Parents Anyone else REALLY want their DD to quit?

[duyetanh]

And to reply to the question of would a repeat year fix this -if she does continue I sincerely hope that a repeat year makes her much better. But I have my doubts b/c she seems to be so bad and have such bad competition nerves. Her form is horrible. She looks like she's doing a whole different sport from some of the high placing girls.

Ok. I have to comment here. I cannot tell you how many times my DD came in DFL last year. And the year before she was even worse, and was ridiculed, mocked, and bullied by her teammates until the coach stepped in. To put it quite frankly, she was less than awesome. But she was SO happy, because she did the best she could do at that day, and was proud of her efforts. And seeing her try her hardest brought tears to my eyes, tears of joy, because when all is said and done, what she is learning in gym will transfer in so many aspects of life. This summer something seems to have clicked and we are moving a bit forward in terms of improvement, but will always have setbacks. It's par for the course. A podium finisher is not the goal here. This child used to be the shy little bird; now she soars like an eagle (even when she doesn't stick her landings). She is not afraid to perform, and this is extending to all areas of her life. I am beyond floored at how gymnastics has help make her who she is-yes she is still shy-but she is no longer afraid to take chances, and put herself out there...couldn't be a bigger win for me.

If your DD truly loves the sport, than who cares what place she gets. I have no idea how old she is, but help her adjust her goals to attainable ones. I wouldn't focus on scoring, as that is such a 'judgmental' situation (hah!), I would focus on small things. If you have a good relationship with the coach ask him/her for suggestions without your child hearing. And this is NOT to sound snarky, but if I were you, I would just be happy she is doing something---I know so many parents out there who wish their kids had a passion for something other than that d*mn computer, glowing box (tv) or video games. I have a very special friend whose daughter is in the hospital because she tried to take her life thanks to cyber bulling. The fact that your daughter is willing to participate in this sport even though she is very often last, and LOVES it? I find this amazing, and am SO IMPRESSED with your child. If she truly is losing her love for it, than tell her she can quit once she finds something else to do. I would have been completely happy if my child did soccer, even though she completely sucked at it, and chased butterflies and deferred to other teammates once they closed in on her as she was chasing the ball. Good luck to you, and I hope nothing I said offended you. Sometimes it is so hard being a parent-I truly believe we hurt more than they do, and feel their struggles deeper than they could ever imagine.

 

[SHELOVESGYM]

Ok. I have to comment here. I cannot tell you how many times my DD came in DFL last year. And the year before she was even worse, and was ridiculed, mocked, and bullied by her teammates until the coach stepped in. To put it quite frankly, she was less than awesome. But she was SO happy, because she did the best she could do at that day, and was proud of her efforts. And seeing her try her hardest brought tears to my eyes, tears of joy, because when all is said and done, what she is learning in gym will transfer in so many aspects of life. This summer something seems to have clicked and we are moving a bit forward in terms of improvement, but will always have setbacks. It's par for the course. A podium finisher is not the goal here. This child used to be the shy little bird; now she soars like an eagle (even when she doesn't stick her landings). She is not afraid to perform, and this is extending to all areas of her life. I am beyond floored at how gymnastics has help make her who she is-yes she is still shy-but she is no longer afraid to take chances, and put herself out there...couldn't be a bigger win for me.

If your DD truly loves the sport, than who cares what place she gets. I have no idea how old she is, but help her adjust her goals to attainable ones. I wouldn't focus on scoring, as that is such a 'judgmental' situation (hah!), I would focus on small things. If you have a good relationship with the coach ask him/her for suggestions without your child hearing. And this is NOT to sound snarky, but if I were you, I would just be happy she is doing something---I know so many parents out there who wish their kids had a passion for something other than that d*mn computer, glowing box (tv) or video games. I have a very special friend whose daughter is in the hospital because she tried to take her life thanks to cyber bulling. The fact that your daughter is willing to participate in this sport even though she is very often last, and LOVES it? I find this amazing, and am SO IMPRESSED with your child. If she truly is losing her love for it, than tell her she can quit once she finds something else to do. I would have been completely happy if my child did soccer, even though she completely sucked at it, and chased butterflies and deferred to other teammates once they closed in on her as she was chasing the ball. Good luck to you, and I hope nothing I said offended you. Sometimes it is so hard being a parent-I truly believe we hurt more than they do, and feel their struggles deeper than they could ever imagine.

Thank you for this. No you did not offend me in the least bit! Quite the contrary -your post actually brought tears of joy to my eyes. You are so right. After reading this I am going to encourage her to continue. I do hope that something clicks -not because I really care what place she gets but b/c it will be great to see her passion and hard work rewarded down the road.

 

[munchkin3]

Sometimes......my husband certainly does! LOL
And siblings hates the sport since it takes so much time away.....

It's all up to us parents how we live with it, deal with it, and present it.......after almost a decade, we just make it no big deal....just part of life. We don't over focus on it though.

With scores- I have always told my gymnasts, the goal it to try and beat you last score. That's it.

 

[cbifoja]

I love how we are able to separate our selfish wants from what is best for our kids! I mean we do have the power to force them to quit but we don't.

My daughter always points out the positive aspects of gymnastics whenever I get grumpy. If I mention missing vacation, she reminds me that she gets to go to gym every day. If I complain about eating in the car, she says it saves her time so she can do homework or color/draw when we get home.

 

[gymmomtotwo]

When you are having low moments when you wish she could put up better results (hey we are only human after all) or find something she might be more successful at, try to remember this... She has already been through a rigorous selection process. There are many kids out in recreational classes all over the place that would give anything to be competing Level 3. But, gymnastics is really hard. You can't just walk up and start competing. Not everyone can do it, no matter how hard they try. Once you are at a JO meet, there are many kids that have fallen by the wayside because they either didn't have the ability, perseverence, the opportunity or whatever to be there. It is a big accomplishment to just be there. Look at all the threads about preteam, and kids just wanting to make the team. Your DD is there. And then look at how much she loves it. I

 

[Iwannabemargo]

I would challenge any parent who has "the wobbles" to take an adult gym class and just try and do what these little mites do. And I don't mean competition ready, I mean just try the skills. Pull over on bars - hells teeth I wouldn't move for a week afterwards.

When I was coaching I would hop up on the high beam to demonstrate dips and walks - scared the Bejesus out if me. Now try flipping on it.

I am amazed at what they do every day, every day they put themselves through the conditioning that would kill grown men my respect just grows.

 

[gymmiemom]

Yes! The time, the money, the constant traveling (for us a close meet is 4 hours away), booster club (yuck!) and the sacrifices our other 3 kids have to make sometimes makes me feel it just isn't worth it. Sometimes it breaks me heart to be sitting at a meet hours away from home, while my son and youngest daughter are having a basketball game, and my other daughter has been sent with another family to a basketball tournament with her traveling team because its a weekend that my husband is on shift. There are other reasons too though. Where we live gymnastics is not a big thing. We are so blessed to even have a gym and I am thankful for it. And it's a good gym. But I also get frustrated when DD dreams about college or being a L10 and we don't even have a L10 in our state. I know that the odds are so slim. She has way less training time than other girls in her level in neighboring states that we can compete against. In the lower levels it wasn't a big deal. But now that she is a L7 it's much harder for her. She's only 9 and it makes me a little sad that she is beginning to recognize that she is at so much of a disadvantage. The other day she said, "Mom, probably I'm going to make it to regionals, but I don't know if I want to go and compete against girls who train 20 hours a week when I only get 12."

So yes, but ultimately when I see that little girl busting her butt those 4 nights a week and never ever asking to miss or skip gym. Or watching her conquer a fear. Or watching her condition at home, because she knows she doesn't get enough at gym. Or seeing those pretty giants she has worked so hard for, I remember how much this sport has already taught her. Her love for the sport and her dedication to it out weighs all the negatives.

 

[Iwannabemargo]

I suppose that we have a different take on it outside the US.

There is no college gym, no scholarships, no hope of ever competing for the country, no expectation that gym will continue after school finishes at 16, if it lasts that long.

There is no "end goal" apart from keeping fit, enjoyment, metal fortitude, the value of hard work, friendship, overcoming obstacles, self reliance, self confidence, and enjoyment.

 

[profmom]

I am the owner and operator of a girl who has pretty much owned the second-to-last and last place on her various level's teams now for six years (well, except for that second year of old L5, when she was more middle of the pack). Over the years, she's been through struggles on floor, where her tumbling was not dynamic or strong and she fell on more than half of the front tucks she competed in one season; on bars, where fundamental lack of core strength and tightness made her the ultimate deduction magnet; vault, where she finally mastered the FHS after five years of work only just in time to "advance" to a vault that she now can't do due to growth; and beam, where she went through a miserable two-year-long block on back tumbling. She's coming off an injury now that had her limited to bars only for around two months, but she only missed a few practices and spent the time when her teammates were on the other events doing extra bars and strength. Now she's working on getting her skills back, and if we're lucky, she'll compete all events in the first meet this year with the routines and skills she competed last year.

When I see her compete her routines and await her "awful" scores, I know what she wanted to do in each routine and whether she did it. When she pulls off what she wanted to -- which is usually a particular skill or improvement -- I feel EXACTLY the same as the parent of the child who just notched the highest score on that event at the meet with a spectacular and nearly error-free routine. I feel sad for her when she doesn't do what she wanted to do, but not independently sad, because I know she tried her hardest, and she's a tough critic.

I love her dedication, passion, and fierce pursuit of progress in this sport because it is totally hers. Her ability to set her own yardsticks for achievement and find the internal drive to keep going are skills that will enable her to lead a better and more fulfilling life. She can find her own intrinsic values and honor her own achievements, and has the confidence and integrity to make these judgments herself. I could not possibly be prouder of the young woman she is becoming, and many of her strengths come from those hours she's spent in the gym.

Don't worry about meets and scores and placements. That will all fade away over time. What will last is the joy that you personally will take in seeing your child do the amazing things she's capable of doing because she is willing to work as hard as she can to do them.

 

[mommyof1]

Profmom, this is exactly what I needed to hear as I deal with the fallout from an in-house meet where my daughter met all her personal goals and really pulled herself together to conquer her least favorite event, but was crushed by the fact that she didn't score as well as most of her teammates.

 

[pt coach]

I am also the parent of a child who has spent much of her career at the bottom of the pack...she did not go 4 for 4 at any meet until end of the season new level 4 (which for her was a repeat since she did old level 5). Last season at new level 5 we celebrated the fact that she only fell twice on beam all year and that she scored 9s on every event...just not at the same meet. She loves gymnastics, loves her gymnastics friends and is loving preparing for level 6. Getting out of compulsories is great for her and her form issues. I predict that she may finish lower middle of the pack this season!

Here is my advice...don't record any scores, don't look at scores at all if you can help it. Watch each routine without worrying about falls and wobbles or whatever, just have joy in the fact that your daughter is doing something she likes to do and that other kids don't have an opportunity to do. If your daughter is sad about her scores and not getting any medals just tell her how much you love to watch her no matter what...that you are always proud of her. If you can, find a positive to focus on and keep repeating it. For my daughter I try to point out something that went better than the last time or that I love her attitude on the floor and her support for teammates.

If gymnastics isn't for her for the long run, she will figure this out on her own. You might also be surprised at how much a child can improve over the course of a year.

Also, I am a team coach at my daughter's gym and I never schedule family vacations etc around the gym in the summer. I feel that family trips and experiences are more important than a couple missed practices.

 

[xxStumpyxx]

Never.

I see the confidence, physical fitness, strength of character, emotional growth, friends and confidence that gym has given her and it is worth every hour spent running her round (6 days a week now), every penny spent, every emotional crisis, everything I do without (we never eat out, go to the cinema, I buy clothes from discount stores/ebay/thrift stores).

I thought that is was just me that mad those sacrifices and the other gym mums were rich, I cannot remember the last time I brought new close for myself. It is funny really, when it comes to gym stuff thst needs to be paid for I don't hesitate but if it something I need to by for myself then I am humming and harring of it before trying to get the item as cheap as I can lol. To me the sacrifice is worth it even though both of my daughters are only in gym 3 times a week each, my oldest does a few travel competitions during the year that need weekends away, but seeing what she gets out of it is totally worth it. My youngest won't have the need to compete to far from home as she will only compete in the county or region unlike her sister who competes nationally.

 

[Ausi_poppet]

Dear OP and others who lament taking their kids to that first trial at the gym,

Let me tell you that looking back and questioning that decision isn't worth the anguish and parental doubt! I was that mother... My 2 year old taught herself to do backflips on our trampoline and all my friends told me she should do gymnastics. We did one term of kindergym, where every week the coach was constantly saying "No poppet, we don't do that here..." and "No, you're not ready to learn that..." that I pulled her out and we had a go at ballet instead. At 3 she decided she was going to be an Olympic swimmer, and at 5 she picked up a hockey stick and played with such aggression and skill that she played up an age division, coveting the gold medal of the Hockeyroos.

And still my friends would watch her on the trampoline and tell me she should be doing gymnastics. "No she's happy doing what she does, and I don't think we really want to go down that road" was my response. Then at 8 we went to hockey sign on and she burst into tears and she said she wanted to do gymnastics with her best friend. This friend had invited her to a "bring a friend day" at gym where she was in Level 3.

Fast forward four and a half years and she's training 28 hours a week, has leapfrogged the best friend and dreaming of wearing the green and gold as a gymnast now.

You don't know how life would be if things had been different, and that's the great thing about life really. But the one thing I know about gymnastics is that it really isn't a kids sport, not when they are training 12 hours a week or more. I've found the best policy has always been to talk it as openly as you can. Why does she like doing gymnastics? If it's not because she's winning, there must be something else driving her passion. Is that reason enough for you to keep forking out what you are in time and money, or could it be met through another sport or activity like others have suggested?

I can see that you're feeling at a real crossroads, and I think you're both going to have to work out what the goal is going forward and how much you're willing to put into it. All the best, and believe me, you'll get through this time one way or another, but make sure your relationship is the key.

 

[l.c.o]

Fast forward four and a half years and she's training 28 hours a week, has leapfrogged the best friend and dreaming of wearing the green and gold as a gymnast now.

You don't know how life would be if things had been different, and that's the great thing about life really.

So here I was furiously trying to figure out what in the world your DD's gymnastics had to do with the Green Bay Packers... as in these parts, that's the green and gold. After I realized there was no relation I could put together, I wondered if there was some saying which I was unaware of. Finally, I realized I'm a typical American who assumes everyone typing in English must also be American. Anyway, best wishes to your DD in wearing YOUR green and gold.

But also YES to the last sentence above. None of us has any ability to know what our children would be doing if not in gymnastics. Perhaps my DD would be a lazy bug who was addicted to television, or a soccer star who already killed her knee. Or maybe something even more awesome than a gymnast, if such a thing exists.

Last fall, my DD had a rough patch where she actually said that she wished I'd have never put her in gymnastics. Said if she'd never tried it, she'd never know how fun it was, and she wouldn't have been struggling so much. She did not necessarily want to quit (she was 50/50), but truly wished she'd never started. I was completely heartbroken. Thankfully, over 4-5 months her attitude fully came back around to normal and she thanked me for letting her continue.

 

[SHELOVESGYM]

I am the owner and operator of a girl who has pretty much owned the second-to-last and last place on her various level's teams now for six years (well, except for that second year of old L5, when she was more middle of the pack). Over the years, she's been through struggles on floor, where her tumbling was not dynamic or strong and she fell on more than half of the front tucks she competed in one season; on bars, where fundamental lack of core strength and tightness made her the ultimate deduction magnet; vault, where she finally mastered the FHS after five years of work only just in time to "advance" to a vault that she now can't do due to growth; and beam, where she went through a miserable two-year-long block on back tumbling. She's coming off an injury now that had her limited to bars only for around two months, but she only missed a few practices and spent the time when her teammates were on the other events doing extra bars and strength. Now she's working on getting her skills back, and if we're lucky, she'll compete all events in the first meet this year with the routines and skills she competed last year.

When I see her compete her routines and await her "awful" scores, I know what she wanted to do in each routine and whether she did it. When she pulls off what she wanted to -- which is usually a particular skill or improvement -- I feel EXACTLY the same as the parent of the child who just notched the highest score on that event at the meet with a spectacular and nearly error-free routine. I feel sad for her when she doesn't do what she wanted to do, but not independently sad, because I know she tried her hardest, and she's a tough critic.

I love her dedication, passion, and fierce pursuit of progress in this sport because it is totally hers. Her ability to set her own yardsticks for achievement and find the internal drive to keep going are skills that will enable her to lead a better and more fulfilling life. She can find her own intrinsic values and honor her own achievements, and has the confidence and integrity to make these judgments herself. I could not possibly be prouder of the young woman she is becoming, and many of her strengths come from those hours she's spent in the gym.

Don't worry about meets and scores and placements. That will all fade away over time. What will last is the joy that you personally will take in seeing your child do the amazing things she's capable of doing because she is willing to work as hard as she can to do them.

I see this sort of thing on here a lot -parents of kids who don't place year after year after year. I do not mean to sound judgmental. I truly can see what a kid can gain from working hard and improving at her own pace but never being at the top of the podium (or anywhere close). It's OK to have to work harder for something than others and it's a great lesson to learn that perseverance is key -we will all come up against many things in life that don't come naturally and those who go get it anyhow rather than quit in frustration will be the real winners. So great life lessons can certainly come from being bottom of the team at each level. And of course there are all the other benefits to gym which are there for the top scorer and the bottom scorer alike -fitness, hard work, being part of a team, not watching too much TV, time management, etc, etc, etc. However, I do wonder if there are also some truly negative effects to being the bottom of the pack again and again despite all the hard work. When I hear of kids who are consistently bottom of the pack I feel worried for my bottom of the pack daughter -is this going to be how her gym "career" always is? How will this effect her? Yes she will learn to work hard and will be fit and will learn about perseverance -but is it OK that she learns to be content with never coming in 1st (or 2nd, or 3rd, etc)? Will that make her feel like she is less capable than others -maybe even that she is less capable in other life pursuits and that she can settle for 11th best AKA last with everything? I worry about this. I would love to hear what other parents with experience with this have to say about it.

 

[suebee]

My dd isn't at the top at gym. But she is for sure the best gymnast in her grade at school, and she is darn proud of that. She is proud of her muscles and proud of her skills and proud that she is the only kid in her class who could climb the rope in PE (and she was able to do it multiple times!).

As a PP said, even though she may place last on the team, she is way more accomplished in gymnastics than so many others. I have always wanted to be able to do a ROBHS. Never happened for me.

I've also heard the placements can change a lot and for some kids, things just take a little longer to click. Certainly if your dd does L3 again and continues to work on the skills, she won't be last next year, right?

 

[GYM0M]

I think you're missing a HUGE point. The greatest accomplishments for your dd should not be measured by how well she places from meet to meet. This is her journey, not the journey of her competitors. The competition should not be about beating others, it should be about beating herself, striving & pushing herself to perform better that she did in the last meet. Placements are relative. The girl that scores first or last in one meet could have done the exact opposite in another. But to honestly answer your question, NO, I don't think there will be any lasting effects from coming in last. And think about how proud she will be when she doesn't!! (Let me preface this next part by saying I'm a free-spirited kind of hippie parent AND it's not highly favored around these parts.) In this particular situation, 'hearing' your frustration, if it was me, I would be more concerned about the long term effects of my daughter or son thinking that I didn't believe in them as opposed to where they finished up on the podium. BUT I always finished last in any sport I attempted & my parents were often too involved with my siblings (who were winning at their chosen sport) to notice that I'd failed. My dad doesn't come to watch my son's ballgames or my oldest daughters band performances because they aren't the ones who have stood out. He never misses my nephews as He's a stand out player. The more I think about it: the only thing that my dd has gained from winning in gymnastics is an ego-boost and heartache when she doesn't win the next time, but it's when she loses that she makes more strides, pushes herself, and perseveres. She gets more by losing, IMO. Again, I'm not a competitor, never saw the point of it all. Still don't, really. The thing I enjoy most is watching the small ones I have been blessed with to live, learn, love, & grow.

 

[josie55]

I was a gymnast a long, long time ago. From what I remember, I was never at the top of the pack. When I placed, it was 4th, 5th, 6th or not at all. My teammates (who were also my close friends) were always first or second.

Here's the thing: I don't remember being bothered by it at all. It wasn't a "thing." Now that I'm an adult, I kind of wonder if it bothered my parents but as a kid, I didn't really think much of it. I knew I was a good gymnast just for being on team and being able to do the skills. I knew that others were better than I was. It didn't matter. I was stronger than my classmates, and that was fun. I could do things that nobody else at my school could do. I enjoyed gymnastics. And I identified as a gymnast, which is a very valuable thing as a kid and teen. But I wasn't focused on where I was relative to others; I was focused on my own skills and my own improvement.

I'm pretty sure that today's gymnasts are the same way. Sure, they are aware of how others are doing, but I kind of don't think they are comparing themselves to each other the way sometimes we as parents are comparing.

So FWIW, I can say from experience that there's a lot to be gained from the sport without being at or near the top.

 

[gymmiemom]

I see this sort of thing on here a lot -parents of kids who don't place year after year after year. I do not mean to sound judgmental. I truly can see what a kid can gain from working hard and improving at her own pace but never being at the top of the podium (or anywhere close). It's OK to have to work harder for something than others and it's a great lesson to learn that perseverance is key -we will all come up against many things in life that don't come naturally and those who go get it anyhow rather than quit in frustration will be the real winners. So great life lessons can certainly come from being bottom of the team at each level. And of course there are all the other benefits to gym which are there for the top scorer and the bottom scorer alike -fitness, hard work, being part of a team, not watching too much TV, time management, etc, etc, etc. However, I do wonder if there are also some truly negative effects to being the bottom of the pack again and again despite all the hard work. When I hear of kids who are consistently bottom of the pack I feel worried for my bottom of the pack daughter -is this going to be how her gym "career" always is? How will this effect her? Yes she will learn to work hard and will be fit and will learn about perseverance -but is it OK that she learns to be content with never coming in 1st (or 2nd, or 3rd, etc)? Will that make her feel like she is less capable than others -maybe even that she is less capable in other life pursuits and that she can settle for 11th best AKA last with everything? I worry about this. I would love to hear what other parents with experience with this have to say about it.

I get what you are saying, I really do. Probably because I am competitive by nature. I do think though that it is easier to start thinking in those terms with a sport that in so many ways is individualized, like gymnastics. I try to think about it in comparison to other sports. My oldest daughter isn't the top scorer, or a star so to speak on a basketball court, and I would I ever consider pulling her? No, because she loves basketball and she works her butt off to keep her spot on her invitation only competitive team. But it's easier to not obsess about it because not everyone else on her team is on a podium while she sits and claps. They win and lose together. But in many ways it is similar. Both my ball player and my gymnast have found a sport they are passionate about, both have learned their strengths and weaknesses, both work hard to improve. Whether one nails a bar routine that she has been struggling with while the other one makes 3 baskets and improves the amount of rebounds she got in a game. Do I think that either one of them have lost drive because they are ok with just being ok? No way. Because we as parents have taught them that work ethic is everything. That all we expect from them is a 100% effort. If they are giving that, than what more is there?

The most important thing for me is that my kids are allowed to explore different things until they find their passion. And not to give up too soon. If that passion is there along with work ethic it can eventually all just come together. My oldest DD has been playing basketball since 3rd grade. We used to joke that if she made it through warm ups without falling down she had a good game. Fast forward 3 years and she got invited to the competitive league. She just grew into herself and sticking with it for that long, paid off.

My DD has always set goals at meets (and she is one who used to place all the time in compulsories) to beat herself, because we have never put much emphasis on placements. It's all about progress. And I thank my lucky stars that I found this board so early on because that was one of the first pieces of advice I took from here. And this year, she is a L7. And optionals is a whole new ball game. And when she didn't place in the AA because of a horrid bar routine, she said, "Well mom, I killed that beam today. I made both my back walk overs and my back hand spring!" And that was her goal for the day. To kick that beams butt. And it's all she cared about. At this point I don't care if she never gets on a podium again, I am just so proud of how hard she has worked and how she is so able to recognize her accomplishments at 9 years old without a medal to remind her.

 

[OzZee]

I can't say I regret putting my dd in gymnastics. She has gained so much from it.
Have I wished she would quit, yes, mostly during times of injury or bullying.
Am I sad she is leaving the sport - nope.
I have to admit I don't really like the sport personally, don't watch it etc.
would I be sad if she didn't have something to move on to? Maybe, worried more so about what she would do with her teenage time and sad about her losing all the strength etc she has worked so hard for.