WAG What would you say/write to my sad DD

[Daphne Banks]

My DD (12 yo, L 8) does not talk to me about gymnastics. If I ask her anything, she asks if we can change the subject. So I don't ask. Same with school. She is a great student and puts so much pressure on herself that I don't want to add to it. I figure school and gym are her things. We have a great relationship, but I try hard to be the pressure valve on my busy, perfectionist girl.

But she is bummed. She had an awful week in school. Forgot an assignment. Couldn't sleep. Which made her balk on skills. Which made her coach tell her she should quit. Which made her mention quitting for the first time ever. I expect this will all blow over, but in the meantime, I do wish she would talk to me. I just am there with hugs. And maybe baked goods. And distraction. But maybe I should get her talking? I don't know. What would you do? Say? Write in a letter to my sweetie? Thanks!

 

[Taxidriver]

Not sure what you say to your dd, but for a coach to tell a child they should quit ( if that they as their actual words, I know my dd has a habit of misinterpreting what is said) a coach should never tell a child they should quit especially not when they are having a bad day but really they shouldn’t say it full stop.
With regards to talking to your dd, my dd also puts a lot of pressure on her self so I always ask what was your best thing today sometimes she will just say beam or bars and we leave it at that but other times she does open up about her frustrations but it’s all on her terms with me mainly just listening.

 

[NY Dad]

I couldn’t sleep so, like most people would, I decided to read CB in the middle of the night. Anyway...

Which made her balk on skills. Which made her coach tell her she should quit. Which made her mention quitting for the first time ever.

My dd is in a low level at a low hour, low pressure gym so maybe the mentality is different but I wouldn’t be oaky if that’s how her coach responded to my dd balking.

I’m not sure this will be helpful but my dd doesn’t share much with me (good or bad). It stinks because I enjoy knowing what’s going on. When she does occasionally share it’s hard not to assume she’s looking for advice. Sometimes she is but sometime she’s just venting. At this point I would be more concerned with the coaches comments than your daughters.

 

[bogwoppit]

My youngest always found it difficult to share with me, then she discovered letter writing and journaling. She would write me letters about all kinds of things, sometimes leave me spaces to fill in the responses. Journaling was private and helped her sort through her issues.

Could you suggest that journaling is something she might like to try, I did it through my teen years and I found it very helpful.

Her coach sounds like a bit of an ***, but as an isolated incident I would not freak out. 12 is a very tough age, so many changes, hormonal, socially and with lots of growth. Tweens are a special breed.

 

[my4buffaloes]

I 2nd the journalling. My youngest has a hard time talking to me. A couple of years ago I started a notebook for us to write letters back and forth. She is very defensive and gets angry easily. Seeing things written down takes all tone of voice out of the equation and helps both of us stay calm. Some weeks the notebook gets used a lot, and then months go by without using it. She does talk to me a little more in person since we started this so it has helped that as well. Good luck!

BTW - a coach should never tell a child they should quit.

 

[Tigtimes]

I have a perfectionist inward child as well. I choose my timing to share my thoughts carefully. I remind her that Gymnastics is something she does not who she is. That she is not defined by either the great days or those where she struggles, that she is not that “one” skill. I try to get her to understand that the world would be a very boring place if everything were perfect, that seeing black and white misses all the wonder in the gray parts. When mistakes bring her down I remind her that often the greatest learning comes after a mistake, that there is a reason mistakes exist.
Not sure she believes me or listens all the time but those are the things I try and reinforce.

 

[gymnastmom05]

I 100% agree with writing to one another. I started this with my DD (who is also a perfectionist, great student, lots of pressure on herself and not always open to sharing feelings). We have a notebook that we write back and forth to one another. Just like above, sometimes we go months without writing and sometimes it's a lot. We usually write a note and place it on one another's nightstand. I typically take the lead when I'm noticing something is bothering her or sometimes I just like to leave her a note to tell her how proud I am of her and I see how hard she's working (because we all know gymnastics is a lot of time and not much glory). There are times she will spend some quiet time in her room and she's more open to writing out her feelings - on her own time and I think she's able to relax and think more. As far as talking, I usually ask how gym was, what was your favorite event tonight? Sometimes she'll talk a lot, other times, I'm annoying her (ok, most times!). I usually know by her look/tone when it was a less than stellar practice. I know then to just sit tight and wait for her to tell me when she feels like it. Typically that means after she's home, showered, eaten and laying in bed. Sometimes it's not until a few days later.

 

[coachmolly]

12 is a hard age, add in high stress academics and gymnastics with a perfectionist kid and things can get really overwhelming really fast. The added stress of the coach suggesting she quit was completely unnecessary. I obviously don't know the tone the coach used or what their intent was in making such a statement, and I imagine it was spoken out of a place of frustration, but it was still not helpful or appropriate.
Journaling and letter writing are all great suggestions to help her process. I can't speak for your daughter, but writing her a note to cheer her on and let her know you believe in her could be well received (even if she never actually mentions it to you).
I know a day off can be stressful for some kids as they feel they get even farther behind, but it might be something worth suggesting. Or at least permission to take a day off when needed to play catch up and just catch her breath, it sounds like you would be supportive of that now if she were to ask, but sometimes a kid needs that spoken permission to even think about asking. Or even setting aside a time each week when she's not at the gym to do something to unwind (even if it's just a 30 minute tv show or ice cream on the couch).

 

[John]

Agree to write to her. DD and I use dry erase markers and the bathroom mirror. We leave all types of notes and pictures. Not much is spoken about what is written but it is a fun way to communicate.

 

[NutterButter]

I really have nothing to add because I struggle to get my youngest one to share his thoughts but what a great idea with the notebook. I'm going to try this with my youngest. I love this forum!

 

[Outsider]

I think the notebook idea is great; open up to her and give her options about opening up to you as well. And make sure you plan time to just be together; plan a cupcake-baking-session, go out for ice-cream together or plan a movie night out. Something that is not focussed on 'talking about what is going on' but does make her feel like you have time for her.

What might be really important to tell and teach your daughter, is that she is good the way she is. That sounds like an open door, but I so often talk to parents who think they do and are 100% sure their children know, who later figure out they don't really do tell this. It is so easy to say 'It's fine you forgot an assignment, you are always handing them in on time, this is just one time' or 'everybody has bad days, tomorrow you'll do better.' Children who are doubting themselves will not get the message you try to send, but read it differently; 'I got to make sure it really is only this time' or 'if I don't do well, they might not like me anymore'. Especially high achievers are usually not used to failing and the feeling that comes with it; if life seems to come easy, we as parents/trainers/teachers might think great about a child, the child often feels like those high achievements are 'normal' and things aren't good enough until something is better/best. Tiny mistakes or off-days feel like they are letting everybody down. How often don't we say; ' Wow, another perfect A' or 'You got the highest mark on beam, ever!' These things are great, but for those little perfectionists the message we send is that those results is what they should aim for and nothing less is good enough. What might help, is focus on what they as a person do: 'I am proud of you for always trying your best, even when you are tired' of 'I loved how you smiled when you finished your routine, you must have been proud of yourself.'

Something else that is important, is the simple 'practice what you preach'. If you tell your daughter it is fine to have an off-day, don't hide your own. Tell her it is one of those days and take time to drink a cup of tea together, even when you should actually tidy up the house. Your daughter is turning into a young women and you are her biggest example. This is the time to teach her to be proud of who she is, no matter what and you can only do that, when you share your imperfections, doubts, and insecurities.

Take care!

 

[triplethreat+1]

All great responses, and I will be using them for my DD- who is also a non-sharing, hard on herself, great student.
My suggestion is to look into a workbook for anxiety for her age level. I just started one with my DD (she is only 9 so the book we are using is geared to more 7-10 yrs). A friend of mone who has a similar daughter recommended it to me after starting with her daughter and realizing that her perfectionism was tied in to anxiety- about making mistakes, getting in trouble, and so on.

 

[Calimomof2]

All great responses, and I will be using them for my DD- who is also a non-sharing, hard on herself, great student.
My suggestion is to look into a workbook for anxiety for her age level. I just started one with my DD (she is only 9 so the book we are using is geared to more 7-10 yrs). A friend of mone who has a similar daughter recommended it to me after starting with her daughter and realizing that her perfectionism was tied in to anxiety- about making mistakes, getting in trouble, and so on.

Can you share the name of this workbook? I like this idea and would like to pick it up.

 

[Rockygym]

I have bought the workbook called “What to do when your worry to much” by dawn Hubner or something along those lines. I haven’t used it yet it all the reviews were good.

 

[triplethreat+1]

Can you share the name of this workbook? I like this idea and would like to pick it up.

It's the one that Rockygym mentioned, "What to do when you Worry too Much". I got it off amazon, it looks like there are other ones for other issues as well (I remember one for anger management).
It's going well so far, we have only done 4 chapters so far, but I've already learned that she worries I will forget to pick her up from gym (which has never happened).