Parents Anxiety of a young gymnast

[Lilou]

Hi- new to the community. Wondering if anyone has had a young gymnast with selective mutism and how you were able to help her deal with the anxiety? My 5 yr old has been recruited by two gyms for their level 2 developmental program, but her anxiety is holding her back. She tried two classes of it at one gym and walked out because the coaches were too tough and rough with her when she didn't talk to them or do certain things (granted they didn't know her anxiety diagnoses and neither did I at the time). So I keep her in recreational classes but she's having trouble participating in those too because of her anxiety. But when I ask her if she wants to quit, she adamantly says no, and ultimately I don't think quitting is the right decision for her anyway. She just now starting to get behavorial help. Thanks!

 

[gracyomalley]

My older son was selectively mute at that age - I don't think he spoke to teachers/coaches/etc until more like 9-10 years old. Honestly, it held him back in some areas. Basically he stayed in rec gym until he was almost 11, then had the confidence to go to team - where he's now a 15 year old training L9. His music teachers had to work around his tears and silence - but he loved his music lessons! We homeschooled until high school, which was a great choice for him as learning wasn't tied to his anxiety issues...but doesn't work for every family.

Harder with a girl esp. if you are in a high pressure gym area. Even as a male gymnast DS is too old for Nationals, but some gyms won't have the patience to wait for your DD to grow in confidence. I would look for a small gym with experienced coaches who maybe work with special needs kids too (so that they are comfortable dealing with kids who may need a personalized approache). In small group settings, my kid was able to follow instructions, nod in answer to questions from coaches, etc. and have fun with adults who didn't push him to speak but read his cues. Honestly, as I mentionned it did slow him down a bunch (not too important over all in gym, but in other areas...well...) but he now can go to music camps for weeks on his own, is thriving at a small high school, and still doing gym, makes solid friendships (if slowly over years , ) and although anxiety is still a big deal for him he's better able to function. I know my DD first gym would have worked for a kid like yours (that's where DS did rec - sometimes he was the only kid in his class doing FHS vaults and back hand springs, but they made a point of making it work for him until he could transition to the other gym that had a team), but probably not the bigger, louder, higher pressure gym she changed to at L8. Both were great gyms with good coaches, but different kids need different things. Find a coach who sees gym as "for everyone" and you may be amazed at how much your kid will blossom - SLOWLY but surely!

Good luck! If she loves it, the tears and confusion/anxiety are honestly part of the journey for her and would be there in something else too...

 

[GlobalNomad]

Will she talk to her friends when she is in public? DD has trouble talking to new adults, but not kids. Dd will eventually speak to a trusted adult. We got around this issue because, until she knew the coach well, she would tell her teammates what she needed and they would tell the coach.

 

[Mrs. Puma]

@Faolmor

 

[Lilou]

Thank you both for your replies. To answer your question, she will not really talk to the others in her class either. And not the coaches (anymore). When her sister stays with her during class, she is a vibrant, happy gymnast, but her sister typically is supposed to be in her more advanced class.

The gym we are at is large, but the coach she has is very good with her and her needs. Sadly DD had such as bad team experience there that is what now has thrown her off even for the recreational class. Before she used to be better about talking to the coach every once in a while and doing everything they asked. But now, she doesn't talk at all to anyone.

We might look at another gym but I do like her current caring coach. I think they are flexible with my DD because they want to keep her there. The other gym that recruited her is smaller and I don't know how they would accommodate her SM.

It's great to your son has gotten through some of his anxiety. It's good to see the light at the end of the tunnel! It's tough as a parent watching her miss out on opportunities. And your last sentence really hit home: If she loves it, the tears and confusion/anxiety are honestly part of the journey for her and would be there in something else too... Very true!

 

[NutterButter]

Find a coach who sees gym as "for everyone" and you may be amazed at how much your kid will blossom - SLOWLY but surely!

Good luck! If she loves it, the tears and confusion/anxiety are honestly part of the journey for her and would be there in something else too...

Yes to the entire post above but especially what I quoted! I don't have experience with selective mutism but I do with anxious kiddos. I would be upfront with the gym and ask for a suggestion for a teacher who can embrace your DD and allow her to participate on her terms. With therapy and support your DD will indeed blossom. And I also agree that the anxiety is part of her journey too and would be there in other activities too. If she loves gym (and it sounds like she does) she will find a way to make it work and oh, what a great payoff for her.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

Hold on.... You lost mere here... "My 5 yr old has been recruited by two gyms for their level 2 developmental program"....

 

[Lilou]

Hold on.... You lost mere here... "My 5 yr old has been recruited by two gyms for their level 2 developmental program"....

Yes, recruited as in one pulled her out of her rec class, and the other gym came to talk to me after seeing her at an open gym. But I have to remind myself to take it slow and maybe she'll come back around later when she learns how to deal with her anxiety and SM. Or find a team coach that will accommodate her needs, if that exists.

 

[Lilou]

Also, I'm totally new to the gymnastics world so if I'm using the wrong vocabulary for things please let me know. Just going on my experience we've had over the last year, mainly at one gym... I know L2 is a pre-team and not actual team.

 

[Mrs. Puma]

Also, I'm totally new to the gymnastics world so if I'm using the wrong vocabulary for things please let me know. Just going on my experience we've had over the last year, mainly at one gym... I know L2 is a pre-team and not actual team.

On some things the lingo varies...at our old gym, the "pre-team" was at one point L3-5 then Xcel Silver and Gold...but I believe most gyms' pre-teams don't compete. Our new gym has two "levels" of pre-team and the higher one learns L3 routines and has an in-house fun meet.

 

[l.c.o]

My DD has selective mutism - I am going to PM you.

 

[Lilou]

My DD has selective mutism - I am going to PM you.

Thank you!

 

[tuckfull]

There is a girl at my DD's gym who doesn't speak to adults. Well, she didn't used to...I think she will a little bit now and she is around 11yo. She went from rec to pre-team to Xcel and has been very successful in the program. Her coach is amazing with her; she's very patient and understanding and just "gets" her. It seems that gymnastics and this coach have been wonderful for this kid. She loves the sport and just looks so confident in the gym and during competitions.

Where ever you end up, I'd make sure the coaches know of her dx and how best to instruct her. Many people don't understand selective mutism, and that's going to be key with anyone working with your DD.

 

[LadyBugGymnast]

We are going through something similar as well with Bug right now. She picks and chooses when she wants to be "shy" or have anxiety about things, and that sometimes causes tears at gym, or in public. But at the gym it seems to be effecting how the coaches view her, unfortunately. Her skills are improving but she still pretty much keeps to herself. Last week one of the coaches asked her why she was shy and it upset her, causing her to cry in front of her teammates. She said she was embarrassed that she called her shy. I know for sure she has SM when it comes to speaking to adults, but she is just reserved; but really opens up when she trusts you. She has anxiety about the pit bar/vault pit due to a bad fall and we've been working on it slowly, and making progress, but sometimes tears take over. It takes a few deep breaths and a reminder that she CAN do it. For her, the more you feed into the anxiety/crying, and prolong the event, the more she gets worked up and the worse it gets. But, shes been making progress!

Ive never really felt like I had to tell her coaches because all kids are kind of quiet, or shy. I didnt want to feel like I was making an excuse for her, or anything, as they already kind of view shyness as kind of negative. But maybe I should, seeing the above posts? Im just hoping she can continue to work through it and bond with her coaches, as she has been, and finally do all the things she tells me she wants to do. Nothing hurts more than having your dd come home and say "My best friend X did Y today, but I couldn't because I was too scared. But I wanted to. But I couldn't. What do I do?"

 

[ROMfan]

@LadyBugGymnast. I would probably mention something to her coaches. I'm mostly responding to the part where you said you haven't because " all kids are shy". Not in my experience-- I have a 7 year old who is quite the opposite. For example, if he got a different toy in a Happy Meal at McDonalds than the one he wanted, he would be right at the counter " excuse me? Excuse me? I really wanted X toy...will you please look and see if I can change this one?"

He's always been like that. Kindergarten the first day he took some scared and crying little boy's hand and told him " come with me I'll show you where to go" ( even though it was his first day too lol)

Some kids are very reserved; some are not. But if you feel yours is more shy than average or that it would benefit her if the coaches were aware-- then by all means gently and privately mention it. It may help them encourage her through her fears

 

[Lilou]

Hi LadyBugGymnast- My oldest (9) is not shy at all compared to the one who is SM. If you think you're child has SM or has big shy issues, I would talk to the coach so they don't push her to talk unneccesarily. However, if she's scared of something because she fell, I kinda think that's totally normal and this is a great opportunity for her to learn that she can conquer the fear she has. Our therapist just said something that resonated with me, "Fear is good. But we have two types... the types that keep us from getting hit by a car when we're crossing the road and we run back to the sidewalk so as not to get hit when a car is coming. Good fear that is. The second is fear that is the kind we have to get through. The kind that is still valid feelings, but we need to conquer and stay in it to get through it." This is why I put the pic and quote of Nadia that I did, because essentially that kind of fear, I believe we need to run toward it, as long as the environment is safe.

We are going through something similar as well with Bug right now. She picks and chooses when she wants to be "shy" or have anxiety about things, and that sometimes causes tears at gym, or in public. But at the gym it seems to be effecting how the coaches view her, unfortunately. Her skills are improving but she still pretty much keeps to herself. Last week one of the coaches asked her why she was shy and it upset her, causing her to cry in front of her teammates. She said she was embarrassed that she called her shy. I know for sure she has SM when it comes to speaking to adults, but she is just reserved; but really opens up when she trusts you. She has anxiety about the pit bar/vault pit due to a bad fall and we've been working on it slowly, and making progress, but sometimes tears take over. It takes a few deep breaths and a reminder that she CAN do it. For her, the more you feed into the anxiety/crying, and prolong the event, the more she gets worked up and the worse it gets. But, shes been making progress!

Ive never really felt like I had to tell her coaches because all kids are kind of quiet, or shy. I didnt want to feel like I was making an excuse for her, or anything, as they already kind of view shyness as kind of negative. But maybe I should, seeing the above posts? Im just hoping she can continue to work through it and bond with her coaches, as she has been, and finally do all the things she tells me she wants to do. Nothing hurts more than having your dd come home and say "My best friend X did Y today, but I couldn't because I was too scared. But I wanted to. But I couldn't. What do I do?"