Parents Daughter getting left behind

[Lilbert]

My 12 year old daughter (level 8 last season) joined our current gym a year and a half ago. They put her in the "special" group since she has a lot of talent and potential and did well in previous seasons. She did well, but not fantastic last season (placed at states but missed making regionals by a hair due to a fall which killed her AA).

Shortly after that things changed. She didn't get any attention, was moved out of the group, the head coach/owner never encourages her, and in fact diminished a major accomplishment in front of her teammates. She barely got the training she needed. She is very quiet, and even though she works hard and the coaches like her she has been treated as very average. All of the other girls in her training group were moved to a higher training schedule in order to transition to 9 this season. She is repeating level 8.

I am ok with this as she is not ready for 9. DD has some 9 skills but not as many as the others. What I am not ok with is her being cast aside. Some of the girls in her group have been put in an "elite" training group and the stars are now the focus.

The head coach/owner is not the most caring person in the world and will rip your head off if you question anything she does. It's a huge gym with a take it or leave it attitude since they are the only really good game in town. It has been frustrating and heartbreaking to say the least to see my daughter discouraged. This sport should build confidence, not rip it apart.

Has anyone dealt with this? Any advice? Dd is only 12 but wants to try to do college and with this lack of support and less training than her peers it might not even be a potential path.

We are very committed to the gym. I serve on committees, dd is always on time, rarely misses a practice, we pay our bills on time, she has regular privates, I am not a stalker mom (but I am learning that this stuff never happens to the kids of the stalker moms), always personable, never miss a meet. I just don't get it.

 

[wallflower]

I think I really see two issues here.

First your daughter has been moved out of a special group, elite potential group, whatever it's called. That has to sting, but the harsh reality is not every kid is cut out for the same type of training. Coaches can't put kids in specialized training groups just because they work hard, show up to practice on time, their parents do all the right things, etc. The ability to do elite is not based solely on those things. I don't think there is anything you can do to change this.

I would question you to try and objectively look at if she has really been "cast aside". Maybe she is just in a JO only focused group. No, it's not going to be the same as the elite focused group. If you compare the two groups you are bound to feel like she is getting less. Some kids can and will move faster and gyms do like to group those kids together when possible.

I think it's definitely hard to have been in that group and then left behind. I'm just not sure you can do anything about it. The best you can do is try not to compare. A 12 year old level 8 is certainly on track to have a chance at doing college gym.

If on the other hand you really feel like she is not being coached, maybe you need to look elsewhere. I have found you won't change gyms or coaches. You find the fit you are comfortable with. And keep in mind not being coached is very different than not being coached the same way as the elite group.

 

[kayjaybe]

Yes, I've dealt with it, but from a different angle. You came to this gym 1.5 years ago and dd was immediately put in a "special" group with all sorts of special attention and coaching. Now she is in with the "average" kids.

How do you think all the kids that have been going to that gym and working hard and parents helping and doing everything they can for the team for YEARS felt when you swooped in from nowhere and got put in the "special" group?

They felt like you feel now....only more bitter because they had been going to the gym and supporting it for many years before your dd got there.

My harsh response is to suck it up, because that's what I and many other team members had to do at our gym. Some kids are superstars and they are going to get more attention, focus, etc. My kid is not one of them and probably never will be. If I don't like it, I'm sure I could take my business elsewhere, as could you. But I love our gym and I understand the fact that someone more highly skilled is going to get more attention and opportunities.

 

[Seeker]

Wow....tough crowd in here today.

She's young and certainly on track to compete in college if that should be her desire. Repeating L8 is probably the best thing for her and will hopefully help to restore some confidence for her. Not sure how your state qualifies kids to Regionals, but a solid L8 should be able to absorb a fall and still make it, so maybe she just wasn't ready. Either way -- repeating sounds like a good choice.

As for the coaching issues -- those are tough. It's fine to move a kid into a more appropriate training group. Not fine to withhold coaching or publicly shame. Ask yourself honestly what you think is really happening there and go from there. Is HC actively coaching the group your dd is in now? If not, that may be a blessing for the time being. Is there another coach your child has bonded with?

 

[Lilbert]

Wow. I wasn't expecting such anger and arrogance at my post. I anticipated this site as a supportive forum and that's why I joined; clearly that's not the case. My point is not about having my daughter make elite. I don't expect her to to be given special treatment; just not bad treatment. There are other girls at the same performance level that did move so to me it seems odd. My point is about her being treated respectfully and not being ignored or publicly diminished. Don't know what's wrong with those of you who couldn't get that. To those of you who are arrogant and pissed off, you definitely have some of your own major issues to deal with. Thank you to the kind poster. .I won't be back.

 

[skschlag]

One problem on a board like this is that tone, inflection etc are not apparent. And many people are coming with their own background/biases, etc

Our gym does not divide any groups like this (potential, elite, etc). Everyone works out together. Even when we had national team members, they worked out with the kiddos that would be considered average or what have you.

If she is getting bad treatment, then I think you have to talk to the coach or find a new gym for her. Bad treatment should not be ok no matter what. I think what people here are trying to distill is whether or not she is getting bad treatment or if she is just not getting special treatment. And that can be hard for anyone to figure out...especially if you are "in the moment"

One thing I have learned over the years is that many times what is said by the coach and what is heard by the kids is 2 different things. And maybe the same thing is happening here. . Maybe not. But it is something to try to figure out. And then you have to figure out how this relates to your daughter. Sometimes the "only good game in town" is not the best fit and kiddos thrive in a different environment.

Good luck. I hope you will stick around. I think you will find that many of the parents here truly are helpful and kind.

 

[bogwoppit]

Gyms are minefields. The worst gyms are the ones where the coaches are king and do not communicate well with the gymnasts or parents. Is there a chance that you have other gym options? To me it sounds like this gym is not the best fit for your DD.

I know my most frustrating times dealing with the gym was when it seemed like the coaches were unapproachable and making decisions that made no sense to me.

If you are at the point where you are thinking of a gym switch it might be worth a last ditch effort to communicate what you have said here to the coaches. Maybe they care, maybe they can work with her?

As for the tough crowd here, take the good and ignore the stuff you do not like. Forums are like this.

 

[kayjaybe]

That was me with the harsh comments. I don't usually do that, but I was just pointing out that how you are feeling now is probably how all the other "average" parents & gymnasts have felt all along. It probably didn't concern you that other kids weren't getting special treatment until now because your dd was one of the special ones. It is especially stinging to those gymnasts & parents that have poured their blood, sweat, tears and money into their gym for the past decade only to see some new superstars swoop in and get special treatment.

If your child is truly getting sub-par coaching, then that isn't right and you can always vote with your feet and find another gym. But if your child is simply no longer getting the extra-special treatment/coaching, then unfortunately, that is life. As a pp said, you are unlikely to change the gym.

I'm sorry if my comments seemed unsupportive. I was coming from the brutally honest position of the parent of an "average" gymnast. Nobody wants to be treated as "average," including all the gymmies that were there long before you showed up.

Yeah....that's still harsh. Not sure how else to phrase it. Sorry.

 

[B.Gold]

And to defend kayjaybe a bit, I agree with her response. She is being brutally honest. I admire that. A gym parent needs to develop a thick skin, and that's coming from a parent who has had nothing but a great experience for her dd. Chances are none of those girls will ever qualify elite and this move may actually keep your dd in the sport longer.

 

[wallflower]

There is a vast difference between bad treatment and just not getting special treatment. You did not give any examples of bad treatment. Just that she was no longer in the fast track group. Sometimes as parents we react emotionally to this and see it as poor treatment when really it's just fine. Only you are there to know the difference. We sometimes also associate our child's feelings of discouragement and rejection to mean someone wronged them. It's not always the case. Any kid who works hard and loves gymnastics would feel disappointed and discouraged to be demoted to what they consider a lesser group. It doesn't mean anyone wronged them. Those are normal feelings. Again only you know if someone wronged her in this way.

Keep in mind we only know what you posted and you didn't post anything in your OP that sounded anything other than disappointment at no longer being one of the special ones.

I have seen many times where new kids come to a gym and they get a lot of attention. Then they are no longer new or special. The coach isn't working extra hard to make you feel like you made the right decision to move to their gym. Now you are just one of the many kids. The honeymoon phase is over so to say. Again, vast difference between that and bad treatment. Only you can decide which you are experiencing.

 

[profmom]

Is she still progressing, even if not at the rate you or she would like?

 

[gracyomalley]

12 year old girls often hear things that coaches don't mean to say. And coaches can get frustrated with the emotional nature and fears of 12 year old girls. Maybe not coming into play, but quite common.

For instance a coach tells my DD "you are a good gymnast and you can do this series/tumbling pass/bar skill with your eyes closed, you just won't and I can't help you so you will need to go in the group that is working on learning it until you are ready to do it..." Coach is frustrated and unable to always be "kind" or "communicate well". DD is a mess/not ready/having a bad day - doesn't matter...what is heard is not "you are a good gymnast and can do this skill" but "you are being moved down until you get your act together" ie - you are a bad gymnast and have disappointed me.

Kid is sad and hurt/doesn't work as hard/coach starts to "ignore" kid as they feel nothing they do is helping, and focuses on kids who are more "coachable" and "progressive"....it sets up a cycle...

Different kids have different trajectories, and your DD age and level is a classic one for some kids to hit walls and others not. Some coaches/systems are great at helping kids through that, some will simply rearrange the grouping so that the kids who aren't "moving fast" for whatever reason will be "moved down" with regards to level, coaching attention, etc. As a parent you can't do the gymnastics for your DD, so no matter how supportive of the gym you have been it is what it is.

If your DD is having fun, learning and ready to have a confidence building year (which did happen for mine when she repeated L7 rather than moving on to L8 at age 10/11) then its a great choice by the coaches. If she is miserable, feels defeated, or wants to quit than you need to address that with the coaching staff - NOT what level/group she's in - she may very well be where she needs to be in that particular gym - but how the coaches intend to help her through this bump in her road...the response you get will either be helpful and give you what you need to parent her through the disappointment, or tell you its not a healthy situation for her and perhaps she needs a change...

 

[Gymnasticsfun5555]

We have dealt with this situation before. I hear ya! My daughter was super talented and average. The head coach tossed her aside, bumped her out of the elite group and worked on his chosen girls. It was frustrating to watch every day and to see how my daughter stopped thinking she was good enough. We switched gyms and it has been amazing ever since. She is no longer average. If we would have stayed, she would have quit. Now she is super happy and has surpassed those elite girls. So worth it!

 

[Sasha]

OP, I'm sorry your daughter is going through anything that is rubbing away at her confidence or love of gymnastics. I think children who come in targeted as fast-track/high potential have an especially high pressure upon them to maintain (or surpass) those high expectations, and it's an especially hard mental 'fall' when they hit any point where they are coming up what could be considered short (such as missing making regionals in your daughter's case).

I wish the adults in these children's lives were more sensitive to the impact that this can have on a young person, and would be more proactively supportive with kind words of encouragement and clear explanations of their goals. I don't know, of course, exactly why your daughter was moved groups, or how the coaches actually feel about her progress, or if her current group is actually best for her (perhaps it is). I note you shared that she doesn't have as many L9 skills as others, so repeating 8 sounds reasonable, but you also mention that some girls at the same 'performance level' were moved up, so it sounds like you are stuck without adequate explanation and understanding of the plan for your daughter.

If it is indeed the case that the HC/coaches have selected certain girls to continue/move up to an elite-path training group, and your daughter has not been selected, I truly believe the coaches should be able to give you and your daughter a straightforward and clear reason, especially if she was originally targeted for a fast-track, and has now been routed onto a different path.

If the HC is unapproachable, is there a more trusted coach with whom you could schedule a meeting just to ask about their plan for your daughter? And if your daughter is feeling like she has disappointed everyone not living up to her fast-track label and down on herself and gymnastics, perhaps you could share this with the trusted coach and they could work to reassure her that they are still behind her and believe in her, and working L8 now is a great way to reach her college goals, etc? The elite path group may have a very different focus, and if she doesn't have elite goals (and is a bit behind skill-wise most of those girls at the moment), that group may be a horrible fit for her. But to her, it probably seems like she is being left behind, when that might not be the case at all. If the adults in her life can help her understand that and show they believe in her, that could make all the difference.

Of course, if the group she has moved into is actually problematic for some other reason (poor or abusive coaching) that is another issue. But just being moved into a different group than the elite-track girls could just need to be framed more supportively.

Good luck to her.

(P.S. I do get the brutal honesty perspective of some posters aimed at parents 'dealing with' their kid not being selected for something 'special'. But the child is the one who is potentially left feeling like she disappointed the world, and perhaps wondering if anyone believes in her at all. Maybe the child is exaggerating/coloring the accounts of what coaches said/did or maybe not, but in either case, we all work to help our kids feel supported and find a way to enjoy what they love, even through struggles and disappointments. I think the OP is just looking for a way to do that, but is currently not getting the information and help she needs from coaches and so is seeking advice here.

 

[profmom]

If this is the first time she hasn't been in the top, fastest moving, most desirable group, that may be hard too. I think it can be harder sometimes to deal with the inevitable struggles this sport brings if they don't come until later on than if the child experiences them early.

 

[auswi]

To the OP I speak from the perspective of having seen this scenario played out a number of times- Dd is elite track.To me there are several issues here.

You stated that your Dd was only barely getting the training she needed- from my observations coaches set up drills stations for the entire group- then its up to the individual gymnast how they attack/ utilize these stations so find it hard to understand how your Dd is barely getting the training she needs as coaches have the same stations for all their group ( help me out guys if I'm missing something ☺) ;

You state your Dd is hardworking- but hasnt achieved the same skills as the rest of the group so there will be reasons for this which Im not going to speculate on but which her coaches will have formed an opinion on.

Nearly all gymnastic skills are a progression -so the girls off to train L9 will have solid L8 skills to work on. Keeping these gymnasts together means similar drill stations and logically as your Dd will need appropriate coaching for her not yet solid L8 skills she has been put with that group.

Often repeating a level can be great - a confidence builder if fears are creeping in or just the extra repetitions to solidfy skills.

As a parent OP you need to set up a meeting asap with the appropriate coach/es for an overdue discussion on your Dds trajectory. However you will need to be prepared to hear things you may not like/ believe about your Dds skill level/ ability.

For the kids who are selected for elite track by the very nature of the extra hours & higher demands/ expectations - ( a lot coming internally by the very nature of these kids) they will have extra attention but thats the nature of the beast....so as your Dds now not on that path it will not be a personal vendetta why shes not getting the attention ( been cast aside ) but just how the different pathways roll.

Your daughters peers in gym are the ones on the same trajectory -so as shes now a repeating level 8 she is getting the same training as them. If you mean by peers her ex -group who are now L9 she has been seen by the coaches as not the right fit there so they are actually NOT her peers- oops now I think I may be judged as harsh not in any way intending to be but sometimes reality is percieved that way.

I have seen gymmies left too long floundering in a level higher then their capacity and it has never ended well.

If the coach has truely belittled your Dd that needs addressed- however it may have had a tweenage (preteen ) interpretation put on it.

For what its worth the kids whove been moved over from elite track that Ive seen usually have parents who think its the quality of coaching why their Dd was moved whereas to me an elite track kid is defined by how quickly they move ( pick up/ solidify skills ) within the SAME framework as the other kids.

 

[gymjunkie]

I just want to address all of the "special treatment" us coaches give the kids who are on a faster track...

Any coach who has been in this sport more than 1 season can relate to being confronted with "if my child got as much attention as that child, they would be that good too." The problem is, it's just not true. At most gyms, we have a limited amount of full-time/career coaches with decades of experience. Sure if every child on every path got "those coaches," they would likely do better than they would being coached by an apprentice coach (who is in almost all cases being mentored and supervised by the experienced coaches). I will concede that more experienced coaching equals a better gymnast, however, it's not true that they would catch up to the kids who are on a faster moving track. The reason faster moving kids are scouted out and placed with the more experienced coaches and faster moving kids is those kids might lose an opportunity that is well within their grasp (JO champion, college scholarship or elite qualification) if they are placed with a less experienced coach or with kids who slow down their progress. The average gymnast does not lose that opportunity, because they never had the potential in the first place. So when an average gymnast is placed with an apprentice coach, the outcome is that they may only make it as far as level B, when they might have made it to level C if they had the super star coach. They still wouldn't have made it to level E or F. Or they might have still only made it to level B, but they might have scored higher/placed better. The placement did not take away their chances to get a spot on the national team/scholarship, because that was never within their abilities in the first place. With either coach, that gymnast had the fantastic opportunity to be on a gymnastics team which gave them so many invaluable life skills, character traits, friendships and memories (things that go far beyond a level or a score).

There are times when a gymnast does not initially appear to be on the fast track and then out of nowhere they mature or just start working harder and prove themselves to be a late-blooming super-gymnast. That kid should then moved in with the fast moving group. There are also times when a fast-moving kid slows down. They are then moved into a slower-moving group. There are also times when, talent aside, the right chemistry is missing between the coach and the gymnast (or the gym culture) and they need a different environment to bring out their potential. None of those scenarios are the same as special treatment or poor treatment.

 

[wallinbl]

the head coach/owner never encourages her, and in fact diminished a major accomplishment in front of her teammates.

If you believe your DD's version of the story, I'd find a way to work that into a conversation with the HC, not in a confrontational manner, but just to see what the HC's view of that story way.

All of the other girls in her training group were moved to a higher training schedule in order to transition to 9 this season. She is repeating level 8.

I am ok with this as she is not ready for 9. DD has some 9 skills but not as many as the others. What I am not ok with is her being cast aside. Some of the girls in her group have been put in an "elite" training group and the stars are now the focus.

This is the unfortunate reality of not having enough high level coaches to go around. Do coaches always pick the right girls? Probably not (heck, look at how hit or miss the NFL draft is, and they're spending tens of millions of dollars on those picks). Coaches all have things they prefer to see, and that differs a bit from coach to coach. There may be another coach in town that's looking for exactly your DD.

 

[gasrgoose]

I know of 2 NCAA all americans who repeated level 8 at a similar age. Don't become discouraged. Some coaches "favorites" change with the seasons, literally. It's not great, but I don't think it means she is forever cast out of favor. She just needs to keep working and believing in herself.

 

[Yuenling]

The reason faster moving kids are scouted out and placed with the more experienced coaches and faster moving kids is those kids might lose an opportunity that is well within their grasp (JO champion, college scholarship or elite qualification) if they are placed with a less experienced coach or with kids who slow down their progress. The average gymnast does not lose that opportunity, because they never had the potential in the first place. So when an average gymnast is placed with an apprentice coach, the outcome is that they may only make it as far as level B, when they might have made it to level C if they had the super star coach. They still wouldn't have made it to level E or F. Or they might have still only made it to level B, but they might have scored higher/placed better. The placement did not take away their chances to get a spot on the national team/scholarship, because that was never within their abilities in the first place.

I think every gymnast deserves the same chance to reach their maximum potential regardless of if that potential is C or F, especially if they are paying the same amount of money and training at the same practice. If there is a rubric to determine which girl gets the better coach, then that rubric should be transparent so that the gymnast feels a sense of control of her own destiny. It is a terrible feeling to wonder if your DD might have done better if she had the better coach, and not understand exactly why she is not given that treatment.

At my DD's gym, this unfairness was rubbed in because we have such big teams. The girls end up competing against themselves in most meets, and the girls who get the better coaching always do better, and the girls who did not get better coaching are left wondering if they could have done better.