Parents Developing Team Friends

[lilmisssunshine]

I'm just curious...How long was your child in gymnastics before he/she started to develop good relationships? My son joined the pre-team 2 months ago, but all (or most) of the other boys had been on pre-team since September. So right now, my son still feels like a bit of an outsider. I know it's going to get better with time, but I'm wondering how much time.

 

[MILgymFAM]

My ODD has been to a number of gyms. The first one she made friends near immediately. Within a week. The second gym she didn't make any friends at all in the five weeks she attended. Third gym made friends within the week. Fourth gym, where she was a guest for about six weeks, no friends- but then she wasn't a part of the gym. Fifth- and current, gym it took close to two months for the girls to welcome her fully. My YDD first gym was immediate (might have been gym culture- everyone was welcoming to everyone, all the time). YDDs second (current) gym took about a month, but that was mostly my DD being self conscious as she was trying a new sport.

There is a hidden formula to how quick they will make friends and feel at home. It includes the gymmies personality, the gym culture, the personalities of the other kids, the coaches, and how much down time they have to interact. It will eventually happen for most kids. It's hard and frustrating for the kids and parents, but as long as no bullying or anything (we dealt with that at ODDs new gym at first) you have to let it happen organically.

 

[beachgirl]

This happened when my daughter joined the team. After a month of no real friends I asked her which girl she liked the best and invited that girl to lunch after a Saturday practice. We slowly worked our way to inviting each girl in her group to an activity. It didn't take long before all of the girls were great friends. We also made sure to invite new girls as they joined the group. Now she's at a new gym that's much farther from our house and I'm trying to figure out when it will be okay to start trying to make new friends.

 

[Dr Maleficent]

It can take a while- each time a new boy joins the group at DS's gym it takes a few months for the group dynamics to adjust and for them all to be friends, but this is because it is a small group that train intensively and have been together for years.

For your DS, in a group that have been together for a much shorter time and are younger, I would expect that he will soon settle in.

We also invited all the boys to an activity which helped hugely with my DS's integration. Good luck to your DS- I'm sure he will make some great friends soon.

 

[2G1B]

When my son first moved to team he was moved up at basically the start of the season. so all of the boys had been working out together for more than half a year and he definitely started out the season not feeling totally a part of the team. By the end of the season he had one kid who was one of his BFFs for several years (until that kid quit gymnastics and DS moved to a different gym, then they grew apart).

My older DD came into a group of girls who had already competed 1-2 seasons together and DD was doing her first year competing. On that team she definitely never fit in quite as much, there was definitely the team already built and the girls didn't seem interested in someone new. When we changed gyms (same one mentioned above for DS) DD again was coming into a team that had girls who had been together for years; but this time she made some great friends within a few months.

I really think it partly depends on the kids on the team and also the gym environment. Give it time, hopefully it will work out.

 

[needcoffee]

My dd has moved around the levels and groups so much that she doesn't really have any strong friendships. The group she is in now she has been with for 2 months and are a lovely group of girls and they are all very friendly, but have been together for 3+ years, so I do on occasion see a bit of cliqueness come through.

TBH though, she's been shoved around so much that if they decide to move her from this group (possible in a few weeks after comps finish, they're all going to 6 and she will most likely stay in 5) I may be done with gym. She is finally really happy with her coach and is actually progressing, I don't think she will cope with another change. I've actually lost count of the amount of coaches and team mates she's had I the last 18 months. I stopped counting after coach number 5.

 

[xxStumpyxx]

My daughter made a new friend the very same night this girl joined, they seemed to click, they hare roughly the same height and very close in age, roughly 5 weeks between them. These two are very close, they hug all the time, always chatting in the changing rooms after practice and are usually the last two out. These two always work hard in gym and are never chatty inside the gym.

 

[munchkin3]

DD made friends within the first week.... DS also made friends quickly, BUT girls and boys are different...
Girls like sleepovers and texting and talking, while the guys just hang out and talk at practice.
DS does not really want to have guys over, or text in any real way. I think he got together for the first time with some friends out of the gym only recently.

 

[lilmisssunshine]

Thanks all! It's just hard to see your kid standing apart from the group, but I also know what it's like to be kind of shy. I think perhaps age and ability are a difficult factor in our case. We homeschool and my son generally hangs out with kids a few years older and doesn't have much sense of who his age-peers are. So he's attracted to the kids who are a little older, who might view him as "too young", but then my son looks at the kids around his own age and thinks they're "too young" for him. lol.

Inviting kids to play is a good idea. I'll keep an eye out for potential friends and make an effort.

 

[Flyaway]

That's rough. My dd and her team didn't really gel until we started meets. Traveling, eating together, etc really helped build relationships.

 

[l.c.o]

Good luck!

When DD recently switched gyms back to her original gym (after several years away), she knew a couple of girls, but they were all very welcoming. DD got along great with them right away, and she immediately felt at home.

With DS, he went from re-entering a rec program to preteam to team within 10 months (after three years of on and off rec gym) it took a bit for him to find his place, but he's thriving now. He's very outgoing and likes to be the center of attention.

I find it more difficult to schedule things with the boys, as they tend to fly out of the gym right after practice, and they don't seem quite as committed to gym as the girls yet (granted, these are brand new level 4 boys looking toward their first season). Lots of leaving early for hockey, soccer, etc (my son is no exception, he's left early a couple of times for baseball games).

 

[gracyomalley]

DD was in a hot shot group from when she was about 5 - and the girls she trained with from then on have remained her closest friends - her previous gym's HC was a big stickler about how the girls treated each other, and it was a relatively small program (maxed out with about 40 kids on team). She has had other girls she really bonded with over the years, but those girls are still her besties - which is a little hard because now at 12-14 yo, many of them have moved on from gym or not stayed together in training groups. The new (last summer) gym is twice as big and has a lot more teen and tween aged kids, so lots more drama...but after she left gym for 3 months she initially came back for the friends, but has stayed back in the gym because she wants to "finish what she started", and although she is still MUCH happier if she gets to train with a bestie, her BFF quit this week and she misses her, cried over it, but didn't spend a moment thinking about quitting too. (I was half sure she would). So, long story short, even the girls end up being there for themselves and not the friends as they hit levels 8-10.

For my boys its been much different - we also homeschool, but I am sure that because they all do gym semi-together, the need for friends at gym is less so. (In fact part of why DD went back and fought to get through so much last year was she liked being a gymnast with her bros...) For my oldest who started competitive gym at almost 11, he had "gym friendly acquaintances" from the first comp season but only real friends I'd say this last 18 months. And yes they do hang out outside of gym about 2 times per year, and text perhaps 5 texts to DDs 97,000....but they are true "guy friends". My younger boy started having real gym friends at about age 8 I'd say. He does do more outside of gym with them - they like to go to open gym together where they mostly mess around making forts, etc. He started competing L4 at age 6, so I'd say it took a couple years...

Also, in retrospect, I think for my boys and the boys I know outside of my family (I'm a peds doc), boys don't make close friends young like girls do - in general.

I do think that competing really helps them make friends and I still like it when our team does little meets where several levels can compete together (not just because then there's a chance I don't have to sit through 2 whole sessions) because they support each other and we usually try to go out to lunch or dinner as a team before our 3-6 drive back to our little town. Your boy started right in the middle - when school starts my guess is some new boys will come and some will go - lower level boys gym is very fluid and laid back, so we've experienced more coming and going than with DD - where the little ones were super into it ready to go to the Olympics tomorrow - until it got hard or they found other things...

I'd see if there is a chance to do more open gym type play with the other boys, but I'd also give it time and let boys be boys...

 

[ZJsMom]

My DS was really shy, actually still is, I helped him along by making play dates with other boys his age on team.

 

[profmom]

So much is about the personality of the child! DD is introverted and takes a little while to warm up to people. She then tends to bond closely with just a few girls. Unfortunately, her best friend from last season was moved into a different group, so this season she's with girls she knows very well after years together, but isn't as close to them as she was to her best friend. DS, on the other hand, is quite gregarious and very much of the "make new friends but keep the old" philosophy. When he was moved, he stayed very close to his best buddy in his old group, but very quickly got close with about half the guys in his current group. He would love it ever so much if his teenage teammates would invite him over for a sleepover, but it's not going to happen yet, LOL.

Time they can spend with each other outside of practice is really great for building relationships. If the coach sets the right tone, though, they should also really bond once they start competing together.

 

[Sasha]

Have you gotten to know any of the other parents much yet? It's hard if no one sticks around at all, but since I'm an extravert and chat up everyone, I've found connecting with parents lends itself to boys hanging around a little extra and bonding as the parents chat here and there. Also can make it easier to set up some kind of playdate/activity if there is a parent you connect with.

I'm lucky so far. I'm at a magical gym where any time a new boy joins it seems he's everyone's bestie 10 minutes in. We have the most awesome team kids, and they truly are each others' best friends and supporters. Hoping it lasts - knock on wood!

 

[MaryA]

At our gym, there are social events in the fall... a sleepover, a parade, etc. those kind of things will help if your gym offers them. Have you made friends with any of his teammates parents? Or have any been friendly and approachable enough for you to consider inviting out after practice for coffee/ice cream/whatever? Getting him together with a kid or two outside of practice might help too. Even though my daughter is a teenager and makes friends easily I am not above scheduling a social engagement for myself with the mom of a kid I'd like my DD to get to know better (similar age in a different training group or whatever). If he's competing, definitely meet season is a good time to connect... a meal together after a meet, staying in the same hotel, etc.

 

[mimi]

We just moved to a new state and my DD just started a new gym. At the old gym, they had a very welcoming and high energy atmosphere, and she made friends almost instantly. At this new gym the environment is less energetic and has a business as usual approach. The girls are friendly but maybe a little less inviting. I think it is going to take my DD a little while to develop relationships as she is much more on the shy/reserved/serious side than some other kids. I'm hoping that things continue to get better. On the parent side, I haven't met anyone. No one has said a word to me or seems to even notice that I am a new face. In truth it hasn't been easy but I'm trying to remember that moving to a new state isn't easy and there will be bumps along the road. Hopefully my DD starts to feel like part of the team soon.

 

[Flyaway]

We just moved to a new state and my DD just started a new gym. At the old gym, they had a very welcoming and high energy atmosphere, and she made friends almost instantly. At this new gym the environment is less energetic and has a business as usual approach. The girls are friendly but maybe a little less inviting. I think it is going to take my DD a little while to develop relationships as she is much more on the shy/reserved/serious side than some other kids. I'm hoping that things continue to get better. On the parent side, I haven't met anyone. No one has said a word to me or seems to even notice that I am a new face. In truth it hasn't been easy but I'm trying to remember that moving to a new state isn't easy and there will be bumps along the road. Hopefully my DD starts to feel like part of the team soon.

I could have written this word for word. It DOES get better, especially once meet season begins. But in our case, we definitely had to let go of the expectation that the new gym might someday feel like the old gym.

 

[mimi]

I could have written this word for word. It DOES get better, especially once meet season begins. But in our case, we definitely had to let go of the expectation that the new gym might someday feel like the old gym.

Thank you for the words of encouragement. It's not easy being the new people at the gym. I will definitely remember in the future to be extra nice to any new people who come in because I know how tough it is now.

 

[wnl256]

I'm just curious...How long was your child in gymnastics before he/she started to develop good relationships?

About 30 seconds. But that's my daughter: she is very social and makes friends very quickly.