Parents Adjusting to new gym

[glad2bgymmom]

My daughter just moved to a new gym. She did not want to move, but my husband and I felt it was the best choice. She is 12 and competed L9 last year. For those of you who moved your reluctant gymnast to a new gym, how long did it take them to adjust?

 

[Sasha]

Can you offer any insight into why your daughter did not wish to move but you decided it was best? For example, if there was something toxic about the old gym she couldn't see? Or perhaps did she concur that her gym wasn't going to help reach her goals, but just reluctant to leave friends?

I think the reasons why she was reluctant to move, and how strong those feeling were, will probably dictate her adjustment period. Is she resentful of the move? Or generally understands the reasoning, just missing friends?

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Why did you want her to move? And why did she not want to move.? Did she have any say at all? In timing? In where?

 

[thefellowsmom]

For my kid when we moved gyms (similar age/level) ...

She was sad but I wouldn't say reluctant.

She is very routine and structure driven and most of the kids in her new group are a lot older than her and she was really a leader at the old gym so this added to her complications.

All this taken into account, I would say it took about three months for her to get back to herself.

But, this was with her very motivated to do so. If she had been reluctant to embrace the new situation I could see it taking longer.

 

[Muddlethru]

I still vividly remember when we switched gyms. It was heartwrenching for me to see my daughter so sad. My daughter was 11 years old and a Level 9. It was a switch in the right direction however. Training was not good at her former gym. When we switched I made the mistake of telling her, we could go back to her former gym if she truly hated this gym. Then I realized this was not a good thing to say as she will find everything wrong with the new gym and will not try to adjust. So, I told her, it was this gym and she could not go back. She stopped crying and I think started to try to accept her fate. But honestly, for several months, she looked like somebody died despite her new team welcoming her and instantly inviting her to sleepovers. She did not smile as much.

It took a good 6 months before my daughter finally looked like she was enjoying herself again. But if you ask my daughter, she thinks it only took two weeks to get over her old gym. She even commented to me several years ago, that she remembers it being somewhat hard to leave her first gym, but she said, if she had to leave this seond gym, it would be exponentially harder. We've been at this gym going on 4 years now. She is a third year Level 10 and very happy. Your daughter will get over the switch, just hang in there.

 

[glad2bgymmom]

There were several reasons for the move. All the reasons individually were not enough to move her, but together we felt the move was warranted. It was an extremely tough decision. We did move her and she started the new gym. Although she seemed fine in practice from the little that I saw, she broke down in the car afterwards saying she just wants to go back to first gym. She competed at first gym for 5 seasons. Reasons we moved her -- We felt a different coaching style would be beneficial to her. Lots of crying at old gym. Extreme pressure to be perfect. She puts a lot of pressure on herself, the outside pressure from coaches was getting too tough to watch. Although the older gym was having great success, there was not an established optional program. There are a few other factors, but these are the biggest. (My daughter did have friends at the older gym, but was definitely a little more to herself. Tended to not be included in after gym activities but seemed well-liked at the gym. I did not drag her away from all her best friends, although I did drag her away from teammates if that makes sense.)

 

[glad2bgymmom]

For my kid when we moved gyms (similar age/level) ...

She was sad but I wouldn't say reluctant.

She is very routine and structure driven and most of the kids in her new group are a lot older than her and she was really a leader at the old gym so this added to her complications.

All this taken into account, I would say it took about three months for her to get back to herself.

But, this was with her very motivated to do so. If she had been reluctant to embrace the new situation I could see it taking longer.

Thank you for letting me know. I have a feeling it will take a longer amount of time then. So sad. It is going to be tough watching. We factored in so much when making decision to leave. We knew it was going to be tough for her, but now I am just concerned with the length of time it will be tough.

 

[glad2bgymmom]

I still vividly remember when we switched gyms. It was heartwrenching for me to see my daughter so sad. My daughter was 11 years old and a Level 9. It was a switch in the right direction however. Training was not good at her former gym. When we switched I made the mistake of telling her, we could go back to her former gym if she truly hated this gym. Then I realized this was not a good thing to say as she will find everything wrong with the new gym and will not try to adjust. So, I told her, it was this gym and she could not go back. She stopped crying and I think started to try to accept her fate. But honestly, for several months, she looked like somebody died despite her new team welcoming her and instantly inviting her to sleepovers. She did not smile as much.

It took a good 6 months before my daughter finally looked like she was enjoying herself again. But if you ask my daughter, she thinks it only took two weeks to get over her old gym. She even commented to me several years ago, that she remembers it being somewhat hard to leave her first gym, but she said, if she had to leave this seond gym, it would be exponentially harder. We've been at this gym going on 4 years now. She is a third year Level 10 and very happy. Your daughter will get over the switch, just hang in there.

I made the same mistake you made. I told my daughter we are just trying it out. Last night I had to say we are staying. I am happy to hear that the move was good for your daughter. It gives me hope that things will get better. I need that now!

 

[Deleted member 18037]

She puts a lot of pressure on herself,

I just don't think a change of gym will help something like this. This kind of stuff is internal, changing the external won't necessarily help that.

And I wonder if it will perhaps make it more difficult, as the new kid, feeling like she has to prove herself. I would be concerned that would make the internal pressure more not less.

I also wonder if she had any say at all in her fate, which is also a big thing. Since this is her sport. Its not like there was a job change for a parent that caused a move.

I just think it is going to take longer than you would hope or think.

 

[glad2bgymmom]

I just don't think a change of gym will help something like this. This kind of stuff is internal, changing the external won't necessarily help that.

And I wonder if it will perhaps make it more difficult, as the new kid, feeling like she has to prove herself. I would be concerned that would make the internal pressure more not less.

I also wonder if she had any say at all in her fate, which is also a big thing. Since this is her sport. Its not like there was a job change for a parent that caused a move.

I just think it is going to take longer than you would hope or think.

As parents we had to make this choice. There was a lot of external pressure from the coach. The way things were worded, etc. She had to interpret what the coach said to something positive. Not easy for anyone to do that, especially a 12 year old. I don't think she'll have that same pressure at the new gym. Even with being the new girl.

 

[Natasha]

I just don't think a change of gym will help something like this. This kind of stuff is internal, changing the external won't necessarily help that.

And I wonder if it will perhaps make it more difficult, as the new kid, feeling like she has to prove herself. I would be concerned that would make the internal pressure more not less.

I also wonder if she had any say at all in her fate, which is also a big thing. Since this is her sport. Its not like there was a job change for a parent that caused a move.

I just think it is going to take longer than you would hope or think.

I disagree. For a gymnast who already puts a lot of pressure on themselves and especially the ones that are 'pleasers,' (which is most often intertwined) the coach style can have a big effect. The pressure can be greatly reduced if the gymnast can feel like she does not also have to worry about disappointing the coach. It's okay for your dd to miss her old gym and to have times of feeling sad and to grieve the loss, but like any loss with a move or change, she will adjust and hopefully will find that she loves her gym!

 

[duyetanh]

This is a well timed post in terms of pleasing coaches. I just had a talk with mine on the way to gym, saying you are not doing this to make your coaches happy. Or me happy. You are doing it for yourself. And if you r happy, heck I am happy.

 

[bookworm]

We moved gyms twice and both times it was my call as I pay the bills. The first move was just that my oldest had outgrown the program at the ripe old age of 8 ...I researched a few gyms, visited them myself and then took her there one night and said "this is your new gym" ...she got very silent and when we got to the car said I was "ruining her life"...fast forward 1 month there and she was a new gymnast and happy as a clam...had made a lot of friends, did well competitively (after the 1st meet and she's on the podium, I say "am I still ruining your life?")... even at 8, she knew she was getting better coaching....and 2 of her buddies actually followed us a few months later to this gym so that helped. We stayed there 6 years.

The second time, both my girls were older but we're aware that the coaching had run its course at their gym so I moved them. They weren't too happy to have moved and although they were progressing in the gym and making plenty of friends , they weren't very pleasant so I just said to both of them "you have 2 choices: either be happy or be done"....they promptly had an attitude change and were fine within 2 weeks of arrival at that new gym.

 

[txgymfan]

That's what I was thinking of earlier. Your post about be happy or be done. I love it! They are wise words.

 

[bookworm]

That's what I was thinking of earlier. Your post about be happy or be done. I love it! They are wise words.

Yes our commute was too long to be accompanied by unhappy gymnasts

 

[gracyomalley]

My high pressure try to please everyone and be perfect 11 year old switched at 11/level 8 - never settled in and quit a year later after rough road. At the time I had an inkling she was developing fears but because she had been at a small program where she had "grown up", and always performed well in meets even if frightened - and I tried to stay out of practice - I had no idea how many. They exploded in a new, less personal, larger gym with more upper optionals and longer wait times for equipment, a few bully type kids and a transitioning program which led to 8 coaches (almost all of which were very kind but often coached very differently and gave different info to her confused head) in 2 years...even though she had friends there, her brothers were there, and she knew and liked the head coach, who worked to help her as best she could when she had any time to do so...

The gym she grew up with was in the process of closing (or about to be...) so in the end although the original choice had to do with family issues/money, there eventually was NO real choice. Most of her teammates eventually moved also. Now 2 years later only one of her close friends actually transitioned well and is thriving - however, the one who is was the most talented of them all, and most able to "do gym and not stress about it too much". Also the most able to learn things quickly in whatever environment, then polish later, whereas my DD was a "learn slowly but all polished when got it" gymnast...and I think that difference helped her friend thrive through all the coaching inconsistency and teammate craziness - and come out still loving gym.

I think adolescence and upper levels are a time when sometimes they "gotta move" for lots of reasons - and it makes or breaks them - but my guess is that for many of those kids they would be done with gym by high school anyway, and the pressure to adjust to different coaching styles, teammate interactions, equipment, etc probably just pushes the issues much quicker. Whether you make it an ultimatum or not, in the end they will either "be happy or be done"...

The feeling of watching your child struggle due to a decision you made does stink - but I guess that is a big part of parenting. DD is still a good gymnast - with a year off she can still "mess around " and do essentially all of Level 7 except giants and has actually gotten over her twisting issue - but she no longer wants to be a gymnast and has moved on to other things - and her brothers continue to be happy and well coached at the gym that didn't work for her - so my guess is she wasn't meant to continue in the long run...

If your DD loves gym for gym, and is given good coaching and parents who truely do what they think is best for her she'll find her way to either be happy or done - it will take time though...

 

[Pea'sMom]

Pea made a gym switch about 6 months ago. Her choice to leave old gym, take a few weeks off, and find a new gym. Even though it was her choice it took her a while to get used to it. New coaches, style, kids, dynamics etc. She was fairly stagnate for a while but has, recently, made some huge strides skill wise. I think the skill jump has been tied to her comfort with all the new things. She has been beaming the last few weeks!

 

[MaryA]

When DD switched gyms at 10, she knew it was the right move, though it was still hard. There was a lot of guilt about leaving the team she had been with since she was 5. However, at 10 she made friends quickly and there was almost no adjustment time, at least not socially (her body took a little longer to adjust to more hours). She had the option to switch gyms again this year to follow a coach that she adored (to a gym that was closer and cheaper), but she was adamantly against it. I think these things are a lot harder when they're teenagers. We didn't force it.

It sounds like you made the decision based on what you feel is best for your daughter's long-term mental health and well-being. Good for you! Hopefully your daughter will thrive before too long.

 

[glad2bgymmom]

Thank you to everyone who provided insight. I know it will take my daughter longer to completely adjust, but at least she has mentioned a few positive things about the new gym. I know she would go back to the old gym in a heartbeat though. I just hope in 6 months or even a year she thanks me for making this change happen. By then, she will be a teenager, so I know that will never happen. I guess I will just have to hope for a more relaxed, less stressed gymnast who is learning awesome new skills and having fun!