Parents Too much pressure

[cathiann]

Beth is putting way too much pressure on herself. How can I help her?? She's 11 yrs old--competed level 7 last year and did great. This year her coaches want her to do the intrasquad as a level 8 and get a move up score to level 9 (they're sanctioning the meet, so they can do that--another teammate is doing the same thing). Then compete the rest of the season as a level 9.

Beth was in tears last night worried that she wouldn't get the score she needs. I tried to talk to her about that she would just compete as a level 8 for the next meet, but she said she'd be even MORE worried about getting the score. Reminded her of last year where she didn't do well at the intrasquad (nerves--first meet as an optional)--but did awesome at her first meet (took 1st or 2nd on vault even). Reminded her that she HAS all her level 8 skills--the moves she's worried about are level 9 skills. Reminded her it's still 6 weeks until the intrasquad. Finally said if she was this stressed by it, maybe she should just plan to stay a level 8 this year. NO! Was her answer--she wants to be a 9--doesn't want to do level 8.

Tried talking about Allison Arnold--and visualizing rather than thinking negatively.
Help! What can I do?? She's always been a perfectionist. She'll be in tears at a practice because she's mad at herself for not doing something the way she thinks she should do it. I obviously can't change her basic personality--how can I help her and not let her mind drag her down??

 

[Emma's mom]

Geesh, that is a hard one. Seems to me like you are doing everything right. I guess I would just continue to support her like you are. Do you think her coaches could get through to her a bit better? Maybe they could sit down with her and let her know that she is doing her best and that is all that anyone expects out of her. Sometimes for us, just NOT talking about it helps more. That is just how my dd works. However, she is only 8 so there is a big congnitive difference. Good luck to her at her intrasquad! Maybe she just needs to get this meet over and get all the jitters out. Good luck to mom too!

 

[MdGymMom01]

Wow--that is a tough one! But it does sound like you are doing everything in YOUR power to help her. If she has a perfectionistic personality then that is something that she needs to learn how to deal with--not necessarily change, but learn how to make it work for her not against her. I would recommend having her watch the movie Peaceful Warrior. It may be a little over her head since she is only 11 but she has a lot of the gymnastics experience that requires her to have a tough mental outlook so she may understand and "get" the movie. It sounds like she is letting the nerves and the "what ifs" get to her too much. She needs to not worry about the future and just focus on the here and now. The movie talks a lot about this concept and I think it is a great way to look at life. We need to stop worrying about the past and the future because they are out of our control. The here and now are the only things that we can actively change and have control over.

Good luck!!!

 

[Gymdad2]

I agree with the others, it sounds like you are doing all you can do. I also agree that her coaches might be able to help her let go of some of that self-imposed pressure. My DD is also a perfectionist and gets very upset with herself when she doesn't do as well as she wants. She has very high expectations for herself and doesn't like to accept less than her best. I think this is something common to many gymnasts - especially the ones like your dd who has already achieved a great deal in this sport. Since your dd is looking to do 9 at her age she must be very very good and I don't think there is a lot more than you can do besides being supportive.

My dd's moods go up and down according to how well she is doing. She has been down lately but came home last night happy. She found out after practice that hc had entered in the first meet in December at L10. It will be her first time for that. That has been her goal since she started 10 years ago and it means a lot to her.

Good luck to your dd in the intrasquad. I think she will do well.

 

[taximom]

Cathiann It sounds to me like you've done all you can do.

((((((HUGS))))))

I'm also the mom to a 11 yr old perfectionist. Hang in there, keep listening and cheering her on. The pressure is coming from herself so there really isn't anything you can do to lessen it.

I sometimes wish Coaches didn't tell the athletes the plan. Let her compete, if she reaches the score then talk to her about moving up to level 9. That way she wouldn't feel like she failed. Just my 2 cents for the day. Thinking of you!

 

[lovofu]

Hi, my daughter is alot like yours. A negative tape starts playing in her head and she couldn't turn it off. I talked to and said "It's like you have an IPOD in your head with music you don't like, bad words and a rotten tune, when you hear that music ...press forward and play a song you like...a I can do it, I deserve it song" The other night she got in the car after a brutal workout where the coach wasn't really happy with her and she said "Mom, it worked, I changed the song and kept going". Silly maybe but it clicked with her. Sophia also works on being a "tigger" not an eyeore and understands the difference. The whoa is me, I can't do it doesn't work but bouncing along with a great message in your head does. Hope this helps.

Karen
Mom to super intense Sophia (only level 4 but a perfectionist)

 

[cathiann]

Geesh, that is a hard one. Seems to me like you are doing everything right. I guess I would just continue to support her like you are. Do you think her coaches could get through to her a bit better? Maybe they could sit down with her and let her know that she is doing her best and that is all that anyone expects out of her. Sometimes for us, just NOT talking about it helps more. That is just how my dd works. However, she is only 8 so there is a big congnitive difference. Good luck to her at her intrasquad! Maybe she just needs to get this meet over and get all the jitters out. Good luck to mom too!

I emailed one of her coaches this morning and already heard back--she said Beth would have to have an absolutely horrible meet not to qualify and she has no concerns about that happening. She's going to talk to Beth and try to allay her fears. Beth is also worried that she doesn't know her level 8 routines--since she's been working on level 9 routines, so at the pre-intrasquad meet this Saturday (just for the coaches--no real judges), she'll do those routines. I think just knowing what she is going to do will help a lot AND having her coach (not just her mom) tell her she'll have no problem will help alot!

 

[cathiann]

Wow--that is a tough one! But it does sound like you are doing everything in YOUR power to help her. If she has a perfectionistic personality then that is something that she needs to learn how to deal with--not necessarily change, but learn how to make it work for her not against her. I would recommend having her watch the movie Peaceful Warrior. It may be a little over her head since she is only 11 but she has a lot of the gymnastics experience that requires her to have a tough mental outlook so she may understand and "get" the movie. It sounds like she is letting the nerves and the "what ifs" get to her too much. She needs to not worry about the future and just focus on the here and now. The movie talks a lot about this concept and I think it is a great way to look at life. We need to stop worrying about the past and the future because they are out of our control. The here and now are the only things that we can actively change and have control over.

Good luck!!!

Heck, that's a message I need to keep beating into my own head! Beth is so smart that she's constantly looking at all the "what ifs" about the future--unfortunately she tends to focus on the bad ones.

 

[cathiann]

Hi, my daughter is alot like yours. A negative tape starts playing in her head and she couldn't turn it off. I talked to and said "It's like you have an IPOD in your head with music you don't like, bad words and a rotten tune, when you hear that music ...press forward and play a song you like...a I can do it, I deserve it song" The other night she got in the car after a brutal workout where the coach wasn't really happy with her and she said "Mom, it worked, I changed the song and kept going". Silly maybe but it clicked with her. Sophia also works on being a "tigger" not an eyeore and understands the difference. The whoa is me, I can't do it doesn't work but bouncing along with a great message in your head does. Hope this helps.

Karen
Mom to super intense Sophia (only level 4 but a perfectionist)

Oh I love this! I should mention it to her too. Thanks!

 

[AlexsGymmyMom]

wow that is a hard one. I cannot offer any advice as my DD Alex (also 11) is just the opposite. She never stresses out about anything and is just happy go lucky all the time. I sometimes wish she could be more of a perfectionist but with that comes the stress. All I can offer is that I am sure that she will do fine. If the coaches didn't feel she could do it then they would not have put her where she is!

 

[kristilyn73]

Cathiann,

I hear what you are saying! I have been there too! These kids to it to themselves. You are doing everything you can. Like another poster said, they keep this recording in their brain it goes over and over again. I actually had Beetle in Counseling for a while for a different reason but there was one thing that the counselor said that has stuck with both of us.

Bright kids tend to do this, they haven't learned how to 'turn off' their brain. But we can help them learn. For Beetle it was this "lay down and invision a white sheet around you.. then think about that white sheet being able to block out all noise. just concentrate on the white. before long they have a clear head. (for Beetle.. this helped her sleep at night)

Good Luck Cathiann.. sounds like her coaches are aware and willing to help the problem too!

 

[Gymmonkeymomma]

Hugs to you both, Cathiann. I hate when the girls feel that kind of pressure. Seems like 11/12 is a tough age to be a level 8 these days, huh? I don't have any advice other than to keep reassuring Beth that doing her best should be good enough!

 

[mariposa]

I have no advice and it looks like you got lots of great advice already. Just wanted to send hugs to you and the "Think positive" fairy for your daughter. I think they sometimes forget just how amazing they really are just doing what they can do at her level. I hope she has a great intrasquad meet.