Parents A Parent's Part in a Mental Block

[Becauseisaid]

I know that almost every gymnast goes through this at least once; ergo, almost every parent goes through this at least once. I don't think knowing that helps with the frustration felt by both.

My daughter (newly 9 yo and L3) has developed a fear of jumping to the high bar. She can squat on the low bar and balance all day - I even have pictures of her standing up straight on the low bar. She has no fear of climbing to the high bar and performing skills. She will even squat on, stand and jump off the single bars. It is literally only being asked to make that jump on the UB that triggers this fear.

So what is MY role as a parent in this case? I've been encouraging by letting her know that she has done the jump before and can do it. I've tried logic by letting her know it's only a mental block and once she can turn off her brain, she'll be fine. And now I've moved to passivity by telling her she doesn't need the skill this year, she'll make it when she needs it, don't stress, don't worry, it will come when it will come.

 

[GymMomXcel]

I have found that when I back off on speaking about and asking about a specific skill or fear or block...it goes away quicker. It keeps it between her and her coaches and she puts less pressure on herself because it's one less person she feels is invested in her moment of weakness and watching and waiting. I say just give it time.. one day she will come to you and be excited and will have worked through it.

 

[GymMomXcel]

... and ((hugs!!)) ... I know it's frusterating. You know she can do it. Her coach knows she can do it. It takes time for her to build her own confidence up with it. Once she gives in and does it once or twice..she will most likely get a feel for it and feel more secure in it to really go for it and get comfortable with it. But really.. the answer, in my opinion, is just time. Patience and time.

 

[MeetDirector]

Because -

Your job?? Be the parent and not the coach! Stop talking about it at all. Leave gym at the gym. The skill is hers to get, not yours so just leave the subject alone. I am saying this after many years of this sport (dd is a Lvl 9/10) and many mental blocks. None of them were overcome by me; it is simply something that she has to learn how to deal with it. This is one of the most difficult things for a parent to do in this crazy sport because you want to make it all better; you can't. You have to trust that her coaches know what they are doing.

Good Luck.

 

[Becauseisaid]

Your job?? Be the parent and not the coach! Stop talking about it at all. Leave gym at the gym.

You're killin' me! LOL. My head knows you're right, but my Mom instincts are to fix it and make it better. Unfortunately I can't go out, kill the bars, and drag them home for her. (The visual that thought brings though...)

 

[ladybird]

I agree, don't even talk about it. Try not to even ask how practice went unless she brings it up. My dd has had some HUGE mental blocks on things that I know she can do and this method of avoiding gym talk has worked wonders. And of course give it a little time too! Good luck!

 

[MeetDirector]

Because -

Dealing with blocks as a parent AND your dd dealing with them as an athlete are one of the biggest hurdles you will encounter. It is tough, but I will tell you with absolute certainty that this will not be the last mental block she will have and your ability to be there as her support system (not coach) will be tested many times. Her ability to work through a block with her coaches now at this young age will set her up to handle the future blocks that come from the crazy skills that are in her future.

Good Luck.

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

MeetDirector is right...some of us just have to experience it for ourselves before it starts to sink in. After doing them beautifully for 8 months, Kipper fell 3 times doing cartwheels on the high beam, and developed a stubborn fear. This went on for 4 months!!!!! I thought her gym career was over. LOL Eventually, she just got past it, and NOTHING I said or did helped. It was a great lesson for both of us. Now we both know...eventually she will overcome, and me asking her about it just creates more anxiety. When she did regain the skill, she couldn't WAIT to tell me about it...so don't worry, you'll know when it happens.

 

[kandkfunk]

Right there with MeetDirector. The likelihood of you helping her overcome the mental block by doing anything other than supporting her is close to nil, but you could make the block infinitely worse or permanent by pushing. I know becuase I've been there. I've had to learn the hard way because, as you said, our first insincts as parents is to help and fix. But, that doesn't work in this crazy sport. The great thing about gymnastics is that our kids aren't the only ones constantly learning new things. There are lots of things for us parents to learn along the way as well. And one of them is how to truly be your kid's biggest supporter.

 

[Midwestmommy]

The only think I would add is that if you are "helicoptering" and watching practice a lot, do yourself and her a favor and stop. Go get some exercise or see a movie with your other kids or something if possible. You being there is more likely than not increasing her anxiety (if you are watching). Time to back way off and trust your child and the coaches to work through it. Be there for her if she brings it up, but other than that focus on all the things other than gymnastics that make your daughter special for a while. This shall pass...

 

[Natasha]

I think as parents we all want to believe that we will have the magical perfect thing to say that will just "click" with our gymnast and suddenly their block will be gone, all because we were able to give them that wise advice and then we will live happily ever after. As parents we have to come to grips with the reality that it is just not going to happen. Parents talking about it, trying to fix it, asking about it, etc all just lead to one thing...the gymnast gets the idea that it is very important to the parent and the parent becomes one more person she is disappointing and one more person pressuring her.
So, don't bring it up, don't even ask "How was bars?" If she brings it up, simply reassure her that you know she will get it and don't act concerned.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

don't talk about it at all.

 

[GymBee97]

Just be there for her and keep things sort of Matter of factly. If you talk about it at all it might just be a quick question once a week like hey how did bars go today. and then just drop it. Usually the coaches have things handled and a plan in place.

 

[Geoffrey Taucer]

In my opinion the best thing you can do is to do nothing, at least with regards to the skill she's struggling with. If she wants to talk about it then talk about it with her, but don't bring it up; keep your focus on the positive. Ask her about her other skills, and her other events. If she can see that you're stressing about it, that just puts more pressure on her; what she needs, more than anything else, is to know that you support her, regardless of success or failure on any specific skill.

EDIT: Somebody pointed out to me that usually when I give advice to parents, it tends to boil down to "run along and don't worry your pretty little head about it."

So just so I don't come across as any more condescending than necessary, let me explain a bit further:

There are three things that people need to provide for a gymnast in order for her to be sucessful; technical guidance, motivation, and support. I firmly believe that each of these must come primarily from a different source.

Guidance should come from the coach. We provide our technical expertise, we tell the kids what they need to do and how they need to do it. We provide a bit of support and motivation as well, but guidance is our primary job.

Motivation should come from the gymnast themselves. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how much anybody else wants the gymnast to improve; either the gymnast wants it enough to put in the work and effort, or they don't. If the gymnast doesn't want to improve, it doesn't matter how much anybody else wants them to. If the gymnast doesn't want to get a skill, she won't get it. Nobody else can want it for them.

And support should come from the parents, and it should be unconditional. It is crucially important that gymnasts understand that no matter what happens, throughout (and regardless of) all success or failure they may have, somebody's proud of them. The pressures of the gym are immense, and while I do think kids benefit from learning to deal with this sort of pressure, they also need to know that at the end of practice, even if it was their worst practice ever, they can go home to a place where there's no pressure on them and where somebody's proud of them.

The less blending between these roles, the better in my opinion. This is not to say that a coach or parent can't occasionally help a kid to become more motivated, but good sustainable motivation comes from pride in success, not from fear of failure.

 

[B&M's mom]

I've stopped being involved. I ask the generic "how was practice" question and usually get a "good". If either gymnast daughter wants to talk, they know that they can but I don't inquire about specific events or skills. They both know that I'm proud of them regardless of whether they can connect their bar routine (youngest daughter) or twist her vault (oldest daughter). It's taken a lot of stress off all of us as there is really nothing I can do and they know that I'm behind them.

It's not easy to let go but once I learned (and I had to learn) it made everything better for everyone.

 

[Becauseisaid]

So just so I don't come across as any more condescending than necessary, let me explain a bit further:

So what you're saying is run along and don't worry my pretty little head about it? Bwahahaaaa!!

 

[Geoffrey Taucer]

So what you're saying is run along and don't worry my pretty little head about it? Bwahahaaaa!!

I suppose that's a fair summary. But then, I'm assuming that unconditional love and support are a given, and I don't have to tell you to do those

 

[htimcj]

I have to say that because I stayed out of the issue and the coaches were more than aware of the potential problem and worked with her, we completely avoided a mental block do to fear. DD fell really hard on her BWO/BHS series which she has been doing fabulously for weeks. Her hands slipped off the beam at the end of her BHS and down she went. And I mean DOWN. She now has a very colorful 4 inch bruise on her shin She did get up and try to keep going but it hurt. Her coaches did encourage her to continue with her routine without the series which after some ice she did just fine. Then she was encouraged to try at least BHS on the floor beam which she did but you could tell she was NOT comfortable. I of course made sure she was OK gave her a hug and we left at the end of practice. On Saturday she was encouraged to do her BHS where she was comfortable (floor beam) . By Monday she was on the high beam with a red mat and all I said was how beautiful they looked. The coaches says good job and carried on. By Tuesday she was over it and back doing the whole series beautifully with no mat, no spot. I completely believe that this progress was because I stayed out of it and two her coaches had a plan.

 

[Peanut]

In my opinion the best thing you can do is to do nothing, at least with regards to the skill she's struggling with. If she wants to talk about it then talk about it with her, but don't bring it up; keep your focus on the positive. Ask her about her other skills, and her other events. If she can see that you're stressing about it, that just puts more pressure on her; what she needs, more than anything else, is to know that you support her, regardless of success or failure on any specific skill.

EDIT: Somebody pointed out to me that usually when I give advice to parents, it tends to boil down to "run along and don't worry your pretty little head about it."

So just so I don't come across as any more condescending than necessary, let me explain a bit further:

There are three things that people need to provide for a gymnast in order for her to be sucessful; technical guidance, motivation, and support. I firmly believe that each of these must come primarily from a different source.

Guidance should come from the coach. We provide our technical expertise, we tell the kids what they need to do and how they need to do it. We provide a bit of support and motivation as well, but guidance is our primary job.

Motivation should come from the gymnast themselves. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how much anybody else wants the gymnast to improve; either the gymnast wants it enough to put in the work and effort, or they don't. If the gymnast doesn't want to improve, it doesn't matter how much anybody else wants them to. If the gymnast doesn't want to get a skill, she won't get it. Nobody else can want it for them.

And support should come from the parents, and it should be unconditional. It is crucially important that gymnasts understand that no matter what happens, throughout (and regardless of) all success or failure they may have, somebody's proud of them. The pressures of the gym are immense, and while I do think kids benefit from learning to deal with this sort of pressure, they also need to know that at the end of practice, even if it was their worst practice ever, they can go home to a place where there's no pressure on them and where somebody's proud of them.

The less blending between these roles, the better in my opinion. This is not to say that a coach or parent can't occasionally help a kid to become more motivated, but good sustainable motivation comes from pride in success, not from fear of failure.

Thank you for this post. DD, a tiny 7 yr old level 4, has struggled with her jump to the high bar all season. For her, the fear has come and gone and returned again this past week. While my wife and I treat DD's gymnastics as hers, it's been very hard to fully let go. Coach has only let her compete bars once this season. She has one last chance to qualify for states next weekend. I told her yesterday I was leaving it up to her to work it out with her coaches. They say they want her to qualify, but last night I only saw her working from high bar to dismount. No squat ons or jumps. Trying to have faith that coach will encourage her to try over the next 5 practices before her meet.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

What everyone else said, you could very very easily make it worse without intent to do so. I have seen this more often than not...