WAG DD wants to quit:(

[L5mw]

Hello All. I am a mom to a wonderful daughter who is practicing a level six with optionals this year. Over the summer she had mentioned wanting a break - and we didn't give her one. The coaches are always so against it. She has been complaining and dreading going to gym the last several weeks. Here is some background. She has done gym since she was three. However, she didn't start competing until she was ten. This will be her first year with her own floor routine which she always seems excited about. For the most part everything came easy to her, she worked hard though - don't get me wrong. She was homeschooled and this was the first year she went to a school. This school is pretty physically demanding as they are outside for at least half of the day (environmental focus) so I think that might have something to do with it. Also she is not a fan of going in on Saturdays for gym. She is just plain tired and sore. She is not getting any sympathy from her coach and they say the 16 hours shouldn't be too much for her. She took first in state at level five last year and she has a great deal of talent. I don't know if people are telling her she spends too much time in gym or that she should try other things - I do think its possible. My husband thinks shes fearful that she won't do as well this next year since she basically skipped one level (had one competition at l6 which is now the new l5) and moved into the new level 6 with optionals. When I try to speak with her she says she just isn't enjoying it and it doesn't work with her schedule at school (pull her out 15 min early) and she wants to try dance or cheer. Both myself and my husband think she wants to do these other things because she knows she would be a rockstar. Here is just a bit more about her. She has dyslexia and will probably struggle in school/college; shes come a long way but things are hard for her. Gymnastics is one thing she excels at. She has so much confidence from gymnastics and I know some of it will carry with her through life and all it throws at you but not many people re really good at a lot of things. She is really good at this sport. Coaches are not for us having a vacation either because its one meet after another meet - all to get ready for another meet - then states. What do I do to encourage her to stick with it? Do I check into the only other gym we have around here to see if coaching style could be part of it? (she is scared of her coach - most of the girls say they are - The coach is straight forward and tells it like it is - shes not mean) Any other advice coaches, moms and gymnasts welcome

 

[Natasha]

How old is she?

 

[L5mw]

She is twelve.

 

[Natasha]

Normally this time of year I would attribute it to adjusting to school/gym schedule, but since she was saying she was wanting a break during the summer, that changes things. Did she also say during the summer that she wasn't enjoying it? Are there any particular skills she is having difficulty or fear issues with? How long of a break was she asking for?

 

[L5mw]

She didn't say she wasn't enjoying it over the summer but she saw some of the girls take a break, some came back and some didn't. She was having a fear on beam with her back hand spring but that is gone. She just does it like nothing. Bars are difficult for her. She is having problems with one element on them. Floor she's awesome at and vault shes pretty good at too. She was asking for two weeks for a break. Our gym will not prorate for team girls, so we would be throwing away a good chunk of money for the time off. If she took a month she would miss a meet or two - nothing that would keep her from states though (thats if they let her come back..) Hard to take breaks when they are gearing up for meets and learning the routines. If she goes back a level then that's an entire new routine to learn. Ultimately I want her to be a happy girl, I just don't want her to regret something like this.

 

[fliptwisttwirl]

Give her a break. Maybe that's what she needs to fall in love with it again. Or maybe she really is just done. If she's twelve though she should have a lot of say in this choice. If she's miserable it's not worth it. You probably didn't put her in gymnastics for her to win. It was probably so she could have fun. And if she's not having fun..then it's probably time for something to change. Best of luck for a happy girl whatever the decision is.

 

[SignHere]

Twelve is just the age when a lot of girls decide to quit. Friends , boys, other activities, and it seems like it's too much time in the gym.

It's hard, though, because you don't want them to make a decision they will regret. Any chance coach will let her take a day off here and there? Just to ease the transition to the new school? ESP Sat practice?

 

[sglemon]

When my dd decided to quit, which was just last month, she told me, "mom, I am just so tired of being sore and tired all the time". How can you dispute that? She left to dance, but has been dancing for 6 years already, so she knew exactly what she was getting into. On a whim, she also picked up travel soccer and is really enjoying the team aspect of the sport, something she struggled with at gymnastics.

I think you all need to sit down and really talk about it. Don't judge and don't assume how she feels about it. She needs to know she can be completely open and not make either of you mad.

I have always been a huge supporter of letting my kids try anything they want, whether 4 tennis lesson for a Bday gift, to a year commitment to cheer. Sometimes, they tried something different every year.

Now that my dd is a month out from the gym, she hasn't regretted her decision or wanted to set foot back in the gym. I can't even get her to go to a tumbling class. But, she is extremely happy. After both of my girls quit gymnastic, it was like a big weight came off their shoulders. They are enjoying their friends more, and are able to be in involved in more school activities, like student council and spring musicals. Stuff they would have never had time for while in gymnastics

 

[Deleted member 14190]

Would that bar element be a FLYAWAY by any chance?

 

[SurpriseGymMom]

12 is so difficult! It does seem like an age when lots of girls quit activities, serious activities that they previously lived for. I have no real advice, just wanted to offer my sympathy. As hard as it is, it is their life and if they're no longer happy with their very time consuming choice.... Then perhaps it's time to let them take some time off. I do have a 12 yo who is doubting her choices right now and I'm making her fulfill her commitments and continuously making sure she knows what consequences her choices will have. Right now she's sticking with it but who is to say what next year will bring? I do know from other parents that 12 is a hard year, one that many are amazed that their dds in the end chose to continue and press on with their sport... Good news is they seem to come out of it with renewed focus and passion.
If it were me.... I'd be very tempted to let her take a few days or a week off, call it sick, call it whatever, and let her simply BE for a couple of days and see if a little breather can make her refocus and clarify what she wants. If she truly wants to quit, make sure she knows the consequences ... I don't really know what those are for gym, but for dance, it's the difference of making it into a college program etc and taking time off or going to a lesser studio with less training could be a make it or break it thing.

Good luck, and when you figure out 12 yo girls.... Let me know,cause I can certainly use some tips!

 

[iwannacoach]

The kid neeeeds a break. If she's been on team for two years and a 16 hr week is wearing her down...... well I don't think a 16 hr week is going to make a kid too tired to enjoy the sport. While reading I got the impression she's worn out by the first or second practice of the week....... that's emotional fatigue, and it won't go away with a few days off, and then back to the grind.

Ask her, if she'll cooperate with a clear head, what it will take to get her life in order.... as she wants it to be.... and still remain involved with gymnastics on a team level. Honestly, it may not be possible, because my sense tells me you have to help her reverse what she's feeling. I bet it feels a little like this.......

She's done gymnastics since she was three. Maybe it doesn't matter to her that it's just been the last two years of being on team. Possibly she has memories of times when she chose to miss something so she could go to the gym, and now she realizes she missed more than she knew. Above that is the notion that *now* she isn't choosing to miss those things..... she just gets told she has to be there to keep her training up. So she may feel she's being squeezed by two opposing forces..... the loss of choice, and a sense that she can and wants to do other things.

The relatively sudden about face on her part fits in real well with your description of how the summer transitioned into school. She hoped to get some time off, and in past years she probably would have. I'll bet that not being able to get some time off was a huge wake up call for her, and what alarmed her the most is her realization she was becoming a product of what she has done, instead of being a product of her dreams and desires.

Here's something to ponder. It's a celebration at the conclusion of an ongoing conversation I've had many times over my years of working with kids. Although the emphasis then was to help the child remain a part of the team, the same argument works in the opposite direction because it pursues reality......

.......You hopefully won your mom over by adding genuine thoughts about what the sport means to you. I spent a fair amount of time thinking about what gymnastics has done for me, and considered them with you in mind. I think the greatest good comes in learning how to constructively pursue a passion, because it's easy to do extraordinary things when your heart pulls you along for the ride.

The greater benefit...... going through the process of pursuing a passion, teaches that you can do exceptional things by committing all your energy, even when those things are outside your sphere of interest. That self image and experience will be valuable when you move on to a good university and run into course work that needs to be done to get the degree you want. That may be part of what your mother considered....

So back to reversing this. You first should understand that she may have gone too long without protest, and will just stand firm about wanting to quit. If she has something left to get from the sport she will probably go along with an arrangement that gives her time to do the things she's expressed interest in, as well as keeping her in contact with gymnastics at a level approximate to her present work. Her present coach may not go along with it, and don't be surprised if the coach say's she won't be allowed to return to the team once she decides she wants to be a committed gymnast if she has her way. So let your daughter know this could lead to a change in clubs.

Here's a good opening offer addressed to Suzie, the epic example of a child with an issue........

So Suzie, I'm thinking you need to cut back on your gym schedule until June, and I want to know what you think of cutting out two days each week. And I want to give you the right to take any summer week of your choosing to do what ever you want, like just hanging out with your friends, going on vacation with your best friend and her family. We also want you to take another week off that the coach gets to choose, and that's when we'll plan our family vacation.

You've said you want to quit, and I want to believe you've thought this through and understand all your options. Ya see, it's a lot easier to hang in there for eight months trying to figure things out than it is to try going back after being away and then find out you're so far behind that you'll spend the next two years catching up. I really want to do what's right for you, but I'm just not there yet when it comes to walking away when your future in the sport looks so bright, and maybe you're not truly there yet either. Let's do the eight month thing and if you still want to quit, I'll make sure it's the best quit in the history of........

Well, maybe not that, but something along those lines. Really, you started this with the hope of getting some ideas to help you through it. Now all you gotta do is figure out what fits and takes you where you want to go.

 

[Kiwi]

Over the summer she had mentioned wanting a break - and we didn't give her one. ... She was asking for two weeks for a break.

Wow - compare a two week break with quitting for good! That's ridiculous! Think about it - if you were a coach, would you rather have a gymnast take a two week break or quit for good?

My DD asked for a break from gymnastics towards the end of the competition season just gone. She didn't want to quit, she just felt 'gymmed out'. I told her she could have a week off and then reassess how she felt. I would have given her a second week off if she had felt she needed it, but after one week off she said she was ready to go back. I was glad my DD felt able to ask for what she needed, and I think she felt happy about having that choice.

It sounds like your DD really needs a break, with no pressure. In her mind she may feel that what was once a choice has become like a job, something she feels like she must do, and she may feel like she doesn't have 'control' of her life. I woudn't want her to rush into quitting outright, because she might regret it later. Talk to the coaches, but if they are that rigid, it might be worth checking out if there are other suitable gyms.

 

[coachmolly]

Let her have a break, even if it's just a week, to show her that gymnastics is her choice and to prove to herself whether or not this is something she wants to stick with. Open the door for a periodic day off if she chooses to continue- a night to just do homework, a Saturday off to hang out with friends (or just sleep in), or a few days off to go on a short vacation. She's 12, she doesn't need to feel like gymnastics is a job that she's being forced into, she needs to know it's her thing and her choice.
I understand your concern about her regretting her decision to quit, but just allowing a week off doesn't mean she'll quit. It just means you're open to discussing her options. Help remind her what she loves about gym, what she hopes to learn from it, and maybe help set some goals for the season or work out what might be bugging her- a disagreement with the coach, a fear of a skill, fear of not doing well. If there is a deeper, more pressing issue beyond just wanting to try other things, it would be best to get to the bottom of that and try to work it out.
Best wishes! Let us know how it goes.

 

[OzZee]

She has gone from homeschooling to regular school, that is a major change, greatly increased hours, emotional pressure of such a large peer group, getting used to a different environment.
It sounds like after that she needs some downtime to process the new school environment, instead she goes to gym, she's tired and spent and not ready for 4 hours of training.
That's sad that her coaches won't let her take a week or two's break, or do a reduced couple day a week schedule for a few weeks till she adjusts/makes a decision. With their attitude she is very likely to quit, but if she could just pull away a bit I think she'd likely change her mind.

 

[rjb123]

When I was a child, I was a competitive figure skater. Different than gym, but very similar. LOOONNNG hours of training, six days (or seven) a week. It was physically and emotionally demanding. Being in a sport like gymnastics or skating is just so DIFFERENT from other sports like soccer or basketball. It is subjective and just so personal in a way that a team sport is not. That is a great thing, but when you are feeling "down" about it, that can be a very bad thing. I remember at around your DD's same age feeling like I was just "done". I had been doing the sport seriously (20+ hours a week) since age 7, and I was just done. My parents did a great thing for me. They said that my only "job" was to go to school and to be a kid. Skating was NOT to be a job, it was supposed to be a passion, a love of mine. I took a week/ ten days off, and then went back at a slightly modified schedule for a week or two. And I took that time to figure out that yes, it WAS still a love of mine. It WAS still my passion. And I continued on, back to my regular schedule.
My biggest fear for my DD is that the gym (now her "happy place"- better than Disney she says!) would ever become her "job". I agree that you don't want a child to quit and regret it, but you also don't want to do it because they feel they "should". I think that when something is your "love" or passion, it never really goes away. I still (at almost 40!!) just yearn to be on the ice. I crave it. I have days where I would just love to be there- with the cold, the smells, the feeling of it all. I don't have much time to do it, but I still try to sneak away and get my time on the ice. To me, that is what I want gym to be for my daughter. A happy place- somewhere she just loves to go.

 

[juststartingout]

I also think it's time for her to have a break before she decides to quit all together. I don't know how comfortable you are with the coach but I would meet with her and explain that your daughter has had a lot of changes lately and needs a wk or two to regroup. If she is hesitant to give her the break explain to her that you feel that if your daughter doesn't get this break she may quit for good. Hopefully she will be supportive. I also have a daughter who has challenges in school. I think this also plays a part in things because they are usually mentally exhausted from trying to keep up in school. So while 16 hours may not be too much for most children, it may be for others. She may only be wanting to quit because right now it would be her only chance of getting the break she desperately wants.

 

[monkeygymnast]

hi.
My DD is 10years old and L7 and i am coaching gymnastics.

My DD had same situation before. And i made mistake for her. I didn't listen well her. I didn't give her brake. She was afraid her HD coach, and I didn't listen her, and what happen. She had over stress, couldn't breath well constantly.
I watched her and finally i talked her HD coach.
But not much change.
Now she wants to switch gym, new coach, fresh start.
She said she still love gymnastics but afraid her coach.

Please listen to her, they are young but they have a lot of things in their mind.
Gymnastics is not the only thing in the life.
She talks to you, because she trusts you.
Please don't break her hart.
Everything happens reason.

Good luck to you and your DD !!

 

[L5mw]

Would that bar element be a FLYAWAY by any chance?

No it's not the flyaway. It's one of the handstands - not the cast to handstand - that she can't get. She is very competitive too. Her dad thinks she may be feeling like she will not be successful at the new level six. I do know she is tired and should take a rest. She has new things that have changed her life and she is still adjusting (school and homework) to them, then feeling down about not achieving a skill that is so close to being achieved has her drained. Phyically and emotionally. If she takes a break I think we will do it the beginning of October.

 

[L5mw]

I also think it's time for her to have a break before she decides to quit all together. I don't know how comfortable you are with the coach but I would meet with her and explain that your daughter has had a lot of changes lately and needs a wk or two to regroup. If she is hesitant to give her the break explain to her that you feel that if your daughter doesn't get this break she may quit for good. Hopefully she will be supportive. I also have a daughter who has challenges in school. I think this also plays a part in things because they are usually mentally exhausted from trying to keep up in school. So while 16 hours may not be too much for most children, it may be for others. She may only be wanting to quit because right now it would be her only chance of getting the break she desperately wants.

Thanks. I think she does still like the sport. I'm going to think things over and talk to my hubby so we can go talk to the coach. She is just wanting a vacation I think. It has become like a job to her. She sees other kids that get entire seasons off and this sport doesn't allow it. It also seem that two years ago when we did take a family vacation she came back better and stronger.

 

[L5mw]

The kid neeeeds a break. If she's been on team for two years and a 16 hr week is wearing her down...... well I don't think a 16 hr week is going to make a kid too tired to enjoy the sport. While reading I got the impression she's worn out by the first or second practice of the week....... that's emotional fatigue, and it won't go away with a few days off, and then back to the grind.

Ask her, if she'll cooperate with a clear head, what it will take to get her life in order.... as she wants it to be.... and still remain involved with gymnastics on a team level. Honestly, it may not be possible, because my sense tells me you have to help her reverse what she's feeling. I bet it feels a little like this.......

She's done gymnastics since she was three. Maybe it doesn't matter to her that it's just been the last two years of being on team. Possibly she has memories of times when she chose to miss something so she could go to the gym, and now she realizes she missed more than she knew. Above that is the notion that *now* she isn't choosing to miss those things..... she just gets told she has to be there to keep her training up. So she may feel she's being squeezed by two opposing forces..... the loss of choice, and a sense that she can and wants to do other things.

The relatively sudden about face on her part fits in real well with your description of how the summer transitioned into school. She hoped to get some time off, and in past years she probably would have. I'll bet that not being able to get some time off was a huge wake up call for her, and what alarmed her the most is her realization she was becoming a product of what she has done, instead of being a product of her dreams and desires.

Here's something to ponder. It's a celebration at the conclusion of an ongoing conversation I've had many times over my years of working with kids. Although the emphasis then was to help the child remain a part of the team, the same argument works in the opposite direction because it pursues reality......

.......You hopefully won your mom over by adding genuine thoughts about what the sport means to you. I spent a fair amount of time thinking about what gymnastics has done for me, and considered them with you in mind. I think the greatest good comes in learning how to constructively pursue a passion, because it's easy to do extraordinary things when your heart pulls you along for the ride.

The greater benefit...... going through the process of pursuing a passion, teaches that you can do exceptional things by committing all your energy, even when those things are outside your sphere of interest. That self image and experience will be valuable when you move on to a good university and run into course work that needs to be done to get the degree you want. That may be part of what your mother considered....

So back to reversing this. You first should understand that she may have gone too long without protest, and will just stand firm about wanting to quit. If she has something left to get from the sport she will probably go along with an arrangement that gives her time to do the things she's expressed interest in, as well as keeping her in contact with gymnastics at a level approximate to her present work. Her present coach may not go along with it, and don't be surprised if the coach say's she won't be allowed to return to the team once she decides she wants to be a committed gymnast if she has her way. So let your daughter know this could lead to a change in clubs.

Here's a good opening offer addressed to Suzie, the epic example of a child with an issue........

So Suzie, I'm thinking you need to cut back on your gym schedule until June, and I want to know what you think of cutting out two days each week. And I want to give you the right to take any summer week of your choosing to do what ever you want, like just hanging out with your friends, going on vacation with your best friend and her family. We also want you to take another week off that the coach gets to choose, and that's when we'll plan our family vacation.

You've said you want to quit, and I want to believe you've thought this through and understand all your options. Ya see, it's a lot easier to hang in there for eight months trying to figure things out than it is to try going back after being away and then find out you're so far behind that you'll spend the next two years catching up. I really want to do what's right for you, but I'm just not there yet when it comes to walking away when your future in the sport looks so bright, and maybe you're not truly there yet either. Let's do the eight month thing and if you still want to quit, I'll make sure it's the best quit in the history of........

Well, maybe not that, but something along those lines. Really, you started this with the hope of getting some ideas to help you through it. Now all you gotta do is figure out what fits and takes you where you want to go.

Oh my goodness!! I love what you said. In fact you sound like a couselor. Thank you thank you!!! I will be rereading this post until I have gleaned all the advice I can from it. I really hope she will agree to this. As a coach with the season right around the corner how do you feel about a gymnast taking a two week break? I don't want to lose our coach and change gyms but I would if thats what it takes. Our coach is a level ten herself and very disciplined. Not an emotional sort. My dd is a fun loving, feely sort. I know she wouldn't go back to just rec classes because they are too below what she can do and she'd be bored.

I want to make sure I understand what you meant here. Are you saying ask her coach about taking time off or cutting back team hours? ----
So back to reversing this. You first should understand that she may have gone too long without protest, and will just stand firm about wanting to quit. If she has something left to get from the sport she will probably go along with an arrangement that gives her time to do the things she's expressed interest in, as well as keeping her in contact with gymnastics at a level approximate to her present work. Her present coach may not go along with it, and don't be surprised if the coach say's she won't be allowed to return to the team once she decides she wants to be a committed gymnast if she has her way. So let your daughter know this could lead to a change in clubs.