Parents Bickering... among the kids, not parents!

[gymmommy123]

My little dd (age 7) has been at a new gym since December, on lvl 3 team. Overall we've been happy with how she's progressing, they challenge her and her skills have been progressing. I like the owner and the coaches seem reasonably good. However, I'm having concerns with how the girls are getting along. My dd has never had ANY problems with kids anywhere else, not on other teams or at school, or at any activity, camp, etc... Yet since we moved to this gym, I swear there are more nights of tears because of the fighting with the other KIDS. I know part of the problem is that she's the youngest on the team, by several years. DD is in 1st grade, she's working out primarily with girls grades 3-5, and older, and there isn't a single girl her age on the entire team. She also goes to a sort of zero tolerance charter school that is VERY strict about the kids treating each other well, so she hasn't had to deal with that very much at school. I am so frustrated hearing about how her "BFF" hates her today, or this girl was mean, or that girl bossed her around... AAAAHHH! It is so frustrating! I don't stay at practices and watch, but I can tell almost instantly when I walk in at the end of the night if she and her "BFF" are friends that day, and it never fails she'll get in the car and the tears start because she doesn't know WHY this one was mean or that one won't talk to her. One night a few of us parents talked with the girls about being a team, getting along, etc., and I thought that it was better, but now, we're back to the bickering again. Is this just the way it is with girls when they're older? I tell her to just focus on gymnastics, but I know she wants the other kids to be her friends. I'm sort of at a loss with what to tell her.

 

[Seeker]

That's really sad. There's bound to bit a bit of back and forth with kids who spend so much time together, but that sounds like it's more than that if it is continuous. It is hard when there is such an age gap...my dd is also the youngest by a few yrs and it does present challenges.

Has the coach ever noticed this or does it mostly happen in the lobby?

 

[gymmommy123]

The coaches have definitely noticed, and it sounds like it happens regularly, and with the whole group, not just between one or two girls. She's always got along great with the girls on her team until now. But then again, she often was with girls her age, and the older girls on the higher levels were always VERY sweet to her.

I don't think it helps that they pair the girls up when working on skills sometimes, and the one girl has to "approve" that a specific skill was done correctly 10 times before they are allowed to move on to the next skill. There have been a number of times when dd's "partner" wouldn't approve her skill, and they'd tell her she couldn't move to the next skill... so she'd spend 30 minutes doing handstands on the beam, for example while her partner was able to move on and on. I think it's somewhat contributing to her feeling like she's being pushed around or told what to do by her peers, rather than by the coaches. AND, of course, there are the issues with who the partner is... oh, well my BFF won't talk to me now because I was partners with so and so... etc...

I feel ill-prepared to deal with teenage drama already. I thought I had a few more years until that happened!!

 

[Frase]

Im sure it's a different kettle of fish altogether but I often see the little ones in dd's group snapping at each other - generally when setting up etc. there is often a 'you can't tell me what to do' 'don't do it like that' 'it's my turn' etc. I just figure that it takes a certain strength of personaility and character to do what they do and with that comes a certain amount of shall we say 'headstrong'. Sometimes it ruffles feathers but more often than not it is soon forgotten.

As for approval to move on to skills -goodness me - one session our girls were put in charge of each others music on floor - any mistakes they saw they were instructed to stop the music. It was comical - you blinked at the wrong time and the music had stopped before you could say quick smart - they certainly were not easier on each other than the coaches.

I guess you have to expect a certain amount of bickering but, if it's affecting her once she's left the gym then perhaps you have a bit of an issue. That said, she not been there that long, maybe (hopefully) things will settle down soon.

 

[profmom]

I don't think it's necessarily a recipe for disaster -- the boys often score each other's routines or pass/fail each other on skills and it doesn't seem to cause a lot of trouble. I think the key is that if a coach is going to do this kind of thing, it should be several kids evaluating one kid rather than one kid doing another kid, and it should not be done in a group that's having issues with its dynamics.

 

[Seeker]

... it should be several kids evaluating one kid rather than one kid doing another kid, and it should not be done in a group that's having issues with its dynamics.

This is key....that strategy/setup will only work in a well functioning, supportive team environment. Seems like this group may not be mature enough yet to handle having a little power. Might be worth a chat with the coach about specifics...seems like the coach would notice one or two lagging back on the first few stations, but maybe she doesn't know the "why".

 

[MaryA]

To me this sounds out of the range of "normal." My DD actually IS a teenager, and I don't get the sense that there is drama to this extent. Sometimes there is a bit of a flare-up... these kids were talking about that kid or whatever, but it is generally squashed by the other kids pretty quick and if not, the coaches will step in. I would say that it is time to talk to the coaches. Maybe some of the teaching methods they are using (scoring each other, etc.) have worked great with other groups in the past but it sounds like they are not good methods to use with this group at this time.

To a certain extent, I have to wonder if they are being given too much "down time" if there is enough time for this much drama to unfold?

Regardless, t sounds like the drama is likely to the point where it's likely distracting the girls from their practice. If I was a coach, I would definitely want to step in.

The one sure thing about gymnastics groupings is that they change frequently. I was not completely thrilled with the group DD was in this year. All nice girls, but some of them took advantage of the non-gym instructors (strength, dance) and the end result was not much being accomplished during those times and the girls who really wanted to work during those times getting frustrated. I think the hope was that mixing the "serious" and the "silly" girls together would help temper the "silly" but in the end it just frustrated the heck out of the "serious." I LOVED the group she was with the year before. Only time will tell what her group will look like next year.

 

[3LittleGymmies]

My daughter had an issue with one girl bossing her around and making her corrections. By the time it got annoying enough for me to talk with the coach about it, she quit. Problem solved. There was another (very talented but very hyper/attention-seeking) who kept bothering her by pulling her hair, scratching her, etc. I talked to the girl about it (nicely) because I wanted to give her the chance to stop without involving coaches. And she did. There is another girl who likes to tell her to "shut up" all of the time (ie whenever she talks) which is not even something my daughter is allowed to say. I have helped my daughter with what to say when this happens and she has tried to just stay away from her. It hasn't really worked well so far, but I know that there will always be rude/annoying people in life and she needs to learn that, too. I do wish her coaches were more strict about the talking/messing around altogether because it makes it really hard for the ones who actually want to focus.

 

[sevenatenine2]

I have a group that includes a 7 year old, an 8 year old, a 9 year old, three ten year olds and an eleven year old. The 8 year old is very mature and has skipped a grade in school, putting she and the 9 year old right about the same level of maturity as the three ten year olds. The 11 year old just happens to be a wonderfully kind and patient little girl. That said, the 8,9, and 10 year olds can get aggravated with the 7 year old. The 7 year old is not dong anything wrong at all, she is just being 7. Thankfully, we have a wonderful group of parents, and I know one parent had the conversation with her daughter about thinking back when she was 7, and things like being first in line were super important, etc. It seemed to help and, when I'm around anyway, they are all kind to each other. It's great gymnastically to be the baby of the group, because you're moving faster, but sometimes socially it can be rough!

 

[MILgymFAM]

DDs training group includes girls ages 7-14, and I haven't seen any of this. I wouldn't say it's the norm. Also, DD is almost 13, and would never be mean to a younger girl. There is one girl in the training group (9) who likes to be a bossy pants, and actually physically pushes girls sometimes, but the girls all ignore her and tell her to control herself, and move on. Honestly, DDs training doesn't let up long enough for bickering or horseplay. They are non-stop for three hours with only 15 second water breaks. Maybe your DDs team has too much free time? As for girls judging each other, I think it can work- my DDs team all judge each other's routines the practice before a meet (and DD swears she gets a lot out of it), but they score them as a group and not one-on-one.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

i guess the coach is not running the asylum here in this gym.

 

[NutterButter]

It’s hard to tell with what you described if these are red flags about a potentially unhealthy team dynamic. Some of it sounds typical, some not so much. It also sounds like your DD doesn’t know how to navigate this yet. The fact that the coaches are aware is good. Hopefully they address this dynamic with the girls. Do they also do team building activities with the girls? Do they know how upset your DD is?

DD was new to her team last summer. My DD, like yours, was a stand out in that she is 2+ grades older than most of the girls. For the first 2.5 months, ALL of the girls wanted to be BFF’s with my DD. They bickered over who would get to be partners with her, sit with her, show her around, etc. DD is a classic introvert and would rather just hang out with one or two other kids and she did not enjoy the “new girl” attention. It took my DD about 6 months to feel like she fit in and had some close friends on the team.

DD’s team does the partner thing too and there’s one girl DD doesn’t like working with (they are the same height so they frequently work together). This girl is very competitive. In the beginning DD implied that she is so hard on others because she wants to make it easier for herself to “win”. And to hear my DD tell it, she makes a pretty convincing argument that this girl is only out for victory. But that’s not the whole picture. DD is right in that this girl is competitive. But so is DD and the others. This girl consistently has the team’s highest AA score and has beautiful form. I think she is just calling it like she sees it when working with others. She’s also one of the youngest ones on the team and at 8 years old she doesn’t necessarily know the nuances in that there will be a variety of personal bests. This girl can also be a little immature in the locker room with the potty talk. Sounds pretty negative, huh? The thing is this girl is the loudest and most supportive during meets. She is also the first to suggest a team card for a sick girl and the first to offer a hug for a botched routine. She’s a fabulous teammate, but to see her “judge” when the girls pair off you might get a different impression of her.

I didn’t get the warm fuzzy feeling for DD’s team until I went through a competition season. All I saw/heard were more negative things and I thought DD was way more mature than the rest of the girls. I was worried she would never fit it. I’ve since learned that DD’s team is pretty healthy. Sure, there’s a variety in maturity levels and ages but now I see the healthy stuff. DD is older than her teammates and more mature than most her age so I tend to hear about the things that annoy her. I admit it took me awhile to be able to put it all in perspective.

 

[mommyof1]

It sounds like an odd dynamic to have the older girls picking on a child so much younger than themselves. I would expect girls in grades 3-5 to see a first-grader as a fun little mascot to play with, not a "BFF" to subject to "mean girls" treatment. I agree with the others who have said it sounds like they have too much downtime on their hands.

I am a fan of the book "Little Girls Can Be Mean" by Michelle Anthony and Reyna Lindert. It contains some great strategies for helping your daughter take charge of interpersonal issues for herself. Some of it is a little over the top (writing a letter to a bully? bad idea if you actually send it!), but most of it is quite practical.

 

[gymmommy123]

I brought this up with the owner, who was fairly aware of what was going on, at least was aware of the situation with 2 of the other girls. She said they seem to be doing it on the sly though, so the coaches aren't immediately picking up on when it's happening. She is going to have a chat with the girls that seem to be having the biggest problems (my dd included) and see if it helps. It sounds like 2 of the girls already had a pretty terrible relationship before we came over. Perhaps because my daughter is friends with both of them, it's making it worse. I'm not sure. I do think she needs to learn how to deal with difficult situations, but at the same time, I don't think it's ok for girls 3 or 4 years older to be bossing and pushing her around. Luckily she's not a meek, quiet child, but she does REALLY look up to her "BFF" (that currently won't speak to her) and is pretty crushed when she says mean things to her, tells her she hates her, tells her she won't be her friend unless.... on and on and on. They are all a team, and unfortunately, they will all likely be together for many years to come so I hope they can come to a resolution. Girls are such a nasty group of creatures sometimes!

 

[gymmommy123]

I am a fan of the book "Little Girls Can Be Mean" by Michelle Anthony and Reyna Lindert. It contains some great strategies for helping your daughter take charge of interpersonal issues for herself. Some of it is a little over the top (writing a letter to a bully? bad idea if you actually send it!), but most of it is quite practical.

I'll look into that book, thanks!