Parents Sour grapes/navigating jealousy

[Committed]

Does the "what if" scenario apply in Texasmomof3's situation as the girls making the disparaging remarks scored lower than Texasmomof3's daughter?

Sure, "If I was in that age group, I could have gotten 3rd on beam instead of 8th."

I'm not saying that those comments are appropriate, but not being there, it's really difficult to really give an informed opinion. Things could be misheard, misunderstood, or a nasty dig.

 

[GlobalNomad]

DD has also something like, JR A1, A2, A3 all competing at the same time with the same judges. JR A2 has a new little rock star that scores a 39.15. DD scores the meet of her life with a 39.05. The highest in AA in any other age bracket is a 37 or 38 or so. DD notices that she would have won in the other age brackets. She's not saying that anyone else did a bad job. It's just hard not to notice things like that, especially if scores are called out at the meet and the kids understand numbers. The announcer even made a big deal about it when handing out the medals. DD and the other gymnast had fun with that one the rest of the season. DD still talks about it, not in a mad, jealous way; but more in a "that was really crazy" way.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

tell her Dunno said that some people just fart out of their mouth. they can't help it.

 

[SurpriseGymMom]

Now, as the parent of a gymmie in a notoriously hard (high scoring) age group, with a gymmie who is NOT that high scoring, I have done the comparison as a way to encourage her. Sure, you didn't place with that great beam routine that I loved and you performed really well... But here, look, that same score would have gotten silver in the next age group so you did awesome!! I don't mean anything by it as far as negativity towards the girls that DID place with the lower scores and I certainly don't check scores obsessively.... But I admit that I have used it to pep talk DD at times. I guess the difference is that I certainly wouldn't go pointing that out to the girls in the other age groups though...

 

[Ali'sMom]

tell her Dunno said that some people just fart out of their mouth. they can't help it.

I so absolutely LOVE this!!!!

 

[twinmomma]

Now, as the parent of a gymmie in a notoriously hard (high scoring) age group, with a gymmie who is NOT that high scoring, I have done the comparison as a way to encourage her. Sure, you didn't place with that great beam routine that I loved and you performed really well... But here, look, that same score would have gotten silver in the next age group so you did awesome!! I don't mean anything by it as far as negativity towards the girls that DID place with the lower scores and I certainly don't check scores obsessively.... But I admit that I have used it to pep talk DD at times. I guess the difference is that I certainly wouldn't go pointing that out to the girls in the other age groups though...

I think that this is completely different and can be constructive for your daughter (I've done it too - DD is in a tough age group as well). The difference is you aren't saying that the girls in that other age group didn't deserve what they received. And neither have we, and my DD has never taken it that way.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

You know sometimes what children take away is not what we meant or intended.

Example,
We changed gyms. Originally because old gyms schedule did not work with our family commitments and schedule. That was the reason we changed gyms. Daughter was 7 at the time.

Training at new (now current gym) big difference from the old gym. Training/coaching is much better. Daughters gymnastics got incredibly better. Leaps and bounds.

Driving past the old gym when daughter was 9. And she says. "We left there because I wasn't any good there."

Broke my heart, that her take away of improving and the coaching/training being better, was that she wasn't good. Had a nice long conversation to clarify.

 

[gymyahoo]

We had a gym who consistently won team honors at state tell our gymnasts that they couldn't wait to beat us once again. We ended up winning and both gymnasts and parents walked around the arena with many "sour grapes" comments. We just laughed and celebrated louder. Until you walk away from the sport there will always be haters and complainers.

We had a parent at our gym who was running around cheering because his daughters competitor from another gym fell off beam which secured an AA for his DD. Those kinds of people exist in this world also. We had a teammate of my DD who said to my daughter that she needed to stop winning so many medals because she was making other girls mad who weren't winning any.

Tell your daughter to enjoy gymnastics and you should should be proud of her accomplishments. Enjoy Level 7 and congrats!

 

[ProudDad]

Truth be told with school and friends gymnastics coaches may well have the most amount of adult direct influence on our children - in some cases more than us (if only from a time perspective). Knowing that, one of the criteria we had for selecting our gym was not only the quality of gymnastic performance, but the quality of the athlete they were molding. The very few times something like this happened the coaches were very quick to correct it and on one occasion a particular repeat offender gymnast was asked to leave the gym, for good.

As many others have pointed out, not only is this rude and unsportsmanlike, but in a sport prone to mental blocks it can have a real impact on individual and team performance. If your coaches are unaware of this behavior, they should be apprised - carefully and tactfully; there is some expectation of thick skin, but coaches are the only ones who get to critique . If they are aware and are apathetic, maybe consider another gym - or if enough parents have similar concerns they can pressure the coaches or owners to establish better practices.

 

[blueredzone]

I guess I don't see the problem of pointing out the obvious scenario. It may just be me but someone not placing or placing because of their age group is part of it. Noticing that I don't think is jealousy.

I wasn't there so I don't know how things were said. On either side for that matter.

It's just gymnastics isn't it?

 

[Ali'sMom]

I guess I don't see the problem of pointing out the obvious scenario. It may just be me but someone not placing or placing because of their age group is part of it. Noticing that I don't think is jealousy.

I wasn't there so I don't know how things were said. On either side for that matter.

It's just gymnastics isn't it?

It really does depend on HOW it's said.
We do have one girl who is quick to point out that if my daughter were in HER age group, she "wouldn't even have placed", and it's not said nicely. Then there's another girl that I actually tell "Sweetie, you're just in a very competitive age group. Holy cow - if you were older like DD, you'd have come in 3rd!", totally said in a way "don't let it get you down".

 

[duyetanh]

It really does depend on HOW it's said.
We do have one girl who is quick to point out that if my daughter were in HER age group, she "wouldn't even have placed", and it's not said nicely. Then there's another girl that I actually tell "Sweetie, you're just in a very competitive age group. Holy cow - if you were older like DD, you'd have come in 3rd!", totally said in a way "don't let it get you down".

Yep. The HOW is WHAT it's all about...and from the sounds of it? The HOW was not so nice.

 

[GymDad9.9]

Yep. The HOW is WHAT it's all about...and from the sounds of it? The HOW was not so nice.

My daughter is eight, she trains long and hard all year long, she is a team leader and a gracious sport and the things she is capable of are incredible. But she is eight and vulnerable and sensitive to certain things, particularly snide or mean(ish) comments from teammates. Do I wish she had a thicker skin from some of things that bother her out in the gym? Yes, but she is only eight and she is perfect just the way she is and who knows the price of that thicker skin at such a tender age? My wife and I do our best to teach her to take the high road, it will serve her well on the more "natural" road to thicker skin and we'll always be there to protect her no matter what.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

we'll always be there to protect her no matter what.

But you won't. You just can't.

 

[GymDad9.9]

But you won't. You just can't.

Not from the comments from teammates. The bigger stuff...

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Not from the comments from teammates. The bigger stuff...

No really big or small, you can't protect them forever. You just can't.

That is why you empower (not protect) them and teach them to take care of themselves.

 

[GymDad9.9]

No really big or small, you can't protect them forever. You just can't.

That is why you empower (not protect) them and teach them to take care of themselves.

I think we're discussing a lot of life's gray areas here and using the word can't is a bit of extreme term to use with someone you have no idea about or who they are or where they live or any of the life issues one faces. With all due respect, and I'm sure you mean well, I prefer not to have this conversation in this medium.

 

[Gymmommy71]

When you get the highest scores on your team and walk out of the meet w/ nothing while your teammates are clanging all over the place w/ lower scores, of course you're gonna be acutely aware of and frustrated w/ the situation. The kids (and parents) w/ good communication and social skills know how to express their frustration w/o hurting others feelings, and the most experienced kids understand that it's best to say nothing at all because sometimes no matter what you say someone will take offense.

The reality of age divisions is why I usually don't advocate gyms making big deals about placements and medals - scores okay, but announcing that so and so got 3rd AA, so and so got 1st on this and 3rd an that, etc. - I'm not a fan.

 

[twinmomma]

When you get the highest scores on your team and walk out of the meet w/ nothing while your teammates are clanging all over the place w/ lower scores, of course you're gonna be acutely aware of and frustrated w/ the situation. The kids (and parents) w/ good communication and social skills know how to express their frustration w/o hurting others feelings, and the most experienced kids understand that it's best to say nothing at all because sometimes no matter what you say someone will take offense.

The reality of age divisions is why I usually don't advocate gyms making big deals about placements and medals - scores okay, but announcing that so and so got 3rd AA, so and so got 1st on this and 3rd an that, etc. - I'm not a fan.

But why? Compare this to any other sport. My son's baseball team lost this weekend 11-8. If they'd played another team in their league and scored 8 runs they would have won instead of lost. Should the team he played not celebrate their win? Should the girls who won at that meet in their age division not be celebrated because another girl in a different age division didn't win? For crying out loud - it's sports. There's a winner and 2nd place and on down the line. This extension of the "participation generation" is doing nothing positive for our kids. Trust me, I manage a ton of them.

 

[LizzieLac]

I always say that you are competing against your peers.