Parents When your child doesn't take a competition seriously.

[Gym2halo]

My daughter is in a similar type of sport. This supplements her sport, so I thought this would be a good place to ask what you do in this scenario. My daughter is 9, and she practices pretty hard at her sport. However, she has bad habits that prove to be difficult to break. If she is intentional during her practice, it goes a lot better. Some of these things, as her coach says, "do not take talent." She is at a higher level with a lot of potential, and as I've posted before, the family does sacrifice for her to be able to do this sport. My husband isn't into intense extracurriculars, but since we've gone this path, he wants her to take the competitions seriously. Yesterday she had a competition. She didn't stretch or warm up properly, and she goofed around quite a bit. She spent a good chunk of a day with a friend and also with a child whose mother (and the child) made last year a bit more difficult for us with negative comments, mocking, etc. That irritated me a lot because at the end of the day, the girl pushed her to go get an award anyway, so I feel like she sacrificed her own opportunity over someone else who isn't even good for her to be around. We want her to socialize, but her routines went very badly, and I think she was totally unfocused. I had to tell the girls to stop doing certain things so not as to distract other competitors. In her routines, I saw her ignore things her coach has said to her repeatedly to correct---simple things like how to acknowledge you are starting your routine, a pretty "free hand." As for her harder skills, those went worse, but it'd be okay if I thought she had taken it all more seriously. Sadly, I had reminded her of these simple things before each routine. One judge wrote "ouch" on her score sheet. I asked what she thought of the day, and she told me she thought it went fine. She doesn't seem to think it went differently from any other competition. I was really disappointed in her. I don't mind last place if you tried your best and listened, and we all have off days. (she wasn't last, just saying). I just feel like she didn't manage herself well yesterday and disregarded things I've heard her coach repeat--she looked careless, without intent, and casual. These things are written on her score sheets. She reads them. I honestly haven't said much. I think these are life lessons, and I want her to get a lesson from all of this---without ruining her enjoyment or hurting her feelings.

 

[JBS]

These things are written on her score sheets.

I'm a little confused about this part... can you please explain what is written on her score sheets?

 

[Gym2halo]

I'm a little confused about this part... can you please explain what is written on her score sheets?

The simple things that she didn't do, which were deductions. "Improper..." "Hold this position for 2 counts" before you begin your routine. I'm really glad the judges were so critical because I can reference the comments, as will her coach. *she spins a metal stick...it's very similar to rhythmic gymnastics. I don't want to be too hard on her, but I do feel some of these things have been a blatant disregard, being careless. This was the first competition of the season, and my husband said let's make our expectations clear when the next one comes around after the holidays. I just want to tread carefully--I want her to have fun, but I want her to be respectful and for her to show she listens to me and her coach. I felt like some of the littler kids conducted themselves better.

 

[JBS]

The simple things that she didn't do, which were deductions. "Improper..." "Hold this position for 2 counts" before you begin your routine. I'm really glad the judges were so critical because I can reference the comments, as will her coach. *she spins a metal stick...it's very similar to rhythmic gymnastics. I don't want to be too hard on her, but I do feel some of these things have been a blatant disregard, being careless. This was the first competition of the season, and my husband said let's make our expectations clear when the next one comes around after the holidays. I just want to tread carefully--I want her to have fun, but I want her to be respectful and for her to show she listens to me and her coach. I felt like some of the littler kids conducted themselves better.

Who writes these comments on the score sheet?

 

[Gym2halo]

Who writes these comments on the score sheet?

The judges write them. I thought about having her coach go through each comment and category with her. Maybe that would have an impact.

 

[GymnastMomX2]

Honestly she's only 9, still a little kid, I think you need to step back a little and let this be her journey and her sport. So what if she's not serious? Isn't the point of any youth sport for them them to enjoy themselves? She thought the competition went fine, that should be enough for you as a parent. Let the coach handle the corrections and you just be there as her cheerleader and biggest fan.

 

[katrid11]

She is 9. regardless of potential, a 9 yr old should be having fun.

One of the hard things about gymnastics/and similar sports as a parent is knowing the hours and money that goes into the sport and if you see your child carrying on and taking a meet light-heartedly, it is hard to let that go.

That said, natural consequences are the key in sports. If she wants to be lazy, she will see lower scores and miss out on awards (hopefully). If she cares enough, she will be annoyed, determined, and make the necessary changes. The worst is if she is just good enough to get awards with little effort..... she won't have a good chance to learn the lesson now - maybe later.

Let this go. let her find her path and take the natural consequences. A parent should not be the bringer of determination and grit. Those things can only come from inside and if she has no desire to dig deep yet - don't force it.

 

[Gym2halo]

Thank you both. Yes, we want her to have fun, of course. Right now she is on her own at her level much of the time, unless we were to travel out of state. So she wins, but a judge can protect wins to prevent advancement. So, that’s what happened yesterday. Maybe the coach will have the right words for her.

 

[Pineapple_Lump]

To be honest - over many years of coaching, this behavior is not uncommon for kids who have parents who are just way too invested. I know you mean well, but they way you post really makes me think this is your thing and you have made it out to be an 'elite' like activity - your daughter is nine- this is her 'fun thing' and you are likely taking a lot of joy out of the sport/activity for her.

Why are you speaking to her about corrections prior to competing? you should be the cheerleader and let the coach do the coaching. If she has chosen/can't take on board what the coach has said - what makes you think she will listen to you other than if you use fear or intimidation?

Natural consequences are great, and if she continues to goof off at events- then perhaps she doesn't get entered in the next one. She will step up or she won't care - I think that will be very telling information.

 

[Gym2halo]

To be honest - over many years of coaching, this behavior is not uncommon for kids who have parents who are just way too invested. I know you mean well, but they way you post really makes me think this is your thing and you have made it out to be an 'elite' like activity - your daughter is nine- this is her 'fun thing' and you are likely taking a lot of joy out of the sport/activity for her.

Why are you speaking to her about corrections prior to competing? you should be the cheerleader and let the coach do the coaching. If she has chosen/can't take on board what the coach has said - what makes you think she will listen to you other than if you use fear or intimidation?

Natural consequences are great, and if she continues to goof off at events- then perhaps she doesn't get entered in the next one. She will step up or she won't care - I think that will be very telling information.

Yes! We could definitely choose to have cheaper fun, lol. The way we go about it is one weekly sport-specific lesson, so the rest of the week, I do try to help her remember what was said. Her coach will tell me what to watch for, etc. I wish I could drop her off at a studio, but our state doesn’t have the same kind of programs you find elsewhere. Plus we are rural, so her success is really dependent on how she practices because the lesson is far away. Eh, but you are right. I am going to say nothing and let the score sheets and coach do the talking. I’m happy to take her to lessons, but there’s also no rule that says she has to compete. Usually, she’d have her friend fun after they were done with events. I think she squeezed in the events between all the mayhem, haha! Anyway, thank you so much. Taking some steps back.

 

[JBS]

*she spins a metal stick...it's very similar to rhythmic gymnastics.

I was totally missing this... so she does baton?

 

[Gym2halo]

I was totally missing this... so she does baton?

Yes She’s been doing some gymnastics/ tumbling to help. This seemed like a good place to ask my question because I see a lot of parallels. I think I’ll let the coach do her thing.

 

[Scream4IceCream]

Do you see these patterns in other areas of her life (e.g., school, chores, other extracurriculars, etc.)? If so, you may want to consider an evaluation for ADHD.

 

[Gym2halo]

Do you see these patterns in other areas of her life (e.g., school, chores, other extracurriculars, etc.)? If so, you may want to consider an evaluation for ADHD.

Yep. And I have had these thoughts about her, too. She is very bright, reads a ton, etc. Sometimes, though, she seems so aloof. And she can create disorder out of order when it comes to her bedroom and belongings. I am not even sure what this process would look like. I make her check lists for school and her practices, and they work well. Maybe I need more lists, lol. She’s the kind of kid who cartwheels to pick something up from the floor… lots of energy.

 

[Dahlialover]

Not trying at competitions is a classic way that kids communicate that they are losing interest in a sport. As I recall from your previous posts, your child is doing a lot of training for her sport and your family is making lots of sacrifices to provide these opportunities. Intense training frequently leads to burn-out. I can see how this might make her feel obligated to stick with it even if her interest has started to wane.

Have you checked in with her recently about her goals and priorities? Have you reminded her that she doesn’t have to continue with the baton twirling and that you will be proud of her regardless of the activities she chooses to participate in? It’s helpful to keep these conversations going regularly because kid’s change very quickly. Good luck

 

[Aussie_coach]

It’s not really that unusual in kids her age to have a competition day like this.

At the age of 9, kids focus will go up and down depending on the situation. If she is excited and having fun with a friend, then it’s common for the focus to suffer.

It can seem like she just isn’t trying when she won’t correct the little things that seem so easy and simple to correct. But, in gymnastics there are A LOT of those little things.

It might seem like a lack of effort when she forgets to pause for 2 seconds, but she has probably also been told about 20 other, little and simple things to fix as well.

You say, she is quite aloof. This is again common in kids her age, and it can just be their personality or it can be something that changes as they get older and start to develop more drive.

But this can also be a very positive personality characteristic. Sure, it seems to make her less competitive and driven, but usually it also makes kids great team players, better able to cope with disappointments and more easy going.

Not every kid is super driven to win, and that’s not a bad thing.

 

[Gym2halo]

I have checked in with her. She had one event with others, and she competed an unfinished routine. It had undertime penalties, so she placed last. She knew that would happen, but she expressed wanting to win and added in additional material herself. I asked her about leveling up, and she still has that goal. She also started a duet with her friend. I honestly don’t think she’s lost interest, despite the practice. I do think she gets tired. She expresses wanting to do more. Her lack of perfectionism I do agree is actually a great quality in this sport, which also demands it. She doesn’t get upset or frustrated when learning new skills, so that’s a great point! I do think some of it is little kid stuff. But it seems it could be tied to attention issues. She’s taking a couple of days off, and then we will see her coach. I’m also not in a great frame of mind as my dad/Grandpa passed away last month. The kids basically knew him as always being sick with cancer. I’ve been dealing with the ups and downs of his health and another family member’s health (pancreatic cancer) for such a long time. So maybe I’m just stressed. The last I went to do is be a problem for her. I think all of the kids are wonderful for just getting up there!

 

[Dahlialover]

I’m also not in a great frame of mind as my dad/Grandpa passed away last month. The kids basically knew him as always being sick with cancer. I’ve been dealing with the ups and downs of his health and another family member’s health (pancreatic cancer) for such a long time. So maybe I’m just stressed. The last I went to do is be a problem for her. I think all of the kids are wonderful for just getting up there!

Sorry your family is going through so much. Sending best wishes to you all. Please keep us updated on how things go for your daughter.

 

[Gymfamily4]

Possible fear of failure? It sounds like she is working pretty hard to make public display that this doesn't really matter to her. Could she be doing that to guard herself from the pain of putting herself out there 150% and not winning?

 

[Gym2halo]

I’ve figured it out. She’s competitive and usually is in it at the competitions. However, our idea of competition doesn’t involve hurting others. It involves lifting others up and respecting each other. She had a lesson this week at the same time as the “toxic family.” In their presence, the same thing happened. I saw things that she’d mastered go astray. I’ve kept it to myself, though I know I’m not entirely alone.