Parents Is parental jealousy for real?

[skschlag]

wgymom--then I would say keep at it. Be proud of your dd, and the others just as you are. With positive intentions,people will start to see it. If they don't, then they probably aren't the kind of people you woudl want to hang with

I think some of these feelings are normal....I know I am glad my ds (should he compete this year) will be in a different level/age group than some other boys. But I will cheer for them and be happy for them! I think if you are positive, it will eventually come around it is hard to be mean to a positive person!

 

[wgymmom]

I don't feel like I need to be best friends with anyone at the gym. I don't need to socialize outside the gym. But it might be nice to be at least acknowledged when we arrive at a meet. To be treated like we exist when we go to a meeting. For a nod and a smile now and then. I don't think a lot of posters realize the magnitude of what is going on.

And I would in no way switch gyms because the parents don't like me. Right now, finally, there is a good situation for my gymmie. I know this is her sport. But I don't think it's too much to ask to be treated like a fellow human being.

 

[skschlag]

YOu are right. We can't understand without being there. And I am sorry that you are dealing with this. BUt all the advice I can give is to be super positive with what they are doing. It would be easy to be negative in your situation (not that you are, it would just be easy). Continue to be supportive and positive. Someone will come around.

 

[Tigtimes]

Yes it is real. Yes it totally sucks. You can't change it.

 

[wgymmom]

Yep to the above- you're prob in the sticky situation of being a parent of the "special" one- at least for right now... and (you sound like you know it) - which is cool, but my guess is you're still in level 3-5 - all will most likely change - seems to me, the top girl changes from season to season- if you are in for the long-haul, dial down a bit about your little button & instead try to interact w/ the parents by other things you may have in common rather than the gym- you may just find a new friend for yourself

Actually, starting L7 next month. And see my previous reply about how I post here vs. what I do IRL.

 

[tuckfull]

OP, do you have anything in common with the other parents outside of your kids' belonging to the same gym/level? Did the girls all start together when they were young or was your DD ever the "new" kid? Do any of the girls attend the same schools? I'm just curious about the dynamics from the beginning. Not that those dynamics should really matter since you would think that most adults would have enough common courtesy to smile and say hi and offer a seat. You don't have to be BFFs but you are all team moms together! We've been at this for 5+ years now and have been lucky that (almost) all the team parents at DD's gym are very friendly and courteous. There have been a few bad apples that have exhibited some *****y behavior stemming from jealousy/insecurity but they are far and few between and no one you would want to be friends with anyway. All the rest cheer for each others' kids at meets and seem sincerely happy about every kids' successes, not just their particular gymmie. My advice would be to just keep doing what you are doing: drop off, pick up, offer a smile and hello when you do see the other parents, cheer everyone on at meets and let your DD do her thing. That's really all you can do!

 

[wgymmom]

DD was the new kid in old L4, which was over 3 years ago. She transferred from a noncompetitive gym and didn't go through preteam, but came right on team. Probably all but 2 other girls came up through the gym's "system." We also do live far from the gym, but we're not the only ones who do now. A few other families live out in our direction.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

DD was the new kid in old L4, which was over 3 years ago. She transferred from a noncompetitive gym and didn't go through preteam, but came right on team. Probably all but 2 other girls came up through the gym's "system." We also do live far from the gym, but we're not the only ones who do now. A few other families live out in our direction.

Its not you, its them.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

And yes, if I tell you to clean your room before you play video games, you have a choice: You can feel sad and cry about how mean I am, or you can choose to reluctantly clean your room and then play. that IS your choice.

I am not saying that my kids are not allowed to be sad, or mad. But I do teach them that the only feelings and actions they control are their own. They have no control over what others feel, say or do. ANd sometimes, it IS a choice.

Again, I can only go on what you type.

They choose to feel sad. That is what you typed.

They are feelings, they don't have a choice to feel happy instead sad. What they do about cleaning their room an how quickly they get it done is a choice. Feeling mad or sad about having to do it is not a choice. You didn't "make" them sad/mad and they are not choosing to be sad/mad.

My kid is upset she cant go out to play because she has homework to do. She can't choose to be happy about not being able to go out and play. She feels upset, its a feeling. We, her teacher and I didn't upset her on purpose. We didn't plot and plan to ruin her plan to play. We didn't get up in the am with the thought, how can I upset this kid today. I know I'll give her homework to upset her.

She upset. Its not her choice. I don't tell her your choosing to be upset, she is not. Now if she is carrying on and not doing the work. I will tell her.... Honey I get your are upset and would rather be playing, but the more you just moan about instead of just getting to it, the longer it will take and if you keep it up there will be no time to play at all.

But no they don't choose to be upset. Really clearly we see this differently, but please don't keep saying you don't tell them they can't feel or allow them to have feelings. I didn't say you do that.

I did say you said that you think feelings are a choice. And you have said that. A number of times. And all I said is I disagree. You can not choose feelings. You can choose how you manage them but you can not just choose not to have them.

Clearly we don't agree.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

And in general just because someone didn't intend to hurt/anger/upset someone doesn't mean they didn't.

Intent vs impact. It might not have been the intent but it doesn't lessen the impact or end result.

And yep mean parents exist and s*ck.

 

[skschlag]

Yep. mean people exist and they do stink. But I guess I don't let them affect me. That is on them. Not me. And that is all I am saying. (and just because someone intended to anger/hurt/upset me does not mean that I allow them that power!)

 

[sce]

1. I am posting this stuff HERE to explain things so you people who don't know me have somewhat of an idea of the situation. I've run into this before. What I say HERE does not reflect my deeds or actions IRL at the gym. Isn't this supposed to be a place away from the gyms so you can ask those CGM and weird questions? Yet I constantly get judged for what I say here as if I'm doing and saying the exact same things IRL.

2. I specifically stated multiple times - she is not a phenom, she is not elite, she is not TOPS, she has never skipped a level and never will, she is not super young, I am specifically trying NOT to be a jerk, and yet you overlook all of that to my plain relating of actual facts of an event that actually happened. Is it somehow my fault that the HC reacted as he did to my gymmie? Seriously, am I supposed to hide her away so people will like me? Because that, I won't do.

My behavior at the gym has NEVER reflected anything but genuine happiness for each and every gymnast and her successes, and sympathy with their struggles. Yes, I cheer for my daughter and I'm proud of her, but I would never in a million years go brag about her to another parent!

I think the questions you don't have the answer to is is why others seem to not include you. It may have nothing to do with your daughter and her performance. It may have everything to do with what else people have in common, or they are feeling you are aloof. When you sat at the empty table, maybe they thought you didn't want to sit with them?

Also, as sks pointed out, she has friends at her kid's gym. They were friends before they came to gym. They are not unkind to other parents but the three friends do stand together and chat at times, and are obviously closer than they are with other. parents. How the other parents interpret this is on them though.

Also, if these parents are being unfriendly out of jealousy then do you want to be friends with people like that?

The girls team at my kids' gym is odd. To the parents it's just another after school activity, among so many. They often want as little involvement as possible. 4 meets a year is so many to them, seriously. Some of them are friendly enough, but some are quite aloof. I just don't push it. I speak kindly to them when I see them, but don't go out of my way to find them at meets and don;t get upset either that they keep to themselves. The boys team parents are different and enjoy connecting with each other, and we help the newer ones understand the sport etc. But many only stay one season, (again it's still one of many activities) so how close should I try to get to them?

 

[GymmieC]

1. I am posting this stuff HERE to explain things so you people who don't know me have somewhat of an idea of the situation. I've run into this before. What I say HERE does not reflect my deeds or actions IRL at the gym. Isn't this supposed to be a place away from the gyms so you can ask those CGM and weird questions? Yet I constantly get judged for what I say here as if I'm doing and saying the exact same things IRL.

2. I specifically stated multiple times - she is not a phenom, she is not elite, she is not TOPS, she has never skipped a level and never will, she is not super young, I am specifically trying NOT to be a jerk, and yet you overlook all of that to my plain relating of actual facts of an event that actually happened. Is it somehow my fault that the HC reacted as he did to my gymmie? Seriously, am I supposed to hide her away so people will like me? Because that, I won't do.

My behavior at the gym has NEVER reflected anything but genuine happiness for each and every gymnast and her successes, and sympathy with their struggles. Yes, I cheer for my daughter and I'm proud of her, but I would never in a million years go brag about her to another parent!

I am 100% certain that you mistook my intentions. I am not ever saying that your child, any child needs to be hidden away. You would not be posting about her if she wasn't in the equation obviously.
I am not the type of person that looks outwards to find solutions. I look from within. What am I doing? What can I do more of, less of, etc. I like what a poster said earlier. Gymnastics is for the child. We the parents are really only along for the ride.
I have been in situations like you describe not from everyone at the gym but a select few. In some of these situations, it was merely because my child was the youngest. An issue I could not change. I have always pulled from within , and well things worked out for the best. I am not in gym with DD because I am looking for friends. I am in it because DD Loves gymnastics. I have found ways to dismantle any jealousy, hard feelings, whatever you want to call it. But I have done so because I look from within. I am going to send you a pm. If that's okay. I really only posted originally to help. Please look back at any or all my posts in other threads. I genuinely want to help as I have noted you would like the advice.

 

[wgymmom]

I am 100% certain that you mistook my intentions. I am not ever saying that your child, any child needs to be hidden away. You would not be posting about her if she wasn't in the equation obviously.
I am not the type of person that looks outwards to find solutions. I look from within. What am I doing? What can I do more of, less of, etc. I like what a poster said earlier. Gymnastics is for the child. We the parents are really only along for the ride.
I have been in situations like you describe not from everyone at the gym but a select few. In some of these situations, it was merely because my child was the youngest. An issue I could not change. I have always pulled from within , and well things worked out for the best. I am not in gym with DD because I am looking for friends. I am in it because DD Loves gymnastics. I have found ways to dismantle any jealousy, hard feelings, whatever you want to call it. But I have done so because I look from within. I am going to send you a pm. If that's okay. I really only posted originally to help. Please look back at any or all my posts in other threads. I genuinely want to help as I have noted you would like the advice.

Idk...but jealousy of any kind can be broken down. I am not trying to judge, but from your posts it does sound a little bit like you are bragging about your daughter . We all brag, I get it. But sometimes it's the "air" that comes with the bragging that troubles some.
At DD'S gym troubles among parents are not altogether seen because people are genuine. The elite gymnast has everyone rooting for her, and she and her parents root for all.
I guess what I am trying to say is be more reflective of your behavior. If you are truly genuine, it will be duly noted. Don't over think the behavior of others. Sometimes that creates the negative air the rubs people the wrong way. I hope this all makes sense.


You specifically said I sound like I'm bragging and that I potentially could be taking a conceited air with me into the gym and that would be why nobody will talk to us. How did I misinterpret those words?

 

[Taurus]

Are you looking for advice wgymmom, or a fight? Sounds like GymmieC was just trying to help

 

[wgymmom]

I am looking for advice, but I have stated over and over again that I DO NOT think my daughter is the second coming of Simone Biles, and yet I get treated like I am that delusional CGM. Did I misinterpret GymmieC's previous words that I directly quoted and bolded?

 

[GymmieC]

Are you looking for advice wgymmom, or a fight? Sounds like GymmieC was just trying to help

Thank you.

 

[RTT2]

I guess I don't quite understand why you assume they are distant with you because they are all jealous. It's possible, but maybe they think you are standoffish? Maybe they spend a lot of time together watching practice and see you as less interested in getting to know them. I always have a hard time believing a big group of people are all just jerks, but I suppose anything is possible.

 

[wgymmom]

Oh goodness. I'm not assuming they're all jealous, I was asking if that was a possible explanation. Which was a completely foolish thing to do, I see now.

I'm sure they don't think I'm interested in getting to know them, because when I have "put myself out there" it has been rebuffed. So I'm not willing to keep putting myself out there just to get hurt again.

I get it. Thanks for the input.

 

[Taurus]

Maybe not, but I thought you may have been slipping in a "brag" or two/ (new HC pulled her to the front bc she was "too good" & using her as demo) - whatevs .. I like to think highly of my own little nugget! This post is implying that you think the other parents don't like you bc your dd is good- that's what you titled the thread- but gave no evidence to back up your jealousy theory. And you are kinda bragging about her- a least that's how GymmieC & I see it. And when we gave you some advice, you didn't say anything about the advice we gave, just that you felt defense about the "bragging" part. We don't know you, we can only read what you've posted & I believe we were just trying to help, not insult you