Parents Would you look for a new gym or work with current coach?

[Lilou]

My youngest, who is selective mute, is doing better at her gym. However, we went for an open gym there and one of the coaches threatened to kick her out because at the end of the session, she asked everyone to raise their arms up and my daughter didn't do it and got her shy look on. She is 5. This is the same coach that was excessively harsh with her when she tried the developmental team for a few classes (grabbed her arm and made her turn her around to sit down when she didn't answer her question, and yelled at her (not others in class). If she ever joins their developmental, pre-team there again she'll have to work with this coach. My daughter would really like to do team, but not with this coach. Aside from not talking and getting shy at times during class, she is not a difficult child.

Given her SM and history with this coach I'm wondering if you were in my shoes, if you'd try to talk with the coach and ask your daughter to give this coach a 3rd chance, or try to find another gym? Overall, aside from this coach, my daughter is comfortable at the gym and I like it too. Thoughts?

 

[Mamabearof3]

I would definitely look for another gym!! she is only 5! She shouldn't treat her like that! I understand team is about discipline but that doesn't seem the correct way to teach her.

 

[munchkin3]

I'd kick him in the n*** first, then have a candid conversation......
Sorry I'm not being helpful.

 

[Lilou]

Ok, that was my instinct too since we can't get through the developmental program without working with this coach. Even my older child in the open gym commented on how this coach was not nice to her younger sister. I was going to say something then, but the coach was on to her next class. We do like the gym overall, other good coaches there and classes, but my gut feeling was to start looking around more. Thank you.

 

[Lilou]

I'd kick him in the n*** first, then have a candid conversation......
Sorry I'm not being helpful.

haha! It's ok... we've avoided this coach moving forward since the open gym (which I didn't even know this coach was the one assisting with it).

 

[gymbeam]

People don't understand selective mutism. They see it as just being really shy or really stubborn. Having an older child with SM, I would encourage you to help those who will be needing to communicate with her to understand her *before* they begin communicating.

Is she seeing a professional for this? If so, they should be able to give you clear ideas for how to help teachers and coaches provide an environment conducive to her growth rather than one that reinforces the "problem."

I'll see if I can find a link to a good resource I saw a while ago too. Best wishes!

 

[Lilou]

People don't understand selective mutism. They see it as just being really shy or really stubborn. Having an older child with SM, I would encourage you to help those who will be needing to communicate with her to understand her *before* they begin communicating.

Is she seeing a professional for this? If so, they should be able to give you clear ideas for how to help teachers and coaches provide an environment conducive to her growth rather than one that reinforces the "problem."

I'll see if I can find a link to a good resource I saw a while ago too. Best wishes!

Great feedback. Very true, many coaches do this as really shy and stubborn... This coach was not aware when we started the developmental team (neither were we at that point) but she was aware during open gym. We have an appt with my daughter's therapist next week and I'll ask about ideas to provide to her coaches. Thank you for any link you find. Meantime, I think we'll explore other gyms since we've only ever been at one and our area has about half a dozen or more.

 

[gymbeam]

I totally understand. My daughter was about 5 when we signed her up for swim lessons. This instructor had a "sink or swim" approach and boasted how every child would swim at the end of one week. This person had been teaching this way in our community for decades and EVERYONE recommended her.

Well....enter my daughter. She flat out refused to jump off the diving board when instructed to do so and wouldn't reply when the teacher was trying to convince her. Apparently this teacher had never had a kid so "stubborn" and she came out at the end of class and told me -in front of my daughter- that she could tell my daughter was used to getting everything she wanted. I FREAKED.

First of all, she was judging my parenting and my child based on one hour spent with her AND she was criticizing my daughter right in front of her.

This lady's ego was so insulted because she wasn't able to bully my daughter into doing what she wanted her to do or saying something that she wanted her to say, so she wrongly assumed my kid was a bad kid versus an anxious one.

At that point I hadn't heard of SM yet. I just knew my daughter was super reserved around anyone who wasn't in her inner circle. It wasn't until she started school that I started clue ing in to the fact it was more than just a shy phase.

Anyway, I'm glad you're already aware and getting guidance. It can be tough but if your daughter is like mine, she may not like to be the center of attention EXCEPT when she puts on a leotard. Gymnastics is her happy place. She's now training Level 8 and doing very well. Her coaches took some time to get used to her "quirkiness" and I'm sure they originally doubted that she would "have what it takes" if she's so quiet and reserved, but it's totally possible to have SM and be a great performer. In fact, I think gymnastics is her best therapy!

 

[GymDad9.9]

Is this coach aware of your daughter's SM? If not, they need to be made aware (perhaps along with the gym owner or coaching supervisor) and if they do I would take it up with the gym owner as that behavior is overly aggressive on its face.

 

[gymbeam]

Oh! And here's one link: https://www.anxietybc.com/sites/default/files/resources/documents/School Tips for Teachers of Children with Selective Mutism.pdf

There are many others. Try searching things like "selective mutism school" or "selective mutism teachers" because most of the advice is geared toward the school setting versus coaching. It's still relevant though!

 

[Lilou]

I totally understand. My daughter was about 5 when we signed her up for swim lessons. This instructor had a "sink or swim" approach and boasted how every child would swim at the end of one week. This person had been teaching this way in our community for decades and EVERYONE recommended her.

Well....enter my daughter. She flat out refused to jump off the diving board when instructed to do so and wouldn't reply when the teacher was trying to convince her. Apparently this teacher had never had a kid so "stubborn" and she came out at the end of class and told me -in front of my daughter- that she could tell my daughter was used to getting everything she wanted. I FREAKED.

First of all, she was judging my parenting and my child based on one hour spent with her AND she was criticizing my daughter right in front of her.

This lady's ego was so insulted because she wasn't able to bully my daughter into doing what she wanted her to do or saying something that she wanted her to say, so she wrongly assumed my kid was a bad kid versus an anxious one.

At that point I hadn't heard of SM yet. I just knew my daughter was super reserved around anyone who wasn't in her inner circle. It wasn't until she started school that I started clue ing in to the fact it was more than just a shy phase.

Anyway, I'm glad you're already aware and getting guidance. It can be tough but if your daughter is like mine, she may not like to be the center of attention EXCEPT when she puts on a leotard. Gymnastics is her happy place. She's now training Level 8 and doing very well. Her coaches took some time to get used to her "quirkiness" and I'm sure they originally doubted that she would "have what it takes" if she's so quiet and reserved, but it's totally possible to have SM and be a great performer. In fact, I think gymnastics is her best therapy!

Honestly, you totally get it and my DD would have done the same thing on the diving board. That's pretty crazy!

Before Kindergarten I thought she was just shy and stubborn too, but then the school identified it and subsequently other therapists/counselors. We are definitely at the stage of her current coaches not sure if she has what it takes being that she's so quiet and reserved. But yes, when she's in class now she's thoroughly enjoying herself and I have no doubt as she gets more treatment she'll open up more; shes did a home "meet" if you could call it that where the gymnasts got to show off their skills to a crowd. Wonderful to hear about your own daughter at L8. That's really great to have found the right coaches too.

 

[Tigtimes]

It will not get better with a coach like this, if you have other options look and leave now. As for "having what it takes", if you find a coach that gets her, she can listen, work hard and nod that she understands a correction then she will be fine. We have seen many shy kids excel over the years..

 

[gymbeam]

It will not get better with a coach like this, if you have other options look and leave now. As for "having what it takes", if you find a coach that gets her, she can listen, work hard and nod that she understands a correction then she will be fine. We have seen many shy kids excel over the years..

It does work that way to a point, but from our experience it does require more 2-way communication when you reach optionals. Just being a gymnastics robot doesn't work forever. Coaches do start needing some feedback from gymnasts when trying to work more advanced skills. But, for now a nod, a smile and hard work is enough!

 

[l.c.o]

@Lilou - Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think we've maybe chatted some about SM before, right?

We were very lucky that my DD's 3K teacher had a son with SM, so my DD started therapy pretty early. She's 12 now and has made slow and steady progress over the years. She's regressed some with starting middle school, and is just getting back into therapy.

Anyhow, when DD was younger, she struggled tremendously to talk in the gym (and, well, everywhere). She also had a very loud, exacting, demanding coach. DD did not cope well, and sobbed before practices, etc. We knew that the coach would be her coach for at least two more years, and more likely a good three years... So we opted not to talk about it, mostly because we couldn't see how that would be healthy for everyone in the long run, and we made a tough decision to have her switch gyms.

These days, DD is 12 and is actually now most comfortable/outgoing/chatty in the gym in comparison to other places. And we're now back in the original gym... AND said former coach is now one of her favorites.

So, switching might be a good thing. And if you believe that the current gym would be a good eventual landing place for your DD (say, if a new gym has no L10s, etc), it's always possible she could return.

 

[bookworm]

This coach wouldn't get a 3rd shot at my kid...leave now and cut your losses...

 

[Anna's_Mom]

I would recommend that you switch as well. Especially if you say the coach was aware on the second encounter. DD's first gym and the entire coaching staff were aware of her ADHD and her early coaches were good about adapting some things for her. But the team coach would say all the right things about working with us for her success, but then would refuse to actually DO anything that we agreed on. It became clear that he was one of the "it's just an excuse" types and was adamant that he wouldn't change his style or his expectations for anyone or anything. Even girls with more severe (albeit temporary) concerns did not get an inch of accommodation. We should have left about 2 years before we did and saved everyone a lot of heart ache and a complete meltdown of DDs confidence and spirit. Since you are in the early stages of gymnastics, this is a great time to move as it will get harder as she gets older and more involved. And even now, being mistreated cannot possibly be good for her self esteem!

 

[Ali'sMom]

I truly know nothing about SM, but, I do know that gym should be a safe place. Somewhere a child should feel safe from that type of treatment. Especially at 5. This is supposed to be fun. And dealing with a coach like that, would not be fun.