Parents Perfectionist Gymnast?

[esor]

Hi all -
I am looking for help. My DD is 10, and is a level 8 this year and the youngest on her team. And let me tell you, it has been her hardest year. After Level 7 ended and they started working towards L8, my DD progressively started having "mental blocks" on newer skills, she started saying things like "I am not very good on X", she looked upset during a good chunk of most practices, and started crying frequently for her. Oddly, at the same time, she got 90% oof her L8 skills by end of summer. But when move-up announcements came, her coaches wanted to keep her at 7 citing fear issues. I was certain most of her issues weren't fear issues, especially when she kept telling me she wasn't afraid of things, yet could not verbalize what was wrong. I spoke to the coaches as I was concerned if they had her go 7, it would just ruin her. Fortunately, they let her go L8, talked to her about what she needed to work on mentally, and moved on. With that said, she took 1st AA at her first meet, and 3rd highest AA out of all age groups. Great success right? Well, the success of winning lasted about 2 days for her. Then, back to same items above, further frustrating her head coach. Despite all of this though, she still loves the sport as much as ever. It is her life, so she says.

I could not figure out what was wrong. Being a 10-year old L8 is a huge accomplishement alone, right? But DD doesn't see it that way. And all I want is my non-stressed, happy to be at gymnastics kid back.

But then, something clicked for me. I had parent teacher conferences at school. Could not figure out why DD had so much homework. Funny thing is, after discussions with teacher, her teachers assessment was not that she had a lot of homework, it just takes DD longer because she likes to have things right. Explains the 102% grade in Math right? After discussing DDs nuances with teacher, and comparing my DDs tendendcies outside of school, and talking to another friend who is a teacher, I think DDs issue is that she is perfectionist.

So, I talked to her head coach about it. I think something clicked for him too, as this past week he has changed his approach with her. And of course, I came her to Chalk Bucket to see if there were posts on how to parent a perfectionist child. Most posts were old, links to articles didn't all work anymore, etc.

So my question for you all: do you have any recommendations on articles covering how to parent perfectionist kids, especially with sports? (I have a game plan with teacher for school, to keep stress levels in line)
Do any of you have experiences you can share similar to this, and how you handled things?

Thank you all!

 

[Gymsanity]

It varies from child to child. I can tell you that I would rather work with a child that is a perfectionist vs. one that couldn't care less! You want them to care and try to be better, just not to the point that it negatively affects them. As a coach, I let them know when enough is enough, and that's as good as it needs to be for now, etc. I always tell my girls 'If I'm not stressed, you shouldn't be stressed, and I'm not stressed.'

 

[MILgymFAM]

My DD is a perfectionist in every aspect. Homework has to be perfect, group projects cause anxiety because other people don't care as much as she does, and issues (or non-issues) at gym are magnified hugely. I haven't figured out how to minimize her tendencies, but have learned to mostly accept them. My DD is 13, so her personality is mostly set, and I find it best to just support her by listening and gently reminding her it will all be ok, regardless. This is a child with 100-107 averages across her classes, who stresses about the spacing between her printed letters. Who is training with girls who have done gym 4-9 times as long as her, but kills herself over not picking up skills faster. As long as she is mostly smiling and loving life, despite the hiccups , I figure she can rewrite her papers over or practice her routines a million times at home (marking tumbling, of course).. It's not hurting me.

 

[2gymkids]

I don't have any brilliant advice other than to tell you I feel your pain. I had my parent teacher conference last week for my 7yo 2nd grader and her teacher told me "she has the kind of academic drive that you usually don't see until junior or senior year in high school." She is a perfectionist and any suggestion of imperfection really shakes her up. It's a matter of constantly reminding her that everyone makes mistakes and taking baby steps in the right direction with relaxing about it.

 

[Midwestmommy]

This article from Duke does a good job of summarizing when perfectism leads to problems... It is specific to gifted students, but it sounds applicable here....

http://tip.duke.edu/node/613

 

[gymmomtotwo]

I think you are right to be a little worried here. Your DD doesn't sound all that happy, and it does sound like it is being caused by perfectionism. The best thing you can do as a Mom you are already doing. Noticing and realizing this could negatively affect her down the road, not gymnastically, but from a mental health perspective. As her Mom, I would make it as clear as possible that you love her unconditionally and that her success in gymnastics is not in any way tied to that. Not because you are doing anything wrong, but because in her mind she may feel that way even if it is not true. Sports are a tough road for perfectionist kids, who have so much of their self worth tied up in performance. They are a coaches dream because they are so motivated and driven. But it costs them alot in terms of personal well being. I speak from personal experience here. It can lead to serious mental health problems down the road. I'd keep a very close eye on her as she approaches adolescence. I wouldn't hesitate to involve a sports psychologist to help her learn to replace any negative thoughts with positive ones, and to help her separate her personal worth from her athletic performance. Ultimately, if she could overcome some of it with some counseling, it would probably enhance her long term success in the sport, as well as the rest of her life after gymnastics.

 

[magmom]

I have one of these. Couple of things I think have really helped...

1) His 3rd grade teacher taught me this one: Praise him/her for taking a risk. If they may or may not have gotten something "right", but they took a risk - that is commendable! Even little things like writing down a word even if they are not sure of the spelling.

2) I think I've mentioned this one here before: There is a book called "Bring Your A Game" that I think has made a huge difference for my son just on the self-talk chapter alone. Learning positive self-talk is huge! And a process. You will probably want to pre-read the book and just pick chapters for your kid to read, as many of them are written for a pre-teen / teen audience.

 

[raenndrops]

I was / am a perfectionist... Knowing what my dad went through, I feel your pain.

As others have said - praise for taking a risk...AND... be there to listen... help her set small goals to accomplish along the way... and good luck!

 

[auswi]

Od ( one of them) was/ is a perfectionist.
Our family motto is" if you have done the best you can , you have succeeded."
Since she was very small, we have reiterated this to her . It helps to use humour as well. Using non- sport / academic examples in everyday life helps as well.
Dd is also a perfectionist but has developed a great sense of humour about herself which helps her to self moderate.
Good luck

 

[esor]

Thank you everyone for your help! I have been worried (and in some ways even more worried ) and it seems like changing some tactics may be in line to help with her self worth. Gymmomtotwo, I will be observing behavior. Trying to figure out best approach to help her outside of reminding that no matter what, we love her, and that scores don't matter, just have fun, etc.

Thanks all for the great tips, and I am taking them to heart. If anyone else comes across this thread and has any tips to add, I am all ears

 

[Midwestmommy]

Here's some ways I think about it....

A high achiever scores 95% on an exam and gets an A. A high achiever is very happy and proud of themselves. They studied all through the lesson and learned a lot and are proud of their accomplishment. A perfectionist scores 97. They put off studying over the weekend and were up an hour past bedtime Sunday studying. They are tired and mad at themselves for missing those three questions, because they should have known the answers. And Jim who sits next to them got a 98, again.... So frustrating....

A high achiever just learned their aerial and loves working on it at during gymnastics. It's not perfect, but it's so fun! So proud she is one of the first ones in her group to get it. She is going to keep at it until she can do it as well as the younger kid that demonstrated last week. The perfectionist has the same aerial. She hates doing it at practice because she makes mistakes and feels embarrassed. And the coach seems crabby and had a girl two years younger than her show her the right way to do it last week. So embarrassing.

A high achiever has improved her scores each meet, and state wasn't her personal best score, but she feels she did really well and hit all three skills she was worried about. She is a little disappointed that she didn't place higher, but gets over it very fast at lunch. The perfectionist really really wanted to get personal bests at state on all events, that was her goal. She scored the highest all around on her team. Not the best team in the state, but they are getting better and better. She fell a little short of her goal and that 9.0 on bars didn't happen either, again, what a disappointing day. She is so bummed, and knows the coaches are going to be so disappointed in her (not true, but she thinks so). She goes to lunch but is so sick of gymnastics, she thinks she stinks.

Believe it or not, some failures and challenges in gymnastics (inevitable in this sport for almost everyone) and then learning to keep at it and enjoy it can be really good life lessons for a perfectionist-type kid. Sincere positive reinforcement of the lessons they are getting from the sport from parents and coaches mean so much to them. And them learning to take some risks, learning from failure, and that corrections from coaches/experts are a great thing, these are all wonderful lessons for them.

We parents and coaches can really help try to steer our kids with perfectionist tendencies toward being healthy high acheivers. It takes some awareness, and none of us are perfect, but parents can play a huge role in reinforcing the right stuff, and hugging them at all the right times. And teaching them that they have a shoulder to cry on (at home or in the car, not at the meet or in the gym)--that one is part of learning the importance of sportsmanship, keeping focus, and respecting others.

 

[Midwestmommy]

Oh yea, and a good sense of humor (and helping them to keep theirs) goes a long way...

 

[cbifoja]

I'm not minimizing your problem, just wish I had it! A kid who excels at gymnastics and school???? Sounds lovely to me!

 

[mommyof1]

Believe it or not, some failures and challenges in gymnastics (inevitable in this sport for almost everyone) and then learning to keep at it and enjoy it can be really good life lessons for a perfectionist-type kid. Sincere positive reinforcement of the lessons they are getting from the sport from parents and coaches mean so much to them. And them learning to take some risks, learning from failure, and that corrections from coaches/experts are a great thing, these are all wonderful lessons for them.

Like this entire post x 1,000,000.

Gymnastics has been absolutely wonderful for my daughter, who has some perfectionistic tendencies. Gymnastics was the first thing she ever tried that didn't come easily to her 100% of the time. It was the first place where she had to put in hard work over an extended period of time to master a skill. Now we are working on applying those lessons in other areas of life (e.g., piano, school). Sometimes it works, like when last year's teacher told me that she loved the fact that my daughter did gymnastics because it was clearly teaching her to work hard to achieve her goals. Sometimes it doesn't work so well, like the time she cried when she couldn't sight-read a piano piece perfectly, I reminded her that it took her months of practice to get her BHS, and she retorted, "But gymnastics is SUPPOSED to be hard! This is just piano!"

my DD progressively started having "mental blocks" on newer skills, she started saying things like "I am not very good on X"

With my daughter, I have found that "I am just not good at X" is really a cop-out that translates to "My performance does not meet my unrealistic standards. This must mean that I am just not naturally good at this, which entitles me to cry and pout instead of trying to improve." I try not to let her get away with saying it.

 

[twinmomma]

I think we have to be careful of our verbiage when talking to our kids. And more importantly, we have to MODEL the behavior we want them to see. Example: I want my daughter to not be a perfectionist about gymnastics, but she will watch me at the computer fret over miniscule details in a photograph I've taken for a client or a show. It has to be "perfect" or "just right." What's the message? I want my daughter not to be a perfectionist at school, but yet she will watch me freak out over a blanket I've knit for a gift and what to do over the slightest stitch error. The reality is, we can parent them all we want to try and minimize this kind of behavior, but until we internalize it for ourselves, they're going to be getting mixed messages. Whether it's dinner that has to be perfect, a report for our boss, having to be dressed perfectly for whatever occasion, etc... I had to take a HARD look at myself and realize that it doesn't matter how many times I tell my kids the triumph is being in the arena, not whether you win when you're out there - because unless I apply that lesson to myself, the message will never get through.

Read Brene Brown's work on perfectionism. Changed my life. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/...ng-greatly-perfectionism-oprah_n_3468501.html

 

[Orangesoda]

I posted on this topic awhile back. Some of the advice that stuck with me:

Definitely shine a light on the times when YOU make mistakes. I've made an effort to do this, casually saying something like "see, we all make mistakes" when I come up short. I'll also use the line "I'm just doing my best" when my kids are being demanding of my time/attention/assistance, and I can't help everyone at once. It's made a difference in their attitude toward both me and toward themselves.

Another one-liner I've adopted is "mistakes are how we learn." I've drilled this and have noticed my daughter's tolerance for her own missteps to be greater.

Last one: I've been focusing on praising EFFORT over accomplishment. There was a study done which showed this to be of value. If I can find it, I'll post it later.

 

[Orangesoda]

Here's the simplified summary of the study. I find it applicable here. Hopefully the link works: