Parents First disappointing meet... And a lot of life lessons

[CanAmGymMum]

But I have no doubt she will continue to be one of strongest on her team... She's got something special and loves this sport. She has only been in gymnastics for almost two years and her teammates are on average 3 years older and have been in the gym much longer.

This could be true or another little one could join team tomorrow and surpass her. The number of years of experience at 7 years old are not that significant. Having "no doubt" she will continue to be one of the strongest is a pretty lofty expectation. Your daughter could be very talented. But unless she is able to overcome the challenges and obstacles that, at some time, every gymnast is faced with in this sport, her talent is irrelevant.

Go look at mymeetscores online. How many level 4 state champions continued on to be successful level 10s? Perseverance and a healthy attitude toward the sport are more important. Seven year olds are impressionable and you can help shape this attitude. I believe you are trying to do this, which is why you came on here. I was just trying to offer some perspective.

 

[NutterButter]

Also, you need to stop comparing her performance to that of her teammates. She's only 7, and level 4. Young kids develop at different rates, and, although she may be the best level 4 gymnast at your club right now, the gap between her and her teammates may very well narrow as they progress through the levels. The best level 4 gymnasts are not always the best level 10/elite gymnasts. Make sure you're not defining her success as how she places among teammates who she may not always beat down the road.

THIS! I've noticed in several of your posts that you either compare your DD to her teammates or compare her to what your perception is of the "metro" gyms that may have better facilities, coaches, etc to your outstate gym. I know you are proud of her (and heck, she has accomplished so much in such a short amount of time and you all should be proud!!), but I've noticed that the comparisons often come at the expense of other gymmies. It needs to be a simple "I'm proud of you!" not "I'm proud of you and even on your bad day you still beat half the team!". See what I mean? I'm sure you don't intentionally mean to put the others down but it still has the same end result. Your DD needs to understand that having a bad meet doesn't mean that she is a bad gymnast. And if a teammate does better than her it is not because your DD had a bad day.

 

[headoverheels]

My DD had her first meet at level 5 last weekend and she didn't place at all. She is 10 and this is her third year of competing, and this has never ever happened to her before. I've been waiting for it, frankly. She is a fairly good gymnast and has what her coach calls "beautiful lines". On bars she forgot herself and did a back hip circle instead of a clear hip (not that I think it would have mattered, placement-wise). We were watching the scores online and we knew before awards that she was not going to medal, and this particular meet did not give "participation medals" all the out in AA, so when she came to me and asked if she placed I told her she did not. I was very proud of how she took it, and she pointed out to me that she made her flyaway and her full turn & BWO on beam. Then later in the car she kept going on about how she wanted a medal, and there may have been a tear or two although it was dark so I can't say for sure. I talked to her about how gymnastics is not all about the medals, and how sometimes you work hard and you still don't place. This is a fantastic lesson for her to learn because I am SURE this is not the last time she will come out of a meet empty handed and she needs to know how to deal with disappointment. She also needs to be reminded that progress is the goal, not a wall full of medals.

The OP asked how our disappointed kids were doing a few days later. She has mentioned the meet a couple of times since then but she doesn't sad about it. Just to make a point, today I asked her who won first place in vault in her age group and of course she didn't know. And then she said even if no one else remembered, the winner still did. Little smarty-pants! But she said understood what I was getting at. That meet is over and we are looking forward to the next one.

OP, if she's just 7 and this is the first time she's walked away disappointed, you have a golden opportunity right now to set the precedent for how you expect her to handle it in the future. It might help if you sit down with her and tell her she has 5 minutes (or however long) to tell you how she feels about it and then she's to let it go. In fact, just to keep it lighthearted you might even sing a few bars of "Let It Go". Or develop some other symbolism to help her remember to look forward and not back. (I think I'm giving myself advice here too) Maybe ask her to tell you three good things about the meet so she focuses on the positives. (Again, good advice for me too)

I like the rule about putting a time limit on the meet discussion (around here we call it "post-meet analysis").

 

[meganliz77]

This could be true or another little one could join team tomorrow and surpass her. The number of years of experience at 7 years old are not that significant. Having "no doubt" she will continue to be one of the strongest is a pretty lofty expectation. Your daughter could be very talented. But unless she is able to overcome the challenges and obstacles that, at some time, every gymnast is faced with in this sport, her talent is irrelevant.

Go look at mymeetscores online. How many level 4 state champions continued on to be successful level 10s? Perseverance and a healthy attitude toward the sport are more important. Seven year olds are impressionable and you can help shape this attitude. I believe you are trying to do this, which is why you came on here. I was just trying to offer some perspective.

You are right. And I can admit when I am being defensive and that's where I went with that... And you are right that is exactly why I came here... She isn't moping-- her grandparents called to see how her meet went as they winter in Texas. They are very close with DD, and I think that, right or wrong, she was sad having to rehash it again.. Again it was less about placement and mostly about "I screwed up on every event!"--her words. She knows where she went wrong and now we will see what she does with it... I will be better prepared to help her in the future with disappointment and hopefully she will be better prepared to deal with it also!! .

 

[bookworm]

I may be out of the loop here but I don't think that "finishing in the middle of the pack of her team" and "3rd place on beam" makes for a "dissappointing meet"...if she truly (in her words) "screwed up on every event" , then she was pretty lucky to finish in the middle and 3rd...I certainly would not be wallowing in the results of one meet at level 4...it happened and it's time to move on.

 

[B.Gold]

She may just feel like she let her coaches down. She probably senses her coaches think she has something special and she's afraid her self-perceived "poor performance" will affect how they feel about her. Hopefully, she'll go to gym tomorrow and nothing will have changed and she'll feel better.

My heart goes out to her that she's hurting. Next time will be easier for her, she'll be able to predict nothing changes because of a bad meet.

 

[GymMomof2Girls]

Just curious, what were her scores?

 

[meganliz77]

She ended with a 32.675 all around score... Last weekend (first level 4 meet) she finished with a 35.95...

 

[Committed]

My DD is also 7yo, and she competed L4 in the fall. She did not do well at her 1st meet, and was visibly upset on the gym floor. Afterwards, she came to me and cried her eyes out. We had a very long heart-to-heart.

The two most important things that she took away from that conversation:
#1- congratulate her teammates. Though she's feeling badly, they're very excited, and they deserve to be able to enjoy their accomplishments.
#2- every meet is different. Just like you have a good day at practice and a bad day at practice, you will have both at meets. Plus, a lot rides on the session and the judges. The 6th place you got on bars would have been 2nd in a different session. OR...... the 2nd you got on beam, would have been 5th if you were against XYZ gym at the earlier session. All you can do is your best and see how it pans out that day.

She definitely developed a better outlook as season progressed. Yes, it helped that her scores increased dramatically , but being able to celebrate her friend's successes was so important.

 

[kayjaybe]

Honestly, it is good to get some practice at having some less successful meets when they are younger. I've seen girls that are used to not only medaling but being on the podium completely lose it when they don't get "enough" medals.

My dd is a middle-of-the-pack girl at best. She's had many meets where she's gotten 0 medals, some where she's squeezed out some middle-of-the-pack ones and on rare occasion nails it. Because of this, she's learned to handle both ends of the spectrum with grace. She felt bad during her first meet this year when she finally got her first ever 1st place AA medal, because she felt bad she met her teammates.

Your dd is young, so it is important to set the stage now for how you treat these situations and how you expect her to treat them. IMO, some of the most important lessons learned in gymnastics have nothing to do with gymnastics.

 

[Faolmor]

I think it's important to acknowledge feelings of disappointment so your child feels heard and validated. "You were really looking forward to doing well, and you felt you could have done better. It can feel so disappointing when that happens, and it's okay to feel that way."

Let's face it - plenty of adults spend plenty of time sulking about things that don't go their way, long after the event (occasion, whatever) has ended. Perhaps if someone had taught them that it is okay to feel disappointed, they might be better at teaching others to cope with the same feelings! (Not saying anyone here isn't, btw...just making a general observation.)

Sometimes, it can be hard to move on from those sorts of feelings, if they're not appropriately acknowledged. Taking a "suck it up" attitude isn't always helpful, in every instance.

However, having said all that, yes, once the feelings have been acknowledged, then it's important to go ahead and suggests ways to move forward, even for a 7 year old experiencing her first ever disappointing meet. If it's the first time her dreams have been rocked, then it absolutely will hurt. But it's a great opportunity to motivate her now to focus on all the positives of the meet - and improving for next time (as well as coping next time if it goes pear-shaped again).

 

[gymmomtoo]

Yup, everyone has a meet like that--it's actually nice, as others have said, that she's getting this when she's 7, so she doesn't get used to placing and winning all the time! I'd tell her that everyone has a bad meet, she can go back to the gym and work on what she messed up on, so maybe next time she'll do better.

Would definitely steer away from the comparisons to teammates and encourage her to cheer for her teammates who did better--I think you're giving her a good foundation for being a good sport, helping her to realize that a really good teammate cheers others on even when she's down will make her well liked by coaches and teammates alike.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

it's important for kids and parents in gymnastics to understand this perfectly clear. for those around here for awhile will remember that i call gymnastics a noun: Gymnastics says...don't ever think about being perfect. you won't. there will always be something wrong somewhere. you will spend an inordinate amount of your career falling. lifers are the athletes that reap the most benefits including awards. and you will spend your gymnastics life NEVER being the best that you can be. "I" never end until you quit...then "I" revisit my expectations upon you when you coach. and so it goes...

 

[meganliz77]

THIS! I've noticed in several of your posts that you either compare your DD to her teammates or compare her to what your perception is of the "metro" gyms that may have better facilities, coaches, etc to your outstate gym. I know you are proud of her (and heck, she has accomplished so much in such a short amount of time and you all should be proud!!), but I've noticed that the comparisons often come at the expense of other gymmies. It needs to be a simple "I'm proud of you!" not "I'm proud of you and even on your bad day you still beat half the team!". See what I mean? I'm sure you don't intentionally mean to put the others down but it still has the same end result. Your DD needs to understand that having a bad meet doesn't mean that she is a bad gymnast. And if a teammate does better than her it is not because your DD had a bad day.

As I noted earlier-- my husband responded with that one sentence today out of frustration. The comparisons I may make to gauge my daughter's progress, is private in that they are NEVER shared with her. Never are there comparisons made publicly between her and others that she would be aware. My daughter has historically been one of the biggest 'cheerleaders' on her team and I am VERY proud of her for that. Now on an Internet forum, where I am simply trying to make sense of and understand gymnastics I may make those comparisons. I'm sorry if that's not right to wonder what it would be like for her in a big gym where there are possibly more opportunities (I have never mentioned coaches outright because I love our coaches) or to make those comparisons. But I'm human. And I think that as humans we look to around us to better define what "normal" and everything in-between, is. I realize this is also a very individual sport, and I celebrate my daughter's accomplishment of skills, whether she be the first to get them or the last. ... And I'm the mom cheering on the other girls for the same reasons. It probably doesn't help that many of my gym mom friends constantly compare their kiddos to mine - albeit publicly.

So I will continue to work on ALL of this... And I thank EVERYONE for the thoughtful feedback. Again I think we will all be better prepared for these situations in the future because I know they WILL happen. You all have given me much to consider, and I appreciate you all for that. I am thankful for this forum and all of you.

And not long following that conversation with her grandparents this morning, she was telling me what she was proud of accomplishing at her meet... I pray she remembers this experience next time around...

 

[NutterButter]

As I noted earlier-- my husband responded with that one sentence today out of frustration. The comparisons I may make to gauge my daughter's progress, is private in that they are NEVER shared with her.

I'm with you. I said that because not too long ago I was in your shoes with my DD who made lots of progress very quickly and it was very easy for me to make seemingly innocent comparisons of my newbie DD to teammates who had been on pre-team for 2 or 3 years. After awhile I realized that my initial thoughts were not only inaccurate but also could be interpreted by others as not supportive of her teammates. That's really the spirit of why I offered up what I did.

 

[meganliz77]

All private!! Honestly, the other parents do not always take kindly to the new girl zooming thru skills! In fact, there was no warm welcome from others... So I learned quickly to keep my public mouth shut and would come here with questions and silent atta-girls!

Thank you!

 

[cbifoja]

Honestly, it is good to get some practice at having some less successful meets when they are younger. I've seen girls that are used to not only medaling but being on the podium completely lose it when they don't get "enough" medals.

This is such a good point. We have a couple of new optionals who are experiencing this very phenomenon this season and I find their differing approach an excellent case study. They are both VERY used to being on the podium for all four events and AA....and particularly high on the podium...none of this 5th 6th place stuff.

OO is a very precise gymnast who wants to repeat every level because she's a perfectionist. She is a beautiful gymnast with textbook skills. But skills are getting harder and she is having to compete skills that aren't up to her personal standards. She isn't top of the podium in every event and AA and her teammates tell me that she has started lashing out at them and being a little mean.

YO is a firecracker who always did well in compulsory because she can shine and perform and is also a good gymnast. She is struggling some with her first season of optionals and it has been a bit humbling for her but she is keeping a good attitude. Still tries, still laughs in practice, and hasn't really changed her personality any...she just keeps working trying to overcome her issues.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

As I noted earlier-- my husband responded with that one sentence today out of frustration. The comparisons I may make to gauge my daughter's progress, is private in that they are NEVER shared with her. Never are there comparisons made publicly between her and others that she would be aware. My daughter has historically been one of the biggest 'cheerleaders' on her team and I am VERY proud of her for that. Now on an Internet forum, where I am simply trying to make sense of and understand gymnastics I may make those comparisons. I'm sorry if that's not right to wonder what it would be like for her in a big gym where there are possibly more opportunities (I have never mentioned coaches outright because I love our coaches) or to make those comparisons. But I'm human. And I think that as humans we look to around us to better define what "normal" and everything in-between, is. I realize this is also a very individual sport, and I celebrate my daughter's accomplishment of skills, whether she be the first to get them or the last. ... And I'm the mom cheering on the other girls for the same reasons. It probably doesn't help that many of my gym mom friends constantly compare their kiddos to mine - albeit publicly.

So I will continue to work on ALL of this... And I thank EVERYONE for the thoughtful feedback. Again I think we will all be better prepared for these situations in the future because I know they WILL happen. You all have given me much to consider, and I appreciate you all for that. I am thankful for this forum and all of you.

And not long following that conversation with her grandparents this morning, she was telling me what she was proud of accomplishing at her meet... I pray she remembers this experience next time around...

here is the beauty and reality of gymnastics. let's say 3 kids come up together at the same time. they can be from different gyms and coaches. if it's meant to be, you will observe each of them develop differently (gymnastics is human biology) at different levels and events. they'll "beat" (i never like to say beat or compete against if everyone notices) each other, switching back and forth, from meet to meet and from year to year.

by time they have peaked near senior year of high school, and if it was meant to be, all 3 will be pretty darn equal to one another. and each will have 1 weak event. they will interchange medals at each event during the season and then at Nationals if they make it there.

THIS is why you can't compare one gymnast to another.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

and for what it's worth, let's say 1,000 kids come up at the same time. maybe same or different gyms and coaches. (and even though not all gyms and coaches are created equal)

by time they reach senior year, only those original 3 that i spoke of in the above post will be left. if it's meant to be it is. unfortunately, no crystal ball to guide us.

yet another daunting reason why we should not compare one athlete to another.

 

[B.Gold]

I wish there were a way to file away all the posts that a person would like to "save" and reference at a later date. I'd save the last two posts and reference them often. Its JUST what I needed to hear.