WAG Is this normal? And is it ok?

[Pearl]

Dd 13 L9 has been having trouble with a skill on beam. Landed it in earlier meets but lately has been falling even though she almost always gets it at practice (so she tells me--I rarely watch practice). So coach changed it and at her first meet trying it a couple weeks ago she fell again, a pretty bad miss. My dd is a perfectionist, a+ student etc. and isn't used to struggling so when she fell again I wasn't surprised to see her crying (she's not a big crier most of the time)but she appeared to be unusually inconsolable as I watched from the stands. One of the asst coaches was obviously trying to cheer her up.

She composed herself after that but began weeping again in the car the way home. I reminded her that everyone has struggles etc but then she told me "the coaches are mad at me," said that 's why she was more upset (than she's ever been). It turns out that it was only her beam coach who is,probably mad at her. I didn't notice but dd says coach didn't come over to her/ talk to her for just a few words like she always does, and like she did that day with all her other teammates.

Is there a good reason for doing this? (Silent treatment after a bad routine?). One of the other moms suggested that coach was in effect probably trying to toughen her up a bit -- dd is very sensitive. But I just can't buy that. I don't think I can talk to the coaches about this because they would likely take it as criticism of coaching style. I don't know anything about gymnastics but I know my kid and this approach is not going to help her get her routine. Actually I think it might cause her to become more stressed and nervous at meets so that she performs worse each time.

Right now I wish she would switch to a less dysfunctional sport but she loves gymnastics so I want to have her continue as long as she wants. Thoughts? Thanks. Sorry this is so long!

 

[EastCoastGymMom]

Maybe the coach was disappointed too and wasn't in the best mindset to talk to her at that moment? Maybe the coach felt like there was nothing she could say right then to help your dd? I don't know if it's "okay," but it's definitely "normal." I've observed the same thing many times - coaches "ignoring" a gymnast after a bad performance - even in the lower levels. I guess that's better than the coach criticizing her after a bad routine, since most gymnasts are so hard on themselves already. And, as they say, the show must go on.... even if you crash and burn on one event, there are other events and other gymnasts on your team who need to compete.

Gymnastics coaches are an enigma. Sometimes they do the opposite of what I would expect them to do, but in the end it usually seems like they do have a plan.

 

[iwannacoach]

Could it be a case of the coach not having a way of properly framing her performance, cuz sometimes we don't know exactly what to say to a kid who's working hard, and emotionally investing in a goal, but for whom things aren't working out.

There are times when a kid needs to cry and process their emotions, and need to be given space and time to do that. Look more for indications the coach is frustrated that they haven't been able to help her solve this problem, because that shoe fits on several feet.

I'm a real believer in perception. If your dd feels she's been marginalized by this coach, there's need for discussion. Start out with her by finding out what's going on in her mind. Then talk to the coach, or just a message, to provide a "mother's insight"..... and don't get worried about the coach, as there's nobody to blame in this situation. If you need to place blame, stick it on the sports forehead where it belongs. It's never easy to get from point "A" to point "L9" and beyond, especially at her age.

 

[Faith]

It turns out that it was only her beam coach who is,probably mad at her. I didn't notice but dd says coach didn't come over to her/ talk to her for just a few words like she always does, and like she did that day with all her other teammates

"Probably mad"? Do you think she may be reading too much into the coaches feelings? Maybe someone called her away, or distracted her as she was coming over, then it was on to the next girl and it slipped her mind.

I think the best approach is to have a word with the coach. Explain that your daughter has got it into her head that the coach is angry because of her performance, and is really getting herself upset. Then hopefully the coach can reassure your daughter, or explain her feelings, and your daughter will know where she stands. There's nothing worse as a teenager than worrying about this sort of thing, but not having the maturity to initiate the conversation with someone in an authority position. So unless she feels she can ask the coach herself, you may have to take the lead and show her dealing with a situation is better than not knowing and letting it fester.

 

[cbone]

Gymnasts are representatives of their gym and their coaches. It could be that this coach feels your daughter's struggles are representative of their failure as a coach. That's tough to face as a coach and anger is a way to mask the disappointment. It could be your daughter is projecting and the coach really was just giving your daughter space to process her own emotions. There are too many possibilities to know without having a conversation.

 

[gymnastflip]

Well as a gymnast I can say that after a really bad performance my coach probably won't immediately come talk to me. Tbh I think it's best for me as I am probably in the right mind set at that time and won't listen to her. It gives me time to sort myself out, and/or get on-top of my emotions. Time to think also let's me focus on my next event. Once I've gathered myself then we will discuss what I need to do to have a good meet, but that's not before we move to the next apparatus or just before we move.
Although this does seem strange for younger children, because I wouldn't have liked it when I was younger, your coach probably thinks your child is mature enough to handle it herself- which is a good thing
If it really bothers your daughter then maybe speak to the coach or ask her to speak to her beam coach- i find(after ages spent with not the most suitable coach) that gymnast coach relationship works best when a gymnast isn't scared to approach her coach on subjects that bother them.
Good luck, but don't let it bother you too much!

 

[Empowered]

Talk to the coach. Don't stew and over think the situation, you may end up just making yourself more angry. If the coach was in the wrong they probably knows it, but like any human it's hard to admit when you are wrong. Just explain your daughter's side and her feelings and get everything out in the open.

Amen to your thought though about this sport being disfunctional. Little girls and teenage girls doing a dangerous sport is just a recipe for drama. No matter how you try to avoid it, BAM! There it is.

 

[Granny Smith]

My dd would take the silent treatment over any words being said by her coach. She doesn't need to be told that she isn't focused, that she's always falling on that skill, that she sucks or even worse (which there is). I've come to learn that this sport can be brutal and the words from their coaches are not all puppies and rainbows. So, sometimes silence is a blessing. Of course the girls do have to go back to the gym and I'm sure in our gym that would lead to choice words being spoken, or very often yelled at to the girls. Of course none of what I am saying happens to little ones, but it seems that there is something about being L9 & L10 and then throw in teenage years/High School age and the girls become fair game. I amnot claiming to like it or condone it, but just telling it like it is.

 

[coachmolly]

Well, I'll start by saying that your DD is 13- and all too often there is an incongruity between what a teenager perceives and what the coach's actual intentions. What could have been an honest attempt from a coach to give a kid some space or to cool down before approaching her can easily be interpreted as anger or hate by teenage eyes and minds. I think it's especially common among the "type A" kind of kids who over think just about everything. When working with teen gymnasts (though not at the same level as your DD), I often find myself stuck- do I let them cry it out and stew for a few minutes before approaching? do I let the issue go altogether and just deal with the problem skill when we are back in the gym? do I commend them for giving it their all? do I hug them and tell them that sometimes certain skills just suck and we all have crappy days- sometimes more often than we would like? There are just so many variables and, in the heat of the moment, it can feel totally overwhelming for the coach too! I can't claim that these were the thoughts of this specific coach, and the situation could have been totally different, just a few thoughts that run through a coach's mind in those kinds of situations.

I don't think it would hurt to talk with the coach about it, not accusing them of anything but just letting them know that she was particularly upset after this meet and concerned that the coaches were mad at her and you just wanted to bring that to their attention. Just let them know she tends to over think and analyze stuff which only makes her frustration and nerves worse. I can't speak for these particular coaches, but if I were to do something unintentionally that made one of my girls think I was mad at them or disliked them I would want to know about it so I could fix it.

How are her coaches at dealing with her otherwise? Are they usually helpful and supportive? Or have there been issues in the past that have raised some red flags? I wouldn't consider this particular issue to be one of those red flags unless it is paired with other incidents that just didn't sit right with you. Best wishes to your DD, she's obviously talented to have made it to level 9 and those mental road blocks are no fun.

 

[gymmomtoo]

Totally agree that what she perceives as the coaches feelings and what is actually the coaches feelings are probably two very different things I would assume the coach was disappointed as well and left her alone because she didn't want to make things worse. And someone else said I would take ignoring over a upset response any day.

 

[GymBee97]

Coach probably isn't mad either. 13yo think HORMONES!! They cry at the drop of the hat, think any thing said that isn't hearts and flowers must mean somone is mad at them. and usually are in the midst of growth spurts and getting that woman body which throws everthing they ever learned out the window - those changes usually mean having to relearn how to move. So it sounds like she's right on track for puberty!! Sometimes too silence is better than talking espcially when dealing with hormonal teen's and preteens. I bet the coach isn't even aware of your dd's feelings

 

[cbifoja]

Well, I'll start by saying that your DD is 13- and all too often there is an incongruity between what a teenager perceives and what the coach's actual intentions.

No, no, no. Teenager's perceptions are always spot on. They also never over-react!

 

[Deleted member D3987]

this one is part of the dysfunctional dynamics that go on in this sport. she'll get over it, so will the coach now let it go.

p.s. and it's balance beam...one 13 year old girl, 1 gymnastics coach and a balance beam. THAT is the epitome of a perfect storm.

 

[Natasha]

this one is part of the dysfunctional dynamics that go on in this sport. she'll get over it, so will the coach now let it go.

p.s. and it's balance beam...one 13 year old girl, 1 gymnastics coach and a balance beam. THAT is the epitome of a perfect storm.

So true!!! We seem to have a perfect storm here about once a week.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

that's all? ha!

 

[Tiger]

My own coach does this alot it can be annoying but what i do is ask another girl in the team to see if they can see anything wrong.that could help me