Parents Parents perspective on a low point...

[BachFlyer]

This is mostly a vent but would love feedback if anyone has any, especially from coaches. My DD switched gyms before last season - it was an unexpected and hard change due to lots of circumstances. She has always done very well including last year as a L9 at the new gym, and this year is competing L10. But for the first time, she is obviously struggling, both on new skills and skills she’s been doing for years. I am totally ok with her hitting a plateau, and know it is to be expected, and I am really proud of her for all she has accomplished especially given the difficult transition. But I’m feeling worried because though she is still training hard and not complaining, she just seems to have lost her "spark" and confidence. It is somewhat intangible, and I thought for a while it was just the added pressure of L10, but it's been going on for a few months. I had a little talk with her the other day and she agreed something feels off. It seems part of the issue is that she doesn't really think her new coaches believe in her like her old coach did, and I think there is truth to that, and it is affecting her belief in herself. Coaches have mentioned once that she gets frustrated easily, and is too hard on herself, which is also true. But I'm afraid they see this as the entire reason why she's struggling, and that is where I think they are missing the mark. New coaches are super reserved with both the gymnasts and especially parents, and they don't ever express any excitement or pride. DD in general likes them ok, and we've talked a lot during the transition about the changes - both the positives (there are tons!) and the challenges. Intellectually she understands. But she is 12 and a very easy going, gentle soul - she is internally very disciplined and determined and doesn't need to win to be happy (admirable), but she doesn't give herself enough credit. I think until she gets a little older she might need help to believe in herself, and not from me because it's not the same from a parent since they know we are proud of them but stupid about gymnastics While I don't agree with constant and undeserved praise in gym or life, I do feel like occasional kind, motivating words and some assistance in feeling proud of herself would be very helpful to her right now. Unfortunately, this really doesn't seem to be their style here.

Maybe it is the sport, but it also seems like coaches know everything and don't think parents are a valuable resource when it comes to the hearts and minds of our own kids - and it is really troubling me. I surely don’t know gymnastics, but I feel like we as parents know our kids' souls, and that this is not a bad thing! Coaches never seem to be curious about our thoughts, even when it comes to these areas where we might have insight, and I think a lot of parents agree that it is intimidating to express your concerns for fear of being labeled a CGM. I never question anything, have hardly spoken to the staff since last June, but I feel extra reserved here where they don't know me very well.

Anyway, she has no desire to quit or anything drastic, but I guess I'm just a little sad that she has lost her pep, and just want her to get back to feeling confident and self-assured I have no clue how or IF I should even talk to them about what I think is "really" going on, or just support my DD as best I can at home and cross my fingers it gets better and not worse?

 

[Deleted member D3987]

gymnastics is hard...

 

[Amusibus]

Gosh, my daughter is little and just starting out so no practical advice here, but I just wanted to say that we have also experienced this issue of coaches not believing in her. For me, when I finally realized that this was the case, that was the deal-breaker and we left that gym. She is an adhd kid and can at times be hard to deal with in practice (tho this has vastly improved lately). These same coaches were just the same as you describe: aloof, unavailable, intimidating, and uncaring of parents' input. Soooo glad we switched as now the coach accepts her as she is and believes in her, plus she comes out to say hi/make announcements to the parents at the end of every practice. It really is a huge deal - how can your child believe in herself if the coach doesn't? If it was me I'd ask for a meeting. Maybe a good talking through of things will straighten everything out... or maybe you will see for yourself what the coach is really like, and then decide what to do. Good luck!

 

[gymmomtoo]

She's been at the new gym a very short time--she hasn't had a chance to get to know and trust the coaches, nor have they gotten a chance to really know her. Since the gym change wasn't by her choice, she's probably still at least a little upset about the change too. Plus she's 12--an age that no matter her level, is hard!

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

12 years old was the worst year of my life....not when I was 12, but when my older dd was 12! It could be that much of her current "lack of spark" is just related to all the things that come with being 12. Plus, L10 is hard, and scary! Most 12 year olds don't have to deal with that kind of pressure daily, in addition to hormones. It's also a time when kid's have enough self-awareness to start asking hard questions about themselves, but not enough wisdom to come up with the right answers all the time. They also infer how adults "feel" about them based on whatever filters they have developed up to that point. (and they are frequently wrong) I agree with other posters to keep giving her hugs and encouragement. Odd are, the issue will either work itself out, or become more apparent as time goes on. Hugs to you both!!!!

 

[gracyomalley]

I agree - its a hard age. and change is tough. I'm sitting here hoping my DD 11 will just give herself enough credit to hang in there...and she's got the coach and team who believe in her just not sure she believes in herself anymore - which I painfully remember being the norm at that age...I can only imagine the same feelings 2 fold if DD were L10 rather than L7....

Hang in there!

 

[momof5]

I don't know what else to say other then to hang in there. My 12 year old DD is going through something similar. I am trying to just be there for her when she wants to talk or vent. I am also trying to be there as an encourager and give her some of that positive reinforcement that she is not getting right now. I also recommend lots of hugs and "I love you's"

 

[B&M's mom]

My DD is now 13 and a second year L10. Last year, she was a lot like your DD. She seemed just a bit off and nothing was working. She was frustrated and I had no adequate words of advice. This year, its been a very different year. I asked her why and she said that first year L10 was scary but now that she's a second year, she knows what to do. So, just keep plowing through the year. It will soon be over and hopefully your daughter will find her place.

 

[BachFlyer]

Thank you soo much everyone! I appreciate having a venue to put my thoughts together and get some perspective. It really is a hard sport and I guess both my daughter and I forget that point sometimes, since we're both just so used to the challenges we forget it's an extraordinarily difficult sport. And you guys are right that 12/13 is tough already - I didn't even really consider that part of the equation...JoyAvenue I just love how you put this thought: "It's also a time when kid's have enough self-awareness to start asking hard questions about themselves, but not enough wisdom to come up with the right answers all the time". I always worry so much about walking the line on what (not) to say, and how (not) to say it, and just need to trust my gut a little bit more and just help her find the answers when I think she might need a hand. B&M I really appreciate your words too, they give me hope. GraceyO I hope things turn around for your DD, thanks for the support. Gosh it's so rough when you try to tell them things that you know as a parent but that they can only learn for themselves. I do really think these kids have to Feel that the coach is behind them 100%, so I think I'm going to try harder to look for shreds of evidence of this, and pass them on to my DD when I notice them.

She seems a tiny bit better this week since our conversation - I had told her that she needs to celebrate getting this far and enjoy it, and know that everything that started out "impossible" along the way eventually has become easy (that dang L5 handstand on beam comes to mind!), that even though her coaches might not be as expressive they must be in her corner or she wouldn't have gotten to 10, and that everyone else including me and her old coach believe in her more now than ever. And also that we together need to help her figure out how to be her own best cheerleader! She came home sharing some good things at practice the last few days, so I am going to hold off on talking to the coach for now and see if she continues to relax and stay hopeful that the season will finish up on a higher note for her.

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

I had told her that she needs to celebrate getting this far and enjoy it, and know that everything that started out "impossible" along the way eventually has become easy (that dang L5 handstand on beam comes to mind!),

LOL! Kipper is finishing up her L4 season and STILL only hits vertical about half the time!!! I can't tell you how encouraging it is to hear a young L10 athlete struggled with this skill at some point! Made me think to remind you to mention to your dd how she is a role model for other young gymnasts. Even if her career ended today, she has already accomplished so much more than many could even dream of doing.

You're doing a great job supporting her. Just wait until you start meeting her boyfriends parents and wondering if you could "share grandchildren with them one day!" Scary thought, huh?

 

[BachFlyer]

Okay, yep, you just gave me a WHOLE new look at the hidden joy of our problems, LOL!!! My evil plan is that gymnastics will continue to take up too much time and we can save that horrifying conversation until college...

Thank you

Edited to say: DD managed to stay on the beam TWICE her entire L5 season on that handstand! First time I ended up videotaping the ceiling because I forgot to look through the camera I was so relieved, and then she proceeded to fall on the cartwheel because she was so relieved. Beam is her best event now!

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

My evil plan is that gymnastics will continue to take up too much time and we can save that horrifying conversation until college...

Edited to say: DD managed to stay on the beam TWICE her entire L5 season on that handstand! First time I ended up videotaping the ceiling because I forgot to look through the camera I was so relieved, and then she proceeded to fall on the cartwheel because she was so relieved. Beam is her best event now!

LOL!!! That is my evil plan for younger dd too!

I have so many videos of the ceiling when I get so excited about...let's see...making her kip, landing the cartwheel, and getting over the vault for the first time!

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

Okay, yep, you just gave me a WHOLE new look at the hidden joy of our problems, LOL!!!

So, not to go too far off topic, but the story is too funny not to share: When older dd was a senior in HS, she dated a wonderful young man. Outgoing, smart, kind, full ride scholarship through grad school... we liked him and could tell she was CRAZY about him. Then, I met the parents. They were hoarders. We're talking goats eating a couch in the front yard, no kitchen drawer or cabinet door would close, no carpet showing through the clutter on the floor, pushing your way through piles of clothes to enter through laundry room bc front door was blocked by the afore mentioned goats. My IMMEDIATE thought was...OMG! I could NEVER share grandchildren with these people!!!! Why didn't I make her stay in gymnastics?!!?!!!

 

[SignHere]

Apache, remember to celebrate your daughter and help her to remember who gymnastics has helped her to BECOME in her life. Our girls don't do this sport for the possible college scholarship, or the Olympic dream, or whatever. They do it because they love it, and the added benefit is that they learn things about themselves while doing it. They become better, stronger people for it.

 

[BachFlyer]

Hickory, I like your perspective and you're 100% right. I know gym is only one facet of her whole person, she's an amazing human being!

 

[iwannacoach]

She has always done very well including last year as a L9 at the new gym, and this year is competing L10.

I've been to some big meets, and know how hard kids must work to develop all their talent. Maybe you suspect it, and maybe she wonders about it, but I can tell you with some certainty that a twelve year old whose done well at L9 and has moved up L10 is a total freak of nature...... in a very good way.

She's got to let herself enjoy at least that much.

Maybe it is the sport, but it also seems like coaches know everything and don't think parents are a valuable resource when it comes to the hearts and minds of our own kids

Yeah?.... Well some coaches are just idiots. There is nothing you can teach a kid whose heart isn't into it. They either quit and remain physically at the gym, or they quit and stay home.... and it's not because of something they are, or are not doing. The cause of the problem is ego maniac coaches who think every child should bow down before them and offer up their hard work as praise to God's gift to gymnastics....... or maybe coaches who innocently don't "get it."

No matter which is the case, kids need to have thing make emotional sense to them. I'll give you a few truthful examples that will be vague enough to protect the innocent........

The first example is a kid who's qualified for the USA championships. She walks into the gym the very first day I was to begin working with her group on a specific event for the next few (ish) years..... and tells the head coach, her only coach up to that day, that she's through and done, as in going, going, gone. So the head coach, more or less, says something like "well if that's what you want......"

 

[iwannacoach]

There's more to the story that was lost to an internal error/mis configuration, and I got no more time to finish it a second time, I'll get back to it later.

 

[Clover]

When my DD was going through a low point recently we did something to focus on the positive. She was struggling with 1 event that was bringing her down but to that point (and since) said that really loved the sport. After every practice she would tell me what she enjoyed most about practice. It could be skill-related, working hard on conditioning, chatting with friends, helping someone get ice for an injury, etc. It really helped her focus on all the things she loved about gymnastics rather than just dwelling on the one thing she was struggling with. Perhaps something like that could work for you. Best of luck!

 

[iwannacoach]

.......tells the head coach, her only coach up to that day, that she's through and done, as in going, going, gone. So the head coach, more or less, says something like "well if that's what you want......"

I ended up getting involved when he asked me if I wanted to talk to her. I think he said "Go ahead and talk to her if you want to." That all sounds pretty normal except for one thing...... that day was my first day ever at that gym and I knew absolutely nothing about this girls..... nothing. I went to talk to her because I felt there had to be more to the final day of an elite gymnast than "if that's what you want."

I knew this coach as well as anybody else beyond his immediate family, and that didn't count for much because I don't think anyone knew him all that well. I was hoping to give her some insight into what inspired him to be so cut and dried about one of the most difficult days in this child's life. So with that much said, I went out, found her and asked if she felt like talking......

She ended up telling that her working relationship with her coach had grown too professional and she felt he didn't care about her at all. It was like the further she progressed the harsher, or drier, he'd become. She said he used to joke and tease her and tell her she'd done really well for the day, but now his most complimentary efforts were more like "you coulda don that three months ago" and it was breaking her heart to feel he was so indifferent toward her.

That's a lot for a kid to say, and it said more tha the words that came out of her mouth. I was able to get both of them together for a long overdue talk, she continued on at the gym, and as a result I can claim the honor of having coached a.....

Well, lets just say that two months later this kid went to the usa championships and backed up her good showings at the "classics" by having the meet of her life.

That's what I'm referring to when I say some coaches are idiots, or innocently missing the importance of what goes on in a child's heart. Really, how can you expect a child to do well when there's no heart and soul left due to your own indifference. Coaches that expect a child to put their heart into "it" while the passively toss out corrections with none of their heart engaged..... it just doesn't make sense.

 

[GymmieC]

.......tells the head coach, her only coach up to that day, that she's through and done, as in going, going, gone. So the head coach, more or less, says something like "well if that's what you want......"

I ended up getting involved when he asked me if I wanted to talk to her. I think he said "Go ahead and talk to her if you want to." That all sounds pretty normal except for one thing...... that day was my first day ever at that gym and I knew absolutely nothing about this girls..... nothing. I went to talk to her because I felt there had to be more to the final day of an elite gymnast than "if that's what you want."

I knew this coach as well as anybody else beyond his immediate family, and that didn't count for much because I don't think anyone knew him all that well. I was hoping to give her some insight into what inspired him to be so cut and dried about one of the most difficult days in this child's life. So with that much said, I went out, found her and asked if she felt like talking......

She ended up telling that her working relationship with her coach had grown too professional and she felt he didn't care about her at all. It was like the further she progressed the harsher, or drier, he'd become. She said he used to joke and tease her and tell her she'd done really well for the day, but now his most complimentary efforts were more like "you coulda don that three months ago" and it was breaking her heart to feel he was so indifferent toward her.

That's a lot for a kid to say, and it said more tha the words that came out of her mouth. I was able to get both of them together for a long overdue talk, she continued on at the gym, and as a result I can claim the honor of having coached a.....

Well, lets just say that two months later this kid went to the usa championships and backed up her good showings at the "classics" by having the meet of her life.

That's what I'm referring to when I say some coaches are idiots, or innocently missing the importance of what goes on in a child's heart. Really, how can you expect a child to do well when there's no heart and soul left due to your own indifference. Coaches that expect a child to put their heart into "it" while the passively toss out corrections with none of their heart engaged..... it just doesn't make sense.

Wow! Where have you been all my DDs life? All adults should learn something here . The only way to truly engage a child is by touching her heart in some way. When they know we care, they progress. Why is that so hard to grasp? Thank you iwannacoach. I am glad you followed your passion to coach. Your gymnasts are very lucky to have you!

DD is a young level 8. I too see her doubting herself. I am on heightened awareness however of this factor.