WAG rewarding the team with allergenic food

[txgymfan]

The above situation was HORRIBLE. You have every right to be upset with the gym and the mom.

Your words matter too and the quote I posted offended me hurt me on behalf of your child's coaches and swim team. The words "lazy" and "clique" are far from accurate and taint the rest of your post with a negative light. Again if you really think that negatively about their swim team why do you allow your child to be with such lazy cliquish people?

 

[emorymom]

I will be having a talk with them in the off season.

If there is not a recognition that perhaps continuing the culture of wheat-for-every-treat-without-team-getting-substitutes is not appropriate, perhaps there is no reason for him to go back. Go where you are celebrated, not tolerated.

 

[Muddlethru]

Continued

The summer league rewards the end of the season with pizza and cake and gives out awards. This is purchased by the team. ...........

However I decided it was best to resolve that fully in the off season, and was not compensated for the approximately $50 of gluten free donuts I bought during the season for the team members so they could participate in the team tradition of Wednesday morning donuts.........

I heard back -- where do I buy that. I mentioned two restaurants and one of them was where they were already buying the rest of the pizza. That is, the neighborhood pizzaria.

So we drive up to the party and my kids are starving; one just got out of a 2.5 hour gym practice and the other just rolled out of a 1.5 hour swim practice.

The gluten free pizza consists of one, small, six-slice cheese pizza.

So it went: Pizza. Awards. Cake. h.

i believe you've raised awareness on this issue. Which to effectuate change is necessary. Although most of us feel you are imposing your own responsibilities onto others, this thread is at a minimum making us all cognizant of the issue.

Nonetheless, and with all due respect, in the order of the highlighted text above:

1) I may be wrong but it seems the purpose of the party was to give out awards, not feed the team. Food was served to enhance the experience, not be the focus and the 'reward' for the year's hard work are the awards. Am I wrong? I think you inappropriately focused on the food as the reward. It is sad to think that some parents and their kids feel food is a reward for hard work.

2) When I donate or bring goods or my services, I never expect to be compensated. Your feeling slighted because of this, seems misplaced to me.

3) when the organizers said "where do I buy that", that should have been a clue for you to maybe have a back up plan because the organizers clearly have no experience in the dietary restrictions of your kids.

4) Ok, you brought 2 starving kids. First, I would have brought a snack based on #3above. Nonethtess, you were provided one small pizza. Are both kids members of the swim team, or just one? Did they provide also for one of your children that is not a team member?

I am certain the team organizers are volunteers. They don't get paid and work out of the kindess of their hearts. If you are not happy with the "negligent" and inconsiderate way the team parties are being run, volunteer your time. That is the best way to ensure change.

"And so it went, pizza, AWARDS, cake."

 

[happychaos]

I feel so, so bad for kids with food allergies, I really do. However, I think food allergies are a medical issue and need to be treated as such. Just like other medical conditions, one cannot expect or trust other people to be knowledgeable about the specifics of the condition. Additionally, there is such a broad spectrum of allergies that accommodating everyone at a large event (100 kids!) would be next to impossible. For example, my DD has a classmate that eats gluten free. It is not medically necessary, just a family preference. On the other side of the spectrum there is a little boy in my 2-year-old DD's class at church that is so severely allergic to gluten that he cannot even remain in the vicinity if anything with gluten is around. In his case, ordering a GF pizza still would not allow him to participate in the activity. Should a very large gathering be made GF to accommodate one kid? A birthday party or something...sure, but not something so large. I can't eat pizza because I have GERD and the sauce gives me terrible heartburn. Does this warrant a sauce free pizza? When pregnant I was placed on a low-sodium diet, and pizza is very high in sodium. Or what about the person who has high-cholesterol and can't eat cheese, or the diabetic who can only have one piece, or ....(fill in the blank). My dad has Chrohns, and is very restricted on what he can eat. He always eats before he goes to any type of gathering. There are just SO many allergies and conditions that dictate what people eat. Pizza is easy, cheap, and filling, and the majority of kids can, and WILL eat it.

 

[GymBee97]

how about talking to the gym and offering to be the one to purchase all the "special food items" for the team with a budget from the team account that you would be reimbursed from? That way you get what you want, you help the other kids who have issues with food items and you are safe. I remember a year where the booster club tried to accommodate all the kids with various food allergies and it was a disaster - just too many various allergies and too many ingredients in the food to watch out for. It was a full time job that a nutritionist would have a hard time with. In the end it was decided that to be absolutely safe any gymnast/parent/ etc. with any food issues needed to provide their own foods for their special diet as the volunteers just weren't able to do it all. We would inform the parents as to what the tentative menu was going to be so they could try to match the meal being offered. Of course we had no control over the donated food items for these events. We would have parent upset even when we tried to accommodate the allergy but got it wrong that in the end it was decided that to make it absolutely safe that the parents of any child with food allergies had to make sure they brought the food their kids could eat its the only way to be sure every ingredient was correct.

 

[MsM]

I'm so sorry this happened to your son. As a mommy to a child with celiac I can relate. My 9 year old was diagnosed this year and we have experienced our share of insensitive adults including her teacher, Girl Scout leader and parents of friends. There are also others who have gone above and beyond to be sure she is included and not feeling left out.

These comments have me in tears and I'm sure if my daughter read them she would not understand how adults could be so mean.

Six months ago she was diagnosed with celiac disease. Our entire family is now gluten free for her health and support. We have taken a very positive approach and never display frustration to those who have been insensitive. I will provide her a substitution for any food reward or celebration and prefer to so I know that it's safe. Unfortunately I am not always aware when food will be offered.

My DD has been so brave and responsible through this transition and we are super proud of her. However, I have seen her heartbreak and tears in her eyes because she is different and feeling left out. You see, she is not a picky eater. She loves food! It is not her choice. She can never ever eat the food again. Every birthday party, every celebration, every holiday, every BBQ, every food reward, she is reminded that she is different. And that's okay. She will be strong and compassionate. But today she's 9! Today she's still grieves over that favorite cookie that she will never have again. And when everyone else gets to eat that favorite cookie she gets a little sad and that breaks my mommy heart.

Thank you for bringing this to everyone's attention. I hope the awareness will help the coaches and parents make these kiddos feel a little more included when providing food.

 

[stargazer]

As someone who has celiac, I completely understand how your children can feel left out and excluded. That said, I think we need to differentiate between people who just don't 'get it', and people who don't care enough to find food your children can eat. You will encounter both, and you have to remember it's your job (either as the parent of a child with allergies, or someone with allergies yourself, like me) to inform people about what you need, and how they can go about doing that (whether it's actually providing food, or choosing a place to eat). Using someone else's example of epilepsy: If you were planning your child's birthday party and a parent said to you 'my child has epilepsy, she can't tolerate flashing/bright lights', and left it at that, would you feel comfortable planning activities without further information? What if your child really wanted to do laser tag and the arena had a strobe light? A lazy person would say, "well that's too bad, Suzie won't be able to attend the party, sorry". A person who just doesn't 'get it' might assume laser tag is out, but a gymnastics party should be fine, having no idea that exercise is something that triggers this girls' seizures. There are some things that people need to have spelled out for them, and that's okay!

I was diagnosed with celiac when I was 12 (it's been 8 years now), and yes I definitely did feel left out at times and it sucked. Overnight school trips were stressful because I was self-conscious about being different and didn't want to have to take 5 mins of a waiter's time to ask every detail about the food. I still feel like that when my friends and I go out to eat. However, I would not expect my whole class to eat salads because I couldn't eat the pasta or pizza in the restaurant. When my colleagues and I go out to eat to celebrate someone's birthday (and they get to pick where we eat) I am pleasantly surprised if we go somewhere I can eat, but wouldn't expect them to change their plans because of me. Some people ask, some people don’t. At the pool, when the head guard brings in timbits at the end of the session, I am sometimes asked what they can bring in so I can have a treat too. Which is lovely and thoughtful, but I wouldn't interpret someone as being intentionally malicious if it didn't occur to them that I can't eat donuts and didn't bring me something instead. I don’t make a big deal out of it, so why should it be something that everyone knows about and is thinking about constantly?

When someone takes the time to make me something that is gluten-free, it’s both fantastic because I know they were thinking about me and wanted to bring something I could eat, and stressful because I then have to inquire about the ingredients, how it was made, and then usually politely and awkwardly decline when I see my gluten-free brownie sitting atop a pile of gluten-y brownies. Sometimes even my good friends will be eating a croissant, or cookie, or something, and offer me a bite. They don’t have to deal with celiac every day, so it doesn’t cross their mind that I can’t eat what they’re offering me. They always apologize profusely after when I politely say, ‘sorry I can’t, there’s wheat in it’, because they are caring people who just don’t ‘get it’. I’ve also had a very immature 12 year old boy wave pizza or donuts under my nose every lunchtime and tease me that I couldn’t eat it. That is a person who doesn’t care, and you can’t do much about them except refuse to let them get to you.

I guess I’m just trying to say that it’s complicated. If it is possible to include everyone, and 80% of the time it is, take the proper steps to ensure you/your child can eat the food provided (even if it means substituting your own, or speaking to whoever is in charge of the meal and make sure they know exactly what you need and how they can help). If for whatever reason there is nothing available for your child, explain to them they are not intentionally being excluded and that on the way home they can choose where to stop for a treat, or you’ll take them rock-climbing tomorrow to make up for it, or whatever. If you take it as a personal offence every single time you are not included, your children will pick up on it. They will either become embarrassed about needing something different and afraid to speak up, or expect to be given special treatment by others who do not know how to do this.

I appreciate where you’re coming from, and it really sucks to have to deal with food allergies (either yours, your child’s or someone else’s), but I think you’ll end up feeling quite unhappy if you expect others to know exactly what you need without telling them. Thanks for the post though, I think it’s really made others aware about using food as a reward as well as the issues kids with food allergies face.

Sorry for the novel haha.

 

[skschlag]

stargazer-
very well said!

Here is my 2 cents on this. Everyone needs to be more patient and tolerant of everyone. We are all working hard, volunteering, and doing our best. If we assume this in people, and assume their good intentions, life is much more pleasant. People need to be more understanding and as accomodating as possible for those with food allergies, and we need to assume that the people are doing the best they can with accomodating. rather than assign intentions (they deliberately brought something I can't eat) assume the best (it was nice of them to think of everyone, even though I can't eat it).

I know on our team, in our school, we all try. But I have brought stuff that I thought was gluten free to parties, to be told that it wasn't and they couldn't eat it. That person could have been upset and offended, but they weren't. And I have been the "bad" mom who showed up with cookies for my son's birthday without realizing that child x couldn't have them even though I did know they were gf. Of course, the next year I showed up with ice cream and child y was lactose intolerant.

So, if we can go with assuming the best in others, rather than the worst, I think alot of issues can resolve themselves. Maybe we tell the swim team..tahnks so much for trying. the gf pizzas are so much smaller, but I appreciate the effort. Then next year they will know and will be able to plan better.

 

[gymdog]

Yeah, actually I wouldn't be surprised if some people didn't know there is gluten in cake. It seems really obvious to people who deal with food restrictions and bring labels, but I am thinking of one event at the gym where we had a child with celiac (parents weren't there) and someone was about to serve him pizza. I said he can't have pizza. They said, that's okay, I'll just give him some Goldfish (which are crackers). I was horrified.

Also, I am NOT gluten free, but people get confused and confuse my restrictions with "gluten free", I guess because they hear it a lot. They will do this while I am eating something like bread, normal bread that everyone is eating. This indicates to me that many people have no idea what it means, it's just a "code word" they've associated with "food restriction."

 

[clark222]

My first problem with this whole situation would be the food=reward part. Before theorizing on whose job it is to know of and accommodate every kid's food intolerance/allergy, we should really be questioning why food, especially unhealthy food, is part of a reward system for kids.

My family is vegetarian and dd has been veggie since birth. So, she is used to missing out on the pizzas, burgers, and s'mores. I could run around bringing alternatives or try to educate everyone we come into contact with, but I have chosen not to. Instead, I talk to dd about my opinions on food rewards in general, unhealthy foods, and being prepared to say "no thank you" without bitterness. Candy is often brought out as a reward at the end of gym practice at my dd's gym. There is no medical reason dd cannot have it. But we do avoid highly processed foods in general so we have asked dd to refrain from taking the offered reward. It personally ticks me off that candy is ANY part of what is supposed to be a "healthy" athletic environment, but as many have stated, not everyone agrees, understands, or is educated so it is highly unlikely I am going to change this culture anytime soon. My only path is to share my views with dd, teach her to be OK with missing out on these things, and move on. I am sure there are times she has felt deprived or that she missed out. But after years of it, she knows the drill and has developed enough maturity to handle it.

To the OP: This is going to happen over and over. You and your kids have every right to be irritated. But also know it will not change any time soon. If volunteering to be in charge of the special foods or bringing your own are not paths you are willing to take, it is time to start teaching your kids to disassociate food with reward. It may not be "right" but far less painful than getting riled up every time you encounter this situation. It will quickly become exhausting to put huge amounts of energy and anger into something that is very unlikely to change.

 

[Faith]

Pizza is usually my go to food when dd's vegetarian friends come round. Generally mozarrella doesn't have animal rennet in it, but I do double check (never found one that does). Is there something I don't know then?

Actually, I don't see it as that unhealthy as part of a balanced diet, bread dough, tomato purée, and cheese. Same with chips, potato and vegetable oil - I'm talking proper English hot chips here, not crisps or fries

i have no idea what a s'more is, and why it may or may not be veggie )

I think the last few posters have made the point here well. If it was a genuine lack of knowledge, which we'd all like to think it was, then the o/p is maybe over sensitive. If it a bad attitude, then the o/p is very justified and we'll all come round and help adjust their way of thinking

 

[Amusibus]

Emorymom, I love you. we have the same issues all the time. My whole family is vegetarian, all 3 kids since birth, which is a choice, but my gymnast daughter also has abdominal migraines triggered among other things by gluten and dairy. Her team camp week just announced that they are celebrating the kids'hard work on Friday by having an ice cream party. Sigh. This after she had an attack at practice recently!! So this coach KNOWS what happens to her and the severity- when I arrived to pick her up that day I found my daughter lying in her coaches arms like a baby sobbing. She had been this way over an hour. She didn't vomit that time, so the coach got lucky...but you'd think after seeing it firsthand they'd know.

 

[bogwoppit]

Emorymom, I love you. we have the same issues all the time. My whole family is vegetarian, all 3 kids since birth, which is a choice, but my gymnast daughter also has abdominal migraines triggered among other things by gluten and dairy. Her team camp week just announced that they are celebrating the kids'hard work on Friday by having an ice cream party. Sigh. This after she had an attack at practice recently!! So this coach KNOWS what happens to her and the severity- when I arrived to pick her up that day I found my daughter lying in her coaches arms like a baby sobbing. She had been this way over an hour. She didn't vomit that time, so the coach got lucky...but you'd think after seeing it firsthand they'd know.

But there are good alternatives that you can send for her?? I have been through food issues for years, I do not trust anyone to get it right so I send enough of what my dd can eat to share with the team. The kids always wanted what she had. I worked hard not to turn my kids food issues into everyone else's problem and I worked even harder to make sure my dd had the treats that the others did. I saw this as my problem and nobody else's. You know ahead about these events, you can shop and plan and let your child know that you will be making sure she has all the special treats the others will have. Problem solved. I do not get all this drama about other parents/coaches needing to work out every kids special needs be they medical, familial or just pickiness.

 

[emorymom]

I don't understand the comments that mean "well you don't expect the whole event to be gluten free." No I don't, but if the TEAM (which small children understand to be part of their coach-gymnast relationship) is BUYING treat food for the TEAM MEMBERS as a REWARD, then they should get something JUST AS GOOD for the kids who MEDICALLY CAN'T EAT IT or they need to treat with NON FOOD. And please. If you buy a little too much GF pizza, or a GF dairy free cake that serves 12 and only serve 8 slices to medically affected team members, you don't throw the rest away. Because what you guys seem to keep forgetting is that non-allergic people can eat that stuff too. It's just not the other way around. So you don't need to be stingy with them, they'll feel that too.

In this instance (which please recall was specifically a Summer Swim League team but I was hoping to raise awareness in gyms), I know as adults you want to believe this was mainly about the few awards and the participation trophies, but for the kids under 10, it's about the pizza and cake. I think some of you are really reaching here when you act like, for an 8 year old, it's not about the food. Well it's certainly not about hanging out with their friends at the pool since they are, in this case, ALL members or they wouldn't be able to join the team, and they hang out all summer long. It's about the free, junkie food.

And a lot of gymnastics team functions are like that. I've heard more than once at more than one gym that such and such level group will get treated on such and such a day by the coach with pizza if they have such and such accomplishment. And that's great, but don't expect it to mean ANYTHING if you have the allergic kid bring their own. They're not stupid. They know that the coach didn't treat them to pizza. Mommy did while the coach treated everyone else. And it doesn't mean the same to them.

Coaches, booster clubs and gyms: No, you should not take it upon yourselves to decide what is safe for a child with a medical food avoidance. You SHOULD contact the parent and say: Can we get anything to include your child? If we buy one sorbet for the ice cream party, will that work? Or do you need to pick it out and we reimburse you? Is there a pizza restaurant where we can order a safe pizza for your child and all the other pizzas? Would you like to pick something out and we'll write you a check? And hopefully you have a long enough relationship with your team member that you can actually get a little groove going where it's not such a burden.

Individual birthday parties (not coach sponsored) and potlucks, etc. are not the same damage to the coach-gym-child relationship. They're really no big deal. This idea that "well the kid needs to know people won't cater to him," is silly to me because my kids deal with that ALL DAY EVERY DAY. But the relationship with a sports team where you are a team player, playing bloody, playing sick, playing with all you've got is a little different than being a birthday party invitee. Do you not think your team gymnast who you've been training for 4 years deserves to feel a little more like they're with people who really VALUE them, than a casual social contact? Do they not deserve a phone call?

I specifically wrote about this swim-team example and not about gyms. Well, I did write about one egregiously rude to the point of cruelness gym mom but that is neither here nor there.

I do not have this problem with either of my kids' current gyms. The minute I mentioned (without making a request other than that the coach do what she could to keep an eye on her) that my daughter glutened herself silly out of her goodie bag at the first meet of the season because she was hungry and lost control of herself, the coach immediate switched to all gluten free junk in her snack bag. That was her first meet season after diagnosis. And when I asked my son's booster club president, right after he joined which was right before the end of year party, if there was a microwave where I could heat up a gluten free pizza for him, she insisted that I buy, at booster club expense, enough GF pizza from Mellow Mushroom to feed my son, myself, the other celiac on the team and two newly diagnosed moms. That was really important to my son. Really important.

Please don't compare a GF or dairy free or nut allergic child to a child who is picky and you can't cater to. A medically food allergic child often passionately wants the food that his teammates have just been gifted. My kids still sigh wistfully about Papa John's. They say, remember when we could eat that?

When they come to your gym event, they have already dealt with this issue once that day or 20x that day.

Be a place that values them enough not to make it twice or 21st.

 

[GymSurvivor]

I have 3 little siblings who all have severe intolerances, due to drugs being in their mother when pregnant (they are adopted). The foods the can and cannot eat are very specific and a little odd to others. We don't expect others, even aunts uncles etc..., to cater to their needs. We do ask that people don't specifically hand them food or set out a candy bowl since one sibling craves processed sugar. But yes we do try our best to make them feel included. If a place is having pizza, the only kind of pizza they can have is a special crust, with sweet potato sauce and queso Mexican cheese. You can't buy this anywhere and we wouldn't expect others to make it especially at such a large gathering!! So we bring it and a dessert they can have. Yes it's hard on them but its a way of life.
Some say stick with fruit but one of my sisters has intolerances to most fruits!!
Basically in my mind you can't expect someone to do everything!!

 

[wallflower]

It seems after reading your posts that one of your big issues is being compensated financially and having equal amounts of money spent on GF items. This would not be important to me and my child wouldn't care if I bought it or her coach bought it, but clearly its important to you. So perhaps next time something like a cake is being purchased for an event you should ask them to divide out the cost of the cake for the 100 team members and give you that cost in cash for your 2 team members. They bought you a pizza which probably cost more than 3 regular pizzas so I'm sure they were given the equal monetary value in pizza. And then be sure to let your kids know that the team spent $0.50 per child on cake and they made sure to give you your $1. Easy solution and problem solved!

 

[emorymom]

It seems after reading your posts that one of your big issues is being compensated financially and having equal amounts of money spent on GF items. This would not be important to me and my child wouldn't care if I bought it or her coach bought it, but clearly its important to you. So perhaps next time something like a cake is being purchased for an event you should ask them to divide out the cost of the cake for the 100 team members and give you that cost in cash for your 2 team members. They bought you a pizza which probably cost more than 3 regular pizzas so I'm sure they were given the equal monetary value in pizza. And then be sure to let your kids know that the team spent $0.50 per child on cake and they made sure to give you your $1. Easy solution and problem solved!

No but thanks for trying. THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME PERSONALLY THIS IS ABOUT MY KIDS AND ALL THE KIDS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY FEELING LIKE SECOND CLASS TEAM MEMBERS BECAUSE THEIR TEAMS IGNORE THEIR NEEDS. My issue is how it affects my children when the other kids are given stuff by their coaches and they are not. In the case of the donuts for swim team, which I purchased directly, I did in fact offer to make a donation this year to cover the cost of the gluten free donuts so that the situation could be discrete in that the kids felt that their coaches were rewarding them too. Unfortunately that was not worked out and I just bought the donuts directly for all the gluten free kids for 4 out of the 5 weeks that we were there. Which did not escape my children. But we are all busy I decided to push for resolution in the off season.

 

[Learning Parent GB]

1. And that's great, but don't expect it to mean ANYTHING if you have the allergic kid bring their own. They're not stupid. They know that the coach didn't treat them to pizza. Mommy did while the coach treated everyone else. And it doesn't mean the same to them.

2. Or do you need to pick it out and we reimburse you? Would you like to pick something out and we'll write you a check?

I think you make a good point in that if you develop a long term relationship with a coach and a small team then they will get to know your child's problems and think of it in advance. But then I think you lose a lot of people's sympathy with the focus on cash. I see it as extra specially nice when someone brings something specifically for DD, rather than as an insult when they don't. My problem is that I can't reconcile the two statements above taken from your own post. If you are picking something out and they are reimbursing you, then surely to your child that is exactly the same as Mommy providing something. Unless they are monitoring exactly whose bank account the cash is coming out of. And much as you shouldn't have to, if your child really cares who has paid for what, then can you provide something on the quiet to the coach and then they produce it as if they had thought of it. Then your DD would be happy and if it happened a few times then I'm sure the coach would start to remember and maybe think in advance themselves.

 

[emorymom]

I'm still a little incredulous about that last post. So is it your suggestion is that if a coach decides to buy pizza if all the kids learn their kip, that I should have my son write a note asking for his in 3, crisp $1 bills?

 

[emorymom]

I'm sorry it's hard for you to reconcile this but it meant something to my son. It meant something important to him that the booster club was buying it and I was simply the volunteer mom picking it up.