Parents First disappointing meet... And a lot of life lessons

[meganliz77]

DD (7) had her second level 4 meet last night... She moved to 4 only 4 weeks ago. At her first level 4 meet last weekend, she rocked it. Last night was a big one with a lot of strong competition. In the end though, she made huge mistakes that brought her to the middle of the pack on our team. Something she has never experienced. She was beyond bummed. She did take 3rd place in beam.

We had to remind her that some of her teammates and other girls never win a trophy. That she needed to still celebrate for her teammates who were given a chance to shine. Let it go and work that much harder next time. It was bound to happen at some point, but it made for a bummer night!

 

[profmom]

It's part of the experience, and it's a good learning opportunity. DD did not get her first gymnastics medal until almost the end of her first competitive season. I think it really helped her to focus on her own performance and what she wanted to accomplish with her skills rather than on placements and scores. It's never too early to encourage them to set their own benchmarks for success! Hope she feels better this morning and can find the bright spots in what she accomplished yesterday. The disappointment generally passes very quickly, I've found.

 

[samsmama]

I'm sorry. We just went through this last weekend with 8-year-old DS's first-ever meet. It was so heart-breaking to watch. He performed very well, but he was in a massive group of 66 other boys, so he didn't get a medal while his teammates, who were in much less competitive age groups, got medals with lower scores than DS.

It really was painful for him, me, and the coach, but ultimately, I think it was not such a bad thing. He bounced back quickly and spent the past week really focused on improving his scores. He now gets that placements are based on a lot of things he can't control. At least I think he gets it... we have another big meet tomorrow, so we will see how he reacts if he ends up in the same position again!

I hope your DD feels better soon!

 

[Mrs. Puma]

It's so hard at that age... but it is a good lesson like you said. Mine was also disappointed last week. Sounds like you're doing a good job focusing on the positives...Good luck!!!

 

[Canadian_gym_mom]

Sorry she was disappointed but I actually think that rocking every meet with medals at a young age makes things harder as the girls (and boys) progress through higher levels. Having a so so meet once in a while early on I think prepares them better mentally for what is inevitably to come.



Edited to add that I agree with the point that she should try to make non placement related goals for meets, so where she comes won't matter as much. Like, stick her beam dismount, etc.

 

[Iwannabemargo]

Its hard for them, especially when they are motivated by shineys, I know mine is, but here only top 3 medal so most girls come away with nothing, its a good lesson in humility and controlling your emotions

 

[Mrs. Puma]

Sorry she was disappointed but I actually think that rocking every meet with medals at a young age makes things harder as the girls (and boys) progress through higher levels. Having a so so meet once in a while early on I think prepares them better mentally for what is inevitably to come.



Edited to add that I agree with the point that she should try to make non placement related goals for meets, so where she comes won't matter as much. Like, stick her beam dismount, etc.

Yes, my DD has a specific goal for each event. That definitely helps!

 

[meganliz77]

Sorry she was disappointed but I actually think that rocking every meet with medals at a young age makes things harder as the girls (and boys) progress through higher levels. Having a so so meet once in a while early on I think prepares them better mentally for what is inevitably to come.



Edited to add that I agree with the point that she should try to make non placement related goals for meets, so where she comes won't matter as much. Like, stick her beam dismount, etc.

My daughter does make non-placement goals for each meet... Straight legs on double ROBHS, hitting her long hang kip, hitting vertical handstand on beam... Etc.

But that was part of the issue... She missed some things that were important to her and she knows it's not like her.

This is her second competitive season in only two years of gymnastics.. This is the first time she was not top three in at least 3 events. She's 'that kid'.

But I still think that in hindsight it was good and humbling. That her disappointment in herself will only drive her to push harder. As her mom, I didn't care about lack of placement it was more just seeing the sheer disappointment in herself that broke my heart. But you win some and you WILL lose some... And I think when she has to face this again at some point in the future, she will only be better prepared!

Thank you everyone for the feedback!

 

[beachgirl]

My daughter has that coming in a couple of weeks. She just moved up to L5 last week and is not prepared to compete bars in two weeks at all. She was used to being one of the best in L3 and L4 and now we are just hoping to get the mobility score. I have been gently talking to her about it all week. I'm hopping ice cream will help. I hope your daughter rocks the next meet.

 

[GymMomof2Girls]

Original poster, what meet was it? My daughter also had a really tough level 4 meet yesterday in MA.

 

[meganliz77]

Original poster, what meet was it? My daughter also had a really tough level 4 meet yesterday in MA.

Definitely not in MA!! We are in the Midwest... We live very rural so when we travel south (3 1/2 hrs) in our state to the metro area we face a lot of difficult competition. DD usually holds her own and is typically the top scorer for our team. But yesterday she was biggest challenge to herself!

 

[GymMomof2Girls]

Same situation here. Mine is 9 and has been doing great - yesterday's meet was a shocker, although her team did take 1st. Guess it's a good, yet tough, lesson.

 

[meganliz77]

So for those of you that replied your kiddos are going thru the same thing--- how are they handling it today? Two days later and when a relative asks how her meet went she chokes up. I just had another heart to heart with her and told her we are not going to spend any more time feeling bad about this 1 meet!! I mean my hubby is frustrated with her because as he put it-- even with her mistakes she STILL was better than half her team on that day... He expects her go just "get over it"--I get it.

But I'm still struggling how to get my kiddo to understand that one meet performance does not define her. She's really competitive, but I didn't realize HOW competitive until now...

 

[IreneKa]

Original poster, what meet was it? My daughter also had a really tough level 4 meet yesterday in MA.

My DD had a level 4 meet on Friday in MA. We were in an "easy" session, but my DD also didn't do very well.
Oh well, there's always the next one. These girls are still amazing!

 

[GymMomof2Girls]

My DD had a level 4 meet on Friday in MA. We were in an "easy" session, but my DD also didn't do very well.
Oh well, there's always the next one. These girls are still amazing!

Was it Brestyan's? If so, what session?

 

[GymMomof2Girls]

So for those of you that replied your kiddos are going thru the same thing--- how are they handling it today? Two days later and when a relative asks how her meet went she chokes up. I just had another heart to heart with her and told her we are not going to spend any more time feeling bad about this 1 meet!! I mean my hubby is frustrated with her because as he put it-- even with her mistakes she STILL was better than half her team on that day... He expects her go just "get over it"--I get it.

But I'm still struggling how to get my kiddo to understand that one meet performance does not define her. She's really competitive, but I didn't realize HOW competitive until now...

Mine is fine today. Although she's only 9, this is her 4th year competing. She realizes that this was a very tough scoring meet. Last meet she did awesome. This one, not so much. She is mature enough to realize there will be good meets and not so good meets. She knows she executed her routines well but realizes what could've been better.
How old is your daughter? We've explained to ours that in this sport she has to be prepared for many highs and lows. And that what's important is that she loves what she's doing and enjoys the sport no matter what her scores are at any particular meet.

 

[rjb123]

My DD is a nice little gymnast, but not a superstar. She is 8, finished L5 and will do L6 this spring. She has won, lost and everything in between. The way that we have handled this issue is 1) we can talk about, rehash, analyze, etc a meet ONLY on the day of the meet. As of midnight that day it is over. Past. Time to move onward and upward. 2) She knows that EVERYONE has good and bad meets, heck good and bad seasons! That is this sport. If you want to do it, you must accept it and work through it. 3).At the end of the day, at the end of the "bad" meet, we always ask her "do you still love gymnastics EVEN THOUGH YOU DIDN'T WIN or were last or whatever". Thus far she always says yes, and we tell her that it is good, and that is the most important thing! Each meet is just a snapshot in time- anything can happen on any given day. You go out, do your best and move on because you love it. Hope this helps!

 

[CanAmGymMum]

I'm going to be very blunt. I realize your daughter is young, but, whether she's 7 or 17, she needs to learn how to control her emotions and move on. She should not be in tears 2 days after her meet, no matter how competitive she is. She needs to turn those negative emotions into competitive drive in the gym in order to do better next time. This is a hard thing to do, but is necessary for longevity in the sport.

Also, you need to stop comparing her performance to that of her teammates. She's only 7, and level 4. Young kids develop at different rates, and, although she may be the best level 4 gymnast at your club right now, the gap between her and her teammates may very well narrow as they progress through the levels. The best level 4 gymnasts are not always the best level 10/elite gymnasts. Make sure you're not defining her success as how she places among teammates who she may not always beat down the road.

As a parent, I realize how hard it is to watch your child have a less than optimal competition. But, at that same competition, there are usually a few things that your child improved upon, even if it's just a part of a routine. Refocus her on these things. A simple, "I know you work hard and you'll do better next time" is all she should need to get over the rest.

There are always bigger fish in the sea. As parents, it will benefit our gymnasts if we can shift the focus off medals, trophies and placements relative to team members, and onto individual performance and love for the sport. It's always fun to win. But, at the end of the day, those who let that define their gymnastics will not be the ones around at level 10 and beyond.

To op, I would explain to your dd what sportsmanship is and let her know that she is displaying poor sportsmanship. Talk to her about how poor sportsmanship can negatively affect performance and that if she wants to continue to improve she needs to improve her attitude. I agree with your husband on this one- she needs to get over it.

 

[SurpriseGymMom]

Coming from the perspective of the Mom of a gymmie who almost never places or wins anything....
I have to be honest and say that my very first reaction is "what a sore loser". Please understand that I don't say that in a mean way, and I realize you feel much of the same and that's why you're here to ask how you can help her deal with it better. I think also there's a huge difference between being disappointed in oneself for not doing a good job vs being "ungrateful" for not placing, and I would handle the scenarios very differently.

There's a great chance here for a life lesson. Nothing gets handed out for free. Sometimes even when you work your hardest and do your best, you don't get recognized. Most of the time, no matter how good you are, someone else might be even better. You should be grateful and gracious every single time you do manage to place well. You should be equally gracious when someone else happened to be better that day and you DON'T place. If it was my kid I would be very upset with them if they were acting like spoiled brats for not placing (not saying that is the case here but I have seen it happen...).

In the case of her being hard on herself for not doing her best, that IMHO is harder if you have a kid like my older DD who is a perfectionist and almost always only sees her own flaws and is incredibly hard on herself. No amount of me talking to her positively can make her "overlook" her perceived flaws. She's getting better at it but also in a way worse because she's older and internalizes it more. When she feels she did horrible at something, it makes it worse for her if I try to cheer her up and point out the things she did well, I don't really know why but she has told me so. Once she has had time to dissect it and process a bit, then we can discuss it a little and I'm always conscious about being honest with her "yes, I did see you mess that step up but I don't think the audience noticed, and you nailed that triple turn which looked amazing... "I try to gloss over the faults and move on to the positive, as she emphasizes the (usually minor) flaws and makes them ginormous in her mind to where her entire dance now only consists of a giant stumble, KWIM?

Like I said, she is slightly better now, but she is 13 and it has been many years of me emphasizing the positives and we are still nowhere NEAR achieving "zen" with her. She is wired this way and will probably always be very self critical and partly that is a good thing as long as she can also let it go a little bit and not let a misstep or a bad competition bring her down.

Regardless of which scenario is closest to yours here.... I would tell her enough is enough at this point and she needs to shake it off. Moping for several days about not placing is unacceptable regardless of WHY she is moping, I would just explain it to her differently depending on which one it is. Sometimes the luck of the draw just so happens to be that you are in a group with a lot of super duper talented kids who score really well, other times you may get lucky and pull a placement out of thin air and win with a score that wouldn't even have placed in a different age group..!

 

[meganliz77]

I'm going to be very blunt. I realize your daughter is young, but, whether she's 7 or 17, she needs to learn how to control her emotions and move on. She should not be in tears 2 days after her meet, no matter how competitive she is. She needs to turn those negative emotions into competitive drive in the gym in order to do better next time. This is a hard thing to do, but is necessary for longevity in the sport.

Also, you need to stop comparing her performance to that of her teammates. She's only 7, and level 4. Young kids develop at different rates, and, although she may be the best level 4 gymnast at your club right now, the gap between her and her teammates may very well narrow as they progress through the levels. The best level 4 gymnasts are not always the best level 10/elite gymnasts. Make sure you're not defining her success as how she places among teammates who she may not always beat down the road.

As a parent, I realize how hard it is to watch your child have a less than optimal competition. But, at that same competition, there are usually a few things that your child improved upon, even if it's just a part of a routine. Refocus her on these things. A simple, "I know you work hard and you'll do better next time" is all she should need to get over the rest.

There are always bigger fish in the sea. As parents, it will benefit our gymnasts if we can shift the focus off medals, trophies and placements relative to team members, and onto individual performance and love for the sport. It's always fun to win. But, at the end of the day, those who let that define their gymnastics will not be the ones around at level 10 and beyond.

To op, I would explain to your dd what sportsmanship is and let her know that she is displaying poor sportsmanship. Talk to her about how poor sportsmanship can negatively affect performance and that if she wants to continue to improve she needs to improve her attitude. I agree with your husband on this one- she needs to get over it.

I don't disagree with this and also believes she needs to get over it... I just don't know at 7 if it's that easy . Based on one of the other replies I think her immaturity is showing on this instance. We did talk to her immediately after the meet when everyone was able to read how
disappointed she was. We told
her that she needed to support her other teammates and shake it off.
We also told her that she is expected to conduct herself differently win or lose. Keep in mind this is the first time she has experienced this... It's a learning curve (a much expected one) for her and us as her parents. And for the record neither my hubby or I have ever compared her to the other girls on her own team. We cheer all of the girls on and my DD has always been very supportive of her teammates. The comparison came as a last resort out of frustration today--like "knock it off".. And to encourage her to appreciate her teammates who never reach the podium despite trying their very best each week and respect how they conduct themselves.

And as a side note, i realize my daughter will likely lose against some of her teammates in the future also. If she was going to have a cruddy meet I expected one of these last 4 meets of the season as she was just moved to level 4 after states. She's upset she messed up skills she knows she has. But I have no doubt she will continue to be one of strongest on her team... She's got something special and loves this sport. She has only been in gymnastics for almost two years and her teammates are on average 3 years older and have been in the gym much longer.

That's why I came here to vent it out and ask what's normal... I want to help her in the long run and her longevity in this sport!!
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