the doctor and that she is following the doctor's orders in order to make a complete recovery, and to not re-injure herself. Bring all of the documentation (radiology reports, visit summaries, treatment plan, etc) from the doctor and explain that your dd feels like she has to defend her injury to them, when it shouldn't be an issue, as she is doing what the doctor told her to do, and that they should be enforcing that, not questioning it. The last thing you want is them encouraging your daughter to try skills she is not yet recovered enough to do.

If the behavior persists after that, I think I would re-evaulate whether this gym is going to be the best place long term for your daughter. Chances are this won't be your daughter's last injury (it's just a fact of life in gymnastics) and when she is working with different coaches as she progresses, will she have to deal with this every time? It honestly just blows my mind that a coach would think this is ok. Unless they are an MD themselves, they don't need to be questioning doctor's orders and certainly not accuse your daughter of faking! Gymnasts hate being injured, I don't know of any that would fake an injury anyway!

I agree, it might be a good idea to take in some documentation from the doctor.
Ummm, but I have to totally disagree with the last paragraph here-at least at lower levels (4 & under). And, given that you said the coaches who have made comments aren't her main coaches, they might not know her well enough to gauge whether she is likely to fake it (not that it excuses the comments-they should leave it up to her main coach who knows her and her history best). My DD10, lvl 3/4, has been working through some issues with a PT. Her teacher at school sent me an email questioning whether her story was true (in nicer terms lol). I was slightly offended at first that he would question her, but I realized it was right at the beginning of the school year, he didn't really know her yet (he has since updated that she typically volunteers an alternate when she can't do a specific activity). At gym, her two coaches haven't questioned, but I have updated them regularly. Other kids though (both ones I have seen and ones my DDS have mentioned) have complained about this or that injury, in order to get out of doing some things. These are often kids that are there for the social aspect, at least in part.