Parents Discouraged daughter/discouraged mom

[sara74]

I'm a long time lurker who needs some words of encouragement.

DD is 10, just started training level 5. She's now setting the gymnastics world on fire, but she loves it, loves the gym, looks forward to every practice and if she's happy, then I'm happy. : ) But this week she's not happy...

At the start of last fall (and her 2nd year of level 4 - which is common for our gym) one of the coaches pulled me aside and mentioned that DD is a little chunky and would likely not move up to 5 at the end of the year. Our 'year' runs from July to June. So in October, before a single meet, I was being told this. I had words with the coach and the owner about the 'chunky' comment. She is not lithe or tiny, but she's not a large girl either. No she doesn't have a teeny build that is good for gymnastics, but no one is under any illusion that she's going to do anything with gymnastics other than enjoy it, so it isn't a concern for me. I have never, and will never, repeat the comment to my daughter. Sadly, because of this, my hands were tied. Every cell of my body told me to run fast and run far, but without telling DD why we were leaving how do I get her to leave a gym where she is happy and has a ton of friends?

Fast forward to now...the season ended, DD was moved up to level 5 (surprise!) and life was good. Until this week. The end of the year banquet came and it seems that she was the only girl moving from 4 to 5 that didn't get an award - like 'hard worker' or 'most improved' or 'gymnast of the year'. We had a talk, while she sobbed, about the fact that she thinks she's working really hard and the coaches don't see it. She told me she feels like the coaches don't like her. I think these words are just coming as a knee jerk reaction to not getting an award (which for the record are just more of a shout out than anything). We had a talk about why she does gymnastics. Is it the trophys? Nope. It's because she loves going 4 days a week. So then why worry about one little shout out at a banquet? But I find that her sadness over this small thing has stirred up my feelings from the fall and I just want someone to vent to and you are the only people who 'get it'. If you've read this far then thank you for your attention!

 

[wallinbl]

If there's another gym nearby, check it out.

 

[wallflower]

The award thing I wouldn't worry too much about. Not everyone can be awarded "hardest worker" etc. The weight comment was rude and if they really felt like her weight was a concern there were other ways to handle it. A friend at DD's gym has a child who is on the heavier side. Her mother was also told that it would be difficult for her to move on to level 6 because of her "fitness level" and the difficulties it was causing her on bars. They explained nicely that she struggled so much in level 5 bars becaus of this and it wouldn't get any easier in level 6. At first the mom was really angry, but in the end decided to help her daughter make healthier choices and it really has made a world of difference.

I'm not at all saying this is the case with your daughter and I think the choice of words was very rude. There is a difference between a coach wanting a particular body type vs helping parents to understand that gymnastics is really hard when a gymnast does not have a high fitness level.

 

[gymmomtotwo]

I totally understand why you have done what you have done so far. She has loved it, been happy etc. I probably wouldn't have cut and run after the chunky comment, even though everything in my mother's brain would cry out for it. She's too old to do something like that to without giving her an explanation.

But now is your chance to get her out of there. There is a huge risk in the next couple of years that she will get some sort of comment about her body from one of the coaches. Not to be overly dramatic, but such a thing could ruin her life for years to come. Years of pain and feeling uncomfortable in her own body. Eating disorders are pure misery, and if she is already feeling insecure about her self and whether or not people like her etc., even one comment can trigger problems. I'd look into the possibility of other gyms. If she is Level 5 ready, hopefully there is a team out there with room for her. The awards thing was pretty hurtful too. If she was the only one excluded, I don't blame her. They couldn't come up with something for her? Such thing are of course pretty meaningless if everyone gets a shout out/label, but not doing it for only one kid is just mean.

I guess your other option is to meet with the owner/coach, find out what their plans for your daughter are, make it clear that her body size is never to be brought up again to her or to you again. There is some sort of vote of confidence for her there by moving her up. It's possible they didn't intend to be mean. You might get some sort of a feeling from meeting with them how they feel about her that might help you decide.

The chunky comment is hugely troubling to me.

 

[UnoMas]

Mmmmm. It's great that they moved her up to 5...they obviously see something in her to move her up and not hold her back! Were there other girls at the awards that got nothing? Like, the ones who were not moved up? Personally, I think every single kid should get an award at a gym's awards celebration. I have to wonder too if your DD might be feeling some subtle vibes from the coaches in other ways...??? At practice, etc. The sad thing is....that happens in too many gyms. The comment about the coaches not "liking" her worries me.
Sounds like a good time to at least check out new gyms! It can't hurt. Seems like there are enough concerns to go ahead and do that. She might be much happier at a new gym.

 

[maryRS]

I think the weight comment was out of line given her age, level and not having even competing one meet. Well, really I think it was out of line period, but it would really bother me as a mother and I'd have a hard time keeping her there. I don't know what I'd say to her as the reason, but I wouldn't tell her about it either.

The banquet awards, well I don't know, I've been involved in youth sports for a long long time, and I've been on both ends, and it does happen. I think some kids are more sensitive to it, as are some parents. I wouldn't use that as a reason to leave though, but the weight comment would nag at me.

I'm a long time lurker who needs some words of encouragement.

DD is 10, just started training level 5. She's now setting the gymnastics world on fire, but she loves it, loves the gym, looks forward to every practice and if she's happy, then I'm happy. : ) But this week she's not happy...

At the start of last fall (and her 2nd year of level 4 - which is common for our gym) one of the coaches pulled me aside and mentioned that DD is a little chunky and would likely not move up to 5 at the end of the year. Our 'year' runs from July to June. So in October, before a single meet, I was being told this. I had words with the coach and the owner about the 'chunky' comment. She is not lithe or tiny, but she's not a large girl either. No she doesn't have a teeny build that is good for gymnastics, but no one is under any illusion that she's going to do anything with gymnastics other than enjoy it, so it isn't a concern for me. I have never, and will never, repeat the comment to my daughter. Sadly, because of this, my hands were tied. Every cell of my body told me to run fast and run far, but without telling DD why we were leaving how do I get her to leave a gym where she is happy and has a ton of friends?

Fast forward to now...the season ended, DD was moved up to level 5 (surprise!) and life was good. Until this week. The end of the year banquet came and it seems that she was the only girl moving from 4 to 5 that didn't get an award - like 'hard worker' or 'most improved' or 'gymnast of the year'. We had a talk, while she sobbed, about the fact that she thinks she's working really hard and the coaches don't see it. She told me she feels like the coaches don't like her. I think these words are just coming as a knee jerk reaction to not getting an award (which for the record are just more of a shout out than anything). We had a talk about why she does gymnastics. Is it the trophys? Nope. It's because she loves going 4 days a week. So then why worry about one little shout out at a banquet? But I find that her sadness over this small thing has stirred up my feelings from the fall and I just want someone to vent to and you are the only people who 'get it'. If you've read this far then thank you for your attention!

 

[sara74]

Thanks for the replies, everyone!

The awards part - I stressed to DD that (IMO) she's into gymnastics for a lot more than a simple shout out at the annual awards banquet and she agreed. She really truly enjoys it and that's why she goes...well, that and the sparkly leo ;-)

And for the weight thing - we eat healthy foods and she is an active kid (taking daily tennis lessons and a member of a summer swim team as well as gymnastics 4 days a week) so I don't know how much more I can do without actually putting her on a diet and I can't bring myself to do that! I'm realistic, if she makes it to optionals I will be over the moon thrilled for her - but will her losing a few pounds make or break that? I don't know. I'm grateful that before the coach ever made that comment her pediatrician told me that in adolescence kids tend to thicken up and then thin out as they gain height, so I had that in my head while the coach was talking.

As for other gyms, we've got a Y and another gym with a very, very low key program (much like a Y) near us. Then we have a much more competitive gym, where I am sure they would put her back at level 4 and the last choice is a gym where the coach is a known screamer. Not great options for us. I really don't want her to have to leave. But I do want her to feel happy and confident. I feel like she got a vote of confidence by being moved up. Thankfully, she is away at sleepaway camp this week - maybe this will all be out of her head when she comes back?

 

[LizzieLac]

You never mention what the HC said when you brought up the chunky comment. Is the other coach who made the comment still there? Does he/she coach your DD?

It may have been one time stupid thing, which I agree is totally unnecessary and potentially damaging, but the comment was made to you not your DD. I think you are right to be "on alert" at this point, but look pretty deeply into all of this before you make a decision. Good luck!!

 

[GymBee97]

Since you have already considered moving but didn't want to pull her because she was happy there this would be a great time to do some visits to other gyms. She isn't feeling that great about the gym or the coaches so she might be open to the idea that there might be somewhere else that appreciates her.

its true I know my DD doesn't do it for the medals either but when you notice your the only one not getting a shout out and everyone else is its hard not to have that matter. This with the "chunky" comment would have me looking around for another place to see what else is out there. Kids bounce back from a move and will make friends easily. If there are any friends at current gym they should be able to still be friends without gymnastics.

 

[UnoMas]

As for other gyms, we've got a Y and another gym with a very, very low key program (much like a Y) near us. Then we have a much more competitive gym, where I am sure they would put her back at level 4 and the last choice is a gym where the coach is a known screamer. Not great options for us. I really don't want her to have to leave. But I do want her to feel happy and confident. I feel like she got a vote of confidence by being moved up. Thankfully, she is away at sleepaway camp this week - maybe this will all be out of her head when she comes back?

Before we switched gyms, I really felt like our options were not that great either. I felt like we really had nowhere else to go...but I am SO glad I took a leap of faith and checked out another program. Sometimes, when you get in there and look harder you find out some of the things you "know" about the other programs aren't true. It's so hard. But I do think this is the time to at least check other places out. Off season is a GREAT time to move gyms...if that is what you would need to do.

 

[iwannacoach]

The award thing I wouldn't worry too much about. Not everyone can be awarded "hardest worker" etc. The weight comment was rude and if they really felt like her weight was a concern there were other ways to handle it. A friend at DD's gym has a child who is on the heavier side. Her mother was also told that it would be difficult for her to move on to level 6 because of her "fitness level" and the difficulties it was causing her on bars. They explained nicely that she struggled so much in level 5 bars becaus of this and it wouldn't get any easier in level 6. At first the mom was really angry, but in the end decided to help her daughter make healthier choices and it really has made a world of difference.

I completely agree with each and every post calling the term "chunky" out of line, and I hope that the coach who used that term has learned not to use it in the future.

My problem with the discussion is that body composition can make, or quite literally, break a gymnast, and I'm relieved to have read in your second post that you provide your dd with healthy food choices. I wouldn't recommend a diet, but would like to offer a few, hopefully helpfull thoughts....

You, your daughter, and the rest of your family have invested time, money, emotional and physical energy into her gymnastics enterprise, and my feeling is that such sacrifices need to be rewarded in a way that is meaningfull to all of you. IMO every physical and mental trait need be optimized to each specific individual's potential. To do any less seems a handicap for the child. So in the same sense that a gymnast works on strength and flexibility, it is also wise to find the lowest, heathful body weight. This should be done only as a constructive compliment to all of the other activities that go along with gymnastics, and in no way should it be construed by any party as trying to "fit" into the prototypical gymnastic body.

Consider that the strange "vibes" your dd get from the coaches is a result of their sensitivity to the issue, as it is always hard to see a gymnast who works hard but, could have more success by fine tuning some aspect of their mental or physical tools. And in the case of your dd, they simply don't know how to give her the help they think she needs.

A few fun facts about the human body.... All of us need to carry a minumum amount of fat stores to live a healthy life. It's just how we're built. Trying to change that leads to problems. A diet can cause a metabolic reaction that causes the body to store as much fat as possible, when present in the diet, to be used to endure through what the body perceives as famine.

The majority of calories consumed in a day are used to power our brains and other organs, and to keep our bodies heated to 98.6. A small amount of our caloric intake is used for normal daily activities, including athletics. Extreme exercise does not create a need for extreme caloric intake, a few hundred extra calories should be enough.

Bodies of differing ethnic origins will store fat differently. Some may store fat internally around the organs with very little seen near the body surface, while others may store fat at just under the skin with a minimum amount surrounding the organs. So while one person may look leaner, the opposite could be true. It's possible your dd simply carries more of her neccesary fat stores just below her skin, so.........

Fat is used to provide a "trickle" source of energy, and the mechanism that triggers it's use by the body are often suppressed by vigorous exercise, kinda like, why use it if you're burning complex carbs and glycogen. The problem is the fat burning mechanism has to be restarted with about 20 minutes of gentle exercise. If not done, the body feels an increased fatigue level as it has no abundant supply of energy. So 20 minutes of yard work, house chores, bike riding, or ?????, will help use available fat stores, and provide faster recovery from an intense work-out.


I hope you can get some good out of what I had to offer. This is not about dieting, or looking "good", or complying with that coach's wishes. It's about what your daughter possible wants for herself.....a chance to make gymnastics easier, and to realize more progress from the work she's put into it.

Consider all of this before you change gyms.

 

[Chocoholic]

The award thing I wouldn't worry too much about. Not everyone can be awarded "hardest worker" etc. The weight comment was rude and if they really felt like her weight was a concern there were other ways to handle it. A friend at DD's gym has a child who is on the heavier side. Her mother was also told that it would be difficult for her to move on to level 6 because of her "fitness level" and the difficulties it was causing her on bars. They explained nicely that she struggled so much in level 5 bars becaus of this and it wouldn't get any easier in level 6. At first the mom was really angry, but in the end decided to help her daughter make healthier choices and it really has made a world of difference.

I completely agree with each and every post calling the term "chunky" out of line, and I hope that the coach who used that term has learned not to use it in the future.

My problem with the discussion is that body composition can make, or quite literally, break a gymnast, and I'm relieved to have read in your second post that you provide your dd with healthy food choices. I wouldn't recommend a diet, but would like to offer a few, hopefully helpfull thoughts....

You, your daughter, and the rest of your family have invested time, money, emotional and physical energy into her gymnastics enterprise, and my feeling is that such sacrifices need to be rewarded in a way that is meaningfull to all of you. IMO every physical and mental trait need be optimized to each specific individual's potential. To do any less seems a handicap for the child. So in the same sense that a gymnast works on strength and flexibility, it is also wise to find the lowest, heathful body weight. This should be done only as a constructive compliment to all of the other activities that go along with gymnastics, and in no way should it be construed by any party as trying to "fit" into the prototypical gymnastic body.

.

In a world where kids were rational beings, I would agree with this. It makes total sense to try and optimize your body for success, just as you work on strength and flexibility. But here's what makes me nervous about your advice. Humans are often irrational and girls particularly so. My daughter's best friend who was always thin and healthy developed anorexia at the age of 10. She wasn't a gymnast, but was an anxious, perfectionist type kid who took the gym teacher's advice about "healthy eating" to heart and then developed a distorted body image. Eating disorders are SO scary and very difficult to combat. I talk with my daughter about eating healthy and stopping when full, but I won't ever go farther than that. I've learned that it is much better to have a healthy (not thin) child than a child staring down a potentially fatal illness.

As an aside, my daughter's friend is doing much better and my daughter has on her own (perhaps with maturity) started to regulate her diet a bit more.

 

[iwannacoach]

QUOTE:
In a world where kids were rational beings, I would agree with this. It makes total sense to try and optimize your body for success, just as you work on strength and flexibility. But here's what makes me nervous about your advice. Humans are often irrational and girls particularly so.
END QUOTE

I think it's a matter of how things are presented to a child. There should be no problem if they respect the healthy advice they are given, and are told the pitfalls of over doing it.

I don't think this is the sort of thing that can be done on a whim. Parents who are inclined to work towards weight optimization need to educate themselves in areas of nutrition and metabolism.

Most of all....The kids don't even need to be aware of anything other than a few small tweaks being made to the entire family's dietary and exercise routine, as these changes are good for every one.

As far as risking an eating disorder..... I think the odds of that happening are pretty slight, and eating disorders aren't the result of trying to be healthy. IMO they are about being something you feel you are not, ie popular, attractive, in control of something, anything in your life.

Speaking of odds.....What are the odds for our children if we constantly protect them from the extraordinaries, and while doing so keep them for realizing the wealth of rewards that come from being engaged and committed. I can promise you that a child with optimized weight will suffer fewer injuries, and see faster results than would be possible while lifting a few extra pounds through every skill.

What greater investment can a child make than to put all their energy into something they're passionate about. The very present danger is that our "protections" will rob them the rewards for those "investments", and the real lesson they'll learn is to not invest in the first place, in many other aspects of life and learning.

I hope that didn't come off as criticism of the op or any other posts. It's just been my experience that the kids who are "protected" usually have the least chance for success...and they know it.

 

[bogwoppit]

Just a moderating note.

We do not discuss weight on this forum. It just never goes well and with small eyes able to read we are unsure of the impact. Please stay off the topic.

 

[sara74]

OP here again. Thanks for all of the responses everyone!

The day the initial comment was made I went home, made sure the kids were occupied and called the coach back and gave her an earful. Interestingly, she works mostly with prep op and preteam/level 3. So she hasn't coached DD in a couple of years. I am grateful that her direct contact with this coach is minimal although until this comment I thought the world of this woman. I spoke to the gym owner and to the coach who works most often with DD and they both had already heard from the one who made the comment and told me how it all "just came out wrong" and how terribly she felt. I did consider the issue closed and went ahead with the feeling of "if DD is happy then I will let it go". You see, I'm trying to learn to let more things roll of my back in general (aren't most of us trying that?) and thought this was a good opportunity to practice that. It all resurfaced when DD felt so sad after the banquet. Someone who posted about the perfectionist kid before must have met my daughter - she's extremely hard on herself and internalizes everything so I tread carefully and don't want to mess with her body image forever based on an off hand remark.

I can also see the point of a coach wishing their gymnasts could reach the potential that they see in them. To that end, DD is enrolled in a summer swim team that swims 5X a week in the thought that more arm strength, cross training and another hour of exercise a day (plus fun with friends and her brother in a pool!) might be helpful. Also, if she ever wanted to leave the gym and try another sport then swim might be a choice for her so we're trying to keep her involved in other things.

DD will be home from sleep away camp in 4 days. I am hoping that she will be so excited from that experience that the banquet will be out of her mind and she carries on happily. I'm going to see how things look when she gets back to practice before I start shopping for another gym. I don't normally sit in on practices but I am going to watch a few and see how things feel - I need to trust my gut if I am going to trust them with my daughter!

 

[MaryA]

Yes, at this point I'd probably be sitting in on practices too.

 

[EastCoast]

ath: THANK YOU BOGWOPPIT !