Parents Not really sure how to handle...........

[Skye Fernandez]

Ok, some of you may know, my DD is 6, started in January. She is competing xcel bronze this year. She has been progressing fast. We've been having issues with her kind of having a big head lately. Like she basically thinks she doesn't have to listen, doesn't have to stay tight, doesn't have to keep her legs and arms straight, toes pointed etc. Her coach has been especially hard on her lately about it. And last night at practice she got in big trouble. They where on bars. Bars is where she gets a really big head. Coach only wanted to go over part of the bar routine and DD decided to do the whole routine. The coach got mad and grabbed her feet and pulled her off the bar. IDK what DD said but I could tell she had attitude by her body language. Her coach brought her over to me and made her sit out for the rest of bars. We then talked and coach basically told her she she doesn't care how good she is, if she doesn't want to listen and let the coaches run the show than she will be booted from the team. I really dont know how to handle this. IDK why shes having such a bad attitude. Ive also noticed she won't do her full warm up. She'll do part of it but when she sees her coach isn't watching she just chills. I keep asking her if she still wants to do gym and she still claims she loves it. I know being kicked from the team would kill her. Has anyone dealt with a kiddo with a big head? How do you nip this in the bud? I try not to talk about gym with her unless she brings it up because I really dont want to overstep that coach/parent boundary, but I really think it may be time for me to say something to her. I did make DD apologize to her coach last night but other than that I don't really know what else to do, Ive never had these kinds of issues with her before. HELP!

 

[MeetDirector]

Skye -

First of all, she's only 6. I am not saying that to excuse her behavior, but rather to possibly explain that her brain is making new connections and following directions and being respectful are things that she has to learn how to do. Sometimes, we only learn thru the system of negative reward.

Next, what can you do? You can support the coach, period. If the coach imposes a penalty, don't make excuses and don't undermine the coach by saying that the coach is just being "mean". You need to reinforce that her (emphasis on "her") behavior is what is leading to the consequences the coach is handing out. In fact, I might even go so far as to alert the coach that she is slacking when the coach isn't looking. I would communicate to your dd that you are not going to step in and rescue her when the coach punishes her.

Good Luck. Nipping this behavior now will put her on a good path into the future.

 

[Val]

Time for some consequences at home.....same as if she was disrespectful at school.

 

[GymDad9.9]

Where is the "big head" coming from? Who is giving it to her?

 

[Jenny]

Let the coach know you back her up and you can see she is being a problem. Let her know she is slacking when the coach isn't looking. Tell your dd you back the coach. If she gets sat out follow it up with a consequence at home. Tell her that never mind the coach pulling her from the team if she continues to behave badly, you will pull her from the team because you will not accept the attitude. You can even tell her that she is only 6 and maybe she needs to step back for a while until she is old enough to handle it better. If you make a stand now she will probably come round.

 

[LindyHopper]

"Work hard, do your best, and have fun!" seems to be what quite a few gym parents (including me) expect of their gymmies.

Sounds like your DD is focusing on only the 3rd part. If she thinks she's too good to work hard and do her best, she can go back to a recreational program, where the main goal is to have fun, rather than to progress.

If she loves it as much as you think she does, and you know she's "cheating" during warmups and conditioning, I would call her on it. I would tell her that I don't care if she's the best or worst on her team--what I DO care about is her integrity and level of effort. Let her know that what will make you proud is her being honest & respectful and working hard & trying her best. If she can't do that, then she can leave the team and perhaps come back and try again in a year after she grows up a bit.

Maybe that sounds harsh, but I feel that if you set high, yet reasonable and age-appropriate expectations kids will strive to reach them.

 

[SurpriseGymMom]

I coach a LOt of kids this age, mostly in our developmental team.
First, this is not an instance where you will be interfering with the coach/athlete relationship, this is a situation where you have a chance to strengthen that! realizing there is a problem and following through with it at home (backing up the coach) is absolutely the way to go here. I bring up attitude and effort problems to parents all the time because that's an area where we need to work together as a team to get the best results. Not listening in gym or doing things/not doing things you're supposed to go beyond simply not paying attention or "being 6", it's a safety issue. My DD learned one of those in a harsh way when she was a L4... Coach told her to do such and such bar skill, DD took it upon herself to keep going to something else which the coach was not prepared or set up properly to spot, DD fell off the bars quite spectacularly and sprained her elbow badly (we all thought it was broken!). Out of gym and no bars for 6wks, took a long time to come back from. So not listening and doing skills other than what your coach asked for is NOT SAFE! I know YOU know, but that needs to be communicated very clearly to your DD.
I would not hesitate at all to let your DD know you support the coach 100% and that you agree with her not being able to do team if she doesn't shape up. Talk to the coach and see if you can come up with a plan, and be ruthless enforcing it (as in sitting her out the instant she isn't listening or cops an attitude). Never ever interfere when your DD is actually out on the floor (no matter how awful her behaviour, let the coach deal with it) but follow through after and at home, as well as let the coach know you see the issue and want to be proactive about it. Hope that made sense, it's early and coffee hasn't quite kicked in yet..!

 

[Faith]

Support the coach, and never praise your child for being good, winning, being better than suzie, having x or y skill.

Always praise the process. "I saw you working hard tonight", "i saw you listening and trying to do what the coach said". "Well done at the comp today, you can see you've been working hard in practice".

Other than that it will work itself out. She's 6. I used to point out to mine that they didn't pick the best kids to move up, or compete, they picked the ones who worked hard.

Eventually she will watch kids working hard getting better than her. She'll either work to keep up, or stay having fun but not getting as far as she might. That's up to her.

 

[Skye Fernandez]

Thank you everyone. I definitely don't think anyone is being too harsh. I had told her before practice that i would take her to get ice cream after practice. But since she acted that way than Ice Cream was taken away from her. My husband also reiterated to her when we got home, that DD didn't have to worry about the coach pulling her from the team, if he heard about her behaving like this again he was going to pull her from the team. Also she likes going to open gym and the trampoline park quite a bit. I told her until I see an improvement in her attitude towards her coaches, and during practice i wouldn't be taking her anymore. I will talk to the coach on Monday. I think she feels like I'm not backing her up because I didn't say much when she was talking to us. I was honestly in shock though. I've never seen her act like that. im really hoping that last night was the kick in the butt she needed.

 

[CuriousCate]

Always praise the process. "I saw you working hard tonight", "i saw you listening and trying to do what the coach said". "Well done at the comp today, you can see you've been working hard in practice".
QUOTE]

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this 100%.

There were several 6 and 7 year olds on my DD's level 2 last season and even a few 5 year olds. I don't always think it's an age thing to be honest, because most kids stayed on course and paid attention. The two girls who did not ended up with very different fates form each other. One child's mom handled it well, like you are. Recognizing that he kiddo was not listening and showing off and supporting the coach when he/she makes her sit out. That child got her act together quickly and did awesome and is still around. The other child's mom took issue with the coaches every time her DD was asked to sit out, shouting about her being young and them not recognizing the limits of age, and her paying them to train her child, not for her kiddo to sit out. Needless to say, they moved gyms (2 or 3 times I think) and the same issue kept arising. I'm not sure where they are now, but that was talent wasted IMO.

Just let your DD know that while gym is supposed to be fun, you are there to work hard and pay attention. Tell her that they will ask her to leave the team if she won't do this, because that is likely the case. She's old enough to understand that and make a choice

 

[CuriousCate]

sorry - your reply came in while I was writing mine - looks like you and your hubs have already had the necessary talk! Good for you.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I let my kids teacher deal with any issues in school.

I let the coach, coach and deal with things in gym.

I would never double punish my kid.

I would however chat with her about consequences at school or gym. And I would be very clear, I won't be fixing it for her. I would brainstorm on what she could do to fix it herself though. And catch her doing good and talking that up.

 

[sce]

She is young, so may have trouble connecting how the hard work renders results in gym. It would be good to talk to her about respect. How in any area, if someone is teaching us we need to listen to them in order to learn. As well, explain to her that she is hurting her gymnastics by not doing all of her conditioning. Once she understands these things, it's her choice to do them or face the consequences, ie not improve or even be removed from team. Also, please know it's normal for kids to struggle with these things. She is learning life lessons.

 

[rosiekat]

I think sometimes it's hard for the talented kids to understand the level of dedication and work that is necessary. Particularly when they're young, they haven't had to work overly hard to gain a skill (for example), but were able to work some at it and poof, there it was. As skills get harder, they won't learn them so quickly, and that's where the hard work, perseverance, etc. will really come into play. DS is 8 and he is really talented, but he also has a stubborn personality. He's gotten a ton better over the last year and a half, but when he first began team, he didn't really understand why he had to work on mushroom circles when what he wanted to do was high bar. His very first day on team, coach had them warming up on tramp and was giving them specific skills. My guy decides that he wants to add on a flip or something, and promptly gets hollered at for not doing what the coach said. So far, most things come to him relatively easily, but with more experience, he has seen how "even" he has to work harder at some skills. Thankfully he's not bigheaded about his abilities - more realistic - he can see that he's generally the quickest learner and is the best at a lot of skills, it doesn't take someone to tell him that. But he's just as happy when his teammates make progress, or score well at meets. In fact, he placed 1st AA at his very first meet, only to go the second one and make 2 major mistakes. I was dreading having a kid with a crappy attitude the rest of the day, but instead he acknowledged his mistakes, said he was happy for so-and-so, and was happy his team placed first.

I really agree with the people who've said to praise hard work, perseverance, etc. - emphasize the things that you think have true value not just for the gym but for her life. It's awesome she's talented, and that will help in some ways, but it makes it that much more important for her to learn these skills.

 

[my4buffaloes]

I let my kids teacher deal with any issues in school.

I let the coach, coach and deal with things in gym.

I would never double punish my kid.

I would however chat with her about consequences at school or gym. And I would be very clear, I won't be fixing it for her. I would brainstorm on what she could do to fix it herself though. And catch her doing good and talking that up.

So when do you step in and be the parent? Kids can't raise themselves - well they could but it usually doesn't end well. Parents have a responsibility to help raise their children, not only let the other adults in the child's life handle it. I have spent many years working with children as well as being a parent. Having support from home is key to raising well behaved, smart, respectful children.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

So when do you step in and be the parent? Kids can't raise themselves - well they could but it usually doesn't end well. Parents have a responsibility to help raise their children, not only let the other adults in the child's life handle it. I have spent many years working with children as well as being a parent. Having support from home is key to raising well behaved, smart, respectful children.

Seriously, you don't need to explain how to parent to me. I too have spent many years "raising" children. I raised my brother, now 49 after our Mom died, co-parented my 32 yr old goddaughter, my 23 year old stepson who we had joint physical custody of. They are all smart, well behaved respectful children now adults. And now I am parenting my soon to be 11 yr old, who so far is; smart, hard working, respectful and a host of other wonderful things.

My kids get plenty of love, support, and guidance. I make sure to set expectations and make them accountable. So you don't have to worry your pretty little head about it. You can also drop the condenscending tone.

Why would you give more consequences to a child who has already been given consequences.

If my kid doesn't do her homework, she loses recess. That is consequence for not doing homework. Why on earth would I pile on more. I support her by letting her learn her actions have consequences. And guess what it works. She leaned that lesson way back in first grade. She hates losing recess so she does her work.

If the coach made her sit out, that was the consequence. It was handled. No need to pile on more. If she gets booted from the team that would be the natural consequence for bad behavior. So I would work with her an improving her behavior, and the importance of listening to her coach, not piling on more consequences. That is being a supportive parent.

I tend to provide learning opprortunities and consequences. I help with solutions.

 

[CuriousCate]

I agree with both Deleted member 18037 and my4buffaloes. I let the teachers and coaches deal with things and I would not double punish for gym because, really, it is her choice to do gym . I would explain that if the behavior keeps up that she may be asked to leave. I'd also explain that if the behavior keeps up, I won't be willing to keep taking her (or paying! But I try and leave money out of conversations w my 6yo!).

Now with school, if you goof off, don't pay attention, don't do your homework, well then I would enact something at home like a no TV/screen time rule, etc until reports of improved behavior. IMO trying your best in school is simply not optional, so I would choose to step in.

 

[GYM0M]

Getting an attitude with an authority figure is never acceptable and there will be consequences at home.

 

[MrsAnderson]

Mine also would get consequences at home. The coach may give consequences for not obeying in the gym but MY consequences would come from disobeying MY rule that we are respectful human beings. The teacher may give consequences for not turning in homework but MY consequence comes from breaking the 'homework first' rule we may have at home.

 

[MeetDirector]

Mine also would get consequences at home. The coach may give consequences for not obeying in the gym but MY consequences would come from disobeying MY rule that we are respectful human beings. The teacher may give consequences for not turning in homework but MY consequence comes from breaking the 'homework first' rule we may have at home.

LIKE x 1000!!!

I would absolutely impose a consequence at home (and have done so). She survived and only behaved that way one time. It absolutely reinforced how important the right behavior is.