Parents New Level 9 wants to quit

[Lilbert]

DD (13, almost 14) just became a L9 and the season is starting. She was on fire during the summer and got all of her L9 skills. All of a sudden she started losing them one by one (she had a bad fall, so I think that was the starter). Now she says she doesn't want to do college gymnastics and feels that there is no point to work hard to get the skills back. She is really down on herself. Thinks that she isn't very good, that the coaches don't believe in her. She is a very, very good gymnast, maybe not phenomenal, but she did place well last season and made regionals and placed on one event. I personally do not think she has peaked yet. She is small and strong and has beautiful lines and grace.

This is a raw issue, just came up, so we are going to have more conversations about it and meetings with the coaches, but interested in hearing from others who have had a similar experience.

 

[QueenBee]

No words of wisdom but lots of sympathy. Wishing you and your daughter well through this.

 

[AgingHippie]

We are just entering into our first year of optionals (L7) so my advice is not coming from any experience but rather just from reading these boards and having friends who went through this as well. Give it time. It may be something she just needs to work through that will pass. Is she planning on meeting with the coaches with you? Talking to the coaches alone first and just letting them know where her head is at may be better. She won't feel so much pressure and they can observe a little closer (without her knowing) and give you some more feedback before you tackle the issue.

I do have experience with the lovely age of 13 and I am quickly seeing that what is the end of the world this week is not an issue at all the next. I am not saying that is the case here but I would imagine her age is a big factor in all this.

I'm sorry she is going through this, please keep us updated.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

She has blocks the pressure needs to be taken off so she can work through it.

College shouldn't even be a thought, it should be about gymnastics.
Next make sure this is about her and not you, its got to be about her, so your stuff and wants need to be out of the equation.

And last but most important, why all or nothing? As in Level9 of or quit.

Why not back to L8, and work toward 9 when she is mentally ready.

End of season she is still not happy, she can be done.

 

[Lilbert]

She has blocks the pressure needs to be taken off so she can work through it.

College shouldn't even be a thought, it should be about gymnastics.
Next make sure this is about her and not you, its got to be about her, so your stuff and wants need to be out of the equation.

And last but most important, why all or nothing? As in Level9 of or quit.

Why not back to L8, and work toward 9 when she is mentally ready.

End of season she is still not happy, she can be done.

 

[Lilbert]

Thanks for your reply. It is about gymnastics, not college. I brought that up because she isn't seeing the benefits of the sport regardless of college. She thinks that if that isn't a goal, what's the point. This isn't about us, this is about her and helping her through this time. As for L8, she already repeated L8, and doing it a third time is more depressing to her than empowering.

 

[Lilbert]

No words of wisdom but lots of sympathy. Wishing you and your daughter well through this.

Thanks for your very supportive response

 

[Lilbert]

We are just entering into our first year of optionals (L7) so my advice is not coming from any experience but rather just from reading these boards and having friends who went through this as well. Give it time. It may be something she just needs to work through that will pass. Is she planning on meeting with the coaches with you? Talking to the coaches alone first and just letting them know where her head is at may be better. She won't feel so much pressure and they can observe a little closer (without her knowing) and give you some more feedback before you tackle the issue.

I do have experience with the lovely age of 13 and I am quickly seeing that what is the end of the world this week is not an issue at all the next. I am not saying that is the case here but I would imagine her age is a big factor in all this.

I'm sorry she is going through this, please keep us updated.

 

[Lilbert]

Thanks for the reminder about 13 year olds. I have an older son, but it is true that teenage daughters are different!! I appreciate the non-judgmental advice. Very helpful.

 

[Lilbert]

No words of wisdom but lots of sympathy. Wishing you and your daughter well through this.

Thank you. Your kindness is well received.

 

[AgingHippie]

Thanks for the reminder about 13 year olds. I have an older son, but it is true that teenage daughters are different!! I appreciate the non-judgmental advice. Very helpful.

My 13 year old id either my best friend or my worst nightmare and that can change from hour to hour! When is the first meet? How does your gym handle scratching events? Just trying to brainstorm.

 

[MeetDirector]

Lilbert -

From experience - don't get in the middle of her thinking process on this. 1 - she is 13 and a lot about her life is changing and seeming to be spinning out of her control; don't add to it. 2 - These things happen and will happen more in the next few years as the skills get even tougher and the pressure gets even more intense; don't add to it. 3 - let the coaches deal with the skill blocks; there isn't anything you can do to help with that. Did I mention to not add to the pressure? This is the time to be the mom and the safety net at home.

Good Luck (and it does pass).

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Thanks for your reply. It is about gymnastics, not college. I brought that up because she isn't seeing the benefits of the sport regardless of college. She thinks that if that isn't a goal, what's the point. This isn't about us, this is about her and helping her through this time. As for L8, she already repeated L8, and doing it a third time is more depressing to her than empowering.

Me thinking out loud. Why does she, and where did she, get the idea that they only point of playing sports is if you can play them in college?

Same with Levels. And we are only at L5 cusp of 6. But the focus should be on the skills, not level or scores. (and I freely admit I got on the level bus for a brief time last spring, thankfully my daughter did not). But we did/do know as things get harder it is likely that repeating levels will happen.

There is plenty to work on while repeating a Level. That is the conversation to be having, and hopefully the coaches will, because they are the ones to having it.

But it is her life/sport so ultimately the decision rests with her. Because having gone through the teen years with other kids. You really can not make them do what they just do not want to, even if they come to regret it. It is their regrets, not ours. Either way it is not the end of the world. It is just gymnastics.

 

[l.c.o]

First, has your DD grown lately? That can really throw them off.

I don't have completely relevant experience parenting in this sense, but I do have a 12 year old that should be competing L7 this spring.

I empathize completely, as my DD had a similar instance last fall with L7 skills - one fall on beam led to many other falls and her losing all of her beam skills above L4 while she grew about 2" in the course of six or so weeks. At the same time, her bars completely stalled. For months and months. She'd went from likely competing L7 this past spring to just repeating level 4 last fall (after having repeated L3, so quite frustrating for her).

It took a lot of grit and determination (and patience from coaches) and nearly a year for her to get (most) of those beam skills back. It wasn't until beam was set that she started to come around and make any progress on bars.

I don't know what it's like to have a burnt out 13/14 year old level 9 who maybe had hopes or expectations of college gymnastics someday. But I did have a burnt out 12 year old who seriously debated quitting for a number of months, who also has no plans of moving to Xcel or competing high school, and didn't/doesn't have college gym plans. She (I thought maturely) argued that she wasn't having fun anymore, so why put in all that work? Especially when she was missing out on so many other opportunities in order to train so much. What had been her place to let go of school drama, etc instead became a source of additional stress. She was just done.

After meltdowns ensued and things came to a head, she had a chat with coaches who suggested not quitting until she got the necessary skills for L7 (figuring she'd feel better and want to stay then) and them modifying a skill requirement on one event, DD agreed to commit to another 5 weeks or so.

Since she's gotten the skills where they need to be at the moment for L7 and has been happier. Not completely, as I still suspect it's possible that she may retire after this season. But it's better, and she feels proud to have overcome the negative.

Repeating 8 for a third time would indeed be a bummer. But she's young, and it wouldn't be the end of the world, as long as she is still working towards level 9. She needs to concentrate on the small progress, not the big picture, if she wants to stick it out.

I think the point some of the others are trying to maybe make is that th enemy here is any perceived pressure from parent, coach, etc, whether it's real or not. Letting her know it's ok to do a third season of L8, or that it's ok to quit will go a long way. Maybe set a timeline, like let's see how you feel in four weeks, etc. And as I'm sure you know, small goals are better than big goals. Getting back 5 L9 skills (or however many) would feel insurmountable to almost anyone, but focusing on trying her L9 series on low beam with the mats folded down one is maybe an achievable step...

And from my own experience, try not to talk about it unless she brings it up. Let her know you're happy to listen but that there's no pressure to talk. And if she's sad, just hug her. Let her know it's ok and healthy to be mad/sad/etc.

That all said, I would recommend that she chats to coaches - that can truly be helpful to put things into perspective and set small, measurable goals. I am sure your DD is not the first to go through this for them!

 

[NutterButter]

Is this her first experience dealing with blocks/losing skills? My DD is no stranger to fears and blocks. She's struggled at every level on something but so far as always made it. For the longest time DD was the only one on her team that was affected with losing skills/mental blocks. Fast forward 3 years it's affected all of them to some degree. My observation is that the first time a girl deals with this it seems to hit them REALLY hard and it can take them a bit of time to gain the coping skills and confidence to get them through. Not sure if this applies to your DD. What has helped my DD is reassuring her that the skill will come back, that her coaches do believe in her, that she needs to be patient and allow the skill progression to work (this is most frustrating when those around her are progressing). All of this has to happen while not feeding the fear and this is the hard part. Too many conversations about it are counter-productive. I limit how much DD and I talk about it. When she thinks the coaches don't believe in her I'm almost always able to redirect that into something more positive (for example, sometimes DD perceives being sent to work on a drill as a vote of no confidence from the coach and I have to remind her that the opposite is true; coach is adjusting her training to what she needs at that moment). But again, I try not to dwell on it with her. My DD recently went through her worst spat with blocks ever and for the first time she seriously considered quitting. This was in the midst of a huge growth spurt which I think made things worse even though she's always been a cautious gymnast (just turned 14 and a new L8). I told her that it's her sport and that she can quit whenever but I told her she needed to be fair to herself and give it time. We established a date for checking in and I tried my hardest to not be sucked in and talk about it daily. Long story short - we are 8 weeks past the date she wanted to quit and her passion for the sport is higher than ever. She can't wait for meet season. Her skills are still returning so it wasn't entirely about getting them back.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I would like to like the last 2 a hundred times.

 

[profmom]

Parent here of a repeating L8 who's a teenager who has struggled through blocks and injuries to be where she is.

You've gotten some good advice already so I will just add in a few things. First, is this new? Is it the first time she's talked about being discouraged and wanting to quit? Kids starting puberty can be very sensitive and hard on themselves, even moreso than the typical gymnast. If you suspect that you're looking at the onset of puberty, talk to her about the relationship between hormonal changes and mood swings. It won't change the ups and downs, but in my experience, they feel better about them if they know why they are happening and can recognize that not every bad feeling they have is related directly to something concrete that is happening in their lives.

Also to keep in mind: is this the first time she's struggled with gymnastics? As NB says, the first time, whenever it happens, can be the hardest. About all you can do is try to de-escalate the emotion around it and reassure her that if she is willing to tough it out, everything will come back, but it's going to take patience and work. Fretting over it and discussing it endlessly at home won't make it happen faster.

The trajectory I've seen with skill loss/advance with kids this age and stage is that some things that come quickly will indeed vanish temporarily, but when they come back, they more or less come back to where they were and then the kid can build forward on that. What worked for my DD when she was blocked on beam and vault was to do what she could where she could -- backwards stuff sometimes had to go all the way back to the floor, but eventually it moved to where it needed to go. With vault, she ultimately had to change entirely to accommodate back issues, but once the coach recognized this, even starting more or less at the beginning with a new vault family felt better for her because she was able to progress.

A couple of questions you might not have considered: is she getting adequate sleep and eating enough calories? These needs increase both in heavy training and as puberty starts, and stinting can have a ravaging emotional effect.

Finally, as others have suggested, support but detach. What most gymnasts at this level and age need is the knowledge that home is absolutely reliable as a stable support system where they will not be judged for having a tough time, having doubts, worrying, or considering quitting. Your DD may or may not want to process all of this with you. I'd say though that if she is thinking about quitting, that is a conversation you should have -- she should be able to articulate rational reasons for this choice, but emphasize to her that this is necessary for her sake and not for yours.

 

[vagymmomma]

L9 is hard - mentally and physically (and the mental part is just as hard for the parents). My DD went through something very similar to yours. Her first year of L9 was awful. She grew a lot over the summer/fall which threw EVERYTHING off. As a result, she had a really bad fall on bars that got in her head. I really thought she was going to quit because it just wasn't fun anymore. Honestly, I was so glad when the season was over and she could start training fresh.

There were many contributing factors, but I just tried to support her as best I could. I emphasized how great it was to even make to L9. I focused on baby steps. I really backed off any questions and played up every positive. It also took a meeting with the head coach after the season on some training issues (i.e., issues with the right bar settings being available). The second year was a little rough, but 1000 times better. We're now on year 3 of L9, but all routines are upgraded and she's hoping to compete at least a couple meets at L10 this year. Having lived through this, part of me wonders whether another year of L8 may have been the way to go. However, the growth spurts threw everything off. I actually think in DD's case it was better having a less productive year of L9 than a less productive year at L8 (where expectations would have been higher).

Sending hugs and good luck.

 

[Azgymmiemom]

We've also been through this. My dd did two years of level8 and then this last year said she didn't want to compete until she could go 9. She was recovering from back and knee injuries and so we didn't know if she could even DO 9. Bars were the problem, mostly, but she has had recurring fear of her BHS LO on beam, too. She turned 13 this year, so maybe that age is the "weird" age, lol. Anyway, she did the first meet of the season as an 8 then the rest as a 9. Some meets were better than others, but over all, it was a decent season for her. I just had to be patient and support her, and her coaches were wonderful with her-knowing when to push and when to ease up. She has still been struggling when she gets sick or has pain, but for the most part, she is just keeping her head down and working her hardest. She wants to go 10 this year, but we've tried to tell her not to put that pressure on herself. She can do 10 when she is ready.

Good luck, I hope it all works out for your dd!!

 

[Deleted member 14190]

encourage her to go level 8! (emphasis on the word encourage).